Richard & Sherri; Thoughts From The Heart

Promised Pictures!!!

2009-10-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

Many days ago....I promised pictures of our wonderful retreat...but, as usual time has gotten away from me. I'm not sure what I've been doing but it seems like things are swirling and swirling. Here are some of the retreat pictures..... Because I've been out of the blog posting ritual for a while....I'm having a really difficult time moving pictures around. I'm sure there's an easy way.....but after a good length of time....I GIVE UP!!!! So these pics may not be in order but at least you can see what happened over the magical weekend....I only wish that I had taken more pictures of all that went on....the food, the laughs, the joy, the love, the smiles. I also wish I had gotten pictures of Deborah's project. She is an amazing teacher....absolutely amazing. She actually taught 12 women how to basket weave. Working with Deborah and Tracy on this retreat was such a honor. They are two amazing women and their support has been unbelievable. I love them both deeply. We share a vision and we are all three holding hands as we reach for the stars.

All I can say, looking back at the weekend, is that it went beyond any of my dreams. Everyone was so dedicated to "creating" in the true sense of the word....not just art....but....compassion, friendship, support, heart. The Sparrow's Nest Studio was full of creative energy and true love.We asked everyone to bring a special token to add to our altar which we made as a group during the opening part of the retreat. The center candle was for Richard and his hats and picture are part of the altar. The candles were lit at the beginning of everyday and then blown out at the end. It truly was beautiful.
Our theme for the weekend was "nests".....and these are three samples of the projects that were going to be made. The left is a paper mache' type nest covered with "magic transformed grocery bags". The center is a felted nest that Tracy designed. And.....the right is a woven basket nest that Deborah miraculously taught us how to make.

On Sunday morning, before everyone arrived, I spent some time quiet in the studio just taking in the energy. It felt so awesome.....and I knew that Richard was very close and that he was very happy!!!!
On Friday night Tracy taught us how to felt wool fiber around a rock......sounds crazy but it works. Everyone had such a fabulous time....washing, smoothing, rubbing, massaging their fibered rock. The best part was that when they were felted each fibered rock was slit and pushed out....(we called it the birthing) and we were left with a beautiful wool nest!!!! Oh my gosh...magic was happening!!!We spent the Saturday morning transforming brown paper bags into beautiful painted treasures. Everyone was introduced to a variety of techniques and products that allowed beautiful and amazing end results. On Sunday....these papers were used to cover a paper mache'd nest and then fiber was added. These finished pieces were amazing.

Mali and Jazzy, The Studio Dogs, really enjoyed the weekend. They picked up on the energy and it just wore them out!!!

I wish I had gotten pictures of Deborah's basket weaving nest project. It was so fun. We all were totally in awe of the fact that we were actually weaving basket nests. Everyone was thrilled with their finished projects.

People at the retreat were asking for samples of the class projects that the studio was offering this Fall so we set up a display table with the various pieces on it. I must say....I'm really proud of the specific classes that we are doing in our opening quarter of The Sparrow's Nest Studio. The art on that table clearly demonstrated the depth of talent these two women that I am working with have. I trully believe there is something for everyone. True to Richard's dreams...creativity energy is going to flourish at the studio this Fall. Honey.....this is all being done with your spirit at the center. Thank you for being such an inspiration for us all.

So long.......

2009-09-22T18:13:00.001-07:00

Every time I sit down and attempt to write on our blog...I begin to feel all weepy.....and I'm so afraid that people are going to find me a bit boring and self indulged. The fog continues to be there but on some days I can see much more clearly than on others. My heart aches when I think of everything all of us have been through. I am still amazed that Richard isn't going to pull up on his "manly" motorcycle and yell for me and announce that he is finally home. I'm still waiting..... I guess it isn't going to happen. That is devastating.

I have begun an eight week grief class......there are about ten of us and two facilatators. There is a book and a journal that goes with the class but mainly we just talk and talk and talk and cry and cry and cry. It's a safe place to talk about all the struggles of grief... This group distinguishes the differences between grief and mourning (I thought they were the same). They believe that grief includes the internal feelings, emotions, fears, etc. and that mourning are the actions we do externally to show our grief. That was an amazing distinction for me....

I see where I've been continuing the "strong Sherri" show and not really allowing myself to mourn my loss. I'm uncomfortable with people seeing me weak and out of control. It's important to feel strong and capable. And I'm learning that that may not work in this situation. I am trying to be aware of the real actions I am taking in mourning the loss of my husband....and I'm trying to be real about it all the time. It's exhausting but as one facilatator put it so perfectly...."Grief is not like a fine wine...it does not get better with age....it just stays bottled up". To express my sadness is a task I haven't been willing to take.

Now don't worry friends.....I'm not going to express all over you.....blubbering and crying our time away. What it means is that I am going to be more purposeful in how I express my grief.....especially privately. That expression is going to be my priority for a while and I think it will help me become more functional and will help me see more clearly. Richard deserves me to honor him with a mindful purpose. I deserve to be able to express how tired I am and how forlorn I feel. My own life feels foreign and I guess I have to become more comfy in it.

Speaking of honoring Richard.....we opened the Sparrow's Nest Studio this weekend with a three day retreat. We had eleven women in all and the three of us.....and believe me....magic was made. Richard was right there with us....and every woman stood beside me as we officially started his dream of providing a place for wonderful creative energy to form. I wanted everyone to know Richard....so I told some horribly silly stories about him and some of our escapades.....I talked about his tenderness and gentle spirit. Many of the women who came to the retreat spent a great deal of time with Richard during this brain tumor journey....I believe we all had time, this weekend, to grieve our loss...and to create in honor of him.

I can't figure out how to download my pictures.....but when I can figure it out I will post them for sure. The work that the participants did was amazing. We had snacks and wine Friday night for them and then on Sunday we served them all brunch (even with mimosas). I felt truly wonderful and amazed throughout the entire weekend. The power of women creating could be felt by all.

I will post again soon.....as soon as I get the picture part working. I want to share them with all of you!!!! Until then....we have a website: www.sparrowsneststudio.com. Go take a look at our Fall class line up. It's going to be fun!!!

I hope that these ending days of Summer have been full of love and joy for you.

Blessings,

Sherri

Inside I'm SCREAMING!!!!

2009-08-20T09:55:00.000-07:00

I've had a very quiet few days after a very busy but wonderful weekend. The dogs and I have been alone....we've had few phone calls, I've made few phone calls and we've been moving slowly except during our walks. There were many moments where I didn't really know what to do.....but I did alot of resting and thinking, thinking way too much, trying to remember to focus on the here and now not behind or forward. Deep breaths helped, relaxation sometimes loosened me up, house cleaning kept me busy.....but that nasty "critic" came forward way too often.

I have these old tapes playing in my head. I believe that the messages from these tapes are horrible and incorrect, however, it is easy to hear them running when I let my guard down. Who knows where they originated from....it doesn't matter....what matters now is getting rid of them for good and replace them with new messages that are empowering and good. Richard hated those old tapes. He felt, at times, that they were stronger than either one of us and he hated how limiting they made things for me. He hated tha anguish that they brought me and one of his biggest wishes was that I could whole heartedly believe him when he said I was a beautiful person, creative, smart, strong, compassionate, intuitive, graceful, lovable, etc. Of course our relationship helped me move forward in minimizing those tapes...but still sometimes I would forget and slip back into the evil messages and let them be stronger than anything else.

My biggest regret is that Richard died without me ever totally turning off those old tapes and that brought him great sadness. I am so full of sorrow that he could not see me totally free of those old messages, that I did not live totally free of fear and unsureness and that I couldn't always see my best self. Our happiest times were when I was full of love for myself and others....especially him. His diagnosis whacked me in the head and I realized that now was the time to get "over it" and I believe I made alot of progress, but every once in a while those tapes would still play. My beloved died without feeling that I had won the battle with my negative thoughts...and my heart rips open every time I think of that.

I miss Richard so much. Widowhood is not at all what I imagined. My "wanting" is so strong sometimes I am driven to the ground. I can't believe, still, that I will never see his eyes, touch his face, watch him build something. It is still unbelievable when I think of what we have all been through. I often feel him and I hear him reminding me of little things like when I'm walking in Cornwall Park he reminds me to look down, when I don't close the door on the laundry soap cupboard I hear him remind me to close it so I won't hit my head, when I leave the dishwasher open I hear him remind me to close it so that I won't accidently walk into it. I also hear him telling me he loves me and every night I say, "Goodnight Honey, I love you" and look at his picture (that was one of our nightly routines) and I swear I hear him say, "Good Night Honey, I love you too"!

But then I remember that his being gone is forever...for all of us.....he isn't going to come home from this long trip and just walk through the door, this wasn't a horrible nightmare that I just need to wake up from. The pain that that thought causes is different now....not as sharp and debilatating. The fog that I've been looking through has cleared a little. I know I'm making progress in learning how to live without him.

The road is a challenge and I am constantly working on it. I am determined to shut off the negative tapes forever and to live within the realization of my own goodness, compassion and strength. I am always reflecting on living with awareness and with love. I want to show Richard that his energy and love did make a huge difference in my life. That the work couldn't be done completely while he was on this earthly plain but that I am continuing to grow within his guidance even though he is gone. I believe he is watching me and I believe that he is proud.

So now I have to show him that those tapes have permanently been turned off. Oh how I wish I could just press a button and turn the machine off...but the voices are strong and when I am weak, sad, fragile the tapes are louder than ever.

Six Months......

2009-08-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it feels like time is standing still and then sometimes it feels like it is rushing by. I feel stronger these days...less fragile...and less like I might burst out crying if someone stares at me. I miss Richard even more, I think. The permanence of him being gone forever seems to go deeper every day. I'm still often lost, not sure if I can find my way. I feel Richard near me alot. I feel him encouraging me and reminding me of my strength, my love and my compassion. He is still teaching me and loving me. It is comforting to know that no matter what, I will always be married to him...forever...... I also know that Richard doesn't want me to be in pain or to not get back into "life"....but believe me....this is hard.

Richard believed in the power of creative energy and thinking. He believed that, simply, in a world that often makes us feel powerless, using our creative minds is the most positive way to promote change. I use to tell him about the energy of my "play art classes" and how when I had six people playing, smiling and making beautiful art I felt such a power. Often I would comment that when working in my own studio I sometimes felt like I was connecting with others who were creating at the same time. He believed in the collective consciousness and he wanted to do something to add to the worlds creative energy.

So....we finished the outside art studio. It's a beautiful place and he worked so hard on it. He wanted to run classes out there...spiritual, my art classes and also let other's use the space to teach their own classes. It was a dream of his.....one that was on track..... But then Brain Cancer hit and well....you know the rest of the story.

I've been thinking alot about that space. I've been thinking about ways I could honor Richard's memory.....And I've decided to fulfill his dream of using the studio for teaching art. Since I'm not really ready to take on such a huge project....I've asked two other artists to join me. We are calling the space the Sparrow's Nest (Richard used sparrow in alot of his passwords) and our kick off celebration will be on September 18-20 with a women's retreat. It's exciting and it feels so right.

After our first meeting, one of the women that I am working with, Deborah, and I were going to dinner. We parked her car and started walking to the restaurant. She told me to look down and there walking on the ground beside me was a little bird. It walked with me to the restaurant and then flew away. I asked Deborah what kind of bird she thought it was and she replied, "A Sparrow"!!!!!! We both got cold chills. I don't need anymore clarification that Richard thinks this endeavor is a fabulous idea.

So......these next few months will be the creation of this program. I'm feeling excited and a little scared....because it feels huge. Tracy Vandermay and Deborah Moskowitz are the other two artists who are joining me. Tracy works primarily in the area of bead weaving and bead embroidary....but she also does alot of work with fiber. Deborah teaches "soul collage" and also teaches decorative goard making and basket weaving. They are two fabulous artists and two wonderful friends. They both are willing to help me make this happen and for that I am eternally grateful.

See....I haven't just been sitting around crying all day....I've been doing some of my own art, planning and dreaming about the Sparrow's Nest, walking the dogs, going to my usual bizillion doctor's appointments, going our a little and learning, in small tiny steps, how to live "onely". My heart is full and that feels wonderful!!!

Blessings,

Sherri

P.S. My step-daughter, Emily, just told me that I had counted wrong. The first title said seven months.....but its really only been six months. Sometimes I'm still acting pretty nuts. I've learned not to get scared when I do whacko things....I guess its part of the process!!!!! On Aug. 11th Richard will have been gone six months....it feels like forever. I miss you so much!!!!

A Beautiful Day in the Garden!

2009-07-15T18:34:00.001-07:00

It was a beautiful day in my garden. When I am out there I feel like I am tending to Richard. He loved this house. He loved this yard. He loved the property. It was something we created together. I just wish that he had more time to enjoy it. I believe that now I am enjoying it for both of us. It's a lot of work....but I absolutely love it!!!!

I made a new garden bed for Richard. He loved dahlias and I love roses...so that is what I have planted there. It also holds his grapes that he planted the first year that we lived there. These roses are breathtaking. I think I have six rose bushes in all.

This Bee Balm is taller than I am and just full of bees humming away. It is radiant from our deck and smells heavenly.

Mali loves to help me garden. She, Jazzy and Mia the cat are always near. They always find a little piece of shade.

How can I be anything but happy out with all the wonderful colors of nature. I have a wonderful friend, Wes, who comes every week and helps me around the property. I couldn't keep this place without him. Wes has worked for Richard and I for years and years. He is the brother of one of my most dear friends, Tracy. He and I are very proud of all our hard work.

This property holds Richard in its arms. He was so peaceful, even when he was the sickest, just sitting and looking at the trees and flowers that surrounded him. I am so glad that he and I got to have the time we did here. We found an even deeper love here on East Maplewood.

I just wanted to share this with all of you!

Blessings,

Sherri

Nursery Rhymes!

2009-07-14T13:50:00.000-07:00

I love Nursery Rhymes. I spent Saturday night with my "borrowed son's" baby, Sydney and I found myself singing her little baby tunes that I magically remembered. They come back to you if you hold a baby for long enough. All of a sudden I said the Humpty Dumpty Nursery rhyme and BOOM!!!! I realized that that should be my theme rhyme right now. I finally totally get Humpty Dumpty.

I had a huge fall....recently.....it took 1 1/2 years but when I landed I was totally broken apart.....and now slowly.....with the help of my friends, doctors and children I am learning how to put myself back together again. It's a tedious process...but slowly I am beginning to at least see a shape that I can call my own.

Richard has been gone for six months....and my heart still hurts as if the last time I kissed him was yesterday. The thought of him warms me so. He is my hero. And is still helping me see my own strength, goodness and path. He continues teaching...everyday. He is a miracle.

I am thankful that I have started doing my art again. Soon I will post some of my visual journaling pages so that you can see what I've been working on. I've also been working feverishly on my garden and down by our creek. I feel so wonderfully close to Richard when I am tending to the garden. He loved it here. He loved this home and he loved showing it off. So I am taking care of him by taking care of it.

This is just a short post but I wanted you to know that I'm doing OK. Richard is loving us all....and we are carrying him very close.

Blessings,

Sherri

Some Moments in Time

2009-06-22T22:00:00.000-07:00

I just have to tell you about some beautiful things that I experienced today. They felt very significant and amazing. I love it when things like this happen.

I was walking home from a doctors appointment today. It was beautiful and sunny. It had rained earlier so the sun was a surprise for me. I didn't have the dogs with me because I had gone to the doctor. If they were with me this probably never would have happened. The Universe works everything out....it always does.

It had been a "missing Richard" morning. I've been having less of these but today my heart felt broken and the tears were just laying on my eyes...ready to spill over at any moment. I miss him for so many reasons; but on days like today it is the little things I miss....the daily living that we did together....like drinking coffee together, like talking quietly in the morning, like getting showered and dressed together. I miss those moments of normal living a great deal. Now I do it alone...and some days it is really hard.

Anyway on my way home I was still missing him deeply. Walking through the park I had remembered some special times we had spent there. I missed hanging onto his arm or holding his hand. I always use to point out little things and he would act all excited....I don't know if he was but he always acted that way and it made me so happy. He always warned me about the roots on the trails so that I wouldn't trip. Poor guy...he hated it when I fell. Now I do my own root watching....

I guess I was talking about all this in my head....aching....but continuing to move forward in my "onely" march. All of a sudden I looked up and there were two big beautiful butterflies fluttering toward me. They looked like they were dancing. It was truly amazing. They twirled around each other, silently, moving their wings. The sun hit their majestic colors and they twinkled as if glittered with magic. I stopped and just stood and watched and the butterflies danced around me for moments, showing me their abilities to so show their wonderful performance. Obviously they had been practicing together for a long time because they anticipated each other's moves. They were partners, dancing and loving in the sun.

I knew that Richard had sent me those beautiful butterflies. They demonstrated, so eloquently, a very precious love. The love was obvious, yet it was quiet and sure. That's how our love was.....obvious....but quiet and sure. I was deeply moved by the moments and felt so grateful to be part of that magic. I knew Richard was standing beside me, watching with a matching wonderment.....I felt him there.

Tonight as I let Mali out I stayed on the deck. She's become weird about going outside alone so I often just stand on the deck and listen and watch the happenings of the approaching night as she scouts around for the perfect place to pee :). Tonight my eyes immediately went to the beautiful, huge trees that surround our property. With the silver sky of dusk the trees appear very black....giant silhouettes. Tonight all seemed still but as I stood there, one huge tree began to sway with the wind....back and forth, back and forth. The other trees seemed to stand still....but this one beautiful tree kept up its rhythmic movement. Then I heard the sound of the wind blowing through the tree's leaves and branches. It was like a soft whisper, a tune, but one just for me. It was an awesome few moments.

Again....I believe that Richard was letting me know that he is still with me...always.... I just have to pay attention. He was always a subtle man....he moved softly and when he played his guitar it always sounded so beautiful....similar to the sound of the wind blowing through the leaves of the tree. He was such a gentle man....just like the movement tonight that I saw in that one tree. I feel so thankful that I payed attention to these special moments.

Happy Father's Day Richard!!!

2009-06-21T16:43:00.001-07:00

I woke up today thinking of Richard and of Father's Day. He loved Father's Day because that is when his children were always around him. It was a tradition that they would come over for breakfast and we would all have peanut butter pancakes and eggs. Richard and his kids loved peanut butter pancakes. Initially, I was skeptical but as the years went on I began to enjoy them too. It's one of those meals that has a very pungent odor.....and either the smell can make you sick or you have to be eating right along with everyone else. I was pleasantly surprized at how yummy the combination of peanut butter, pancake and syrup are!!!! It became one of my favorites too!

Richard's primary role in his lifetime was that of "Father". He loved being a Dad. He loved doing things for his children. And they loved being around him. I miss that activity and commotion that was always part of our household. We always laughed and laughed and laughed....but also had some very deep, meaningful discussions.

That is one of the adjustments I am making in my life without Richard. It is natural and something I expected....but I miss the gathering of all the kids and their friends here at our home. It was so fun listening to them and being part of their story telling. Sometimes I would just sit and watch Richard glow in their presence. He was a proud Father and I believe that his children knew this. His pride and pure love made visiting him so attractive.

There are so many changes now, yet I had a year and a half to anticipate them and I think I thought about this adjustment with a realistic mind. It isn't easy...but I get most of the changes. I can't say I like them all....but I get why they naturally happen. Even though I have wonderful relationships with both of Richard's children...the fact remains....I am a step-Mother who was married to their Father. I love them very much and they love me....but without their Dad here it is very different for all of us. It's almost like the main attraction has left the building.

It's a beautiful day here....sunny but not too hot. Emily and Adam took Mali on a hike and my friend Cheryl and I took Jazzy on a two hour walk. Both dogs are resting now in pure happiness and contentment. I am glad that we all got exercise. Now I am off to do my Sunday chores.......new chores that have become mine since Richard has been gone.....mainly.....the world of the garbage and re-cycling. That is a huge job.

Keeping everyone in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings, Sherri

What to do with myself?????

2009-06-11T16:06:00.000-07:00

I miss Richard. When I write that it cuts to my bones. It seems like such a trivial little sentence....yet it holds such weight in my world right now. My task, so I am told, is to create a new me without my husband, without me being a wife, without our routines, without our usual activities, without the kids bringing their friends over, without cooking for two, without sleeping next to him, without holding his hand, without, without, without. It is a mighty task. And for the first time....I am at a loss as to how to do that.

I'm doing everything I can to try and get through this. I've joined a bereavement group on-line, I'm back doing a little art, I'm walking everyday, I'm eating OK, I'm not drinking myself drunk, I'm not smoking, I'm keeping in touch with a few friends who have stood by me from the very beginning, I'm setting healthy boundaries, I'm getting lots of rest...... I'm working really hard doing all the "shoulds" of grief 101. But even after all of this....it seems just my skin is learning to live without Richard.....you take that away and I am totally loss.

I've been more quiet about it....realizing that I am probably boring people and that some may be thinking I'm off my rocker. I've learned that it is a solitary journey. I can attempt to share it with others, but they have to leave, or I have to go home and then the depth of the pain surfaces once again. I also feel fragile and weak which is so different for me. It's all new....It is ALL new.

I guess that's enough for now. Everytime I write anything I believe it sounds stupid and I erase it.....so I must be done. I am just "doing it" and for now that is enough. This experience has left me raw....it will take time to heal. I have to be patient.

Blessings,

Sherri

What to do?

2009-06-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

It's been such a long time since I have posted. Honestly I haven't known what to do with this blog....should I continue this journey? Should I go back to my old blog....where I tried to me my artistic self? Is this journey completed? Do I have anything of value to say?

Today I went to the Farmer's Market and a dear woman came up to me and held me in her arms with wonderful warmth. When we moved apart she looked into my eyes and I looked into hers for a long silent moment. Where I am right now, it is dufficult to look people in the eyes; however doing so seems like part of the healing process. I am only going to heal from a soulful wisdom...it is difficult to find that in myself or through others without a connection....a true meeting. Lately I've been trying to see the little dots in the pupil of people's eyes, often right around the iris....When I see those little specks of darkness I know I am close to their soul, there true spirit. I know I am present and paying attention...and that I am taking the time to connect. Anyway...she thanked me for our blog and told me how much it meant to her. I was deeply touched...deeply.... I admitted to her that I really didn't know what to do with the blog at this point. I heard myself tell her, with clarity, that by no means do I believe that Richard's and my journey with brain cancer is over. The words amazed me....but I said them. And then I said that this part of the journey seems worthy of sharing however at times it is very dark and grim. She commented that it seems so important.

I guess that the answer came to me then. The blog must continue for a while longer. Our story is not done yet. These last four months have been as huge as the months of dealing with chemo and radiation...different... But still part of the same journey. I feel like this part is important. This part bears witness to the entire experience of cancer and of losing someone whom you love so deeply. For these reasons I will continue....

There are many reasons that I have hesitated, but the main reason is the dark places in my mind where those horrible negative tapes keep playing. Who would want to hear this part? Why whine here in public? Why expose such a private time in my life? You are so dramatic....always thinking that it's about you....well it isn't.....it's about Richard? Why are you choosing to do it this way? Other's will judge this as self-indulgent. Those tapes are vicious....and in the midst of pain it is difficult to control the off button. But you know....for all of us who hear similar tapes....I believe that they must be turned off in order to grow and, for me, in order to love.

So, my friends....here we go..... The next chapter..........

Blessings for now,

Sherri

This is not for light weights (wieghts)

2009-03-11T18:36:00.000-07:00

Richard....my beautiful Richard....has been gone for one month today. One may ask, "What have you been doing since he's been gone?" I would honestly have to reply, "Learning how to live without my beloved husband." It has been a daunting task. Thank God I don't remember a lot of it. But what I know intimately is that I have never in my life experienced such heart break and pain. It is a roller coaster ride, for sure. Sometimes I'm O.K. and then boom....my eyes fill up with tears and I can't talk....I've come to accept that that is part of grieving. I'm just not use to being so vunerable and fragile.

The children are all back in their own homes and back to work. They are trying desperately to live their lives. They are so amazing....they march on....miss their Dad tremendously, but are moving forward. Again, I am touched by their awesome courage. Richard, I know, is so proud of them. They can't see it now....but I see a new wisdom about them....a gift that they have received during this experience. They are taking care of themselves and I love them so much.

There is a lot to do when someone dies. Some of the tasks are easy to walk through, but many of them are very difficult. All the paperwork, visiting the funeral home, telephone calls, visits to City Hall, going to our banks, talking to social security, learning where ALL the paperwork is, getting caught up on the bills that became unimportant during the last couple of months and, the worst of all, filing the dreaded taxes. It's kept me busy and it's made me "act" competent and required me to pay attention to details which takes up my entire brain. I've learned that it can surprisingly be a good break from the grief. Again....I just keep doing the "do". So far all the "to-dos" are going well but I'm not done yet.

I've tried to honor the pain and the process surrounding the loss of my life partner. For once in my life...I am sitting with pain....forcing myself not to run like crazy....but just sitting and being. I wear Rick's cozy shirts and his socks all the time. They bring me such comfort...he feels so close to me when I have them on. I spend a lot of crazy time in our walk-in closet...touching his treasures, smelling all his hats, lining up his shoes carefully, holding his stethoscope....all the things that bring him nearer to me. And I sob and sob and sob....a deep wailing, primal, cry that I'm sure has been done by others who have experienced loss for centuries before me. I know it sounds insane...maybe it is....but it feels like I have to do this and that someday...as time moves on I believe the need will not be as strong.

I've had a few horrible nights...long and very frightening...but just when I'm feeling like I can't go on...something miraculous happens. Last night was one of those nights....I was forlorn and very tired. I went into my art studio and I looked out the window....and there was the moon....huge, golden orange, hovering over the roof of my neighbors home. My breath caught...and my soul filled with peace and love and I believe...Richard. Later that evening I went out back with the dogs for our last ball playing. Out back my neighbors have these huge trees....huge...that have lost all their leaves...they are so majestic against the night sky. Last night as I looked at them through my tears, I saw our Omak star twinkling at me. Oh Richard, thank you for touching my heart. Everything became O.K.

Please don't send out the medics with a straight jacket. I'm doing fine. After those moments I actually feel the most calm and centered. I believe that Richard is orchestrating those special times...just so I will stop and remember how much he loved me and believed in me. At those moments I feel that I am the best I can be. I remember who I really am.

Richard, I believe, surrounds all of us as we move through our busy days. He is there when we see beauty. He is there when we care and comfort someone. He is there when we love honestly and openly. He is there when we become peaceful in our own beings. He is there when we let ourselves experience stillness. He is there when we experience each moment in our day to the fullest.

I love you all. Thank you for all your kindness. I continue to be touched by all the acts of pure love that surround me. Until next time....

Blessings,

Sherri

And time moves on...slowly

2009-02-21T20:01:00.001-08:00

Before Richard died, Emily bought him a star and named it Omak. Omak is the name that we all called Richard...it's a long story but when it is interpreted it means (to the kids and I) Omak....the man of great wisdom and grace. Emily is the daughter of Omak, Dana is the son of Omak. Alex is the step-son of Omak. And I am Omak's wench!!!! Anyway we had so much fun over the past year and a half calling Richard Omak, bowing to Omak, naming his favorite chair the Omak Chair....and on and on..... Anyway he loved it that Emily bought him a beautiful star and that she named it Omak. Since the first night that he had the Omak Star paperwork we have called Venus....the Omak Star. We know it isn't really....but we pretend and we've seen it every night over the past few weeks.

These past few nights, when I've taken the dogs outside, I've seen the Omak Star. It has given me some wonderful "peace" and connection to Richard. Tonight (night two of being alone without Dana and Emily) the star was covered by clouds....but as I sat down and waited for the dogs....the clouds cleared and the star shone with brillance. I was feeling so lonely...and so full of pain....but then the star came out and I felt totally grounded. How blessed I am to have the star in my life.

Wednesday we went to Orcas Island to see Alex. We had a wonderful time...perfect!!! We hiked up to this little spot on Mt. Constitution and let off helium balloons....yelling that we loved Richard. The clouds parted and the balloons rose and rose, together, and went through this perfect opening in this white fluffy cloud. It was beautiful!

