Too Many Thoughts!!!

It seems as though we are all always thinking.....not in a steady stream but all over the place...patches here and there...no conclusions, no solutions, only worry, fear and the unknown.

Sleep for me is very difficult. I just know there will be lots of time for sleep later. I feel, now, like every moment is precious. I sleep enough. Don't worry, I am remembering that I have to remain strong and well for Richard, our children, our families and friends. But I'm constantly thinking about the next thing, the list of to-dos, the memories that I am learning to hold dear. It's all O.K....necessary parts of this journey maybe....or possibly a distraction.

Tonight all the kids are gone, Richard is asleep and I find myself feeling empty and somewhat numb. But then I will remember...and my breath stops....allowing a wrenching