The three dogs went with us....(even Jamaica, who we carried everywhere). Alex took us to this beautiful beach and Mali and Jazzy swam while all of us drank an ice cold beer in tribute to Omak. Richard loved the salt water. He would have loved us all being together, jumping around, throwing the ball for the dogs and toasting the most amazing husband and father. It was a wonderful memorial. Alex was the perfect host....and it was a special time just being together.

Thursday night....we had more gut wrenching sadness as Jamaica started having trouble breathing. The breathing problems went on all day...but when Emily got home he was really struggling. She and I ended up taking him to the emergency vet...and we had to put him to sleep. Again, Emily and I held someone who we loved and helped them transition onto the next life.....I kept whispering to him that Richard would be there waiting for him.....I believe that...it made it easier for all of us. You know things are really bad when the vet. and her assistant are crying with Emily and I. It is another loss...but Jamaica had a long, wonderful life...we all know that he did, but it seems perfect that Richard has his "little buddy" with him.

My pain is touchable...I can smell it, feel it, taste it...but I know that paying attention to these feelings is in some horrible way paying honor to my beloved Richard. I spend alot of times looking at pictures of our family. It feels so good seeing him looking healthy and happy. We had so many magical moments together.....I am so thankful for every single one of them.

I'm still having trouble seeing people. It will get easier (won't it?????) but right now I am asking for patience from my many friends who want to help. I still feel as though I am recuperating...and tending to myself and my family. That feels like that's all I can handle.

I have treasured the cards and letters from friends, relatives and even people I don't know but who were touched by Richard somewhere during their lives. He touched many people....I know that....but hearing everyone's special words about him has touched me deeply.

I think of all my friends and family often throughout the day. I feel you all still praying for us. Thank you so much. This time is a difficult part of the journey. I definately don't know exactly what I am doing...but this time also feels so blessed and important.

Blessings to all of you!!!

Love Sherri

We just keep doing.....

2009-02-19T14:40:00.001-08:00

Life is moving on....very slowly....and it feels like we are in a unchartered territory where everything is strange and activities feel different. I knew that life would never be the same without Richard but I never expected that my own body and skin would feel so foreign and unfriendly. Since the morning that Richard took his last breath, my own rhythm and breathing has felt stilted and shallow.

We are all still very aware of those last few days with Rick. I seem to be re-living every moment...but yet not recalling the sequence of things. It seems as though that week happened simultaneously...a flash here, a flash there...and a seering pain which at any other time would have knocked me flat.

My compass...or maybe my map....is all controlled by a constant reviewing of what Richard would want to happen....what would he expect....am I acting as he would want me to act. I ask myself constantly if I'm pushing myself enough while at the same time wondering if being quiet and just at home surrounded by Richard is the perfect thing to do. What I know for sure....nothing feels right yet.

Dana, Emily and I have hung on to each other over the past eight days. We understand the level of grief.....the level of pain. We accept where each of us are, support our attempts to do things....and then we're there for one another as we return to our safe haven. For me...they are Richard.....and being with them is being with a safe "me"...the mother, the lead in this experience.

I know they need to get back to their "normal" lives. Emily went to work today....I am so proud of her. Dana has plans to leave for Seattle tomorrow...but if that doesn't feel right for him we both have agreed that he can come back without judgement. They're both worried about me....but I've assured them over and over.....that I'm going to have really hard times, but that I'm going to be O.K. I know that this pain will change...and that remembering the bad things will diminish over time and then the good memories will become part of my daily experience. I am anxious for the memories of the week before his death to stop flashing in my mind....I never know when these episodes will hit and the safest place for me to be is here at home in the safeness of the place Richard loved most.

I want to move through this with awareness and love. I believe that I have grown tremendously....but testing this growth seems way too scary now...just little steps. The scariest moments is when I can't feel richard within my soul....I panic that I may be losing him...but then I can stop, breathe and get in touch with his shining essence. So much of that can help me move forward.

Your prayers and special thoughts have brought such warmth to all of us. Thank you for the way you have all continued to support us. It is amazing to see how many people can be touched by the sweetness of one blessed man. I truly believe he is with us all.

Love Sherri

Sadly

2009-02-11T04:09:00.000-08:00

It is with deep sadness that I am writing this entry. My beloved husband, Richard, passed away early this morning at 1:10 a.m. surrounded by his loving family. There is so much that I want to say....but now just doesn't seem to be the time. I do want everyone to know that the last 30 minutes of Richard's life was amazingly beautiful. I believe that he was totally at peace.

I love Richard deeply. He was a courageous warrior until the end.

Thank you for including us in your thoughts and prayers. I promise that I will write more later when I feel more rested.

Until then....as always....my love,

Sherri

What day is it?

2009-02-09T17:49:00.000-08:00

Richard continues to stay with us....after many days of a grueling fight. His heart is strong...but he is growing so very weary. We gather around him, as a family, tending to his needs and taking care of one another. The depth of sorrow is intense...deeper than any of us imagined. But we are a strong force....insuring that Richard is comfortable and full of peace.

Today, David, our blessed Hospice Nurse, had to remove Richard's wedding ring because his hands are swelling. My heart broke as I sobbed with tears from my deepest, darkest place. I ran from the room and Dana found me, then lifted me from the floor and held me quietly, reminding me that we were all going to make it through this nightmare....somehow....together. He assured me that Pam had placed the ring on a special necklace that Richard has been wearing around his neck.

This afternoon I went to give Richard a kiss on his forehead......time stopped for me.....as I noticed that my beautiful husband had his hands around his necklace...holding his wedding ring in his beautiful fingers.

Blessings and miracles continue to surround us.

Tenderly,

Sherri

How can it be time to say Good-bye?

2009-02-03T22:40:00.000-08:00

We have been told by Hospice that it will not be long before this journey is over. I knew that we were at this point...but hearing it brought it deep into my being. I am afraid and yet I feel determined to remain strong for Richard. My only wishes are for him to be totally comfortable and for our family to have the closure that everyone needs. I feel as thought Richard and I have said all there is to say between us on this earthly plain...I know how he feels about me and I know he feels my love and committment. I also know that this will not be the end of our communication....it will be different but we still we feel each other's love forever more. I know I will see him often....in the beauty around me, in his children's eyes, in the sunshine, in the dahlias that we grew together...and I believe he will be a part of me forever....guiding me, believing in me, proud of my accomplishments.

I have been blessed in many ways in my life....but my biggest blessing will always be the time I have spent with Richard A. Estes. He has helped me become a better person. He has tenderly shown me my best self. And he has believed in me totally and without hesitation. He has loved me as I have never been loved before. I feel honored to be his partner....it truly has been my most meaningful role.

Richard has slipped into a place that I believe is between two worlds. He has said that it is a fuzzy place.... I know that he is prepared to move from this world to another. I know his transition will be warm, peaceful and full of light. He will be surrounded by those who love him and are waiting to stay by his side as he moves into a new reality. I believe, and I know he does to, that he is about to find his true spiritual essence. God will come to him and he will be whole.

This is excruiating for me and for all of us. The pain is intense...so real and massive that I often question whether I can bear it. This is the hardest thing I have ever done....but I know that I must open my arms, take a deep breath and let him go...with love and gratefulness.

How will I make it? I truly have no idea. Will I be able to bear the pain? I'm not sure. But my beliefs tell me that this is all part of my own spiritual journey. I need to honor Richard's and my time together. I must take time to pay deep attention to my heart, to love and to my own compassion. Only then will healing begin.

Please pray for us. There are many of us...all trying to do something that is very foreign and do it with grace, love and respect. Pray that we can all find the way to join together and gain strength from our unity. Pray that we can remember Richard's love for us and his peace and courage. His light shines over us all.

Please take care of yourselves and your loved ones. You are all important pieces of the puzzle that is Richard's life.

Blessings,

Sherri

Too Many Thoughts!!!

2009-01-30T22:52:00.000-08:00

It seems as though we are all always thinking.....not in a steady stream but all over the place...patches here and there...no conclusions, no solutions, only worry, fear and the unknown.

Sleep for me is very difficult. I just know there will be lots of time for sleep later. I feel, now, like every moment is precious. I sleep enough. Don't worry, I am remembering that I have to remain strong and well for Richard, our children, our families and friends. But I'm constantly thinking about the next thing, the list of to-dos, the memories that I am learning to hold dear. It's all O.K....necessary parts of this journey maybe....or possibly a distraction.

Tonight all the kids are gone, Richard is asleep and I find myself feeling empty and somewhat numb. But then I will remember...and my breath stops....allowing a wrenching pain to bubble up and cover me entirely. I am surprised there are tears left. I will often find myself just sitting beside him, quietly on his bed....tears flowing quietly down a now familiar path....watching him sleep.

I have allowed myself some moments (about all I can handle) to try and imagine what it will be like to live in this house without Richard. I am so afraid.... He is so much a part of our home. All his treasures surround me. His smell is in our closet. His shaver, with little pieces of his hair in it, is lying on our bathroom counter. His favorite soap is on his side of our shower. I know these things will be comforting to me...but also I think it will all make me sad, painfully sad.

Richard is slipping away more every day. I tried to talk to him about the beautiful things he has given me and of how thankful I am. He has believed in me, my strength and goodness. He has given me the confidence to love myself. What a beautiful gift. I talked....trying desperately to get him to understand. I also assured him that when he was gone I would continue to believe in my best self. I promised that I would continue my own spiritual study. I told him I would find a way to not always feel afraid. I have a need to share my walk of abundant appreciation and thankfulness. I can't risk him forgetting for a moment what he means to me.

As he grows weaker, there is a need for me to grow stronger. I am doing it....finding it almost easy and comforting. He is dependent on us now for almost everything. We are all stepping up and learning to work together intuitively....all for Richard, our hero. There is a rhythm here now.....a focus. I believe our movements are the same ones that have been taken by our ancestors for generations before us. Somehow, even though so much is frightening, it all seems familiar. I have experienced a "knowing".....and so have the others that are doing this with me.

I can feel you all thinking about us. I know there are prayers being said, candles being lit, loving thoughts surrounding us. I am so thankful for all of our family and friends. This is a huge group effort. Believe me your thoughts, remembrances, prayers are an integral part of this journey. I know that Richard feels all of you. I know it is part of his acceptance and peace. Thank you.

Blessings,

Sherri

Reality

2009-01-27T11:48:00.000-08:00

That isn's a very creative title...but it is the best I could come up with. I believe that all of us have entered a type of "time warp".... We often look at one another and say, "I can't believe that we are doing this." "I can't believe that we are talking about this." But slowly I believe that it is sinking in. It is horribly sad...yet I continue to feel as though it is such a gift to be caring for this wonderful man....the horror of it all can be diminwshed.

Richard grows weaker daily. He sleeps a great deal, now has a catheter and has had episodes of breathing problems. His voice is very quiet...a whisper and sometimes it is difficult to understand him. However, there are such beautifully tender moments...Dana and I giving him a bed bath, Jason stroking his cheek, him thanking me and telling me that he loves me and seeing flashes of his beautiful smile.

Dana and Emily are very close....I often see them holding one another, stroking each other's back, bowing their heads together....comforting one another as only brothers and sisters can do. It warms my heart greatly. Sometimes they include me in that tenderness....but I have learned to reach out and tell them what I need and they are always willing to give it to me. They are beautiful children....they are Richard's children.

My son is coming tomorrow....and I know for me that will be a comfort. I can feel his sadness over the phone lines and his worry about me, Richard and his step-brother and sister. I will welcome him here with open arms. I can't wait to have him hold me. He is a man now and he is a great hugger. I am thankful he is coming even if it is just for a few days.

My friends...we are moving through this holy time. We are very busy....hospice has supporter us beautifully and we move forward with caring for Richard under their compassionate guidance. While they keep us busy....I know their intentions are right and in the end the preparations will make things much easier.

I wish that everyone could be here and just observe the miracle of this experience. I believe it is golden. I feel honored to be part of it.

My love to evereyone. I wish this were longer.....but I am needed.

Love Sherri

To all who have loved Richard

2009-01-24T00:30:00.000-08:00

I am very tired but I feel like I need to take a few minutes to let you all know what is going on. This will be short.....I'm weary and know that my sleep is crucial to face this next phase of our journey.

Richard had an MRI yesterday. The doctor (our angel....Dr. Gittle Goodman-Wilson) came to our home and shared the news with Richard and his children, Dana and Emily, and I. The cancer has aggressively spread throughout Richard's brain and no further treatment can be done. I didn't need an MRI to tell me this; however Richard wanted to go through with the test and so did his children. I am surprised that even though I felt like I knew what was happening....hearing it and seeing the report took away all of the denial that was still part of my deepest wishes that Richard would live with me forever. The news was devastating. Last night was very intense....but today, even though bleary eyed, we are all facing the challenge of meeting Richard's wishes in the best way that we can.

Hospice had been called in last week. We had to stop it....so that insurance would pay for the MRI....but the minute the results came in, we re-signed and hospice has started again. Family has gathered....lots of comings and goings....but I'm trying to stay centered and focused, knowing clearly what my job is at this point. My main focus is on providing Richard with as much comfort and love as I can as he faces this last stage of this journey that we have been on.

Richard has carefully taught us all how to proceed through this phase. We are all moving within his constant message of love and compassion and everything else has fallen away. We are all tireless in our mission. I believe that this is Richard's last lesson on this earthly plane....how to receive care from others instead of always being the caregiver. As expected, he is facing this challenge with grace and courage.

He has prepared me well and I know my role as his partner and wife. His children are totally amazing.....as is all our family and friends. Whenever we feel lost we look at him and the way becomes obvious. He is surrounded by glowing candles, pictures, amazing smells and tender hands. I believe we are all holding him up....standing beside him as he prepares to leave this earthly place. He is at total peace....he is calm, tranquil and shining with the assurance of a man who has lived within the pure light and understanding of how this Universe works. It is awesome to watch.

Yes, I am frightened...sometimes breathless about how fast it is all moving. But I know that we will all be O.K.. We will be sad, lost at times, totally forlorn....but yet strong in the knowledge that Richard feels so sure that he has reached a state of completion with this life and is ready to move on.

Please keep us in your prayers. The work we are doing now is true soul work. We all hear the true essence of a higher power directing our every move. We are thankful for all of you. You are giving us strength to find meaning in this most difficult time.

Love each other....that is exactly what Richard would want.

My love,
Sherri

Checking In

2009-01-21T14:41:00.000-08:00

Hello my dear friends and family,

This past week and a half has been a total blur. Dana and I have decided that we have entered a "time warp".....a little microcosm of the real world. We have no sense of what day it is, what time it is or even of what normal is like anymore. But we are all moving forward in learning to care for a man who is at this stage of the brain cancer journey. I am so proud of Dana and Emily. They are amazing as they care for their Father. It is so touching to watch them interact with him.

Richard's decline over the past ten days has been absolutely stunning. I see him changing daily and feel him slipping away from me as time goes on. He is in bed most of the day. Now he can only transfer or walk with alot of assistance and even, at times, needs help changing position in bed. He is more confused and forgetful. Fortunately the cancer has prevented Richard from really understanding what is happening to him or to even be aware of the changes in his ability to do his daily living skills. I am so thankful for that.

Because of this....Richard is still talking about getting an MRI and possibly continuing chemotherapy. As he talks about the possibility of continuing treatment I believe our children are also needing to see and hear what is happening, medically, in their Father's brain. So I had pushed for an MRI. I've had to fight with the insurance company to get this to happen but we finally got it through and we're having the MRI tomorrow morning at 11:30. Our angel doctor will come to our home and tell us all the results and we will all make plans for what should happen next.

After being with Rick, pretty much non-stop for the last few days, I don't need a test to tell me that there have been huge changes. All of this tells me that something is drastically happening to my husband's beautiful brain. The pit in my stomach, the ache in my heart, the tears I have shed, the faces of our children.....all tell me that Richard is approaching a place of late stage cancer. I pray constantly that I am wrong and that this is just a little set back; however I must be realistic in order to truly be there for Richard and our family and friends.

We all are having the most difficult and important conversations of our lives right now. I have had to be brutally honest with Richard and with our children in regards to what I am seeing and what I believe is happening. I've had to stop and hold their hands and just be quiet; there's really nothing I can say to make this better. I know we all feel helpless.

The most important thing I want everyone to know is that Richard is experiencing minimal pain at this point. What he is feeling is either a headache (scary) or body aches from being in bed. He says that he is peaceful and assures us that he is not afraid. He is being a courageous man...even through this difficult time.

Caring for him is such a sweet honor. Each of us have our own strengths....but it all is so touching and loving. I love helping him, bathing him, feeding him, toileting him, etc. I know that this is a time where Richard is learning one of his most important lessons....how to be cared for instead of always being the one to take care of others. I thank him daily for letting us do this for him....

Betsy let me borrow the cutest little "day bed" that during the day we use as a couch, cuddle place and at night Jazzy and I sleep there. As I lay there I listen to the rhythm of Richard's breath and I watch him as he sleeps peacefully. The hospital bed has an air cover over it and when Richard moves the cover squeaks.....it always wakes me and I look over and see if he needs something or if he is just moving. There will be no more attempts at getting up by himself. I was always so fearful of the time when I would have to stop sleeping with him....but I am loving our little room and I am sosososo glad that he is more comfortable.

He continues to be precious. My love for him has grown even deeper....I like to think that it is growing deeper into my heart so that I will feel it there forever. He is my biggest blessing in so many ways.

The out pouring of help, prayers and love is immense. Thank you to all of you who have dropped off food. We are ALL enjoying it and it is so wonderful that none of us are having to cook. Thank you to the angel(s) who send periodic Trader Joe's gift cards. I'm not sure who you are but we are putting them to good use. Thank you to all the family who are supporting all of us daily. Thank you to all who are continuing to surround Richard and our family in light and who are praying for us. I feel your prayers and thoughts. That is often what is keeping us moving through this part of the journey with strength and compassion.

Love to you all!

Sherri

A changing Journey

2009-01-15T06:52:00.000-08:00

My special friends,

Our journey has changed dramatically since I last wrote. I am heartbroken to report that Richard has declined tremendously. These past few days have been a blur. They have also been very painful for us all. But we are supporting one another. I believe things are progressing as best as they can at this point of our experience with brain cancer. I am sad and frightened for us all. But with Richard as our teacher and model I have faith that we will make it through this horribly difficult time with strength and courage.

In the wee hours of Monday morning, my once robust husband, took his first fall getting out of bed to use the restroom. Up until that time he was moving with stability (although his gait had changed to a shuffle) and requiring no help to do anything. Sunday morning he had gone out to breakfast with my Mom and all of our children. He walked into and out of the restaurant without assistance. We all were amazed as he ate six pancakes scrambled eggs and hash browns (no, his appetite has not changed!)!!!! The previous evening he had gotten himself ready for bed and climbed in as if it was another day.

Needless to say, this fall took he and I by total surprise. As I have written before, there were significant changes in gate and speech…also sleeping more…..and lots of cognitive decline…but something changed in those early hours that seemed to make everything drastically different.

We had to get up early on Monday morning because it was a chemo day and we have to drive an hour to get to the cancer center. My friend, Sheryl, was arriving at nine. When the alarm went off Richard stayed in bed which is very unusual. Up until that morning he had always gotten up to made the coffee while I fed our dogs…but that morning he didn’t move and I did the morning “get up routine” on my own. When I went back into the room he said that he was going to need help getting up but that then he thought he could take care of the showering himself. In getting him out of bed…his legs buckled and he fell again. He needed lots of assistance getting to a standing position. My arthritis has left my arms, neck and back so weak….but somehow the strength came and I was able to get him standing and with a considerable amount of help he got into the shower. After I got him dressed he wanted to lay back down in bed as I showered and got dressed.

When Sheryl arrived to drive us to Everett she helped me pack up our bags and I took care of the dogs. It took both her and I to get Richard out to the car, using his walker (Thank God I had gotten one as requested by the doctor during the week before). After a Starbucks stop we were on the road. Richard ate the breakfast I had packed and half of a scone and then he immediately feel sound asleep on our way to Everett. It was a difficult drive….knowing in my gut that everything had changed. I texted my sister-in-law angel, Pam, and she met us in the garage with a wheelchair. We unloaded Richard and got him upstairs to his appointment.

They put us in a private room, drew blood and then they wheeled him over for his appointment to see the doctor. Dr. Congdon met us with a very sad look on his face. After talking for a while, answering questions etc., the doctor told us that he feared that a small part of this sudden leg weakness may be due to the steroid increase, but that decreasing the steroids would put Rick at a higher risk for seizure. We decided to lower the dose to see if that had any significant change. He then told us that his biggest fear was that these symptoms were related to a sudden surge of tumor growth and once again he explained his on-going worry about continuing a round of chemo when he felt we were seeing tumor progression. Richard asked how we could tell if these symptoms were due to tumor growth and the doctor explained that we would need a new MRI. Rick stated that he wanted to continue with this chemo treatment. So we decided to proceed and then scheduled an MRI for the following week with a plan to go down to Everett on his next scheduled chemo day (Monday, January 26th) to hear the results of the
MRI.

After his treatment Pam and her husband, Scott, drove us back to Bellingham. When we arrived home, we put Rick to bed, Pam started dinner and Scott and I went to a medical supply store to pick up a wheelchair, a urinal and a shower seat that the doctor had ordered. It was obvious that I couldn’t take care of Richard by myself and so Dana (his son) came home from Seattle and has been by Richard’s and my side ever since. Our daughter and her boyfriend have also been here when she wasn’t working. They also have been an immense help.

During that night Richard fell again, even with using the walker and with me holding him up. His gate suddenly changed. He and the walker went flying in different directions and Rick landed on his face, hitting his left eye on our scale. I screamed for Dana and he came running, Richard is now sporting a frightening black eye.

The next morning I called our local doctor (Dr. Gittle Goodman-Wilson) and brought her up to date with what was happening. I told her my “take” on our meeting with our oncologist and Richard’s desire to continue chemo. but that I suspected that we were looking at tumor progression. That day she contacted the oncologist, called me back and we made an appointment to see her on the following day. The sweet woman called me again that evening, asking me about how things were going and offered to come to our house to check Richard out…but I felt like we could wait until the following day to see her.

That same day I also called Richard’s old place of employment (a wonderful care facility where Rick was a nurse and then the medical record’s director) and asked for some help. When I explained our situation the angel I spoke to (one of Rick’s dearest friends) said not to worry she would get on this and see us after work. That afternoon three angels arrived, one with a variety of medical supplies that filled our dining room table, one with a huge box of food and a physical therapist with more equipment. She taught Dana and I how to do safe bed adjustments and transfers. She asked Richard’s permission to bring in a commode to make toileting easier and he agreed (She later dropped one off), and made some adjustments to our current set up so that caring for Richard would be easier. It was an amazing hour and after they all left the three of us cried with appreciation and total love for these women and all the people at Mt. Baker. They totally embraced us and helped us all immensely.

Since we arrived home from Everett I have watched my husband weaken and change minute by minute. When we tried to get him up for the doctor's appointment it became obvious that he was way too weak to go and I called the doctor’s office and told them. Gittle called me back and said she would come to our home that evening. Pam came up so that she could be part of that appointment.

Richard fell again when I went to let the dogs in. I had left him on the commode and he fell trying to empty his own commode pan. He did get to the toilet (a total miracle) but then fell into our closet. When I found him his was laying flat on his back in our walk-in closet holding the pan proudly in the air. When I saw him I burst out laughing, went and got Dana and after the three of us got over our hysterics, we got Rick up, scolded him and put him back in bed. He spent the entire day sleeping in bed and begged us not to make him get up. It was so painful to watch.

When the doctor came she examined Rick and then sat on the bed with all of us and talked to Rick about our options. In the end Richard agreed to bringing hospice in so that they could help us. It was a heart breaking conversation but we all agreed that we needed help. I was already experiencing significant arthritis pain. Even with our strong 26 year old son helping me, lifting a two hundred pound man has been really hard.

I am so sad…heartbroken. I am watching my husband change right before my eyes. I know that tomorrow a hospital bed will arrive. Last night was so painful because I sensed that it may be my last night of sleeping with my husband and our comfy big bed. He was so restless and uncomfortable throughout the night that now, I can’t wait until we get the hospital bed. It will be so much easier to help him get comfortable and to move him safely.

My grief is immense for all of us. Watching our children (my son will join us soon) and both of our families as they slowly accept where we are headed has been excruciating. Feeling Richard’s deterioration has been awful.

I also know that this is a blessed, holy time for Richard, myself and our families and friends….and want to honor it with as much grace as possible. We have all become witnesses to a holy transition and we are assisting Richard by caring for him, loving him and just being with him. I know he is constantly surrounded by angels....actually I feel them all around us. If you listen real carefully you can hear their soft voices, their melodies, their on-going rituals as they help Richard face this part of the journey.

I keep thanking him for letting us care and love him. I keep assuring him that he has done well....we are all doing O.K. by using his example. He has helped us gain wisdom and courage to do our holy work in tending to him. We are all touching him, holding him, spending time with him in bed. I believe we are all being intuitive as to what exactly needs to be done as the time passes. Tonight we all got in bed with him, including all three dogs....and held him as he snoozed and we all got silly. It was wonderful and Richard was so peaceful and happy.
Please pray for Richard...that he may remain peaceful and protected at this time. Please pray for all of us as we love him and care for him.

This has been a difficult post. but probably one of the most important. I love all of you. I feel you all embracing us...I can feel your warmth. Thank you for continuing to hold us close.

Blessings,

Sherri

Rain Rain Go Away!!!

2009-01-08T23:33:00.000-08:00

We've had such a busy few days. Richard's dear Father has been here and I've absolutely loved having him. There is something about watching a Father tend to his chldren that absolutely touches my heart. I can see, easily, where Richard gets his tender touch and his strength. Leo is a very special man.

We spent our days being busy...doing chores, making soft blankies for my children, playing cards, watching T.V. and all the flooding, cooking together and helping Richard whenever we could. Richard is sleeping alot now....and so Leo and I had some precious talks and beautiful time just being together.

Leo's wife, Angie, is very sick over in Wenatchee. She has been in Wenatchee in the hospital after weathering two surgerys where parts of her small and large intestine were removed. When Angie got stronger after her operations the doctors told Leo to go and visit his son. They felt that Angie was on the road to recovery. Can you imagine? A sick wife and a very ill son????? How horrible for this man. Angie is still facing a third, very serious, surgery where they will try and fix a main artery leading to her stomach which is blocked and interfering with proper digestion. However, this can't occur until she is stronger from these current situations. They have a rough road ahead...but we are all hopeful and believe that Angie is going to get better and be dancing again, with her gorgeous husband, very soon.

Last night, when Leo called his wife, she really wasn't feeling very well and he made the decision to return to Wenatchee. However, now all passes are closed because of the rain and flooding. He was so frustrated (we all were) and he decided to leave this afternoon to at least get down to Pam's in Everett so that the minute the passes open he can scoot across. Hopefully, tomorrow he will be able to return to the bedside of his beloved.

Meanwhile, today, Alex (my son) came over here from Orcas Island to have four wisdom teeth removed. YUK!!!! My poor baby!!! Thank you to my brother-in-law for taking Alex and I to the oral surgeon. It was a treat to be able to spend some uninterrupted time with Richard (yes, another Richard) and just talk while they were yanking Alex's teeth. Richard and I shared a very tender moment together when Alex started throwing up on the way out of the doctor's office...I ran for help while Richard helped Alex to the men's restroom. I will say no more other then GROSS and ACHE for Alex's miserableness. As Richard loaded us into the car...he actually was laughing and informed me that that little moment absolutely was not part of the deal!!!! Bless him for hanging in there with us.

For the rest of the day I was playing Nurse to both Alex and Richard. It felt absolutely perfect to be taking care of both of these men. When you love someone as much as I love Richard and my children, taking care of them is so easy and wonderful!!!! It's been a long time since I've gotten to take care of Alex. He is a big adult now...but when he's sick I think he was glad his Mommy was there. He was very sweet!!!

However, my plate became a little too full when Jamaica, our old, little dog (who is in doggie diapers because of constant peeing problems but is otherwise the picture of health) walked in from outside with poop everywhere!!!! I did start to cry a little at this point...feeling very sorry for myself...but I slapped myself around, took a deep breath and bathed and dried our little dog. Phew!!! Life can be amazing sometimes. And Phew!!! We can handle a lot when we put our mines to it!!! And YEAH...this evening he is smelling like lavender and vanilla. That's very nice.

I've been so down in my last few entries that I wanted to share a few thoughts that I have had. Richard and I are experiencing something that is so unique. Yes, it is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced but at the same time I have learned so much and have been blessed in so many ways. Richard has chosen to keep fighting. That in itself is impressive. And I have the privilege of standing beside him in this fight. We treasure every moment. We touch, we hold hands...I'm never very far away in case he needs help standing or sitting or if he needs anything. I love helping him. I walk beside him as he moves through the house, making sure he's safe but also just loving the warmth I feel coming from his body. I watch him sleep. I watch him smile. I celebrate having him here with me and just our time together. This is blessed time. Even though he is sleeping more and more I treasure just being with him.

Tonight, after he went to bed, I stood outside with Mali, listening to the roar of our very full creek. It was beautiful out....I saw the moon for the first time in many days and I could sense the weather changing. As I stood there I felt this wonderful warmth melt all over me and I almost felt like I was glowing. It was an awesome moment...at first sort of scary/lonely but soon my heart and soul became very peaceful and I could take deep, nourishing breaths. It lasted for just a few moments...but it was very real. I don't know exactly what happened out there but I have my suspicions.

There are times with Richard when he feels very far away from me. He goes to a place that is totally separate from me. These moments use to terrify me. I would look at him and call his name and move in very close. I would touch him and ask him what he was thinking and usually he says either he doesn't know or that he was thinking absolutely nothing. Then I would jibber, jabber away....kiss him, hold his hand. He would be back with me and I would feel relief.

Well, I have learned and come to believe these moments are sacred time for Richard. I believe that it is at these moments that Richard (not consciously but on some plane) is surrounded by beautiful, loving angels. I think they are helping him, preparing him for the huge transition from this world to the afterlife. I've come to believe that these times are imperative and that this instruction from these holy beings is helping Richard gain wisdom, strength and courage for what lay ahead. I don't fear those times anymore and never try to bring him back to me. He must have this support now in order to maintain the immense peace that he has demonstrated throughout this whole experience.

Is it possible that tonight, as I let myself be quiet and still for just a moment, my own loving angels came and surrounded me and on some level gave me instruction, wisdom and courage to move through this experience also with peace? What a wonderful thought. I really don't know how to do this time now and I can't find clear instructions anywhere. But tonight I'm thinking that maybe I do it by allowing myself to just stop, be quiet and still and breathe. Maybe, just maybe, each of us will have our own holy beings that will be beside us, showing us the way........

Tonight I have found a little peace. It probably won't last for long and in my hyper-active way I may forget and I may feel frightened and horribly lost again. But tonight I have faith that remembering will come quickly. I will learn to just stop and be still and breathe and the way will become clear.

Love to all of you. Please continue to keep my beloved husband in your thoughts and prayers. He is still glowing and peaceful...I am so thankful for that.

Blessings,

Sherri

Hello Friends!

2009-01-04T20:47:00.000-08:00

I find myself putting off posting because I don't know exactly what to say. It's been a very tough few weeks....I am sososo tired and I am so heartbroken. I want to be positive and upbeat...but I just can't be. I'm sorry that I have to come here with such a heavy heart...but I know that many of you want an update. I haven't found a chunk of time where I am breathing freely; where I can share hope and a positive spirit. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought that we would be at this place so soon...but I guess that this is an important part of the journey. When we started this experience I promised Richard that I would be faithful to this blog....I don't think I ever imagined that the time would come when it would become so difficult to share, with honesty, what this part of a very challenging road.

Richard had his first session of chemotherapy on Monday, December 29th. The infusion itself went smoothly. We reaffirmed with our doctor our desire to fight this monster called glioblastoma. Richard clearly stated that each additional day with his family and friends is worth this chemo regime. I agree totally with him. I am positive we are doing the right thing.

Richard continues to seem very weak physically. I don't know if it is the new chemo or if it is the tumor profression. I feel so powerless and frustrated at times. I can't make any of this better and my heart aches for him. He is in bed most of the day...He gets up for a while but tires quickly and needs to return to the comfort of laying down. He is shuffling badly and is having to have help getting up and down from a laying or sitting position. The doctor suggested that we get a walker for him (that was a hard day for all of us) and usually I am either walking with him or he is using his walker to move from one place to another. His speech is much quieter and is slurred...usually worse when he is tired. I think he is often confused...and when he is very tired he seems to slip into his own world. He often seems so far away.

He and I are handling the physical part without any problem. But for me the most difficult time is when I can't seem to reach him and when I realize that our partnership is changing rapidly. I get so frightened...almost panicky....eventhough I feel as though I have been prepared for this period in this journey....I never anticipated how badly it would hurt. I never knew I had so many tears to shed. I never knew how frantic I could feel...so powerless to change what is happening. And....sadly....I feel so alone. Eventhough we have so much support...no one can possibly understand my anguish unless they have traveled a road where they have lost a loved one.

Richard seems at peace with all that is happening. He has gotten to the point of total acceptance...his only distress that is expressed is when he sees me or his children struggling with our sadness. I always assure him that sadness is OK and that we are OK...and most importantly.....we will be OK. Struggling and sadness is a huge part of this journey and its important to let it happen. We are all learning to grieve and it is an essential lesson. Once we talk for a while he calms down and relaxes again. He continues to tell us, over and over again, that he is not frightened...and that he is giving the chemo space to work and yet accepting the seriousness of where his disease is at. He continues to be our hero in so many ways. His courage is absolutely amazing and gives us all such pride. His example gives us all such strength.

I want you all to know that eventhough it is easy to look into the future, to worry and fret....We are all still focusing on living each moment to the fullest and remembering the preciousness of this time together. Our home is so full of love...everyone talks about how "homey and warm" it feels....we hug everyone, all of us sit close together and touch...hold hands, listen intently and look into each others eyes, take time to let our breaths come together in a strong rhythym. We laugh and we cry...but in an amazing way...it feels so real....and we all know that something special is happening here....our job has become one of witnessing.....and often standing in awe.

I have come to learn and believe that at those times when Richard feels so far away from me I am watching a "holy time" for him. I've read that it is at these times that people who are seriously ill are surrounded by spiritual guides or angels who are assisting them in their preparation to transition from this world to another. These guides are there to assure and comfort and to give understanding to something that is so difficult to grasp in our earthly world. This explanation has helped me to let this time between us just "be" and eventhough it is so hard....I fight trying to bring him back to a place of relating to me. It is horribly sad for me...but at the same time I find myself sitting in awe...wishing I could join him but knowing that this part of the journey is only for him...a very private time of comfort and faith.

One more thing....At night I find myself laying very close to Richard....spooning....with either my arm around him or with his arm around me, especially when we first go to sleep. I take time to feel the way our bodies fit perfectly together and I always hold his beautiful hand. I feel his breath and his warmth and I see us surrounded in a glowing light. My heart is full at these times and I often have tears in my eyes. I lay there for a long time...silently and perfectly still...soaking in these intense moments. I truly feel so horribly sad and frightened when my heart knows in such a deep way that laying with my beautiful husband will not go on forever. I'm already aching with the anticipation of not being held by him, It is such a deep loss..I didn't know I could "feel" so intently.

There's so many other things I should mention.....but for now this is enough. I must go and try to sleep. Thank you for all the wonderful support. We hold you all very close.

Blessinngs,

Sherri

It's Melting

2008-12-27T17:30:00.000-08:00

The snow is melting....you can hear the drip, drip, drip of water as things begin to thaw. This is the part that I dislike....it seems like such a hard process to get rid of all the snow. I guess I'm always a little sad to see it go.

Richard is having a difficult day today. He is very weak and sleepy. He's been in and out of bed for most of the day....and he keeps asking me what I think is wrong with him. I think that it is the new tumor growth and swelling that is making him more tired. Sleepiness is one of the most prevalent symptoms among many. He also seems confused and agitated a little (which could be the increase in steroids). I guess this is how it is going to be for now. Acceptance is my mantra right now. I'm still numb....having a hard time believing that we are at this point.

Our insurance company did O.K. the new chemotherapy which is such a blessing. We go down for his first infusion on Monday and I can't wait to see Dr. Congdon so that he can assure me that this is what is expected. I hate feeling so alone in this...having to make decisions, assuring Richard and the kids and his Mom......trying to appear strong and unphased by all the new symptoms....when actually my stomach is shaking and I feel almost sick. The doctor has told me that there is an increased risk for seizure. I've told the kids and his Mom and it's like we are all just sitting and waiting.

As Richard's partner I have to accept where he is at. I have to go to where he is instead of trying, desperately, to drag him up to where I am. I have to accept the changes in him and stop expecting him to help me make decisions, deal with household stuff, help me take care of my own illnesses. His ability to empathize with me is very limited and that scares me alot. He's been my partner in my own disease care. I'm on my own now and I really feel afraid sometimes. This is just the beginning....I have so much work to do in order to accept what is happening.

Blessed things continue to happen. Richard, Emily, Dana and I had about three hours alone last night where we just talked. It was a miracle what happened. So much love and respect were shared. Misunderstandings that are part of all families were cleaned up, all the questions that the kids had were answered and Richard talked about his death and his sadness to leave us but his belief and faith that the transition will be awesome and that he is not afraid. We cried, we laughed, we told stories, the children asked questions. It was an amazing time.

Today Dana said that last night almost felt unreal....maybe like we went to a very different place for a few hours and learned a tremendous amount. I asked Richard alot of questions during this talk...especially about things that I knew had been confusing for the children...regarding the divorce between he and their Mother, when he began dating me, what it was like for them to initially meet me, how they are feeling now about all of this. He found out how deeply his children love and respect him...what an awesome thing for a Father to hear. He found out that his children held no resentments regarding his decision to leave their Mother. He heard that over their adult lives both of them have thought about taking on the Estes name....prompted by no one....just realizing that they wanted both their parents represented. We talked about things that we all wanted to happen. Emily wants us all to sleep in the same bed. Richard talked about what he wanted before he died. I talked about my fear of doing life without him. It was a beautiful evening for us all.

I will post our Christmas pictures later. Right now I don't think I can look at them. We did have a joyous Christmas and we had lots of fun. It was perfect....absolutely perfect...accept that Alex and my Mom (who got a cold) weren't with us. But today even that seems unreal and hard to hang onto. I just need to sit where I am......and be by Richard. Right now that seems like the most important thing I can do.

We love you all. Please keep Richard in your prayers and thoughts.

Love Sherri

Oncologist's report

2008-12-22T18:11:00.000-08:00

We had beautiful drive back from Everett this afternoon. The way the snow hangs on the trees is just so beautiful! It was a nice ending to a difficult day. My Oncologist, Dr. Congdon after reading the MRI report, and going over the MRI scan with us, admitted that with all the new spread of the cancer, our course of chemotherapy does not seem to be working and that he feels it is time to weigh quality of life against quantity. There is another chemo agent that has a low (5%) success rate, that I will try if my insurance will cover it. It has a low incidence of side effects, so should not have too much effect on my quality of life. Even with the side effects I have had, I feel my quality of life has been good. Mostly due to my wonderful family and friends who continue to encourage and support me in this strange journey. I feel that stopping chemotherapy would be like just giving up on fighting this. I am definitely not at that point. Every extra day that I have left in this life, hearing the "I Love you's", and seeing your smiling faces is worth fighting for!

" All this joy, all this sorrow, all this promise, all this pain. Such is life, such is being, such is spirit, such is love."

From John Denver's song, "This Joy"

With love to ALL!, Richard

A Snowy Day!

2008-12-21T12:00:00.000-08:00

O.K. This picture is a perfect example of what living with brain cancer can do to someone...all you caregivers out there will totally get this....all of you that have spent any time with me lately will also totally get this..... I put these boots on Friday afternoon and went shopping all over with Emily....then she and I picked up Richard and went out for a nice dinner....then we came home and just spent the evening together. I noticed that my toes were hurting a little and couldn't figure it out....until I looked down at the end of the evening and noticed that I had gone around all day with my silly boots on the wrong feet!!!! That is crazy!!!! Emily, Richard and I laughed until we cried......

It is still snowing in Bellingham and it is very cold. It is beautiful but I feel so sorry for all those folks who have to get around in this stuff. Richard and I have the priviledge of just watching the beauty and being in the quiet. We have plenty of food and our various activities and we are perfectly happy. Emily has been an amazing Snow Driver and she's been needing to be very close to her Dad. We are so blessed to have her with us. She makes us laugh, keeps us very busy and helps out in any way that she can.

After our appointment in Seattle last week, we met Richard's Dad and his wife, Angie, at his sister's in Everett. They brought us home and spent a short couple of days with us. It was wonderful to have them. I love both of them so much. My Father died many years ago. I feel blessed to have such a wonderful Father-in-law. And.....he and Richard are so close. It is beautiful, as I have said many times, to watch their tendernesss for one another.

Leo makes fabulous peanut brittle. He shared with us his recipe and we all made a batch together. Richard and I love peanut brittle. He makes it in the microwave and it only takes a few minutes...it's messy but boy it is delicious!!!! Richard has to hide it from me because I can't stop eating it. I literally hear it "calling my name".

Friday, while Emily and I were shopping, we both were feeling so awful....absolutely not in the Christmas spirit. We found ourselves wandering the stores, crying and boo-hooing together. Then we boo-hooed through dinner and then at home that night. Even Richard did his share of crying. It felt good to be honest about how we were feeling. We allowed ourselves release the pain and sadness that seems to build up so easily.

We hardly ever let this happen. Really...most of our days are spent in a very positive way. But I don't look at this "group cry" as a horrible thing to do at this point. I think this is just part of the journey. It is vital to be honest about how we are feeling and to allow our children the time to grieve with us. Being sad is another important skill that parents teach their children. It is just as important as courage, love, responsibility.

There are other things that are happening within our family that also have made us feel sad. Emily has just moved into her own apartment and has decided to change her relationship with Jason. It has been such a painful transition for her and for him. We love Jason. Richard and I feel sad and miss him horribly. He is a special man. Richard and I also really miss Alex and Dana. Alex is still working on Orcas but he won't be with us this Holiday time at all.....today is his birthday.....He will be working through Christmas. Dana has been in Mexico for the last week and we have really felt his absence. They'll both be with us soon but we really missed them on Friday night.

It is a hard time for us right now. We are in libo until we see Dr. Congdon tomorrow. What I know is that we still can't believe this is happening. Friday night we met at the end of our bed and just held each other. We had just gotten done brushing out teeth, etc.....our usual bedtime routine....and we just stood there, hanging onto one another. I said, "I still just can't believe that there may be a time when we are not doing this routine together every evening". Richard said he was struggling with that disbelief also. After a year and a few months....and so much in between....you think it would have sunk in. But it still seems so unreal.

However....it has been a year and some months of wonderful blessings and wonderful times. Richard and I have been together almost every day during this time....and we are continuing to make memories. I've gotten to know him so much better...his wisdom, his grace, his compassion, his love, his goodness. I have fallen so much more deeper in love with him. Any time that we spend with our children, our family, our friends is truly surrounded by a golden light. We are full of such joy just to be with all our loved ones. I believe we have learned what it means to be grateful for every minute. That is a wonderful gift.

We love you all so much. I will write as soon as I can after our doctor's appointment tomorrow. We are sending you love and blessings.

Love Sherri

The MRI

2008-12-17T10:57:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a few moments away from Richard, his Dad and his Dad's wife in order to fill you all in on what we found out yesterday at the Doctor. I'm very sorry to report that the news is not good. The MRI showed two areas where cancer cells of infiltrated Richard's brain. In addition, there were two tumors that we could clearly see but that at this point seem to be inoperable. Richard, Pam and I were immediately in shock. We had all been working so hard on being positve and believing in our collective power of prayer.....but this type of cancer appears to be very cunning and persistent in its attack.

The Neurologist will call our oncologist and discuss these findings. We are scheduled to see our oncologist on Monday morning at 9:00. We are anxious for that appointment. The Neurologist indicated that there were other chemo. combinations that could be used and that he felt confident that one would be available to us. So we WAIT until Monday.

I will write more later.....but now I am needed to help plan our day. Please hug one another and know that we love you deeply.

Love Sherri

This is very to the point.....but I'm trying to stay in that mode for a while......protection I believe?

Another sleepless night!!!!

2008-12-15T02:59:00.000-08:00

Again....I woke up and tossed and turned for a while and then gave up....and got out of bed. I walked around our little house. I've been doing this alot recently. Waking up and just looking at the treasures that we've collected and gathered. I spend alot of time gazing, with wonder, at Richard's rock and marble collections. What a perfect thing for Rick to collect....beautiful rocks in various forms and magical marbles; that when caught in the light shine and sparkle. I love to touch his books...you can glean Richard's spiritual core by looking at his many books. I believe you can truly know us by looking, carefully, at our home.

I am anticipating the MRI on Tuesday with dread....not that I believe the results will be negative....not at all. I have just come to dread the process of traveling to Seattle...waiting, waiting, waiting....then a stranger coming and taking Richard away from me as they shoot him full of dye and scan his beautiful head. I wait for him patiently (usually) trying to imagine what it must be like for him. Then we wait and wait and wait for the afternoon doctor's appointment. Richard's beautiful sister is with us...and we talk, laugh, eat hospital food, drink far too much Starbucks coffee and wait and wait some more. It is always an exhausting day for us...no matter what the results of the MRI are.

I have seen Richard grow more and more exhausted. At times he seems to enter a place that I can't be a part of. I imagine, in my own mind, that this is where he goes to learn how to cope with this amazing thing that is happening in his life. I honor his time of quiet and reflection. It seems a vital part of this journey he is on. But I also know that I can't join him there. It's almost as if this is a spiritual time where he gathers information that allows him to move forward in his daily world. I have to trust that at this time he is surrounded by spiritual beings that have already taken him into his arms and are slowly preparing him for what lies ahead.

He isn't moving away from me...we are as close as ever...but we are tired very tired...and our weariness is the kind that others cannot understand. Sometimes we fight it...with mighty force but it is usually much bigger than us...and it is often easier to give in. There are times when we have to talk about difficult things. It's come to the point where we are still fighting this cancer; but yet we have to talk about things...all the things that must be addressed and understood between us so that any rest that is to be had can happen in peace. It's so hard, so painful....so difficult....but we push through all that, knowing that it is vital to our continuing in a redsponsible way.

These sleepless nights are filled with unease and fear. I listen to his rthymic breath, I feel him totally relaxed and I rejoice for that time for him. I often reach out for him...just to touch softly, just to feel his warmth. I look at his little dented head and I am reminded of the miracle of him doing so well. But then I usually grow restless where the possibility of laying there is seems futile and I have to get up and hold the touchstones of the world we have created.

My heart is breaking, I believe, slowly. But it is happening in a way that is subtle and that leaves me with enough strength to hold my children, parent them and guide them that even at their ages is needed so much, I can still find my words of comfort for my Mother and Ricard's Mom. I can love them without holding back....touching them, hugging them and saying my "I love yous" with honesty and committment. I can still take care of business...the bills, the insurance, the phone calls, the many appointments and the rides. Thank God this process is kind at times....surrounding me with an assurance and clarity that is vital but I sometimes feel is just a facade.

Well, my nightly vigil must continue. I just wanted to check in and ask that everyone pray for my precious Richard as he faces the next treatment step in this journey. Take time to imagine Richard surrounded by light, a healing light. We have grown to understand the difference betwen healing and curing....we want to learn and understand all the information we are given, we want to make solid decisions and treatment choices and we want to remain peaceful and strong as we move through this process. Pray for a beautiful brain with no spots, hazes or suspicious areas. Imagine us remaining strong no matter what the outcome.

Thank you, my friends, for your continued support. We love you all deeply.

Blessings,

Sherri

Chemo. tomorrow!!!

2008-12-07T19:48:00.000-08:00

We just got home from a wonderful dinner out for Dana's birthday. There were seven of us in all and we had alot of fun. Dana turned 26....his girlfriend, Amy, Emily and Chris (a friend of Dana's) were with us, along with Lisa (Emily and Dana's Mom). I love listening to the twenty-somethings as they talk and laugh. They really are sweet. The three "aged ones" look on in fascination.....we are so blessed to have these young folks in our lives, looking so beautiful and happy and being willing to spend an evening with all their folks. It was a great night.

We are headed to Everett tomorrow for Richard's chemotherapy. We're both dreading it (I am at least....and I can feel that Richard is too). We just never know how it's going to go. The effects of the chemo seem to be different every time. I guess I feel like we're always ready for surprises and new symptoms..... Living on Edge! I guess that would be a good title for a book about coping with chemo. How depressing!

I woke up last night and couldn't get back to sleep. What I've noticed is that when I wake up now I don't have a moment anymore where I forget that cancer is living with us. I wake up knowing that it is part of our lives....almost like a constant drone in the background....no matter what we do to try to mask our awareness of it. Cancer will not be ignored....and as you live with it longer and longer it seems to never let up. It just gets comfy in your world and seems to settle in and sort of ooze everywhere throughout our lives.

I've learned to accept its presence....but I refuse to become O.K. with it totally taking over and becoming the main star in our lives. Our lives are about so much more than just cancer. Richard is so much more than a man with brain cancer. I will not let cancer define who we are and I will always fight the way it tries to make us forget our colors, our textures, our words, our joy. It's so easy to become complacent....and learn to sit companionably with cancer, letting it settle in, dulling us to what is outside...and actually dulling us emotionally until we are surrounded by nothing but gray. It sounds dramatic...but sometimes I feel like our home is covered by a shroud....a haze.....and that reaching through the haze is getting harder and harder.

I feel badly....because I think I've grown so tired and in some respects very weak. I've been whimpy....the fight has felt very hard for a few weeks and my caregiving has been less than satisfactory. I'm not putting myself down.....I know this must be part of the journey. But I badly need to refocus, rejuvinate and rededicate my spirit and energy to our fight. Richard deserves to be standing beside the best "fighting partner" that he can have. Neither one of us can afford to be in less than perfect fighting form.

I love my husband so much. I see him growing weaker, more listless, seemingly far away at times. Sometimes it's so difficult to know what the best "fighting" style should actually be. I try to listen and watch. I try to "feel" what Richard wants and needs. I never assume I know. I never take the power of this vicious beast for granted. I try to know when I should accept the changes but also know when I need to stand up and just try harder.

But I do get tired.....so tired. I can only imagine how tired Richard gets. Our lives have changed so much. It's easy to forget to laugh and to talk. It's easy to take things for granted. It's easy to push....without even really knowing what you are pushing against. It's as these times that I have to stop and breathe and take time to remember the sparkle and joy that comes when two people love one another. It's at these times that I need to just hold Richard's hand and kiss his lips and hold him and let our hearts touch.

I know we are strong and we are mighty. I also know that we are wise. Don't worry....the fight will continue after I get a better night of sleep.

To our angels, our families, our friends.....we feel your continued thoughts and prayers. We are both really focused on Dec. 16th and our appointment with Dr. Foltz and the MRI. We continue to imagine a brain......a beautiful brain that is clear of all tumors and all suspicious areas. We are thinking about Dr. Foltz coming in and telling us that things are good....I'm feeling my heart swell and my eyes moisten with relief and joy. Please join us in thinking the same.

Blessings,

Sherri

December.....Oh My!!!!!

2008-12-01T11:38:00.000-08:00

I can feel the hustle/bustle in the air.....the hurry, hurry,, hurry pace that comes with the Holiday Season. And, as usual, I am fighting it with all my might. I am trying not to make any To Do lists, no HUGE meal plans, to shoulda, woulda, couldas. I am trying to hang on and just "be" with Richard, our family and our friends. This year it feels important to throw out all of the usual expectations.....and to bask in the glorious parts of the season.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. No matter how I do it....it always seems to be exhausting, but we had a great time with the Kids and the Mothers around us. I planned on Richard feeling sort of "icky" during the Thanksgiving week due to his chemo on Monday and was prepared to do most of the cooking by myself with Emily and my Mom's help....but he ended up being able to help and be part of the festivities quite a bit.

I think that we all knew that Thankfulness was not something that any of us would ever take for granted again. We knew that being together as a family was something to rejoice about. I loved the whole day. I cooked many new recipes that turned out delicious. I kept thinking, "This is a way to tend to my family. This is a way to love my family. This is a way to be a Mother to my children. This is a way to love my husband."

After I tucked Richard into bed on Thanksgiving evening, Alex and I stayed up and talked and talked and talked. That was probably the biggest gift he could ever have given me. My son is such a wonderful man....and I got a sense that he is making good choices for him right now. It was awesome to be able to sit there and listen and understand and not judge......but realize that my only responsibility is to love him with all my heart. It was an evening I will always cherish.

Richard and I are very aware of the next MRI on the morning of December 16th and then the subsequent appointment with Dr. Foltz on that afternoon. We are very anxious to see where we are at in this journey. We ask all of you to join us in creating an"improved" MRI that clearly shows that the chemotherapy that Richard is taking is working. We are picturing the two areas of suspicion to be smaller and less dense and that the defined tumor is still gone. Please take time to think of my beautiful husband and to help us design a picture of health. We both believe strongly that this can occur.

I wanted to let you know that our amazing Dr. Foltz has gotten a lot of "press" lately. I am including a site which has an article that was featured in the Seattle Times. I know you'll be able to understand just how special he is to us after you read this article. He, truly, is working miracles in the area of glioblastoma brain tumors.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2008431867_braincancer25m.html

I wanted to download pictures of our Thanksgiving....but my camera and computer are not getting along very well. I will have them for you for the next post. Until then....love one another and remember that you are always close in our hearts. Rest and find peace during these busy times.

Blessings,

Sherri

A Rainy Fall Day!

2008-11-20T12:17:00.000-08:00

The perfect day for an entry!!!! Alleluia! Yesterday I saw the twinkle in my husband's beautiful eyes. It was a glorious day!!!

It's been a very long few days since his last chemo.....and of course I've been so worried. When you're in the middle of it (the days, usually about 9, after chemo.) it is so easy to forget that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...that there will be good days before we start all over again. But the amazing thing is....when he starts to twinkle again...we immediately forget the days of nausea, extreme fatigue and fogginess.... We begin to celebrate again...the beauty, the magic of our lives.

Richard and I have entered a cyclic pattern. I know it, I see it, I feel it I don't want to call it a rhythm because rhythms seem unable to be interrupted. I don't want this pattern to be a permanent part of my beloveds life. I am still very resistant to the power that this chemo therapy regime seems to have over everything we do. I don't know if its good or bad....but I am still battling with the suffering that I see Richard facing during those rough days. I refuse to become complacent with its becoming any part of our lives.

During the suffering...it's so hard to describe how Richard responds. I guess he "settles in to" the reality and tries to just "be" there. I see his response as incredibly courageous. He continues to show his amazing grace and strength. He seems to go to a place where I am not part of....very far away...maybe it is the "Land of Coping"... He seems comfortable there, almost as if he is willing to stay and rest and not be with me anymore. I know, in my head, that this isn't true...but I have an inkling that this is a Land where a special invitation is required.

I guess that that is my fighting spirit and yes, my fear. "Don't you dare make that place of coping more comfortable than the place I can provide!". "My place is much more loving (I hope) and full of the magic of marriage, family and friends". "My place is the place we have created together". "It's a good place". Why would he want to be anywhere else????? Why can't I provide him the place to rest? Why does he have to become part of this other world? Why can't I join him there? Why does he have to suffer at all?

I know why.... My love for my husband and my desire to fight this beast called brain cancer is way too much emotion and power during the times of physical struggling that comes with this journey. I am humbled....but....the fight is better set aside when the suffering is present...and it is a time when I have to "give care" and love and have that be all. It is a time when I have to stop trying so hard....and the worst....it is a time when I have to become quiet and stop talking. "Care Giving" does not mean fixing the problem.....it means sitting with the problem and trying to make it as comfortable as possible. It's the hardest, scariest thing I've ever done....but for absolute sure....I would not want to be doing anything else.

And I guess, that this is the blessing. I am learning to be quiet and just sit. To open my heart, to breathe, to pray.....most important....to watch and listen. And I am learning to stop trying to fix Richard. I am learning the lesson of just sitting beside someone as the struggle with core issues, beliefs and feelings continues on. And the most important.....I am learning to let it all be OK!!!! Oh my gosh...it is painful and hard...but it is a blessing.

Today it seems like a little of the suffering has waned and I see a twinkle, again, in his eyes. He's wearing my favorite hat...an African hat that I bought him last winter. He's organizing bills ( a sure sign that he is feeling better) and has his to-do list all lined up. My heart is open and feeling much more light and at ease. I guess this is the ebb and flow of this amazing journey we are on.

I don't think I've been appreciative enough regarding the continued thoughts, prayers, cards, meals and visits that keep coming our way. We love visits. With Richard not driving I believe that sometimes he feels really home bound.....even on his not so great days....visits are good for him. You are all our earthly angels. I include you in my thoughts and prayers too!!!! I'm trying to make quiet time a part of my day (self-care) and during those attempts (sitting, doing nothing is almost impossible for me), imagining all of your faces seems to help settle my mind. Thank you....for being such a huge part of my life.

Blessings to you all!

Sherri

Autumn

2008-11-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

Walking, walking, walking. It is something I do for myself and our dogs. I do it often...maybe just to clear my mind....but mostly to clear my spirit. One day this week as I walked in the park across the street, the dogs running off leash, scampering everwhere, doing their doggie thing, I had a blessed moment. I looked up and I saw a beautiful maple tree....shining with a bright yellow glory. It's leaves were spread out perfectly so that they canopied over my head and I could see each individual one. This bright golden yellow lace was set in front of a huge everygreen tree. The contrast between colors caused me to pause and look up at the magnificence of the pallette that surrounded me.

I became breathless....and then the most amazing thing happened....I felt tears come to my eyes. I was so moved. For many moments I stopped and let the tears flow. I felt like I was being bathed in the wonder of nature. I could still experience the gentleness of it's finest stroke against the bolder stroke of the evergreens. I could still smell the beauty of the cool air as everything prepares for winter's coming. I could still feel my heart beat as I was surrounded by the wisdom of the changing seasons. I could still experience my own inner rythym that automatically matches that of nature. And I could feel my spirit soar as it danced with all the beauty.

Having illness always around me...all the time...sometimes I feel like being hopeful and tending to my family is all I can do right now. It's hard to find my own colorful pallette, my own warmth and whimsy. But, I learned during my walk, that all I need to do is pause and look. I can easily find the glory again.

A toothy kind of day!!!

2008-10-29T19:31:00.000-07:00

Hello my beautiful friends!!!!

You would think that someone who has had three craniotomies and two chemotherapy regimes in the past year would be safe from anything else bad that lurks in the world....but my poor Richard has a horrible tooth ache and I just can't believe it!!!! Dentists aren't real excited about working on people who are on chemotherapy....because of how susceptible they are to infection....but...... On Monday when we were down in Everett for Richard's chemotherapy he spoke to his doctor (yes, Dr. Congdon-no not Condom) about his suspicion that he had a bad tooth. Dr. Congdon gave him the go ahead to see a dentist since his blood work looks so good (his white blood cell count is normal!!!!). I immediately called our dentist and she saw us today (fnally...since the pain seemed to be getting worse daily). After x-rays and an exam we've decided to pull one tooth (since it already has had a root canal and a crown) and fill a big cavity on an adjacent tooth. YUK!!!! So tomorrow we are seeing an oral surgeon and after the tooth is pulled and somewhat healed then our dentist will take care of the cavity.

It's such an amazingly normal thing to happen to someone our age (don't you hate that!!!) but I really think that people who are dealing with cancer, especially brain cancer, should be exempt from needing dental work at all. I mean a tooth ache happens in his head....close to his blessed brain....and I ask you how much more can one little head handle?

What I must tell you is how sweet Richard was with all the staff at the dentist office. He just shines...glows....and you can tell that people see his specialness immediately. Whenever he meets someone he gently takes their hand and just holds it and then really looks at them. I stand back and just watch. People, who are usually so busy and hustling around, just stop and look at him....it seems like a pause in time. I am awed by his spirit and of how he envelops people in his warmth. He is such a blessing to so many.....even so many who he hasn't met yet.

Sometimes I wonder how such a beautiful man came into my life. I have to admit....initially I didn't see the glow...but I had a yearning to keep seeing him....that was clear to me....very clear. As time has gone on I have slowly learned of his many gifts. When we decided to live togather I knew that there were many differences between us...but I sensed and had experienced that with him beside me I could truly discover "my best self". It was a clear expectation that we both were done making relationship mistakes.....we were sure of that. I knew that Richard truly loved me and that I truly loved him.

Cancer has deepened my awareness of the miracle that "he and I" are. Cancer has given me the moments to stop and just watch. It has taught me to be quiet...to listen...and to observe. These have been struggles for me before...now they are my blessings. Richard is truly my teacher. Watching him elegantly travel through the maze of serious illness has been an awesome experience. I watch people pause....in his genuine warmth. It's really beautiful....really, really beautiful.

I rubbed his head today as we waited for the dentist to come in. He closed his eyes and leaned into my arm and just let me touch him. I never knew that that would be enough....that that few moments could speak volumes in my heart....and that that would be love. I am so blessed.

Blessings to all of you,

Sherri

A HUGE sigh of relief!!!!

2008-10-15T20:25:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here with Richard and his Dad.......listening to Emily chat, chat, chat on the phone. All is well here at our house.

Yes....the last few days have been very hard in so many ways. I know that witnessing my husband going through a seizure is very traumatic. I lost alot of sleep for the next few days and it seemed like everytime I closed my eyes I would see Richard's eyes.....his stare and lack of focus during the seizure and his intense fear when he started coming around. I cried, cried, cried and then cried some more...I think my world was so shook, finally, everything that I have been stuffing and keeping in check for the past year (most of the time) came pouring out.
Also I was so afraid regarding what caused the seizure. It was a frightening few days....I lost my way for a while...set my strength aside for a while...and I guess, looking back, it was good for me to be whimpy for just a few days.

Two friends....Betsey and Christy....told me not to lose HOPE!!!! When they said that it hit me hard.......I had lost my hope....and I really needed to sit back, pray, open my heart and ask the Universe to help me. It's so true....when I lost hope and my focus...it became so difficult to "live" with cancer. That's horrible...but so easy to fall into.......so much during the past year has been hard....so much has made me feel powerless....so much had been taken away.... I lost the warmth in my heart, all the lessons I have learned, all the blessings that have come our way.

Sunday night we stayed in The Inn at Swedish Hospital because Richard had such an early MRI appointment on Monday morning. Dana, Richard and I went out to dinner and then Richard and I spent some quiet time in our room just relaxing and thinking and "being" together. I shifted, took very deep breaths and tried to find "my spirit" again. I also asked Richard to join me in finding our hope.

I can't tell you how wonderful it was on Monday afternoon when Dr. Foltz walked in and told us (Richard, Pam, Dana and I) that Richard's MRI looked absolutely free of tumor. I jumped up and hugged the man and let out a little squeal "how embarrassing" and then hugged Richard...held on for an extra long time....just basking in the good news. He took us out and showed us the beautiful MRI pictures.....I had no idea, really, what I was looking at....but I could tell and feel that there was nothing "icky" in there....especially with Dr. Foltz taking us on a tour of pictures of slices of Rick's precious brain. It was awesome.

The next day we walked into the Cancer Partnership building in Everett and proudly handed over copies of the MRI....so that the amazing Dr. Congdon (no silly, not Condom) could see Richard's amazing brain. He was at his other office in Woodinville that morning.....but I know when he looked at the discs....he sat back and took a deep breath and smiled from ear to ear. The chemo is working!!!! Believe me....it made yesterdays chemo session totally different than the ones before.

We will see him in person during Richard's next chemo. appointment. We will ask what lies ahead in terms of continuing the chemo and future plans. Until then, Richard continues to struggle with the chemo side effects....along with the effects from the anti-seizure medication that he was initially put on (we are currently weaning him off that and starting a new one), but we are not worrying....not waiting for the "other shoe" to drop....we are basking in the glow of a tumor free brain.

Thank you.....everyone for your prayers and kind thoughts. The food that was delivered has been wonderful.....yummy......and your words of encourgement have helped us find our strength again.

Blessings to you all!

Love Sherri

A Full Pot of Relief!

2008-10-14T21:01:00.000-07:00

Great news! Monday took us from a early morning MRI to a afternoon appointment with Dr. Foltz. He greeted us with congratulations, and showed us the last two MRI Images, Mondays, and the last one done 6 weeks ago side by side. Mondays Image showed "NOTHING!! Dr. Foltz marched into the room and whizzed through the newest image saying "There is nothing there! No sign of tumor" He explained that the seizure was related to the past trauma, radiation, and chemo that my brain has endured over the past year. We celebrated tonight with a pot of Remedy Relief tea and My Dad's Carrot cake. I an restricted by law because of the seizure from driving for 6 months! And will be taking Keppra, a anti-seizure med indefinitely.

I do want to thank everyone for the support given during this last horrible and scary episode in this journey. Our refrigerator and freezer has swollen with wonderful food which helps sooo much with all the company here.

My Love to ALL!

Richard

What can I say?

2008-10-09T23:44:00.000-07:00

I had such great plans for this post......Wednesday night Richard and I had just gotten back from a beautiful two day retreat at the Whidbey Island Institute for cancer patients and their caregivers. We felt so strong and so loved. We felt rested and were so excited to get home. Richard took some beautiful pictures while we were there and I couldn't wait to share them with all of you. It truly was two heavenly days of total renewal.

But......how rapidly things can change. I am so sad writing this to all of you tonight. I know how close you follow our journey. I feel you all sending prayers and positive thoughts. I feel all your wonderful support. I have watched you all hold us....embrace us with love and caring....and tonight.....I am overwhelmed and so sorry that I have to write this post. Please....after reading this....take a moment to breathe and get centered again in your world. This is hard and I want you all to be O.K. Then please hold my beautiful husband closely in your heart.

We arrived home last night at around 7:30 p.m. Emily, who is living with us now until the middle of November, met us at the door with such a huge smile and warm hugs. The three of us were so happy....just being home. After a quick dinner and a facial (I know...where does this fit it? It just seems important because Emily and I love doing them together) Emily, Richard and I had settled down to read e-mail......the fire was going, the dogs were asleep and we were just quiet....peaceful.....

At around 9:30 p.m. Richard didn't answer me when I was sharing something that I had read in my e-mail. I called his name....and looked over.....and........................I'm sitting here not even knowing what to say..........................I am at a loss for words........................deep breath..... Richard was having a terrible seizure!!!!! Every time I close my eyes...I relive the next 30 minutes in detail....and it is a total horror story. I am too tired and the details too painful and gruesome to describe what happened...but 911 was called, they arrived, and we arrived at St. Joseph's ER breathless and scared beyond words.....all of us.....Emily, Richard and I.

The story continues over the next seven hours. Right now, I want you to have the most important facts. Maybe more details will come later but I don't think this is going to be my best piece of writing. Please bear with me.

Seizures are part of brain cancer. I have been so grateful that, up until last night, we had not had to experience one. Through my own reading, more reading and even more reading....I knew that the possibility of this complication lurked out there. I was totally prepared to deal with it....and frankly I think I did O.K. My only regret is that I had not told our children of the high incidence of seizures with brain cancer. Emily was totally unprepared for this. You can only imagine how frightening it was for her to witness such a terrifying event....to have it be happening to her Father....and to have to play such an important role in the next 24 hours. She was amazing!!!! I am sosososo proud of her.

One of the common complications of the chemotherapy regime that Richard is currently on can be an increased chance of internal bleeding....usually in the brain or in the stomach. That was our biggest fear. The second fear was that new tumor growth and swelling of the brain could also cause a seizure. And the third fear.....was that we may not ever know what caused the event other than the trauma of the last year on his poor brain.

Quite soon I felt like I needed support in making some very crucial decisions that I knew were coming in the next few hours.My first call was to our dear friend Betsey (actually I called her as we headed to the hospital)...who has walked beside us through this journey, seeming to be beside me taking every step I have taken. She miraculously arrived at the hospital and took her post in the waiting room....helping me initially with calming Emily and then supporting me by making necessary calls as I was back with Richard and the doctors. I mainly felt like I needed Richard's sister and brother-in-law with me to help hear the doctors and to assist me in the process of getting Richard the best care possible. Betsey got hold of them and they immediately got in the car and drove from Everett in record time. After a while I encouraged Betsey to go home....I knew one of the front line needed sleep. Emily called her brother. I suggested that he stay in Seattle...because initially I didn't know if we were going to end up there right away or not.

I also made the decision not to call anymore family or friends until morning. I felt strongly that I would badly need a group of people to be clear minded later........ None of these decisions, at this point, are ever easy. I immediately start worrying about hurting people's feelings, insulting family members, etc. But during this past year I've gotten really good at quickly slapping myself around until I get out of that head space. All I could think of was immediate decisions....and clarity for what may come later.

It was quickly determined, after a CT scan, that Richard did not have a brain bleed. We were so thankful. But unfortunately other than that nothing conclusive was shown. The ER doctor did call our neurologist in Seattle and conversed with him about what needed to happen next. It was decided that immediately we needed to make sure that Richard didn't have another seizure. He was given a loading dose of dilantin (1000 mg. infusion) with a plan to start a daily dose given orally (300 mg) until we are able to meet with our Neurologist. Being given this amount of anti-seizure medication significantly reduces Richard's risk of having another occurrence in the near future.

The additional plan was for us to contact Richard's Oncologist and the Neuroscience folks at Swedish Hospital as soon as I could in the morning. It was decided that the most imperative thing was that we get Richard down to Seattle to have an MRI at Swedish and also have that MRI and Richard's physical health evaluated by his Neurologist, Dr. Foltz.

After the dilantin infusion and also a typical response to a gran mal seizure Richard was very shaky, woozy and extremely tired. He dozed on and off over the next seven hours, but also seemed to become a little more oriented as time went by. Thankfully he wasn't remembering any of the seizure or what happened immediately before or after (What a blessing that was for him!!!! I am praising the Universe for that!!!) but he was VERY puzzled regarding why this happened (quickly blaming the tomato soup we had for dinner!!!) and of course very afraid.

Pam and Scott left the hospital at around 3:00 a.m. and found a motel room for the night. Emily and I were able to take Richard home at around 5:30. Getting him in from the car was very interesting....but we made it. He immediately fell into a peaceful sleep. Emily was also able to sleep. Again, I said a prayer of gratitude. Of course I, Ms. Hyper-active, had a difficult time settling down. I think I slept about an hour and a half.

Today Richard has done fine. He's very tired and "wonky".....my term for walking real funny, slurring his speech and having hooded eyelids all due to the huge dose of dilantin. He is mentally intact....slowly putting time back together and remembering more details of everything as our day has moved on. He took naps but most of the time was with us...being his usual self...taking notes in his tumor timer, using his cool white out pen, and wearing his helmet again. This was a unanimous decision.....for now when he's walking the helmet is on!!!!

I've called all the doctors and so far it looks like Dana will take us to Swedish on Sunday evening where Richard and I will stay at the Swedish Inn (at the hospital). Monday morning at 7:15 we will check into the radiology department for an MRI. We will see Dr. Foltz at 1:30 that afternoon. Dana and Pam will be with us. That evening, hopefully, we will go to Everett with Pam and spend the night with her and Scott. Richard has his chemo on the next day. His Father is coming on Tuesday morning from Wenatchee to take us to Richard's chemo appointment and then he will drive us back to Bellingham that evening. He will stay with us for a couple of days.........which is wonderful!!!! Phew!!!

However....all of the above paragraph may change.....because the Oncologist's office called me back this evening to make sure that Richard was being seen immediately by the Swedish team. When I told them we couldn't get in until Monday they indicated that that was unacceptable. So........they are calling the powers that be and we may be heading to Swedish sooner than Monday. Poof!!!! Good planning shot to Hell!!!! Oh well!!!

Dana is on his way home tomorrow for the weekend. Alex has called and offered to come home......but I wanted him to wait.... His strength will be needed next week as we know more. Pam and Scott, my beautiful brother and sister, are tucked back into their lovely home in Everett after a long night and morning with us. Our parents are all safe. My sisters are waiting to help in anyway they can. Betsey has been calling the friends list, Janelle has been writing e-mails to everyone and helping with phone calls, my sister Jodee came by and made us lunch and gave her little sister big hugs and guidance, Jody McNamara delivered a wonderful Thai dinner from our favorite restaurant....and I know there are lots of other things going on in the background....other people who are helping and rallying. Please forgive me if I've forgotten anyone.

Richard went to bed around 8:00 p.m. and is sleeping peacefully. I just heard sweet Emily turn off her light so she is on her way to slumbering. And Jamaica and I are here........trying to relax and thinking about going to bed. So far sleep is not part of this girl's experience...but I trust it will come.

Well...My Word!!! You must all be exhausted!!!! This is VERY long. Sorry......but on little sleep and with high emotion running through my veins....I just couldn't be succinct. I promise that I will keep you all informed as things progress.

My gut feeling is that the Universe wants us all to experience the "full-meal-deal" of the brain cancer journey. A seizure is part of that. Now that it is over....we have done the WHOLE brain cancer thing and I'm sure the chemo is working, the enhanced, suspicious areas are shrinking, and soon Richard will join the ranks of "the long term survivors". None of us can give up Hope. Nothing can take Hope away from us. Hope continues to give us strength to continue this walk.

And Richard would want me to remind everyone....that one of the many lessons to be learned from our experience is that Love is it!!!! Loving each other, living in the awareness of love during every moment of our day....giving and receiving love....AHHHHHHH!!!! That is bliss. Please live in juicy, glowing bliss.....with us!!!!

Blessings,Sherri

I promised.....

2008-09-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

I promised everyone some pictures of our past couple of weeks..... Here they are!!! Enjoy!!!

SAILING

Emily and Jason took Richard sailing around Bellingham Bay. It was an event put on by the Bellingham Yacht Club. They really had fun!

CAMPING IN OUR LITTLE TOY HOME

These pictures are from a short camping trip that Richard, I and the dogs took to Deception Pass. We had a wonderful time. We met our new RVing buddies, Helen and John there.

SILVER LAKE

The most excitiing part of our camping trip was that Richard got to put his new canoe in the lake. He loved it and it was a blast watching everyone enjoy going around the beautiful lake. Richard was grinning from ear to ear as he rowed his two kids in the canoe. The last photo is of Alex and his girlfriend, Brianna.

Everyone enjoyed their time on the lake. Jazzy and Mali got to swim!!!! That is their favorite thing!!!

Of course the most fun was the time around the campfire....just talking. It was surprisingly cold at night.....and we needed the fire to keep us warm. We have such a wonderful family. This was such a celebration.....a celebration of just being together.

Here they are! The whole gang!!! Jason, Alex, Emily, Brianna (Alex's girlfriend), Dana and Amy (Dana's girlfriend)!!! Aren't they amazing?!? It was so awesome having the whole gang together. Guess who staged the kissing shot?

Of course......I can't let the chance for a kiss go by!!!!

We are full of joy!!!

2008-09-14T20:21:00.001-07:00

Well......I've had such a hard time writing recently. We've been so "full" of making so many decisions lately.....but we are seeing everything coming together and expect, soon, to be feeling more settled and less worried about the choices that have been made. In a way, brain cancer has put Richard in a situation where he is forced to stop and ask questions like.....What is really important to me? What do I want my life to look like? Where do I want to put my energy? What does living with health and awareness really mean? Am I making decisions which reflect my priorities, my beliefs and my true desires? These are such important questions. Ones that we all should answer periodically but choose not to because they are so hard and affect so many.

Richard turned in his resignation last Monday........ His decision was excruciatingly difficult and took patience, compassion and love to peel back all the layers that go into such a life changing event. He needed to talk.....talk to family and friends.....talk about his feelings, his thoughts, his dreams, the loss of such a wonderful job, the money, the fear of medical insurance complications, his true medical condition....what he can and can't do as a result of this horrible disease...his fears, his desires....and he needed me to be quiet....and listen (which many of you know is sosososo difficult for me!!!!!).....but on this side of the process....every day he seems more peaceful and settled with his decision. We still have many decisions to make regarding my own health insurance, how to best use what funds we have.....even how to "live" fully....but it is all falling into place.

We are approaching our year diagnosis anniversary..... For Richard and I it seems like it's been so much longer than a year....but for others it seems like very little time has gone by. Regardless, we are all approaching a year with GBM brain cancer with a new sense of who we are, a new appreciation for each other, a new idea of what is important and a strong commitment to live each day fully with love and grace. We have been touched by so many...and continue to be so grateful for all of our friends, our angels, our families,...the medical teams that we have worked with....We are grateful for so much. We live in awe of so much love and support.

I have had the privilege of standing beside an amazing man as he faces such a difficult/scary thing. I have learned so much through this journey and amazingly I have a strong faith that we are "living" a bountiful, full life..... And Richard and I have grown together and have learned to keep walking through this. We've learned a new rythym together...an ease that only comes when you face such a challenge. We've slowed way down, we're way quieter, we're so aware of appreciation, we've learned to notice the details of our life...realizing that for so long we had missed so much.

We've also grown as individuals. Living with something like this cannot help but change your thinking, your beliefs, your priorities, the lens that you see everything through. I believe that I am slowly learning who I really am. I know I am learning how to listen and be more reflective. I know that I have become a better partner....maybe that would have happened without my husband having cancer...but I'm afraid I may have continued my life with the complacency that had settled around me. Looking back, I had become pretty "safe". I had allowed myself to become comfortable....no risking, no challenges, no trying to better myself. Standing beside Richard, being a Wife, a Mother, a Daughter, a Sister, a Friend has all changed dramatically...for the better in so many ways.

Believe it or not....Richard and I laugh so much. It's amazing to me that we can drive down the road and sing at the top of our lungs TV theme songs and giggle like two little kids when we screw up the words. It's incredible that we laugh at each others"wit" and silly comments...at our stories (even ones we've heard a hundred times)! We laugh with our children, with our family, with our friends. I am thankful that humor is still with us.

The past few weeks haven't been ALL serious. We've camped alot in our little R.V. We've seen friends and family. Richard, Emily and Jason had a fabulous sailing experience with the Bellingham Yacht Club and had a blast. And this past weekend we took all three kids, their various boyfriends and girlfriends and our three dogs on a camping trip to Silver Lake. What a gift that was for us. We basked in the glow of these wonderful young adults. They were all amazing. It was a beautiful time, for everyone, but especially for Richard and I. (I will post pictures later this week!)

It's time for bed....We have chemo tomorrow and that is always a long day. Love to you all. At night when I can't sleep I've stopped counting sheep (it never worked for me!!!). Now I imagine all of your faces.....surrounded in bright light....you are smiling and are full of a knowing strength. You are all my blessings. Thank you for being there for us.

Love,

Sherri

"Dramatic decrease in edema and enhancement"

2008-09-02T20:44:00.000-07:00

MRI reports: "Dramatic decrease in edema and enhancement" and "findings consistent with substantial response to therapy." So.. great news that the chemo appears to be keeping the tumor from growing or spreading. Dr. Congdon and I both congratulated each other after he read us the report. Pam an Sherri said it was very cute and wish they could have gotten a photo of us shaking hands. In the final report "Impression", there is a area of enhancement in the "Left centrum semiovale" which the report and the Oncologist say is probably related to post therapy changes. We do trust their opinions and believe that they have seen enough post therapy changes to give an accurate determination.

We will continue with 4 more treatments over the next 2 months and continue to moniter! So, keep thinking.." "Dramatic decrease in edema and enhancement"!

Love to ALL!

Richard

On Our Way!

2008-08-28T10:58:00.001-07:00

Well.....Today is the day for the MRI!!!! We're leaving at about 1:00 since our appointment isn't until 4:00. We are going all the way down to Swedish so that the MRI is done on the same machine as the last one in order to compare results more accurately. This is always a difficult time for people in the cancer world. So much rides on these results.

As I've said before, we call this time Pre-MRI Syndrome (PMS) since stress levels for everyone seem to increase. It can be seen in a variety of behaviors...eating way a lot before you know it, having two glasses of wine instead of just one, inability to remember one's name, moving from one task to the next without finishing the first, asking your beloved every five minutes, "How are you feeling?", and having difficulty staying away from scary thoughts. It's difficult, but like everything else on this journey, we get through it.

Unfortunately we probably won't hear the results until our next chemo appointment on Tuesday, September 2. That seems like forever away!!!!! I've deliberately left many chores for the next four days in order to keep myself busy. That seems to be the best way for me to get through the stress.

Richard is just incredible with this whole thing....or maybe he's just good at not letting his worries show. He's still suffering with side effects from the chemo. so I believe that is in the forefront of his mind right now. He's very achy and has frequent chills that are almost immobilizing. The muscle and joint pain make walking very painful....and he seems the most comfortable sitting in his chair with all his books, daytimer, phone and T.V. available. He is able to handle all of this with such beautiful grace. He hasn't lost his beautiful light....it still surrounds him.....letting me know that his soul is at peace with what is happening...reminding me that his faith is unfaltering. He continues to be my teacher. I often stand in awe!!!!

We know that we are surrounded by angels.....angels on this earthly plain and angels that surround us that we cannot see. We believe that somewhere this challenge makes sense...... All of our angels help us with the "how" of living with this disease. We are touched daily by so many acts of kindness.... Our hearts are full of love and thankfulness for all that we have. Thank you for continuing to keep Richard in your thoughts and prayers.

Love, love, love,

Sherri

It's raining....it's pouring!!!!

2008-08-20T04:44:00.001-07:00

I am up early....again. Sleeping has been difficult for me.....but....duh....I have A LOT on my mind.

I woke up this morning (3:55 a.m.) having a dream-nightmare-horrible thought. I woke up seeing Richard lying in bed, looking across the room....And he said, "Oh-oh....I can't see!!!!". Oh my God...my mind began moving quickly and my heart beat raced as I started going through all the things it could be, the thing it probably was and exactly what we should do. It all worked quickly....the phone calls that needed to be made, the people who have volunteered to drive for us, our support people (OMG my sister is leaving for a trip....should I even tell her or just wait until I knew for sure what was going on?), how would I tell the kids, remember ALL my medication this time and take enough.... All this immediate planning was done in less then 60 seconds as I sat up and looked at my beautiful husband. My heart was heavy with sadness and fear....and that, now familiar, "here we go again"!

But then the AHHHHH came!!! He's not awake, he's snugly cuddled in the blankets and is breathing with a slow, steady rhythm....his eyes are closed and he is calm...thankfully sleeping away. Oh....I am also lying snuggled in our bed and Jazzy is safely tucked behind my legs, settled in our warmth. OMG!!! I was having a dream. It wasn't real. AHHHHHHH...breathe deeply and rejoice.

And then, as always, instead of going back to sleep like I wish I could, my mind went to those scary places. I began to see images....horrible, scary images....but the worst was one where I clearly saw myself standing with our three children. The four of us were all alone in a dim room. My arms were stretched around the three of them, holding these beautiful treasures, trying desperately to protect them from all this fear, sadness and darkness. All of our heads were bent together, our bodies trembling with emotion. I could see my helplessness. I could not stop their pain. We were bent over, sobbing, letting our tears gather together as only family can do. I looked up to grab a breath and I saw so clearly the four of us.....and as I looked up I saw my face bathed in light and warmth......the light continued down to the tops of my arms...down to the tips of my fingers..... as I embraced these three beautiful, young adults.

The image left me....as my unsettled mind moved to something else......but as I sit here now I am still holding that picture in my mind......seeing everything else with that image as a backdrop. No, I won't go back to sleep for a while. No, I won't take any medication to help me do so. That is because I have learned that this is all part of the journey.... The fear, the agony, the feelings of sadness and unfairness are part of the whole thing. I have learned that by walking through it...sticking with those feelings....I am honoring what is happening here. I'm not running or frantically trying to fix all the many things that are part of it....but I am sitting, breathing, letting the process "be" rather than fighting with what energy I have left. This seems like a kinder, gentler way right now.

The truth is that we've had a very tough 48 hours....mentally.... We've again been forced to unfairly have to do some financial shifting of funds to help us continue paying doctor's bills and some other expenses. I've begun my research about going back on full Medicare coverage with some supplemental insurances to cut down on our medical insurance costs. I didn't sleep last night as I entered the tangled web of Medicare (which brings up HUGE, SCARY issues for those of us who have two expensive, chronic illnesses). And we found ourselves huddled together, holding on tightly as we face the next looming MRI and results which will happen soon. It's been a lot. But you know..........I think we're O.K.........I know we're O.K.

I feel your warmth and love. I know that all of you continue to hang in there with us. Thank you so much. I am so touched by all of your kindness and prayers. You are all beautiful points of light. Shine on!!!!

Blessings,

Sherri

5th Chemo

2008-08-18T20:52:00.000-07:00

Today was my fifth infusion of the Avastin / CPT-11. The Oncologists office has made the appointment for the next MRI for August 28th in the afternoon. A little scary.. Sherri call's it PMS (Pre MRI Syndrome) It will tell us how well the Chemo has worked so far. It was also nice hearing Dr. Congdon say that the severe chills and joint pain that I have had the last 2 weeks are "classic text-book symptoms of the Avastin" Feels a lot like Flu / Fever to me. Thank God for Ibuprofen which helps.

Sherri and I had a small private infusion room this time which allowed me a 2 hour nap in the recliner and Sherri a opportunity to finish "A Change of Heart" A book she has been reading.

With Love a ad Thanks to All of you.

Richard

2008-08-16T10:54:00.000-07:00

O.K......I know.....it's an interesting look for me...but we were working around the house and I thought I needed to see what we really looked like on a day that we PRAY that no one stops by. I mean.....I'm trying to get my hair a little longer and phew...in this heat it drives me nuts and sometimes I have no other choice but to tie it up in a rag! Very interesting!!!! So now I've posted it to all of you so if you accidently stop by when I'm all a mess...I won't scare you off!!!! But...the important thing is that I think you can see our happiness and love for one another. I LOVE THAT...it even shows when I'm not too attractive!

Well.....it's been a long time since I have come here to write. I guess this past two weeks have been a little more difficult than others for us......not horrible....we've just been sosososo busy with family events and then this past week neither one of us has been feeling great. Time keeps flying.....I'm having a hard time prioritizing and getting things done.

Last week was my beautiful Mother's 90th birthday!!!! My niece, Kamee, her husband and three of their six children came up for the week. Kamee is only four years younger than me and we're very close. We always have packed weeks when she is here.....visiting, going to the beach, eating way too much, shopping, sharing, laughing. We ALL had a great time!!!!

We had my Mom's birthday party at our house and it was really fun......very hectic....lots of people....but lots of loving too!!!!! My nephew and his wife and their little girl Ruby were able to join us....all of my sister's and their husbands were here, a friend of my Mom's also came....it was a full house. But it was so joyful to see ALL the generations together and we all loved watching the kids playing and laughing. It was a celebration!!!! Thank you to both of my sisters for helpng sosososo much.

Richard's "feeling crummy" from chemo has worsened this past week. His joints and muscles are aching so badly he can hardly walk. He's also been experiencing terrible episodes of "chills" that make him so uncomfotable. So far ibuprofen has been the best thing for all of these "ickies" and lots of rest!!!! He hates having to take little naps all day.....but we are learning to go with it. It's been very hard on him for sure!!!! I feel so helpless and of course worried. When I see him shuffle in pain I get scared that it's something beyond chemo effects...but I do alot of "self-talking" and stay as calm as possible. I don't think either of us will ever get use to this walk we're doing. Everything....every ache, bloated feeling, lapse in memory, moment of agitation....all feel scary and out of control for both of us.

I hate to complain....but my own health issues have flared up this past week too!!!! I get these horrible mouth sores as a result of some of the medication I take for my rheumatoid arthritis. They are so incredibly painful.....I just can't even explain it!!!! They are huge and make everything very difficult...like talking, eating, drinking, smiling, breathing......you get the point!!! Anyway it's been a very difficult few days with these and I'm still struggling. I use a mouth rinse that has been suggested by my doctors and pain medication but it just wears me down. I still struggle with how to "do" my own illness while living in the middle of Rick's horrible illness. We're quite a team....that's for sure.

In spite of all of this we went camping for a couple of days. We decided that we could feel horrible in our motorhome just as well as we could here and that maybe a change of surroundings would be a small diversion. We went to Deception Pass and we had a wonderful time. Our friends, Helen and Jon Campbell met us there for one night and then we had one night alone. It was beautiful!!!!!!

See Mali being a camping dog. They love going on our trips. I love having them although it is like having three two year olds around!!!!!!!!!!! Look at that motorhome/toy house!!!! It's so cute!!!!!

Jamaica is actually the best little camper we have.....just put his bed down and he is cozy and ready for a nap!!!

My gosh!!!! I love this man so much!!!!!!

Well I hope that this post finds you all happy and peaceful. Rick and I know that we are surrounded by angels. Thank you for sharing your light with us. We LOVE you!!!

Blessings,

Sherri

Love and Angels

2008-08-09T09:12:00.000-07:00

It has been a rough week for me as I have been experiencing some chemo effects combined with side effects of the Nulasta and a minor infection in my throat I picked up somewhere. It has moved into my ears and given me a few difficult nights feeling chilled and feverish.. But, now that I am nearly a week out from the Avastin and camptosar, the symptoms of lethargy and aching muscles are fading and I am finding more energy to do things around the house.

I have been visited by my Angels several times recently and been given WONDERFUL gifts of healing energy. The first was from two Dear ones from my work who delivered a light quilt covered with words, poems, and words of encouragement and love from most of the staff and some residents. When I wrap up in it for a nap, I can Literally FEEL the love and healing energy that was intentioned in it's making.. Here is a photo of me napping that Sherri got.

My white blood cell counts were boosted successfully with the Nulasta after the third session. I am scheduled again for Aug. 18th for chemo, then will be sent to Swedish for a MRI..

We have had also had a busy and fun week helping Sherri's Mother celebrate her 90th Birthday! She is a wonderful woman who still lives independently and drives herself to Seattle. Being with her and her family is a Joy. We've had visits from family from out of state. Today will be the final big party honoring Nana!!!

I thank you everyone again for the food, cards and gifts I have received. It is my belief that what you give out to the world, you receive back again and again and again! Your joy and giving are your true gifts to the world.

With Love to All

Richard

Third Chemo Session!

2008-07-22T15:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Richard had his chemo and he did great! We drove ourselves down and back and he did a great job. We brought some of our favorite CDs and were moved by the music and the views. We were reminded of the fact that we live in such a beautiful spot. During our drives back and forth I focus on that. It helps the time go by.

Dr. Congdon (no not condom....you silly) was so excited regarding how good Richard looked and by Richard's news that ALL his vision is back and perfect!!! That is our miracle right now....and hopefully a huge sign that that nasty tumor is shrinking, shrinking, shrinking!!!! The next MRI will be after Richard's next chemotherapy. Waiting for that is always a little nerve racking...but we believe that the tumor is loosing this battle....for sure!!!!!

Here is a picture of Richard during his chemotherapy. It's a huge place and very busy. We always sit by the window and get to watch a ball field down below and then also have a view of the Cascades. They do everything to make both of us very comfortable. We're getting amazingly good at the whole process. It takes about four hours total and we've learned what acitivities keep us busy....me....reading and crossword puzzles....Rick....reading and writing in his tumor timer.

Richard's tumor timer is a daytimer that his sister and I bought him during the first week of his diagnosis and it became known as his TUMOR TIMER. Since, at times, confusion is part of this whole journey....the tumor timer helps him keep EVERYTHING straight. He has worked for months to get it perfect....so that it covers all his needs (Phew!!!) He has incorporated a journal into it and writes often. I, mistakenly bought him a cool package of various sized sticky notes and the man is sososososo happy!!!! Those are meticuously glued into his timer. I find notes all over the house and special love notes in my own daytimer....but he is very busy making lists and more lists and more lists!!!! Grocery lists, to-do lists for me, for him, for us, project lists, etc....I never knew one person could have so many lists in his brain....and he doesn't even have a whole brain. It's just another example of Richard's giftedness!!!! I don't know what will happen if he ever looses the tumor timer. It will be a very sad day. I think some may say that he's a little obssessed with it...but I love it...and it really has helped both of us. Sometimes I have to giggle when I see both of our day timers laying side by side. They seem like very good friends.....maybe they're lovers....???? OK....now I've gone too far!!!!!

Yesterday we did find out that Richard's white blood cell count was low (a pretty common side effect of the chemo). It was so low that the doctor ordered an injection, to be given the day after chemo, that will spur the bone marrow to produce more white blood cells. OMG...we picked the medicine up today and we found out that it costs $3,900 an injection!!!!! Is that not absurd???? As we walked home from the store I really hung onto the package. I felt like I was carrying gold!!! He's already given himself the injection...now we wait for the side effects...... Apparently the marrow can grow at such a fast rate that his bones may ache pretty severly. YUK!!! My poor husband....what an amazing man.

After chemo we went to Pam and Scott's house for a delicious dinner. Pam is quite a cook. She always provides great meals and then a wonderful dessert!!!! We love our time with them. They have been so supportive. I feel very blessed to have them in my life. Richard truly loves his sister. It's awesome to watch and feel their closeness. I love it when we can all get together.

Im also including a picture of our new swing. Richard and I put the 1,000 pieces together this weekend and we had a blast. We are such a great team!!!! We actually had moments hooked together (maybe 15 or so) where we forgot about Richard being sick. It was amazing! I've teased him that maybe we should get a couple huge lego projects so that we could put them together to give our minds a rest!!!! Just kidding...TOTALLY kidding! Anyway...the swing looks great and I love just sitting in our yard swinging back and forth. It's so relaxing.

Well....I guess that's it!!! We're doing great! We walked 2 miles today, at a fairly peppy pace and Richard felt great! I'm so relieved that he is slowly feeling stronger. The doctor, yesterday, reminded Richard that healing is really hard work. For the first time he got no argument from Rick. We are focusing on our moments together......living life fully and with passion. Thank you EVERYONE for thinking about us.

We love you sosososo much!

Blessings,

Sherri

Hello to ALL our ANGELS!!!

2008-07-17T14:30:00.000-07:00

Man....our days totally seem to fly by!!! I feel badly that I don't get to the blog more often but we seem so busy and by the end of the day when I have time....I'm often "spent" and drained. Such is life with a brain tumor (however we both feel like we are living with a much smaller brain tumor these days...ALLELUIA!!!! Our positive thinking has returned). Sometimes...well actually often....I feel like asking CANCER to move over just a little bit or at least squinch down to a more manageable size. Right now it feels like living with cancer is like living with the Good Year Blimp in your living room. It's just so huge...I sometimes wonder if there is room for Richard and I and it in our house. Cancer also seems to make clocks move faster. Our days are spent totally taking care of the details that cancer brings with it....and phew...it can be exhausting. But the good news....We ARE learning to LIVE with this horrible disease... slowly...one step at a time!

The big news this week is regarding our decision to apply for Social Security Disability. I've walked through this same walk with my own health issues (another "hit" that the Universe had been preparing me for this experience way long ago....hmmmmmm!!!) and I knew that it was a horrendous process. Our decision to apply came during the last three months of hospitals, doctors, bad news, Richard beginning a new chemotherapy regime and his worrying about returning to work and when. We decided that we needed to at least apply and give Richard some options. Applying for disability has felt like a part of the journey that we needed to responsibly do. Our goal remains to be that Richard will return to work as soon as the oncologist says that he can. Until then....He is practising patience and moving through the process (not an easy thing for this hard working man). The next MRI is scheduled to be in a few weeks. At that time, we will see how he is doing.

About two weeks after our interview we were notified by Social Security and told that Richard had been awarded full Social Security Disability. I guess brain tumors are an automatic for those folks (so is blindness......). It can't begin until five months after his last day of working.....so Richard has some time to think about what he is capable of doing. But NOW he has options and options feel good.

Even facing this decision regarding returning to work seems like such a possible loss for us. Richard absolutely loves his job and hopes that he will be able to return. We both love the people who work there and they've been Richard's support group for over 16 years. Initially he nursed nights and then currently he is working as the Medical Records Director. He finds all parts of his job fascinating and misses it horribly. I don't think he has even begun to figure out how to wrap his mind around the idea of not working. Thank God we have time on our side right now and no absolute decision needs to be made.

We were both very sad initially....but as the week has gone on we are trying to face this part of the journey without holding onto too much bitterness, anger and fear. That's the hardest part. Each new thing feels so horrifyingly strange. It feels like a huge gut wrenching shift in our reality and we become breathless and overwhelmed. But we are strong....and we are learning that grieving is O.K. and part of this whole thing. AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!

I wanted to share some family pics from last weekend...just to show you that everything isn't dark and serious around here ALL the time. Dana, Emily and Jason spent some wonderful time with us and we had a blast. Richard and I both love having our children near us. We miss Alex....he can't come off Orcas very often to see us......but he's always is with us in spirit. Friday evening we had a wonderful dinner and on Sunday we had our traditional peanut butter pancakes for breakfast. Sunday afternoon some of Dana's wonderful frends came to visit which was really great. Richard loves just hanging out!!!!

This other picture is of Richard and Alyn (a man who bought Richard's bike). Alyn's wife bought him the bike for his 60th birthday. We first met them a couple of weeks ago. When they first saw the bike they both got tears in their eyes. Richard truly loved that bike. He loved every trip he took on it....especially the ones with his Dad. His various rides were always special and gave him such enjoyment. Initially I was so sad about him selling this big toy....but he explained to me that it had very little to do with his brain tumor. He just felt like he was done with using it as much as he should. He wasn't nterested in doing anymore long trips....and so he felt it was time. After we met Alyn (a nurse) and his wife, Colleen....we just knew it was the right decision. It felt wonderful!!!!!

Well......that's it from our house. Thank you to everyone who has visited Richard and I this week. It means so much to us to have company....and it is so good for Richard to have people, physically, in his life. I'm darling and everything.....I can even be quite entertaining.....but he must get a little bored with just me all the time. We love company.....just call first to make sure that he's feeling O.K. We love you all.....all of you!!!!!! I feel your light shining all around us.

Until next time....blessings to you and yours!

Love Sherri

Nightly things.....

2008-07-10T05:55:00.000-07:00

I remembered some things regarding my previous sermon that I had forgotten. I woke up remembering....don't you love that when your brain keeps working as you sleep...now that is a miracle!!!! I promise....this will be short(er)!!!!!

I don't think that we get the "why" this is happening thing until we have a true understanding or grasp of the huge picture. I suspect that that may occur after we have left this earthly place (gasp....breathless.....already feeling the huge loss). I think it takes the understanding of the beyond to even begin to see and truly understand why some of these horrible things happen to such wonderful people like Richard.

But we both can see how our entire lives....things have happened which have prepared us for this moment. There seems to have been a gentle hand guding us in so many ways toward this experience. I don't believe we chose this moment....NO WAY....but I do believe that in such an loving way....we've been acquiring the necessary tools to possibly get through the "how" of this part of the journey....(me being challenged by my own health issues my entire life has given me an unique understanding of the medical end of all of this ...hospitals, talking to doctors, understanding medications, procedures, caregiving..., meeting one another when we did and coming together with a strong yearning for a deep, meaningful relationship, having our wonderful time in our magic house on the hill...but being able to sell it when we did and finding our true wonderland here on East Maplewood, coming together and co-parenting with a strength and love that I believe has given all of our children a solidness...a strong core, our similar beliefs and spiritual foundations....arrived at in totally different ways....and mine is still developing...but our beliefs are strong.....etc.......). Richard told me once....that whether I understand it or not my entire life has prepared me for this moment. As Cancer unfolds in my life I'm beginning to see that I am prepared for what it brings. I may be kcking, screaming and crying all the way....but I am ready.

And lastly....the only way that I can believe any of this is because of trust and faith. I trust my spiritual being and my beliefs because I see them working throughout every moment of my day. It is only with trust that I can hold Emily in my arms as she cries with sadness about what is happening to our family that I can promise her that we will make it and that we will be OK (I'm still learning about the "how" we're going to make it....but I believe we will be OK). It's only through faith that I am able to hold my husband, feel the way our bodies fit together, feel his heart beat with mine, and believe that we will make it through this. It is only through trust that we have decided to face this horrible thing head on. Through trust and faith we have begun to, during our sane moments, that we have begun to let go of the "why" of all of this.

OK...ENOUGH.... Now maybe I can go crawl back into bed for a few more moments of sleep beside my beautiful husband. Thank you for hanging in there with me.

Things to be said.....

2008-07-09T22:12:00.001-07:00

Tonight....like many times.....I was struck by this thought that totally rocked my world. "Richard!!!! Oh my gosh!!! You have cancer!!!!! Can you believe it?". He responded like he always does....."God.....I know!!! Isn't this a trip?".... This is followed by moments of silence where we just stare at one another.....sometimes reaching out for each other...most times just staring. This is still so hard to believe. Brain cancer has left us breathless...totally breathless. It is making us walk through experiences that we were not ready for. We have been given no specific training in our lives that has even begun to prepare us for how to do this; but we are being forced to march forward and "live". How overwhelming is that?

I've talked with so many of you about the "why" of this experience. Initially I was desperately trying to figure out why this would happen to us. Why were we hit with this? What did I do wrong to bring this upon us? Why is this happening when the two of us have finally found one another and when we have just begun to create our life together? Why is this happening when we have just begun to create a family for our children? Why? Why? WHY? Through talking, through listening to Richard, through talking some more, through thinking so much, so hard for so long.....I still don't know why......And what I've decided is that I probably never will!!! But what I've noticed is that the "why" seems so much more less important than it use to. It's amazing but the diagnosis hasn't changed our core beliefs or our spiritual essence. If anything....maybe we have both become even more sure of what we believe. What we struggle with now....is the "how"....and daily we are learning all too well about "how". The "how" , I believe, is inevitable.

What we've come to believe....what we together have figured out.....through our spiritual beliefs, past experiences and our "truth" is this...... Our vision of our world here, at this place, at this time, is very small. Our idea of the big picture is in reality teensy compared to all that encompasses what is The Universe. We here can't begin to understand the vastness and the scope of all that is. That is why in our experience here when bad things happen it is almost impossible to truly see the "why"..... We are unable to see the big picture as it truly is. We are unable to see all that we need to see to make any sense of some of the things that happen during this earthly experience.

What Richard and I believe, though, is that within this new reality that has been given to us...the challenge is really about the "how". The challenge becomes how to live within this set of circumstances that has been handed to us....and to create what life looks like as we are faced with Cancer.

We are not powerless. We feel powerful....because of many reasons...but mainly because we are choosing to live surrounded by peace, love, compassion and respect. We are loving each other, our children, our families, our friends with intense passion. We are paying attention to details and moments....and breathing deeply. We are continuing to make memories. We are continuing to count our blessings and constantly finding moments to celebrate and rejoice. We are living "full" and "huge" and for now that is our "how".

What I know...is that I love Richard so much. I am such a better person because I met him, fell in love with him, have learned so much from him, married him and continue to create such a beautiful life with him. He has been tender with me and has always expected only the best from me. He believes in me. He sees my goodness. And he has given me the gift of being able to begin to believe in myself and my own worth. He has truly loved me. And I have truly loved him.

We will continue doing this for as long as we can. I want years with this man.....YEARS. I will continue doing this "how" for as long as it takes....because I believe in "us" and I don't want to do this life any other way.

Thank you for being here, at night, in the dark with me. You'll really think I'm crazy....but it's at times like these that I feel such a connection with all of you. The quiet of night helps me see so much clearer. I know you are all walking with us. Thank you!

Blessings,

Sherri

Great Weekend!

2008-07-06T08:45:00.000-07:00

As you might tell, mostly due to Sherri's wonderful focus on what brings me Joy, I have had an amazing weekend with all the comforts that I could dream of. Like She said, the extreme heaviness that I get from the chemo has come less often over the past 3 days and I spend some time each day feeling close to normal..!.. Tommorow morning, it's back dowm to Everett for my secong treatment of Avastin / CPT-11. (Article about it in the Bellingham Herald today) No web link, article on A8, "Costly Cancer Treatmant Raises Questions". I continue to believe that as Dr Foltz told us, he has seen Avastin make these brain Tumors "dissappear".

We are looking forward to a quiet Sunday today , maybe dinnner out, and have re-dedicated to walking outdoors everyday which seems to help the fatigue. .

Thank You everyone for being in out lies! Cheryl for the Chemo ride tommorow early to Everett, Mark, for the most delicous blueberry pie I have ever eaten, Richard, Jodi, Don and Barbara for the Lunch and help in the yard yesterday. Lee for your sharing of the Motorcycle trip, and everyone who wrote and called. You are alll making this Journey so much easier for us. We have Angels All Aroud US! YOU!

LOVE TO ALL

Richard

What Will Make Him Happy?

2008-07-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

Richard and I have had a wonderful weekend. We've done very little actually...but every moment, even the bad ones, have seemed to be wrapped in gold. Friday I asked Richard what would make him happy....He sat for a moment and then gave me a verbal list. I was determined to make those few simples requests happen for him.....and it was fun watching his beautiful face smile with joy as each little "event" happened.

He wanted a cheese omelet and hashbrowns for one of our breakfasts. Yesterday my Mom joined us and we went out for a yummy meal! The hashbrowns were perfect and the omelet was stuffed with lots of cheese and mushrooms. To top it off the waitress suggested that we try their bisquits instead of toast. OMG!!!!! They were delicious!!!!! Richard almost squealed when she brought him marionberry jam.

He wanted, badly, to feel well enough so that he could ride his "big man" riding lawn mower and mow his own lawn. I was really nervous about this request. He has been so weak...I just really didn't think we were going to be able to pull this off. But I hand mowed all the tight spots and the front yard and Richard was able to mow the rest on his riding mower. Amazing!!!!! He was determined...so determined.....and he finished and did a great job. I was a wreck....but I worked in the garden beds and kept my eye on him. Mowing a yard seems like such a simple task....but for Richard, right now, it is huge!!!! Yipee!!!!!!

I think today was the finale to his wish list. My sister Barbara and her husband Don came up from Seattle and they took my Mom, Richard and I out to Hearthfire for lunch. Richard had been wanting fish-n-chips forever and today he had them....and he said they were absolutely delicious. We all shared strawberry shortcake for dessert. As I watched him carefully eat a piece of shortcake, with the perfect strawberry, topped with the rich, homemade whipped cream....well.....I think the look on his face looked like true bliss.....Oh...my man was so happy.

When we got home my other sister Jodee and her husband Richard were busy working in our yard...pulling our eternal pile of weeds. My Richard went and layed down and my Mom went home.....but the rest of us worked in our flower beds together. That was amazing!!!! Our yard looks so beautiful and we actually had a great time. My family has been so supportive through this journey. I am thankful for their love and compassion. They truly see what a special man Richard is......they want to help as much as they can and they've known exactly what to do. I love them so much.

Anyway....I think Richard has had his "happy list" met this weekend. His requests were simple....but he enjoyed every moment and I loved being with him.

As time away from his last chemo session gets longer he seems to feel better, stronger, less confused and rattled. This chemo and everything before the treatment seems to have left Richard with an extreme fatigue that is almost intolerable for him. He tries, desperately, to explain to me how he is feeling...."lead in my blood", "like I can't even lift my arm".... It must be horrible. I try to encourage him....and tell him that the chemo is doing exactly what it should be....it is taking all of his bodily energy and it is attacking the brain tumor with a vengence...his body is working so hard at the attacking that there just isn't anything left. His job is to listen to his body, imagine the attack and the hardest part....let go and let it happen. His patience is being tested. It is so hard for him because he is such a hard worker.....always busy....strong. To feel so badly at times is so difficult. I'm learning what being a warrior really means. RICHARD IS A WARRIOR!!!!

Late at night....when I can't sleep.....I think of all our friends, family and loved ones. I imagine each one of you as though you are little stars in my spirit...... I hold you all in my special thoughts and prayers.

Blessings,

Sherri

Thoughts from Sherri

2008-06-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

Of all things....I have a chest cold!!! I can't believe that something so normal like a cold has entered our house. In a huge way I am relieved....however....of course....I'm panicking about Richard getting it but we're being sosososo careful and today I'm feeling much better. Phew...could it go away without another catastrophe??????? I'm praying that it does.

I've been keeping some of the strangest sleeping hours....and so has Richard. For the first time in his life he is having difficulty sleeping!!!! He is so use to routine that nights of tossing and turning have really upset him. I'm sure that it's a combination of the medication he is on (steroids!!!) and everything he has been through. But....the darkness, the quiet, the space that night brings...it seems to give him room to think, to worry, to ponder...and I believe it's very frightening for him...like driving a stagecoach with a team of wild horses pulling it...wanting to take off and run forever..... When I get up with him, during these sleepless bouts, that is the feeling I get....he looks at me and I hear his mind saying, "Honey....do something.....I can't stop my runaway thoughts.....I'm scared....I don't know if I can hang on.....". All I can do is sit there and listen...and I'm listening hard, making mental notes of things he wants to happen in the future, assuring him when it's needed, opening my heart to his fears and his worries. As difficult as it is to sit there with him and not try to solve all his problems......As hard as it is to watch him mentally suffer.....I am aware that this is one of the gifts of being his partner through this journey. I am aware...that sharing these moments with him are truly priceless.

It is a fact now, however....I HATE BRAIN CANCER!!!!! Watching him deal with the chemo side affects, watching him face this abyss of deep thought, watching him change a little bit each day.....I HATE IT!!!! I realize that he is a very sick man. I know that now it is about making him as comfortable as possible and it's about surrounding him with love, compassion and tenderness. It's about giving him space when he needs it...and moving close when it is necessary. I'm on alert...but yet I'm learning to trust my inner spirit in terms of knowing exactly what to do and when.

We talked to the oncologist's nurse on Friday and she ordered some medication to help with sleeping, however, when we went to pick up the prescription...Walgreens had forgotten to ask how many pills they wanted in the script. By the time they noticed that....the doctor's office was closed for the weekend.....they called the emergency number....but no call back yet..... Another medical glich...that in the end doesn't give my husband any relief. I walked out of there totally disgusted............ Now I hate WALGREENS too.... It is time to change pharmacies. Well this paragraph wasn't very spiritual, was it????? Sorry!!!!

Well....I must get moving.....the day is beautiful, Richard seems steady right now....and I have to brush my teeth.....yes....self-care is important!!! I love you all....if you only knew how much. Thank you for your prayers and support. You give me so much energy and hope.

Love Sherri

Home again

2008-06-25T20:49:00.000-07:00

Always feels really good to be home again, even after just one night at Providence in Everett. It WAS a very long one day and night, as we were told to be there by 6:00 AM for placement of a Port-a-cath into my chest for administration of the next step in this process, a new and powerful blend of two chemotherapeutic agents which are designed to cut off the tumors blood supply, causing it to shrivel and die away (Avastin and CPT-11). I will be going to the the Providence Cancer Center in Everett, WA every 14 days for this treatment.

The short version of the story is that The port was not placed until nearly 4:00 PM.. this was after us expecting it to happen early, and me fasting from the midnight before. With Sherri there loving me throughout, my sister and Father there too, we all made it through the day intact. My Dr. came in and said I should just stay there for the night since the Port was in, and My fist Chemo was scheduled for the next day.

Today, after sleeping poorly last night, I AM feeling some Chemo effect with some loss of appetite and generally fatigued. Looking forward to curling into bed again and sleeping sound tonight.

My Love to all. More soon.

Richard

Please send Richard good thoughts!!!!

2008-06-22T16:20:00.001-07:00

I feel badly that I haven't kept everyone up to date during this past week.....but things have been very difficult....and time has been in short supply. I will tell you our story now....and apologize right away for how choppy it all may come out.

After our wonderful Father's Day I noticed that Richard started looking more tired and seemed very lethargic. On Monday I watched him very closely...it's funny....at first I always think I'm the one that is going crazy or that my artistic, dramatic spirit is taking over and making really big things out of nothing...but he definately seemed "far away". He went to bed very early that evening and as I tucked him in he told me that he just didn't feel right. (Oh Great....he was noticing it too!!!) In the morning, when he still seemed to be having a difficult time waking up and began slurring his speech a little...I called the surgeon's office and spoke to one of his assistants. We had an appointment in Seattle on Wednesday to see the infectious disease doctor and so they told me to bring Richard earlier in the morning and they would check him out.

Emily went with us...and Richard slept all the way down. The walk from the garage to the doctor's office seemed like forever. We saw the surgeon's assistant, she asked her one million questions and Emily and I tried to describe to her what our concerns were. Richard was barely talking...other then to say he just needed to sleep. She said she would talk to the surgeon and that he may want to take an MRI and that she would call us on our cell phones if he wanted to do a scan that day. I left the office feeling sort of stupid....and Emily was angry and frustrated.

Dana met us at the Infectious Disease doctor's appointment and as we were waiting for the doctor Richard again fell asleep and was totally disengaged with our conversations. The kids were scared and I was incredibly anxious. When we finally saw the doctor I told him that I needed an advocate and that I felt like something horrible was going on with Richard. Richard tried to talk to him but it was obvious that he was struggling. Dr. Cairins made some calls and within 15 minutes we were back at the surgeon's office getting some attention.

The minute Dr. Foltz saw him he suggested that Rick stay overnight and that they take an immediate MRI and so some bloodwork to determine what was going on. To make a very long story a little shorter....basically after running all the tests....we were told the next morning that Richard's tumor had gotten much bigger and that surgery, at this point was not an option because of one arm of the tumor that reaches into a critical area for motor movement. After an examination the doctor determined that the tumor had already grown into the vision area of the brain and that Rick's left peripheal vision was totally gone. The symptoms that Richard was experiencing was from the swelling around this mass and the doctor began Richard immediately on steroids that would help with the swelling.

Later that day Dr. Foltz met with Richard, Pam (his wonderful sister) and I and it was decided that the next day (Friday) we would go to our oncologist in Everett and begin Avastin/CPT 11 (a chemo used typically for colon cancers...but that have recently been used with great success for treatment of breast and brain cancer) immediately. We were scheduled to begin that chemo in early July beause of the staph infection.....but the infection looked like it was under control and the doctors were suggesting that we not wait.

We were all devastated. I really can't even begin to describe how we were feeling...mainly numb and in deep shock. None of us expected this sort of vicious attack from this cancer and we were totally shocked. Pam and I moved into our efficient mode and contacted family and shared the grim news. Richard got pumped full of the mighty steroids which almost immediately made him feel better. We sat and waited for the next attack to begin.

Unfortunately when we arrived at our oncologist's office in Everett we were met with the horrible news that our insurance company had not OK'd the Avastin/CPT 11 treatment. Dr. Congdon explained that even he had called our insurance companies medical director but no one was calling them back. Again....another moment of total devastation and let down. I immediately called Richard's work and told them about our dilema and they began attacking from their end while Dr. Condon's office continued their attack. Meanwhile Richard, Pam and I got our "chemotherapy counseling" and "infusion room" tour and Richard got yet more blood work taken care of. Dr. Congdon scheduled Richard for having his port-a-cath (a permanent port put into a large vein near his heart that will make it so Richard doesn't need to be poked every time they need blood or everytime they need to give him anything...the vein is also big enough and strong enough to handle the toxicity of the chemo he'll be getting) put in early Monday morning and then his first round of chemotherapy will happen that afternoon. As we left Dr. Congdon's office....Richard's work called and his boss had spoken to the owner of the medical insurance company and everything was OK'd and the doctor was being notified. Alleluia!!!!

Phew....What a story......and phew what a nightmare for my poor husband. We still can't believe that this is happening. I don't know what we've been thinking but basically I think we've been working so hard to "beat" the statistics of GBM cancer that we NEVER allowed our minds to really go there and stay with the negative thoughts for very long. It seems like now......we are being forced to look at the vicious strength of this disease and raise the fight even higher than we have been. Richard and I are prepared to continue fighting with as much resolve and energy as possible. We are also so committed to making each moment full with attention and being. It is time....time for us to gather our family and friends around us and to remember all the many blessings that touch us throughout our days.

This weekend has been miraculous. Friday night Emily and Jason came over and we sat and hugged and cried and laughed and then hugged and cried and held hands and talked, talked, talked. It was hard but even hard has it's gracious parts and those are to be treasured. I watched my step-daughter grow that night....as she described her feelings, her fears, her love for her Dad. It was beautiful.

Yesterday we had a band of angels show up to do yard work with us. Oh my gosh!!!! In just a few hours our yard was transformed into the most beautiful place for Richard and I to look out on. What a wonderful gift for us!!!! It was amazing to just be surrounded by such love and giving. It felt so awesome. Thank you so much!!!

Wendy.....our beautiful friend....brought us many yummy meals (she has been providing food since this whole thing began) for our freezer. Cooking has been so hard for me (I don't get why.....but even boiling water seems challenging at this point). Wendy has always provided us with yummy treats to eat. She is amazing....and a fantastic cook.

Richard's Dad, Leo, is here now. He will take us to Everett in the morning and will come home with us tomorrow afternoon to help me with Richard. He is a dear man. Richard's Mom, Fran,will continue to do pet sitting while we're gone. Both of these people are in so much pain watching their son struggle. They have supported us so perfectly. The love and tenderness that they have approached this crisis with is beautiful to watch.

Please send Richard thoughts of strength and healing. He is strong....but he is sososo tired. He needs all of us joinging hands and gathering around him....covering him with healing wishes. I feel you all out there...your energy has held me up....and has provided me with a calm place to rest. Thank you!!!!

Blessings,

Sherri

Father's Day

2008-06-16T00:32:00.001-07:00

Happy Father's Day Richard!!! Emily and Dana came over to our house bright and early and we all spent the whole day together. It was so wonderful for both Richard and I (the only thing that would have made it more perfect was if Alex was there too...he was missed!!!!). The day began with yummy, fresh roasted coffee as the kids told us about their previous evening's adventures. Then, as their Dad gave detailed instructions, they made our traditional peanut butter pancake breakfast. It was delicious....even the dogs enjoyed their own plate of pancakes with syrup and peanut butter, served by fork no less!!!!!

The rest of the day was spent doing whatever felt right. Emily, Richard and I went to the Mall, quickly, to exchange some shoes that Dana had bought his Dad as a gift (they have been deemed the most comfortable shoes Richard has ever owned). The kids and I layed on a blanket and soaked up some rays as their Dad took a quick nap. We all sat on the deck and drank iced coffees, enjoying the warmth of the beautiful summer day. After Emily sadly went to work Dana, Richard and I finished a project down by the barn that Richard and his Dad had started a few weeks ago. Richard had thought up this amazing way of getting this HUGE tarp up over these poles that he and his Dad had put together in order to make a shelter for our motorhome/toyhome. Dana and I were in awe of the pulley system that Richard had devised with rope that unabled us to put the tarp over the poles and then tie it down with bungees, etc. Wow!!! The man is a genius!!! The day ended with hotdogs and Grandma Fran's famous potatoe salad and deviled eggs as we watched the basketball playoff game. Emily was back home by the end of the game and was able to partake in the hotdog feast!!!

When the kids left.....I looked over at my beautiful husband and saw a genuine smile on his face. He was exhausted.......but throughout the day he was good about sitting and letting us do things as he directed and he also took a nap and "rested his eyes" at times as we watched T.V. But still....I know that the day was long for him....but so important!!! He needed to "be" with his children. I think it was wonderful medicine.

I know that it was important for the kids too!!!! Our tendency, of course as parents, is to protect our children from experiences that are hard. But I am learning that "hard" can also have its own beauty and intimacy about it that is so unique and moving. We shouldn't always try to protect them from hard.....but maybe model what to do when hard hits and then stand beside them as they approach it and begin to experience it on their own. It's awful that this is happening to Emily, Dana and Alex...but as we've said before there are blessings that are constantly coming from this experience. These lessons are some of the many blessings.

The children need to make the same adjustments regarding their Dad's physical limitations just like Richard and I are having to do. I'm realizing how important it is to let them "take care" of their Dad, see his weaknesses, tend to his needs. They need to see Richard and I working together in this new reality of ours. I know now that we are teaching them, clumsily at times, about how to be compassionate and loving during difficult times and that this is a life lesson....a huge life lesson that they will carry with them forever.

You know...from our first date I knew that Richard was an amazing Father. When he spoke about his children his voice became soft and tender and his face glowed in a way that I had never seen before. His descriptions of his children touched me deeply. He was so proud of them and they obviously brought him tremendous joy. I could tell, without a doubt, that being a parent was, by far, his greatest joy and accomplishment. Before I even met his children I knew that they were blessed.

Over the years I have grown to know Richard as a parent intimately. I still feel so honored to sit amongst them as Richard shares advise, life experiences, suggestions and many lessons with his children. There is such love between the three of them....such admiration...such pride that circles all of them. I've never seen anything like it. They have a peaceful, easy rythym about them. They have been gracious in letting Alex and I join them.

I hope that you all had a fabulous weekend in the sun and warmth. We love you all and continue to feel your prayers and well wishes. Thank you for continuing to care about us with such dedication. It means so much.

Blessings,

Sherri

Sleepless Thoughts

2008-06-10T02:22:00.000-07:00

Tonight I woke up with a start at about 1:00. After laying there with my thoughts I decided to get up and read for a while. After an hour, I reminded myself that tomorrow is another HUGE day for us...and wandered back to our bedroom to try to find sleep once again. As I got back into bed I listened carefully for Richard's familiar breathing, which is so comforting to me. As I lay there...I couldn't hear it....and so turned on my side, toward him, and reached my hand out to gently rest it on his rib cage. Soon I felt the rise and fall of his breath...and then he did our silent signal that everything is OK...he took one very deep breath...before returning to his usual rhythmic rise and fall. Comfort and relief washed over me. I stayed there for a while.....feeling so connected, so in love, and so safe.

Earlier in the evening I was feeling so horrible. Selfishly, after a very long day, I started missing Richard's way of nurturing me through difficult parts of my own chronic illnesses. He has tried lately....but really lacks the strength and attention to stay with me when something comes up....like painful joints, nausea or high blood sugars. I found myself so weary of carrying that all by myself...and I let myself feel resentful and frustrated....I guess angry at this whole thing that is happening to us. Then....as I looked at my precious husband laying there so weak and so tired....the familiar, immense hit of guilt took over and I immediately was faced with the ugliness of my own selfishness. I was ashamed of where my thoughts had taken me and felt so badly. There was nothing I could do to relieve the heaviness and pain surrounding my shallowness. I just had to sit with these thoughts and try to soothe my weak spirit.

This, too, seems to be an all too familiar part of this walk with Cancer. I've learned about my own strength and also a lot about my ugly parts.

Home Again!!!

2008-06-06T11:57:00.000-07:00

We finally arrived home on Wednesday evening and we still don't feel quite caught up. We are feeling our way around a new routine, new limitations and trying desperately to take care of the house, the yard, the pets, the bills etc. It's amazing to me how life outside of "us" seems to continue even though we have been so isolated and so stuck...it feels like we have alot to do.

Richard is very weak and seems to tire easily. His pain is being managed with the pain regime he is on....although, at times, there seems to be break through owies!!! He's so good about letting me know and we get it covered and soon he's OK again. He can tell you anything there is to know about Obama and Clinton and is a weather whiz by now....CNN is usually on in the background and at times can hold his attention with its chatter. He's also reading a great book and that has been a blessing.

He's getting two different medications which are delivered once daily through his PICC line. Between both of us we are able to get it done. The whole thing takes about a hour. He also is giving himself an injection to thin his blood....because of the nasty little blood clots that seem to gather around his PICC lines :(!!! Of course there are various medications being given and the challenge of getting the man to eat.......but that is our "medical" routine...........I can see us getting it all down...smoother and smoother as time goes on. We were trained well at the hospital and by a "home health nurse" that visited us yesterday. She will come every Thursday to change the PICC dressing and to check on Richard's health status.

The new news....and probably the hardest for us to take....is that through two MRIs that were taken to assess the status of the infection....a new tumor was found behind the surgery site of the prior three craniotomys. We still are in such shock considering that his last MRI was four weeks ago...but we both know that this is how the GBM works.....when a cancer cell matures it is fast to make a new tumor. This growth is small....and is located in a place that if operated on will take away Richard's left peripheal vision.....so because of that and also because of the current infection he is not considered a good surgery risk. The recommendation is that we begin a new type of chemotherapy called Avastin/CPT 11 as soon as possible....we have an appointment with our oncologist in Everett on Monday afternoon and will know more then. If, by the time we replace the new plate over his surgery site (about 10 weeks away), a current MRI shows no change, then they will go in and remove the tumor.

Phew....that's alot to digest....no wonder I don't know what day of the week it is or how to spell "the". My heart breaks for my beautiful husband, our children, our family and our friends who have been praying so hard for a different type of result. My heart is breaking for me too.....I'm not that amazing!!!! I'm scared, I'm sosososo disappointed, I'm tired, I'm frozen, I'm angry, I'm hurting, I'm trying to just hang on and not let myself totally fall apart......maintaining through the grace of the Universe and the energy that is being sent our way.

Richard is staying strong. He has had his moments of despair....but I see that as a positive thing and I'm honored to be there with him when those times come. The hardest part is to just sit and "be" with him....there is no way I can make it better. I can only listen and hold his hand and "be". For those of you that know me.....that is sosososo hard. I can usually fix anything.....but this beast seems very difficult to tame.

Our time together is precious. Our dogs were so happy to see us. What a "Welcoming" we had. They still are sticking very close to us. They are the constant healers in our life.....always there to pet and to give that eyeful look.....loving us no matter what illness may come visiting. Our family and friends are absolutely amazing.....everyone helping, praying and supporting us so perfectly. We are strong because of all of you. You are our angels......all you do for us is so appreciated.

Blessings,

Sherri

Hello from Camp Swedish!!!!

2008-06-03T06:54:00.000-07:00

Sherri here.....still here.....

I got to sleep in Richard's room last night, since his Father and his wife came over from Wenatchee for a visit. No rooms were available at the Inn and so I gave them my room. Richard and I had sosososo much fun.....and we had a great nurse who was a blast. It was the perfect night after a very scary few days.

It is amazing being at the hospital this long....I have met some amazing care givers, nurses and doctors, some amazing loved ones of some very sick patients, some amazingly loving cleaning folks....well the whole thing has shown us many, many blessings. I think we're doing well when we can still be so touched by the kindness of so many.

I know that Richard and I are doing great...trying to decipher the information, making lists with our many questions, trying to keep everyone informed of what's happening and only crying in our most private moments. Everyday, I fall deeper in love with this miraculous man. His courage, patience and kindness has touched me deeply. There's always a thank you, always a smile no matter how awful he feels and always a compliance with whatever the team of docs are recommending. I am so proud of him. He is truly a man of beautiful grace.

Well...the doctors should be trickling in soon. I need to drink my first cup of Starbucks and get ready for whatever the day may bring.

Love to all. Thank you for sending so many prayers our way. We feel the peace of the "healing light"!!!!!

Love Sherri

Right Combination, a quick upadate from Richard

2008-06-03T06:35:00.000-07:00

I believe that the Doc's here have finally found the right combination of
-IV Vancomycin,
-IV Rocephin,
-and IV Levaquin, that is killing the bug causing the temperature!!! It has remained lower and I am feeling much better the last 24 hours. I am currently on all three. Thank you Kevin Swiss for the research article on incidence of infection following placement of Gliadel Wafers, http://www.gliadel.com/. Turns out that a large percentage of people getting these get these infections.

The real decision will come later this morning when the Infectious disease people come in along with the surgeon with the results from the cultures they are growing from the fluid they drew two days ago.

I am ready to get out of here!

My Love to All of you!

An update from Sherri

2008-05-30T17:15:00.000-07:00

Dana, Richard's son, has brought his computer to the hospital and he's letting me borrow it for a minute. We've had quite a week....crazy....busy....scary.....but today it has seemed that Richard has turned the corner and he is feeling better. We probably won't be home until Monday....because of setting up a visiting nurse to help us with the twice, daily infusions of antibiotics.

Richard didn't get out of the ICU until Wednesday evening.....that was a long time for us. The pain he was experiencing was sosososo horrible....they really gave him alot of medication in order to control it. In addition, there was alot of swelling and they were trying to decide if he needed to have a drain put into his head in order to drain off excess liquid that was collecting from the surgery site.....so it was very tense.

Since we have been on the main floor, he's been experiencing a temperature which has added to all the complications......lungs were crackling, head was hurting and basically he felt really bad. But....today it seems like all of the medications are working right together and we are making progress.

The type of infection he has is a epidermal staph infection which is one of the easiest to treat...so we will go home with an infusion set up and I will be hooking him up twice a day for his on-going antibiotics.....six weeks of that. Then after we're sure the infection is gone, we will come back here and he will have a plate surgically put back to cover his sweet, little brain. He's very excited....because until then he will have to wear a darling helmut whenever he is standing up (He looks like a gorgeous skateboarder...........). Yes....my artsy friends....it is just asking to be altered majorily.

So that is my update..... We have felt all the precious prayers and blessings coming our way. This has been ssososososo frightening......he was in tremendous pain. Thank you to Joanne and Kevin Swiss and Betsey for being there for us when we were at St. Joe's. Joanne actually drove us to the hospital as I held Richard's head (It was awful!!!!). Betsey and Janelle have been awesome.....such treasures..... Both of our families have been amazing. We are so very blessed.

Until my next chance to post this will have to be it!!!! We love you all!!!

Blessings,

Sherri

Richard's Update

2008-05-26T21:11:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this post for Sherri and Richard, since they have been at Swedish Hospital in Seattle for the past few days. They wanted everyone to know about the recent events that have unfolded. On Saturday, Sherri had to take Richard to our local ER becuase he was experiencing a high level of pain in his head. The doctors there could not find the cause and felt he should go back down to Swedish Hospital where he was originally treated. By the time he arrived, it had become apparent that Richard was developing a serious infection. Within two hours he was in emergency surgery. The surgery showed that the infection had made its way into the bone above his right temporal lobe. The bone was removed and cultures were taken to determine the cause of the infection which they are still awaiting the results for. Richard is now in intensive care recieving a number of antibiotics to treat the infection as well as medication to try and control his pain. The hope is to return home later this week with IV antibiotics for the next six weeks. In about 2 months he will have to undergo another surgery to have a metal plate placed in the same spot from where the bone was previously taken.I will continue to keep everyone updated on Richard's progress as I recieve more information. Please keep both Richard and Sherri in your prayers during this difficult time...

Update By: Betsey

Celebrate!

2008-05-17T08:35:00.000-07:00

Ahhh. looking forward to today.. Sherri, Alex and I spent yesterday scrubbing the deck, mowing the grass and collecting things (chocolate cake, beer, etc.;-) that we will need for the party today. It will be fun to have everyone here, cook some food on the grill outside and relax and have fun on this beautiful day. Costco was selling these wonderful vegetarian hot dogs made by Tofurky and we have collected a supply for today, My Mother is bringing her excellent potato salad, and along with other assorted picnik food and drink that shows up, we will all have a summer BBQ dinner.

The disraction will be welcome for us. As Sherri mentioned, it has been hard this time. As much as we try to stay positive, there are moments when that is really difficult. I have had constant pain the last week requiring Ibuprofen which helps. I am woken frequently by the light sound of gurgling of the subcutaneous fluid over the surgical site. Not sure if it's gurgling in or out.. but the swelling IS getting smaller day by day.

We are scheduled for two appointments this week in Seattle with the Oncologist Tuesday and surgeon on Thursday. So we will of course keep you updated.

The kind and loving words and thoughts are so appreciated. Sher and I are learning so much about the power of Love through this experience. You are all our most beloved teachers.

With Love

Richard

Happy Birthday Dear Richard!!!

2008-05-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Richard's birthday.....and it was a "you can do anything you want" kind of day...where we mainly took care of business, took the dogs swimming and then ended with dinner with Emily, Jason and Betsey. It was the perfect day.....the sun shining, warm, easy to be outside.....

This weekend promises to be a big one for our family. Everyone is gathering to formerly celebrate Rick's birthday on Saturday afternoon. We're planning a barbecue.....and it looks like most of our family will make it.....even his sister, Pam, and her husband from Everett are coming and also Rick's Dad from Wenatchee will be joining us for a few days. All the kids will be home too!!!!!!! And.....I can't forget our Mothers.....they will both be in attendance. Richard is really looking forward to it. I'm wondering, a little, how we're exactly going to handle the whole thing but I think we'll be OK. I know we will be OK.

Of course....everyday seems to bring new issues, challenges, and, thankfully, some beautiful blessings. Honestly....I see my husband struggling a bit and that is horrible to watch. The helplessness I feel and also the fear, at times, can be so intense....breath taking in a way.....He seems to move away from me....very far away.... Yesterday afternoon he got very tired and he stopped talking pretty much....just looked at me as if he had something to say.....but he couldn't collect it all together to put it into words. He'd mumble, "tired" or "hurting", and then just stare at the TV as if that was about all he could muster. Even dinner out seemed exhausting and when we got home I put him in bed, took his temp. (normal), rubbed his little head, and began my prayers to the Universe.........then I called my dear sister and she helped me sort it all out. Phew!!!! This is such a damn trip!!!!! Brain tumors, surgery, cancer, chemotherapy, brain trauma....none of it is easy for the patient. It is a shame....such a horrible shame.

What I know is that we have more moments of grandeur then we do of being lost. What I know is that together we are amazing. What I know is that we are learning to "live" with ALL of this, maybe not fighting it as much, but learning to live with it in a wierdly peaceful sort of way. What I know is that my husband is beautiful and grand. He still is surrounded by such a golden hue...twinkling as he walks, emitting love, joy, compassion. What I know is that he is gathering it all into a very deep space.....to his spirit.....and that he is healing and trying desperately to remain present for this part of the journey. What I know is that we love each other and that it is that love that we are giving others....opening to others....it is way big love....way beautiful love!!!!

Sometimes I know that we are grasping at each other and at the world....hanging on with a fierceness that is exhausting. I'm learning that it isn't necessary to do that.....that lightly touching the world is enough right now. We won't fall away and go to scary places. We are surrounded by hands that are holdinng us, warm that is protecting us from falling away forever. I am sad. I am still in awe that this is happening. I am aware that I am part of a miracle somehow.

Happy Birthday my beloved. You are loved by so many. People are out there watching you in total amazement.....wanting to sit by you and just be with you.

My love to all,

Love Sherri

Finally...a moment!!!

2008-05-12T18:40:00.000-07:00

Richard is all tucked into his favorite chair watching the news...and I'm finally able to collect my thoughts a little bit. My fingers are having a hard time working because my hands, wrists and elbows are pretty sore from knitting non-stop for the last few days. I think I have to take a break from that activity for a while since arthritis hates repetitive movement when it is done in a compulsive, frantic way!!!! The knitting has been a wonderful activity for all the sitting I've been doing....I have to keep busy somehow.... I'm moving on to Soduko however!!!

We really are doing very well considering that my husband just had brain surgery and has six chemotherapy wafers in his head....oozing continual chemotherapy directly to his brain. He's on lots of medication....all aimed at keeping his brain as stable as possible.....things to help with swelling, things to help with pain, things to help control possible seizsure activity, things to help his stomach because of all the other things....Just keeping up with the medicine delivery has been a challenge for me but I think we are doing pretty good.

The hospital experience was amazing. I am so thankful for the support of my sister-in-law and my wonderful step-son Dana. I am also deeply touched by my two beautiful nephews, their wives and children who provided food, wonderful soothing tea and visits that were warm and sosososo lovely. And.......the delivery of the most beautiful cupcakes from Pam's friend Peggy....Oh my gosh that was sososo awesome!!!!! Those cupcakes were worth the extra shot of insulin I had to take!!!!

I continue to be in total awe of the doctors, nurses and other medical professionals that we were working with down at Swedish. Dr. Foltz, Richard's surgeon, is such a warm, loving man....while at the same time being a total genius. We have been so blessed in finding both him and Dr. Mayberg and their staffs. They are all amazing. Richard was tenderly cared for through the entire experience. A couple of times I caught myself tearing up when someone was particularly loving....well to be honest it happened all the time...... All of them were so wonderful.

I have to also comment here on my step-son, Dana. What a wonderful man!!! Prior to Richard's diagnosis Dana has always talked about his weak stomach regarding blood and hospitals. I have had the priviledge of watching this young man face his fears with such courage and grace. During both surgeries Dana has stood beside his Father and I through every scary step. He has been calm, loving, tender, funny, willing to do anything.....but most importantly he has been present with his Dad and with I during some very difficult conversations and procedures. I know how frightening this must be for him....but he is letting himself feel the pain, the fear, the sadness....and he has become one of my heros!!!! I can't thank him enough for being there during the past few days.... He just left this afternoon to return to Seattle and his job....but I knew he was hesitating until the moment he got on the bus..... I promise Dana we will be O.K.......but we will miss you until next weekend!!!!

I am thankful to be home in our little house. We both love it here so much. We have created a haven here and it is the perfect place for Richard to heal.

Thank you everyone for sending your prayers and special thoughts. We felt every one of them.

Love Sherri

Home.. at last

2008-05-11T11:49:00.000-07:00

We made it how about 3:00 PM on Saturday afternoon. Dana served as the driver which gave me a wonderful break in the back seat to snooze an listen to the delightful chatter of my loved one's coming from the front. We were checked out and home in no time after a stop at the Swedish pharmacy for my medications. Dr. Foltz was wonderful stopping by sometimes twice a day to check on us us and admire his stitching job on my head . of which he was VERY proud! This photo was taken while I was in the ICU the evening of the surgery.

I am feeling great.. as you might imagine, the right side of my head feels puffy and sore and I have trouble hearing out that right ear.

I want to thank everyone for the kind and thoughtful words and energy you have sent my way. It really has helped me helped me make it through this experience.

My deepest love and gratitude to all.

Richard

The Day Before We Leave!

2008-05-06T10:33:00.000-07:00

We just heard from Swedish and Richard's surgery is schedule for some time around 12:00 p.m. (high noon...or close to it!) on Thursday. No matter how badly I want time to slow down time just moves faster and faster and I feel like I'm hanging on with all my might as the wind challenges me to stay connected. These last few days have been excruciatingly long and painful as we anticipate this surgery. Richard keeps saying, "It's just brain surgery" but even those words feel pretty awesome to me. Brain Surgery sounds so ominous. I remember Dr. Foltz telling us, last time, that brain surgery really isn't that hard??????? Oh my gosh....how can that be?

I'm trying desperately to provide a little calmness and sanity here at home for Richard. I'm beyond knowing what else I can do when I know that he is feeling so sad about this turn of events. I really think we both thought we would be the exception to how Glioblastomas "usually" act and that Richard was going to fly through this disease with just a blip on our radar. To have a recurrence so soon has been very difficult for both of us....but especially for him.

I keep reminding both of us about the wonderful quality of life that we still have. That seems so worth fighting for. Sometimes cancer is so huge...especially Glioblastoma Brain Cancer but our spirits are huge and together with our families and friends we can continue fighting. I know how hard it is to keep it up.....I see it in his beautiful eyes and in his shoulders as he holds the weight of this so bravely. I try, feebly, to help and to take care of the details...but sometimes that just doesn't feel like enough.

I don't know what will come with this surgery....I mean I'm envisioning my beautiful husband opening his eyes and smiling widely at me...immediately saying that he is OK. I'm envisioning him wiggling all his fingers and toes on command and making his usual request for something cheesy and for a triple tall Starbucks Americano with half & half. I'm envisioning grabbing his beautiful hand and holding it softly.....rubbing his arm....and feeling him squeeze my hand with assurance and warmth. I can't wait to rub his head....he loves that now... I can't wait to look into his soft eyes and see the wisdom and love that always is there. Then I will be O.K. Then we will be O.K. and we can start healing from this phase.

I feel everyone thinking of us and wishing us well. Thank you!!! So many of you have stuck by us through the past eight months.. We have been so blessed with tremendous support and love. It has meant a great deal to both of us. This journey has taught us so much.....but especially about the value of true friendship. As I sit quietly...trying to calm the many thoughts in my head....I often feel a warmth and peace begin to cover me. I know that that is all my beautiful angels sending us well wishes and prayers. It is such a treasure to have all of you so very near.

Love, love, love Sherri

Realization..

2008-05-02T21:42:00.000-07:00

As I said We found out Tuesday that I need another surgery.. no big deal really.. just brain surgery.. ;-(.. Actually, the doc's said that it was much easier the second time.. "just take out a few screws, lift off the plate & I'm there.." I think this means it's easier for him.. don't you think? Actually, it wasn't that hard the first time.. I was only in the hospital for two nights… this time prob.. 1.

It's so hard to believe!!!

2008-05-02T17:36:00.000-07:00

I'm really having a difficult time wrapping my head around preparing for another surgery. If I'm having a hard time, I can only imagine what Richard must be feeling. Since we have been through this once.....one would think that it would be easier......but in actuality......I think because we've been through it once it may be more difficult the second time.

Since our appointment with the neurosurgeons....Foltz & Mayberg (I like to think of them like a well trained vaudeville act....I can just see them with their canes and top hats, doing a little tap dance, singing to Richard as he drifts off to sleep)...I've been working on getting everything lined up and ready to go for next week. I felt a little anxious about doing something different than what the oncologist (Dr. Congdon) had suggested....and I finally spoke to him today and went over the plan. He thinks that since the Swedish team sees surgery as the best option it is an opportunity to see exactly what the abnormal tissue is.. He also agrees with the use of the Glidadel Wafers (scary to me!!!) that will be left laying on the tumor site. He explained that it is the only way to get chemotherapy directly on the active area. In addition he said that chemotherapy is delivered 24/7 for about six weeks and that that is an amazing delivery rate. Apparently there are very few side effects and the wafers just dissolve over time. Hmmmmmmmm. Sounds kind of spooky to me for some reason.

Actually I think this all is pretty alarming right about now. I hate it that Richard has to go through another surgery. I hate it that all of our hard work at creating a tumor free scenario did not work. And I'm really disappointed that we all have to be more afraid and shakey. We can do it...and we'll do it well....but I hate it!!!!

There's so much that I want to share....but I lack any sort of emotion right now. Also it seems that my creative button has been turned off today. I know that this is the Universes way of taking care of me....putting me in "efficiency mode" and letting me avoid the pain for a while. I'm glad that the weekend is here. Richard and I need some time to "let go" and relax. That will feel so good.

A side note is that Richard and I are thinking constantly of our friend Helen whose 32 year old daughter died this week. What a horrible thing....I can't imagine. We are keeping her and her family in our prayers. I love you Helen. I am sending you strength, peace and hope. I know that Jen was a very special woman. I am so sorry.

Namaste my friends. I truly love you all.

Love Sherri

Surgery May 8th

2008-05-01T19:19:00.000-07:00

Sherri surprised me with a night at the Heron B&B in La Conner for our 3ed Anniversary. Here is a pic of our great room with it's giant jetted tub. The next morning we ventured to Swedish to talk with Dr. Mayberg and Dr. Foltz about their reading of my most recent MRI.

We were hoping of course for better, but we returned scheduled for a second surgery next Thursday.

1 in 3 chance it is radiation necrosis, for which they will just sew me up & send me home. 2 in 3 chance it is tumor re-growth, .. they,.. Gregory Foltz will be the primary, and Marc Mayberg will be assisting, will remove the tissue, and place Gliadel wafers on the resection site.

Sherri and I have things planned out up to the surgery date.. and help and support is in the plenty.. for now.

Amazing

2008-04-25T14:01:00.000-07:00

I know that most of you have read Richard's post from this morning...but all morning I've been hearing our blog calling out and I felt like I wanted to post...but also felt a little frightened to post. Right now, I'm trying desperately to keep my wits about me because I know that we will be continually analyzing lots of information over the next two weeks....and I have to be clear and organized. Also...I know that I want to take loving care of my beautiful husband...be totally present with him, savoring every moment of our time together. That will take alot of emotional energy...energy well spent....believe me....it's an honor to stand beside this man through this experience...but I have to remain strong.

The news, yesterday, was truly devastating for all of us. Listening to the grim details of this recurrence was difficult but the worst part was, of course, telling our children, our families and our precious friends. We were able to move through it....together and we are doing O.K....one step at a time.

As we lay in bed last night....we finally cried. It was so wonderfully horrible.....so perfect. We had kept it together until we were safe...and then finally we were able to hold one another and let our hearts open with the pain and agony that has to be controlled most of the time as we march forward in this war against brain cancer. I don't know if my heart, my mind, my soul, my spirit has every hurt that badly. Now as I write this I really don't know if this pain can even be described at all. But laying, safely, in my husband's arms...I knew that I wanted to be no where else on earth. Even though the pain and sadness was horrible, I knew that by doing this I was going to be fine.....

Humorously....I know I am strong and capable...amazingly so....and I try to be BIG and TOUGH. Sometimes I can get pretty cocky about my strength through difficult situations. But I always have these barometers in my life that seem to keep me in check. I just went in to check my blood sugar before I eat lunch and it was over 400 (normal is 75-100)....oops. In my haste to get to the cancer center this morning...for our last appointment with the clinical trial nurse.....I forgot to give my long-acting insulin injection.....that and the stress make my blood sugars very brittle. HMMMMMM....I can pretend....but I always have reality smacking me in the face. I guess that on some level that is good.

My love today is so very close....love for Richard, my family, my precious friends, my dogs and the cat that really doesn't like me much.....I'm just full of love. I am touched by the care and warmth that is being sent our way....I can literally feel it, deep in my soul. Please take a moment and touch the ones you love this weekend....do it for us!!!! Let our experience remind all of us about the importance of love.........

I am holding you all very near.

Blessings,

Sherri

MRI report , new challenges

2008-04-25T07:39:00.000-07:00

It was a difficult day. The 4/22 MRI does show findings consistent with recurrence. Dr. Congdon is hopeful and says there are some good options for treatment. His office is setting up appointments with Cyber-knife and neuro-surgical offices at Swedish in Seattle. I will need different chemo-therapy and will be dropped from the RTOG 2025 clinical trial. It apparently was not working anyway.. The Temador does prevent tumor growth in some people, but apparently not all.

We thank you all for your continued prayers and support and will keep you posted on developments as they arise.

With Love

Richard

Today is MRI day!!!

2008-04-23T10:46:00.001-07:00

I have been suffering from a horrible case of PMS (pre-MRI-syndrome)....which means...not sleeping well, having trouble with motivation, very emotional, craving fish-n-chips, spending long moments staring at Richard, spending long moments doing absolutely nothing and participating in lots of household wandering. I know it will be over soon....but right now soon can't come fast enough. Richard's MRI is at 3:30 followed by some more bloodwork and then an evening, home together staying as busy as possible.

What a ride!!! That's all I can say. This past month has been more difficult than the others which I know is due to the "enhancement" on the last MRI and the concern that has followed. Richard has been, I believe, feeling more down.....well.....I know he has because he has said so. Maybe we have come to a place of acceptance...especially the acceptance of what a "long" journey this is going to be and an acceptance of the challenge to keep moving forward in the manner that we both want to. Looking back....it has been absolutely exhausting for both of us....but especially for Richard.

I wish that "loving" was enough....if that were so...we both would be sailing through this with ease. But sometimes the fear, the lack of clarity, the inability to make plans, the way this has made us sosososo different from other's....sometimes our love isn't enough.... I've come to accept that nothing will make these moments of struggle easier.....just trusting that it will pass is what gets us through.

Richard is so tired...from the effects of the chemo, the radiation and even,,.still...the brain surgery. He is weak, has lost weight, is mentally weary...and seems to cherish those moments of quiet. But yet I feel his frustration with his lack of stamina...his inability to do all the things he use to do. I try, desperately, to help pick up the slack...so that maybe he won't notice the things that have gone "undone"....but I, too, seem limited these days in the area of energy. He still remains such a teacher.....He sighs...and then reminds me how important contentment is as part of this journey. We've done enough, we have enough, we are enough.......

Pray for Richard today....as he travels into that scary machine....and has his picture taken. I feel you loving us....that is what truly is giving us strength to continue. We love you all....so much......

Love Sherri

La la Monday, Monday!!!!

2008-04-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

Look at these precious pictures. My nephew Christoper and his beautiful wife Kim stopped by on their visit to see my sister in Blaine. They brought Nevia...our great niece...and Emily, Richard and I ooooohed and aaaaahed all over her. It was a magical visit. My nephew and his wife are such awesome people. I am very proud of them. I know how busy they are. It meant so much to have them take the time to bring Nevia to see us. My heart was so full the entire time they were with us. Watching my nephew tend to his family was quite moving and his wife is a tender, sweet Mommy who so is refreshing, calm and confident.

And the baby...I cannot tell you how magical it was to have a beautiful, wise baby in the house. She is amazing (I know...all babies are amazing...but this one is pretty special). I can't even begin to share with you the emotions I felt when Richard picked her up and began playing with her. It was as if I was watching one wise soul speaking to another. She saved all her grins and giggles for Uncle Richard and we all watched in awe. Emily was the photographer....and I think she caught the absolute miracle of the moments with Nevia. It was a blessed afternoon with them.

As most of you know....I spent four days away at an art retreat called ArtFest! This is a huge event (600 in attendance from all over the world) and I had made reservations to go way before Richard got sick. I won't write about the details of the time there (Maybe I will write all about it on my other blog) but I must tell you about "the going", my reasoning and my feelings while I was away.

I am learning the importance of taking care of myself as we progress through this journey. To that end I felt like it was almost mandatory that I go to ArtFest. I felt like I needed to immerse myself into something totally different than what has been going on in our lives recently. The decision to go was not an easy one.......and up until we left I still was feeling unsettled.....but at the same time I knew it was important for Rick and I to spend some time apart. The message to Rick was such an important one...."I believe that you are well....and that you can take care of yourself, our home, the animals, etc..... I see you as capable and strong." That message was equally as important for me.

I had a blast at ArtFest. I was surrounded by loving friends the whole time and I met many amazing people. But....whew.....I missed Richard, our home and our family. Dana and Emily were with their Dad (thank you guys....I love you both so much!!!!) and when I spoke to Richard I could tell that he was having a great time.....but oh my gosh....I missed him, them!!!! I loved my time away. ArtFest is known to be life changing and exhausting. I came home very tired but very anxious to put my arms around my husband. The homecoming was heavenly.

I will write more later.....lots to share....but for now the sun is shining.....Jamaica is barking at the door and I want to get this posted.

I love you all! Blessings!

Sherri

Scary Visit with Dr Congdon

2008-03-30T22:29:00.000-07:00

Friday was a little scary, as we reviewed the MRI results with my Oncologist. In the report, as Sherri noted in her last entry, there was an area of "enhancement" noted in this MRI which was not noted on the previous MRI report in January,.. Dr Thompson, remembered that the same area was noted on the post-op MRI last October, so he had an addendum added in which the current area was measured and compaired to the post op.. and it is smaller and less enhanced now than in the Post-Op MRI.. However, Dr Congdon does want monthly MRI's done for at least 3 months to monitor this spot..

Both physicians, Sherri and I all feel feel that it is nothing to worry about.. just some scar tissue from the surgery or .. now enhanced because of ??????.

Live On! Love On! Happy Spring!

P.S. It snowed 3" here in Bellingham Saturday.. March 29th.. !!!
Love to all

Richard

MRI Results!!!

2008-03-27T12:08:00.000-07:00

Richard and I just got home from seeing the head of the clinical trial manager (Dr. Thompson, Richard's radiologist) and his assistant (Cheryl....who is really the manager :)!!!). We were given the results of yesterday's MRI!!! The MRI looked very good...excellent in fact!!!! The area of enhancement that was noted in the last MRI looked even smaller and there is no new tumor growth. We are breathing a huge sigh of relief and total joy!!!!

We both went into this MRI feeling like everything was going to be stable and fine....but no matter how strong our belief is....I think we both still worry.....I know we both worry. Faith is such a hard thing to maintain...even when your belief is so clear and strong. And....as our journey continues (now almost seven months) the worry is always close.

Yesterday, as they took Richard through the door to the MRI machine, he turned around and looked at me, an eye piercing look, for just a moment. I smiled back trying desperately to send him positive assurance as he again entered that big, noisy tube and went through the procedure. It's amazing...how I still get choked up as he bravely faces each of these hurdles. I have such pride and admiration for him as he continues through this journey. He is my warrior.

Todays blood work showed some concern regarding the lymphocyte levels. This is what they really watch over the course of the chemo. He's having to go back in and do some more bloodwork.....He says, "Oh well....another poke". We see the oncologist in Everett tomorrow so we will have more news about all that then. They really watch all his bloodwork very closely. I am sosososo glad. We have an amazing team. I am so thankful.

Richard reported to the doctor today that he was feeling more tired. He also said that the nausea levels have required two anti-nausea pills on some days. He has loss around ten pounds....his appetite has definately changed. He's only working about 30 hours a week at this point...which is incredible compared to other chemo patients. On the whole he is quite the specimen if you ask me.

So...we march forward....gleaning as much from this experience as possible. We are thankful for so much. I think we are getting better at "living" with our situation and we're both making good choices in honoring our committment to loving one another, being in the present moment, getting rest, exercising, eating well and remembering, at all times, our many blessings.

Thank you for continuing to hold us in your thoughts. Everyone's prayers and beliefs in Richard's total recovery are working miracles here on East Maplewood. We carry your light with us daily.

Love Sherri

RV

2008-03-18T20:58:00.000-07:00

Sherri and I decided to take a little get away trip in our RV (Thanks DAD). It was the second time that we had used it, the first being last September just a couple weeks before my diagnosis. This did not enter my mind throughout the entire weekend and we, along with Sherri's sister, Jodi and her husband, Richard enjoyed a real RV weekend at Padilla Bay. Padilla bay is across near Anecdotes (and an oil refinery) and jut 30 miles from our home in Bellingham. We are lucky to live in such a beautiful part of the country. We also saw several eagles, one in a tree about 30 feet away, and a family of five soaring high overhead. We had wonderful walks on the beach and to a nearby wildlife preserve. We ate delicious food and are looking forward to many more get aways this summer. Here are some photo's from the trip.

Love

2008-03-13T12:11:00.000-07:00

The days and weeks go flying by. It's so hard to believe that it has been almost six months since Richard's diagnosis. It seems like yesterday when I was sitting in Dr. Goodman's office hearing that my beloved husband had a brain tumor. I think, maybe, just a little bit, I may be coming out of the shock of the news and the events that followed.

It has been such a hard time....so challenging in so many ways........... Yet....it has also been such a blessed time. How can that be? And is it those two extremes that make me often feel like I am not part of this world anymore....as if I can't relate.....as if I don't fit in? My main teacher has not been the brain tumor....or the removal of it....but my Teacher has been Richard and also my own inner heart....the tumor has only given me a reason to listen and pay attention to every detail.

Richard is a natural teacher. He teaches by example....always..... He moves and acts with an awareness of humanity that is absolutely amazing. He truly is always asking....what would love do in this situation...and given that parameter he moves, makes decisions, acts with "light". I am often standing in awe of his depth of compassion and sensitivity....and in the congruency between his beliefs and his actions. To say I love him seems like such an understatement.

I have learned, too, that I am strong and capable. I'm not afraid of loving anymore....not just Richard....but truly moving through my days taking risks, listening, looking people in the eye, letting myself feel their own struggles, triumphs, happiness and fears and trusting that I have an inner wisdom that I can trust and rely on. All my fears are slowly growing smaller....and my ability to be genuine seems to be taking over. It isn't easy.....sometimes I am so overwhelmed and frightened I feel totally frozen....but if I find my heart, my soul, my "being"...I find the way...just for me....no one elses way....but my own. And I have to believe that that is right.

My favorite times, of course, are times when Richard and I are together...feeling easy in our experience.....talking, laughing, telling stories, making plans.....but mainly I love listening to him and being moved by his wisdom, his true loving nature, his committment to creating a reality of love, nuturance and health.

There are always the moments where my breath is totally taken away by the thoughts that someday I may have to experience a life without this man. I become frozen thinking that I may not always have him beside me. The fear is huge, dark and cold.....and so intense. And I don't believe that those moments will ever grow easier or even lessen in their occurence. I'm coming to accept that they are part of this total journey that we are on.

Sometimes these thoughts make me afraid that I'm losing my focus, my strength....but I'm learning that it is because of the depth of my strength and love that I am led to these places and that I will be OK. I'm learning to let myself "feel" it all....the good and the bad. I guess I'm learning to believe that you can't have one without the other. My breath seems to get me through these times....I can't run fast enough to get away from these thoughts....but I've become aware that sitting with them is not all that bad.

I love "tending" to Richard....the little things....getting him water, helping him take off his shoes, bringing the covers up around his neck when he has the chills, pulling his little hat down over his ears so he stays warm. I need to touch him....just simply.....my hand on his cheek, reaching out and touching his arm at night...not to wake him....but just to feel his warmth and his presence, holding hands, sitting in the chair with him as we watch TV, nuzzling his neck with my nose taking in his wonderful smell, rubbing his little bald head, rubbing my foot along his leg. It's these moments that my hands are the most tender....loving, nuturing, speaking...saying I love you. I've never been aware of that language....I am thankful I am learning it now.

We are doing well as we become more familiar with this journey. We are learning how to live with chemotherapy, bloodwork, anticipated MRIs, antibiotics, lots of pills, wierd food cravings, a new quietness in our lives. We continue to be so thankful for all of you.....we feel you thinking of us....you are part of our strength.

My love, Sherri

Another day.

2008-03-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

A quick update for you.. I thank Sherri for keeping up the blog, her writing is so good. I am now in my 3ed cycle of Temador, 200 mg day for 21 days. I am scheduled for a MRI on the 26th of March, and feel very confident that it will be clean with no evidence of regrowth.. seem that with most GBM patients, they are fine as log a they keep taking the Temador.. I am getting a little carry over nausea during the days sometimes, by my Zofran works excellent for that (as it should for $25.00 a tablet. I nap in the afternoons, and that along with walking if helping the fatigue.. (Sherri and I and our dogs did 4.5 miles on Saturday)

My love to all and keep those positive vibes coming.. they really are working!

Richard

The second round of chemo is over!!!!

2008-02-28T18:58:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone!!! I hope this post finds you all healthy and happy. The sun has been shining and that seems like such a blessing. We've all made it through another winter in the Pacific Northwest. I noticed tonight that it was still light out past 5:30. Oh....I felt so happy!!!!

Richard finished his second round of chemotherapy last Friday evening. This time, during his week off, he continued taking the anti-nausea medication and he has done much better than last time. However.....he still is extremely tired and suffers some of the other side effects of the chemo.....cold chills, foggy brain, lack of appetite. He and I still feel so confident that this regime is the right one....and so when we start feeling down about how he feels we just remember the little "pac-men" (our chemo visualization that we've come up with) traveling around his brain searching for and chomping up any little cancer cells that may have survived through surgery, radiation and chemo.

Because of his suppressed auto-immune system (another chemo side effect) Richard has now caught a nasty bug that has morphed into strep throat!!!! I just can't believe it....chemo AND strep throat!!! That just seems so wrong. Our doctor immediately (today) put him on huge antibiotics....the big guns....so hopefully he'll be feeling better soon. People who take Temador (his specific type of chemo therapy) are very prone to lung infections and so he's been on a low dose antibiotic ever since he's been in the clinical trial.....but apparently those nasty little cold/strep bugs weren't deterred and were able to infect him anyway. Boy are they sorry now!!!!

The hardest part for both of us is to maintain our focus. Given our belief that our thoughts create our reality we try desperately to continue to believe that Richard is going to be a long term survivor of this brain cancer. However....we both are very aware of the seriousness of his disease and of the sad statistics that are published. We definately hold each other up....as daily we read about sad cases of glioblastoma, level 4 brain cancer. We remind each other of the successful surgery that Richard had where ALL of the tumor and margins were removed. And we remember the fabulous team that has put together the radiation and chemo therapy protocol for Richard's specific case. In addition, we hang onto the words of all of Rick's doctors who have told us that he is in the best possible statistical group. And then we look into each other's eyes and remember how much we love each other and how we have so much more to do here together. Three short years of marriage is not enough. We constantly assure one another that truly our hearts tell us that Richard will be a long term survivor!!! That's exactly how we get back on track. Exactly!!!!!

This week has been particularly difficult because we heard about a well known neurologist who lost his battle with GBM. This man was on the cutting edge of glioblastoma research, working on a new type of chemo therapy that is looking at using vaccines in treatment. Amazingly and sadly after years into his research he was, himself, diagnosed with a GBM three years ago. He had two years of tumor free MRIs after a vert aggressive treatment protocol of surgery, radiation and chemo therapy. During the past year he experienced tumor regrowth. After a valiant fight he died earlier in the week. This news hit us hard. It has given us time to, once again, evaluate our decisions and our tactics and again we have resumed our "walk in faith", holding one another's hands tightly.

My angels.... please continue sending Richard prayers of healing light. He is treasured by so many.

Love to you all!

Love Sherri

A sunnny day in Bellingham!

2008-02-17T16:32:00.000-08:00

The sun is shining brightly and the skies are an amazing blue!!! It seems as though Spring has arrived. That is exactly how people in Bellingham react to our first sunny, warmish day. Everyone goes outside, puts on their cropped pants, dusts off their gardening gloves and gets ready for Spring. It's quite disappointing when the sunshine is just a tease.....but for right now we are all playing outside, spreading our arms wide and letting the rays sink into our pale, white skin. It truly is beautiful!!!

Since the weather man forecasted Sun for Sunday Richard has been planning a short motorcycle ride. He's been so excited about it and I've been praying all week that he would be able to take one. I got a huge catch in my throat as I watched him come up the driveway on his bike....with this huge, beautiful grin on his face. A few short months ago I was so frightened that he wouldn't be able to ride his bike again......but today he didn't skip a beat. He was gone for about a half hour and he came in the house smelling of fresh air and leather. He is my miracle man for sure.

We went to see Dr. Congdon (the oncologist) on Friday. Richard had a particularly rough week with the side effects of the chemo. He seemed to really struggle with fatigue and cold chills. He spent alot of time resting.....and also talked alot about how to do this chemo thing while still maintaining some control and normalcy.

I chose to stay close to home during the evenings and even canceled my journaling class. He didn't really need me....but the side effects, at times feel huge. There's absolutely nothing I can do but remain close by, trying to feed him, getting water, blankets, and just being there if he wants to talk. Those are the moments I treasure....the times we just talk. I will never tire of our conversations....about creating our new normal, about our plans for the future, about house projects, about how to cope, etc. Those times are when I know we are a true partnership.

We continue to feel the prayers and thoughts of so many people. Thank you for thinking of us.

Love Sherri

Time goes on and on.....

2008-02-09T11:27:00.000-08:00

Before I know it....weeks have gone by and I realize that my writing has been ignored totally. I feel so strongly about keeping everyone informed of Richard's situation....you have all done so much for us...I feel like I want to communicate with everyone as much as I can. But then glorious life seems to happen, time seems to fly and my days get all lumped up. It's such a busy world....even fighting and beating brain cancer can't seem to slow it down!!!

I sit here, at my computer, listening to the rain and also listening to my precious cat's purr as she sits next to me nudging me to keep working and to take intermittent breaks to pet her and take a deep breath. My animals seem to remind me of the important things...stopping, attending, breathing, looking into eyes not just looking at whole faces. They often seem to be my best teachers. I am grateful that they don't lose patience with my stubborness regarding learning to slow down and do the important things.

Richard is laying down....he takes lots of time during our weekends to rest. I am so pleased that he feels well enough to work as much as he is. I know it is sosososo important to him. I support him everyday as he walks out that door because I know that at work he feels successful, important, needed, valued. All of that is so wonderful for him right now. But I am also so thankful for our time at home together. I keep myself busy in my studio while he rests....but his spirit seems to fill the house....I can touch his presence.....it means the world to me to just have him near.

I feel teary today as I write this...I don't know why...honestly...the tears don't seem to have a logic or a predictableness to their arrival...they just come. When I'm home and alone...I let them come. I've never let that happen before. But this time, now, it seems so important...that I even welcome my moments of reflection, tears, fullness, emotions. Slowly, over the past five months, I have learned that the tears will stop and that often I will be left with a re-welling of strength and focus. That is good. That is something to not be afraid of.

On the whole I think Richard is doing fabulously with his chemotherapy. He is starting his second week of his second month and the side effects seem to be tolerable. The fatigue is the hardest thing for him to deal with....mainly because it is such a different type of tired for him. But he is learning that resting, napping, sitting does help....and so he is letting himself do that. His appetite has also been strange lately...nothing seems appealing at times. But I can be a very creative cook....and his Mom tempts him with her precious comfort foods. Between the two of us....Rick is eating!!!!!

The biggest news for Richard is that he's joined a motorcycle group called, "Bikers Fighting Cancer". At first Richard was hesitant....but he was invited to one of their meetings and he has continued to communicate with some of the members. They are so beautifully supportive...I can't believe it. I am so thankful for their tender e-mails and words of encouragement. They're wonderful people and would drop everything if Richard needed them. They've asked Richard to take a motorcycle trip with them in August to a HUGE motorcycle rally in Sturgis, North Dakota. I believe that Richard is planning on joining them. I think that is sosososo awesome!!! (No I will not be going with him......I've ridden across Montana once on a motocycle.....my butt and I will NEVER do that again!!!! Anyway....this feels like a guy event!!! I'm thrilled for him!)

Here is a picture of our sweet cat, Mia. As you can tell....our life here on East Maplewood is pretty comfortable for all of us!!!!

We love you all!!!!

Blessings, Sherri

Chemo News!!!

2008-01-30T17:08:00.001-08:00

We've had beautiful snow this week!!! But before it hit it was bitterly cold. On Saturday we took the dogs out for a walk and we all had a blast. Richard throws the ball for them and they run back and forth about 100 times, never tiring of the chase. Mali, of course, is on the constant hunt for water and when she finds it she just wallows in it. At one point she layed in this huge mud puddle and she was totally covered with brown, gooey mud. On our way back to our house she took a much
needed swim in the creek and got all cleaned off. I think you can
see how cold Richard was. That little bald head of his loses alot of heat. He was a trooper though. He and I walked about 2 miles. The dogs must have walked about 10. Oh to have their energy.

The second picture was of a fairy place. I think we probably interrupted some fairy loving because it was still warm. Doesn't it look cozy? I love finding these little fairy places in the forests of the Pacific Northwest. It's quite magical! (Come on everyone; let me have my little fantasies!!!! Richard plays along with me. I love that about him.)

Richard has been off of his chemo since Saturday; however I believe that the side effects have been more troublesome as the week has gone on. The fatigue is bad and very uncomfortable for himn. He had stopped taking the anti-nausea medication because he thought that without the chemo he wouldn't need it.....but it has become obvious that the chemo is still in his system because he is experiencing some nausea. Today we met with the clinical trial coordinator (Cheryl...our Angel). At the end of every 21 day round of chemo Richard will meet with her and fill out a questionaire regarding how the chemo is affecting his daily living. I think our talk was very beneficial because Cheryl was able to spend alot of time talking about Richard's concerns and answering his questions.

They, of course, think Richard is amazing (I could have told them that). They are amazed that he is able to work as much as he is; however can see that that is about all he is able to do right now and she expressed concern that he may be working too much. I believe that after their discussion today Richard will be looking at his work situation to see if he can cut back a little. He is very tired and has little energy for those things that he knows are good for him and that he loves (physical exercise, tai chi, seeing friends and family, messing around in his "he-barn" etc.). I anticipate that he will be constantly reviewing and adjusting his work schedule as he feels he should. He's so good at taking care of himself.

According to the clinical trial's protocols Richard will be INCREASING his chemo this month to a dose that he will stay on for the remaining five months. I'm not sure if he and I are happy about this. I think we're cautiously happy...but worry that the side effects may get worse. We believe that he is so strong and that he's doing everything right. We believe that the "icky stuff" will be manageable.

In other news, I've started teaching again.....and that feels wonderful. I believe, strongly, in the power of creativity in people's lives. I feel so honored that I get to help people learn to play with images, colors and textures. I literally get to watch people's spirits soar with expression. It is so fun!!!!

I hope all is well with everyone. Your warmth, love, thoughts and prayers are so appreciated. We love you all!!! Be happy and healthy!!!!

Love Sherri

Baby, It's cold outside!!!!

2008-01-23T15:42:00.000-08:00

We've been having some really cold weather here in the Pacific Northwest. This afternoon when I took the dogs down to the lower portion of our property to play ball much of the grass was still frosty. The dogs love to go down there and play. Our lower field is huge and they could chase the ball all day. I've gotten quite proficient at using the "tosser" and can throw the ball way out there. Usually, when Mali is able to catch the ball, she runs wildly for the creek with Jazzy following her, barking and yipping all the way. Today, even though it was freezing, Mali still headed for her beloved water. She even layed down in the creek and rested for a while!!! BRRRRRR!!! Jazzy will follow her into the water reluctantly and only to steal the ball in order to bring it back to me. I think the pictures are darling. Jamaica simply goes outside to go to the bathroom and then races back to the door. It is way too cold for him!!!

An update on Richard is that he continues to do pretty well on the temador. His last dose, for this round, will be on Friday and then he has seven precious nights off of it. His biggest complaint so far is that there is an increase in his fatigue. He's also is experiencing some wierd symptoms that are difficult for him to explain (maybe more flu-like symptoms???) but he seems to be hanging in there. He does more blood work tomorrow. According to the results of this bloodwork they will decide whether to increase the chemo dose or not. I don't know whether to wish for a dose increase or not.

We both remain very confident that this is exactly what we should be doing. We are still so blessed to be working with the team of doctors that have truly been brought to us. I know that Rick is getting tremendous medical care and that we are stomping the HECK out of any cancer cells that possibly could have survived major brain surgery, intense radiation and a 6 week round of temador chemo therapy.

His little noggin' is still hairless in spots and he has chosen to keep shaving it. I think he looks darling. He looks sosososo awesome in his hats and has taken to rubbing his head all the time. It must

feel good to him. I love rubbing his head. To me it is a treasure!!!

Thank you for your continued support and well wishes. We feel your positive energy and prayers. I hold my friends and family so very close. I don't know what we would do without all of you.

Blessings and love,

Sherri

A trip to Seattle!!!

2008-01-15T13:46:00.000-08:00

Today I took a break from everything and went on the train to Seattle with my 89 year old Mother. We went to meet my sister and her husband (Richard!!!) and then to go see my new Great Niece, Nevina Faline. The train ride was pretty magical. Just being able to spend 2 1/2 hours with my Mom with absolutely no interruptions other then the beautiful views was a treat!!!! We chatted and really enjoyed the scenery as the conductor did the driving for us. The train is a wonderful way to travel.

We were met at the station by Jodee, Richard and my other great niece, Ruby (age 3). Ruby is darling and she and I are getting to know each other. I, unfortunately, don't ge to see her often enough. When I do it is always a very special time for me. I love her pure joy and twinkle. I think she and I are kindred spirits somehow. She gets me!!! I love that!

Seeing my nephew Chris and his wife Kim was such great experience. The baby is beautiful. Such a gift to our family. When Chris walked out with her my breath was taken away. She is a beautiful baby....peaches and cream complexion, beautiful eyes and little "rose bud" lips that are so sweet. Our family does make gorgeous babies. I couldn't believe that she was just four days old. Kim looked absolutely beautiful too!!!! She was so positive about the whole experience of giving birth and of now being a mother. She was sosososo gracious in welcoming us. Chris and Kim are both going to be awesome parents. Here are some pictures of my Mom with Nevina and also my Mom with my nephew Chris. In the first picture you can see a little bit of Ruby. I wish I had gotten one of just her. She is quite a treasure.

I've always been so proud of my nephews, Chris and Anthony. They are wonderful men. It has been such a blessing for me to be able to watch them move throughout life. They're actually quite incredible...... They are now working together, along with Anthony's wife Andrea, at their tea shop called Remedy. I love it there and I love the concept that they have come up with. They are amazing.

After we saw Kim and the baby for a while, we all went out for lunch and met my other nephew Anthony (Ruby's Daddy). We had such a good time during our meal. I tried to get caught up with Anthony......and I loved watching him as a parent with Ruby. Wow!!!!! He is incredible with her. So loving and warm, always reaching for those teachable moments, so proud of her.... He is raising a wonderful little girl and I can see him throughout so much of her own personality.

We also stopped at the tea shop to enjoy a cup of my favorite tea (Red Satin) and to see Andrea (Ruby's Mommy). Oh my gosh!!!!! She is such a gifted woman and I was so glad to see her. She is sweet, compassionate and sincere. I love her smile and her confidence. I wish I could be as comfortable in my own skin as she is. She is amazing!!!!

I was thankful for the day. I'm sosososo proud of my family and love them deeply. Sometimes my love for them literally brings me to tears. I can't explain it....but they all are so important to me and don't think I have yet found the words to express that to them. They have all been a wonderful support to Richard and I. I love them so much!!!!

Blessings,

Sherri

A Special Day in January!!!

2008-01-09T12:25:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write and let everyone know how Richard is doing on his chemotherapy!!! He began the regime on Saturday evening. I am pleased to announce that he is doing quite well. He has no nausea (with the anti-nausea medication) and has been able to work full-time!!! He is the miracle man for sure. I've noticed that he seems more tired but so far that hasn't interrupted his life in any way. He is amazing! (How many times have I said that since this roller-coaster ride began????? Not enough...that I know for sure!)

Richard went to see Dr. Congdon (no!!! not Condom!!!), his oncologist, this week. The doctor went on and on about how wonderful Richard is doing. I missed the trip (a sick tummy) but Richard's Mom went in my place. Pam also joined them for the visit. She is such a blessing! Dr. Congdon is definately one of our favorites. He is so kind and gentle. I guess Rick's Mom instantly had a crush on him!!!!

I wanted to include some pictures of our Holidays. I know these are very late....but they are so precious to me; I wanted to share them with you. Pictures and memories have a whole new meaning for me now. I need to have pictures of everything to the point of obnoxiousness. It feels sosososo important!

When we arrived at my sister and brother-in-law's house for Christmas Eve Richard (my brother-in-law...I know it's confusing) had his collection of baseball caps on the table for my Richard to choose from. It was the most touching thing!!! Richard Arnold has been collecting these caps for years and wanted to supply my Richard with as many as he wanted for his sweet, little bald head. Richard and I were very touched. Of course one of Richard's choices was the hat with a stuffed Husky Dog Head on it!!!! Do you like my Richard's Santa robe????? He looked quite festive!

Our new house looked so beautiful with all of our Christmas decorations! It truly is "home"!!!

Here we are on Christmas day!!! That's Jamaica in my arms! Doesn't Richard's unhair look great!!! He's so cute....he rubs his head all the time....I do too :)!

Alex has always loved dogs and I think he and Mali have an amazing bond. She's such a little puppy. She loves it when her brothers and sisters come home for a visit.

On Christmas day we had a wild game of "Taboo". I'm pleased to report that Emily and I won the game!!!!!

Here's the Family. What a lovely group we are!!!! Richard looks so happy. I think he is most happy when he is surrounded by all his family.

On the Friday of the week of Christmas Dana bought us tickets to the Omni Cinema at the Seattle Science Center and the Underground Seattle Tour. It was a fabulous day. We all had so much fun!!! It was such a thoughtful and perfect Christmas present. Dana is the head you see between Richard and Emily. He got the short chair!!!

Well....I guess that is it for now. We are anxiously awaiting the arrival of a new great niece. My nephew Chris and his wife Kim are having a baby very soon. She is in labor RIGHT NOW!!! Oh my gosh!!!!!

Our News!!!

2008-01-03T16:24:00.000-08:00

We just got home from the doctors....and I wanted to let everyone know the results of the MRI that was taken yesterday!!! First of all...may I say that Richard has the most beautiful brain in the world. The doctor showed us the pictures and I was totally in awe of the sparkles that I could see dusted throughout all of his "matter"!!!! The doctor reported that Richard's brain shows NO SIGN OF TUMOR GROWTH!!!!!! It's clean and shiny and the only things there are the things that are suppose to be there!!!! ALLEUIA!!!!!

We were also told, at this appointment, that Richard will be on the experimental arm of the Temador trial. That means that he will receive chemo for 21 days and then will have 7 days off. On this arm he will actually be receiving more chemo but it will be spread out over 21 days. The first month he will be on the same amount of chemo he has been on....during month two they may bump him up. This regime will last for six months. At that point they will re-evaluate and he could take six more months if it is needed. His next MRI will be at the end of March.

Because he is no longer receiving the radiation Richard will be able to take his chemo at any time during the day. It is recommended that he take it at bedtime with a Zofran (the anti-nausea medication). Hopefully, that will take care of most of the nausea. Our insurance company has OK'd two Zofran a day so if he does have nausea he can have more medication. The rest of the side effects of the chemo are the same as before.

Richard really wants to work full time. Of course that has me worried a little since I know that he struggled with fatigue when he took the Temador before...but my husband is amazingly determined. We'll just have to see how he does. He knows himself very well and I trust that he'll be smart about the amount of work he does.

I am feeling so happy!!!! Again.....an affirmation of the power of collective, positive thinking and creation. I felt you all with us yesterday and today (actually I've been aware of a warm, glowing precence throughout this whole experience)! I know that together we are creating this miracle. Thank you for remembering us and for holding us close.

I believe that Richard has so much left to do on this Earth. He is such a teacher. His tenderness and sensitivity makes him such a powerful leader. His unassuming precence helps people approach him, tell him their own stories and then listen to his words. His belief and faith are incredible. He is smart. He is sososo funny. He is creative. Everything that has happened in his life has prepared him for this experience and through this experience he continues to be a leader and a model.

This evening I am full of joy....joy for Richard's health. I'm going to light candles everywhere tonight....seeing each one of you in their glow.

Love Sher

No convincing evidence of recurrent tumor!

2008-01-03T14:42:00.000-08:00

I am at work, but just had to share the good news!!!

From the radiology report of the MRI yesterday

"Decreased enhancement about the margin of the resection cavity of the glioblastoma multiforme in the right temporal region. This indicates resolving postoperative changes. No convincing evidence of recurrent tumor at this time."

Love to All..

Richard

Today is Richard's MRI!!!

2008-01-02T10:01:00.000-08:00

I'm taking some time out this morning to write a little entry regarding Richard's MRI which is scheduled for today. We will get the results tomorrow at an afternoon doctor's appointment with his radiologist. We are anticipating absolutely no problems....however.....I know....by now, I feel like I know it intimately, the power of thoughtful creation....and so I would like to invite everyone to join us in creating a positive result from these tests. I've been seeing his brain full of healthy brain tissue and the place where the tumor was is full of twinkling stars...fascinating in their shimmer and beauty. I've also been seeing his body as warm, filled with bright beautiful colors....a place where only "good" can be made. When I look in Rick's eyes....I see such strength and courage. I wish you all could have that quiet strength living with you.... It is an awesome experience living with a man who moves with such an amazing faith. He has no need to question anything.....He just believes!!!!

I have joined an on-line support group. In some respects it has been an answer to prayer for me because I have found a community that really understands the journey of a caregiver of people with GBMs. However, daily, I am also reminded of the ugliness of the world of GBMs and the devastatinng affects they can have on people and their families. Being the caregiver of a brain trauma patient can be very different from caring for patients with other illnesses. When the brain is involved there are many nuances that are there....that many wouldn't even notice....but that are glaring for the patient and the caregiver. Assisting the brain trauma patient is an art (I am learning!!!) and I'm so relieved that I have found a place where I can ask questions, gain knowledge, receive support for my struggles and talk openly with people who understand.

After reading so many testimonials from the caregiver group I have become aware of all the many miracles of our own journey. Most GBMs truly are not so limited to one chamber of the brain....and typically, after surgery, there is tumor left or there is significant brain damage where the person must recover from many serious deficits. Richard was so blessed in many ways....his tumor was isolated to his right temporal lobe, they got it all, plus margins all around it, he came away from the surgery with minimal deficits, we found an amazing surgeon and subsequently a fabulous radiologist and oncologist, he qualified for a great clinical trial, and he tolerated the radiology and first round of chemo with only some complications. All those things put him in an excellent, statistical place.

Our job now is to face this next round of tests and then move into the heavier round of chemo with the same strength and determination.....but mostly with the same mindfulness and thought. We can do it!!!!! At times it feels daunting....but then I remember the MANY blessings that have come to us, the things we have learned, the grace that seems to blanket our home and the beautiful angels that have stuck by us....and I know we can do anything.

Thank you again......you are our light!!!!! Keep shining and loving!!!

Love Sherri

Christmas 2008

2007-12-27T16:03:00.000-08:00

Richard and I spent the week before Christmas suffering with the Noro Virus!!! Man.....that was a meaningful experience for a husband and wife to share. I am way too cute to have something as ugly as this virus. Richard, of course, handled it with grace while I had to whimper around for a number of days....whining and extending the virus further than most. It seems that with my diabetes any kind of "illness" hangs on with me. Noro and I got way too close, however...Both Richard and I were very glad to see her go!!!!

Our son Alex turned 24 on December 21st!!!! We were able to go over to Orcas Island (such a beautiful place) to visit him for the evening of his birthday. Since we had to bring Noro too, our visit was short.....but we had sosososo much fun with Alex. We were able to take him and his friend Will (a wonderful guy) out for a fabulous dinner at Deer Harbor and then just spend the evening with Alex....seeing his new computer shop and the house where he lives. He seems so happy and centered. He has a new job at the Orcas Market and is settling in to all those new responsibilities. It was a wonderful visit.

Christmas Eve and Christmas were very special. This year it felt sososo important to have a GREAT Christmas....which can often lead to a lot of stress. Being sick helped me realize, once again, the importance of relationships, family and friends.....and how trivial most of the things I worry about really are. We didn't bake cookies, go way out on food preparation, decorate beyond belief or buy tons of gifts. We just didn't have time. And....guess what? We had a beautiful time with our children and our families....even without all the silly trappings. What a wonderful lesson for me.....Again.......I am being blessed, constantly, by lessons and love.

Richard and I have spent a lot of time, during this Holidays, remembering all the beautiful people who have helped us during these past four months and even more time being thankful for so much. We both share a new warmth which is a result of the discovery of true family and friends. We often sit in awe of the light that has surrounded us. Sometimes I look at Richard and he seems to be glowing....I understand that luminescence as pure love....within him, of course.....but also given to him from others. He is at his most beautiful at these moments.

I know this is short....but we have very early bedtimes here....and Richard has already started the nightly routine. I love to join him and "snuggle" close......but I did want to at least check in and let you all know that we are doing fine and loving everything and everyone with passion. We hope you all had a Merry Christmas and that you are preparing for a special New Years celebration. I promise.....I will write more very shortly!!!!

I Believe!!!

2007-12-14T13:10:00.000-08:00

I just read a beautiful entry from a mother on my on-line brain tumor, caregiver support group. Her son (in his thirties) was diagnosed with a brain tumor in 2000. Today was the day of his six month MRI. She's been posting, prior to today, about her anxiety and fear regarding this test. Many have written her back, assurring her, encouraging her, sympathizing with her because waiting for the MRI results, I guess, can be excruitiating. She just wrote the group and told us that Kevin's MRI was clear...no reoocurrence of any tumor growth. I immediately was brought to tears....with joy for this courageous family...but also with such hope and belief for my own husband who is bravely, fighting this battle. I believe that Richard will be one of those survivors!!!! I believe, I believe, I believe.

Our days without Radiation and Chemo!!!

2007-12-12T16:44:00.000-08:00

These past two days have been very interesting for Richard and I. Since chemo and radiation have stopped we seem to have sosososo much more time on our hands. We're also in the thick of the Winter Darkness here in Bellingham. That means that basically by 3:30 it is dark and pretty unsafe for me to be outside doing anything by myself. It's at this time of year that I always begin to feel a little claustrophobic! Obviously...I need to get ALL my inside projects lined up! I have many!

Richard is feeling pretty good. He still complains of being tired but he is working six to seven hours a day and seems to be plugging along. Work is so terrific for him. I know, that while he is there, he is surrounded by people that love him dearly and that they are watching out for him. Richard is so darn lovable. He is very close to many of the people at his job. I am so thankful that he is able to continue doing as much as he is.

I'm doing O.K. too!!! I'm settling into a new rhythym here and asking myself what my near future may look like. I think from the moment that I heard Gittle (our doctor) say the words brain tumor, life as I knew it, changed forever. I, myself, changed dramatically. I never want to forget the importance of this experience and I want to give it the attention it deserves. I've always had to learn things the hard way....well I believe this brain tumor has been the boulder that I needed to make some positive moves in my own life.

This is all still unfolding and I'm not sure, yet, what the changes may look like. I suspect that to most they won't even be noticeable but for me it is time to move in a more purposeful, thoughtful direction. I have learned so much since this all began....maybe I was learning all along...but this experience definately solidified a great deal for me.

People ask me what I have been working on, creative wise, during these past few weeks. I wanted to show you some pictures of some jewelry I've been doing. The colors, twinkle, and movement brings me great joy. With my eyesight, people who have seen the bracelets have asked me how I do it. Between my numb hands and my fuzzy eyesight it can be difficult...but with lights, etc. it works out and I'm having a blast. The model is Emily. She has beautiful hands and shows the braceletys off beautifully. I hope that you like them.

This is a busy time for all of us. I love the Holidays but it's so easy to get totally overwhelmed with all the shoulda, woulda, couldas. We have so much to be thankful for. This seems to be the perfect time to count our blessings. That's what's really important.

You are all very close. I love you!

Blessings,

Sherri

Holiday Break

2007-12-10T20:36:00.000-08:00

Break time from the chemotherapy comes with the finish of the radiation today. It will be a relief to not have to time my day around the chemo / radiation routine. Dr Thompson told us that the effect of the radiation will continue for a couple weeks after treatment.. we'll see. In January, I will re-start the Temador for 6 months with the start of the Clinical Trial after a follow up MRI on January 2ed.

Blessings to you and I wish you the brightest of holiday spirit and love.

BRRR!!!! Baby it's cold outside!!!

2007-12-08T22:37:00.000-08:00

It is sosososo cold here!!! Winter is fast approaching (technically on the 21st...my sweet boy's birthday.....but it feels like it is here right now!!!!)! The best part about the cold is that my dog poop picking-up duty is much easier when everything is frozen (probably TMI...sorry).

I wanted to catch everyone up on some important happenings during these past couple of weeks. First....it was Dana's 25th birthday this past Tuesday. We all went out to dinner last weekend (during the big snow!!!) and had a fabulous meal at Nimbus. Then we came home and continued the celebration with a confetti, boxed, birthday cake (Dana's choice) and ice-cream. It was a special time for all of us. The meal was amazing!!!! Here's some pics.

This is a picture of Dana, his Mom and I. Isn't Dana the cutest thing? I am so proud of the kind of wonderful man he is. He has been an amazing support for his Dad and I. I am so blessed to have him in my life.

O.K. Here's precious Jason chowing down on a raw oyster!!!! Yes....I said a raw oyster!!! We all watched in fascination as he chewed this puppy with great delight! He's always willing to try anything!
Emily and Jason are such a great looking couple! And what's so great about them is that they are so nice! I'm always touched by their sweetness.

Yesterday we went down to Everett to have dinner with Richard's sister, family and friends in celebration of her 50th birthday. We had a wonderful time and dinner was yummy. I worried about Richard driving down there after a long week....but as always, he was a trooper, and we had no problems. It was a nice evening for us. I love these pictures of Richard showing off his bald head. It was darling watching him and his Dad.

This is a picture of Richard and Pam with Vicki and Don. These four have been close friends since childhood. I love listening to stories about their escapades. It was nice that they could all be together for Pam's birthday.

As Richard has told you, Monday is his last day of radiation. It's hard to believe that 6 weeks have already gone by. Last week we saw both the radiologist and the oncologist and have now been prepped for the next phase of Richard's treatment. He gets a month off....which we have been warned may still be difficult, physically, for Richard since the effects of radiation will continue for quite a while. But we're both looking forward to no appointments, no chemo., and of course, the holidays!!!

I will miss the Cancer Treatment Center (that is so wierd but I will!!!). They have been so wonderful to us. Last week I went in and watched Richard's treatment. That was awesome!!! My poor baby!!!! It looks so scary. They tried to explain everything they were doing and then took me to the master computer as they did the treatment. They have Richard on camera the entire time and he didn't move a muscle. I don't know how he has done this for six weeks with such courage and grace. He trully is my hero.

The treatments (both chemo. and the radiation) have had their physical affects on Richard. The nice part about the whole thing is that it's all been cummulative so it's been slow; however he has struggled. What I notice is that when he gets tired, usually in the afternoon, he becomes very quiet and listless. He seems to get easily confused and has difficulty putting his words and thoughts together. A couple of weeks ago I expressed my concerns to the radiologist and he increased Richard's steroids (which the doctor said was typically needed during brain radiation). That has helped immensely with all of the negative complications; although it has caused some issues with sleeping, anxiousness and the "hungry horrors"....but he's absolutely a total miracle.

Looking back, I am still so shocked that all of this has happened to us. We often find ourselves talking about how amazing all of this has been. But....there have been many blessings and so many very special moments...especially between my husband and I. I am so thankful for this time together. We are so aware of the preciousness of this awakening. Truly, I leave nothing unsaid. I never stop myself from touching him. I never hesitate to look deeply into his beautiful eyes and I never stop thanking the Universe for such a beautiful partner. On the day we were told about Richard's brain tumor my life totally changed. I am walking with a new view and with a new sense of my own clarity. That has been one of the many blessings.

I am thankful for all of you. I feel you out there! Thank you for standing beside us.

Blessings,

Sherri

Radiation Done!

2007-12-06T20:49:00.000-08:00

Here it is, Thursday evening, and I am realizing that I have only 2 more radiation treatments left! How great this will be!. Not that they have been terrible, in fact, I have been pleasantly surprised at how well I have seemed to tolerate them. I have had moments of extreme fatigue, some Minor skin irritation, an hair loss at the sites, but generally it hasn't been bad. Everyone at the radiation center are SO nice, it makes it kind of nice going there just to see them.

After this phase, I will continue on the temador for a 6 month cycle. The dose will be determined by which are of the clinical trial I am selected for.. It will really be simple with the need to take only a few pills a day. I will find this out next week. It will be either 5 days of high dose chemo followed by 23 days off, or 23 days of lower dose chemo with five days off.. So this experience is in no way over, but the gravity has lifted, I have healed and I look forward to the future with optimism and strength.

I have so much thanks and appreciation for all the wonderful friends, family and co-workers that have been here to support me through this last couple months.. I would especially like to thank all the wonderful women that have been a pert of Sherri's art life and the Stampadoodle crew. All the members of the SAS group have been SO wonderful and generous I can hardly find words to express my gratitude. I do have a strong spiritual faith, and I know that you are all angels come here to lift my spirit and the spirit of those whom I love above this darkness that seemed to swirl in from nowhere. you all have been a light in the darkness for Sherri and I during this time.

He's SOSOSO cute!!!

2007-11-30T10:47:00.000-08:00

Have I told you how darling my husband is with just a teeny weeny bit of hair? Oh my gosh! He is sososo handsome!!! Who would have thought? But I swear he should have been shaving his head a long time ago! And yes...this morning I rubbed his head and made a big wish!

He says his little noggin' is freezing! I think when he's at home he should wear a bandana or a soft, knit stocking cap...and when he goes outside he has always worn a hat!!! I hate him being cold. So I will be on the hunt for warm "inside" hats....(Oh boy!!! Something else to shop for!!!)

Anyway...I just had to tell you that I'm living with a very good looking man.... We are constantly discovering the "blessings" of this brain tumor experience!!!!

You are all in our hearts....as always!

Sher

New Doo

2007-11-29T20:43:00.000-08:00

Decided that with the radiation making large bald spots, that I would just take it all off. I have a small beard trimmer that set on the shortest setting worked great. I would have used a blade, but worried about shaving off the lumpy incision line. Have to say that for a guy that was a real hippie in the 70's with hair down to the middle of my back, this is a real contrast! ;-) I kind of like it and I am getting lot's of compliments on it already.

This is Betsy, one of our dearest friends trimming the few spots that I missed after my audition. When you have a legally blind wife, it is good to have friends wit good vision! We had fun! Thank you Betsy!

I have only a few radiation treatments left with Dec 10th being the last. Should be a good cause for celebration! I am still working 4 - 6 hours, 5 days a week. Some fatigue, but generally the challanges there keep me moving and focused.

The Holidays!!!

2007-11-26T19:01:00.001-08:00

Since Thanksgiving is over....I've found myself at a very puzzling place......... How do we do the Holiday Season with this brain cancer experience smack, dab in our lives? My feelings flucuate, dramatically, between thinking that all the hoopla is so trivial and stupid....to trying, desperately, to make this the most meaningful Christmas ever. Most of the time I just walk around in a total fog...looking at all the Christmas stuff in the stores, listening to the beautiful music, unpacking our favorite trimmings and feeling pretty numb and lost. I'm really trying...but I'm finding this all pretty difficult and I'm searching for a way to have it all make sense.

My usual pattern, when I am feeling confused, is to just move frantically....filling up every minute with activity, projects and plans. But brain cancer has been far too life altering for me to let myself get very far in my usual maladaptive solutions to "uncomfortableness". I tried today.....offering to work again, contemplating teaching a class, thinking I should join the "Y", getting many art projects lined up to begin.....but the minute I got home and got quiet I realized that "busy-ness" wasn't going to fix this situation at all.... That for once in my life, I could maybe run real fast....but I couldn't hide!!!! I'm very disappointed that the solution isn't that easy. Tears are very near tonight as I realize that this time I can't ignore what is happening in my life....and that nothing but "sitting with it" is going to fix it. DAMN!!!!!

The truth is....I'm really not doing very well here...and I'm worried that that seems selfish to all of you in comparison to the HORRIBLE things that Richard is going through. Please don't worry....I haven't forgotten, for one minute, the gravity of his situation and the tremendous courage he is showing. I know that he is awesome and amazing. But at this particular time I am finally feeling the subtle, damaging, difficult strain of this very emotional journey that we have been on. And though I look OK on the outside....I'm a trembling mess if you look really close. (Please don't look too close, however! I hate for my weaknesses to show!!!)

I don't really know what else to say about all this.....but it feels important to tell people what it is like. It's such a huge part of the experience.

In drastic contrast from the above.....We're doing Christmas, of course!!! We put up our village and our Christmas tree and it was so much fun. I kept telling Richard to stop and take in the "specialness" of our time together decorating. It was a perfect thing to do and we were both so happy. We were decorating for ourselves, for our children, for our family and for our friends.
And it looks so beautiful!!!! Richard was so happy while we were doing it and couldn't wait to show Emily. He was sosososo cute!!!!

This is a picture I've wanted to include of Richard's Dad, Leo and his Dad's wife Angie. I took it when they were visiting the week before Thanksgiving. Leo and Angie had just gotten done making some delicious peanut brittle (my very favorite thing)!!! I have the most wonderful in-laws.

Blessings to all of you! We love you!

Love Sher

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

2007-11-22T23:09:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to post all day.....but the preparations and fesitivities of the Holiday seemed to take precedent over everything else! Finally, Richard is snug in bed, sleeping away, and I have a free moment.

I've been thinking about the many angels in our lives. This experience has brought me so many awarenesses...the most significant has been the awareness that my life is richly abundant with beautiful, compassionate, giving people. I am so thankful for our family and friends. We have been touched, over and over, by the generosity and love that has been shown to us. Often, I have felt such "awe" by the grace of all of you. You have truly taught me so much that I will carry with me for years. Mainly...you have shown me how to care and love people at times when they are struggling. I will never forget this gentle lesson that you have demonstrated for me....and I promise....I will "Pass It On".

Of course....I am thankful for Richard's amazing strength...both physically and emotionally. Eventhough he has struggled with his treatments....I am very aware that he is doing remarkably well considering the acuteness of his illness. To say I am proud of my husband seems so silly.... He truly is the most amazing person I know. He has given me so much and I am blessed to be able to stand with him through this experience. He, too, is a gentle teacher....very kind and patient. What seems particularly special, is that he truly sees only the "good" in me....and makes that part of me only stronger.

We were surrounded today by our beautiful children and our Mothers. It was a perfect Thanksgiving!!! I hope that all of you experienced a wonderful and yummy day.

I love you, always!!!

Sherri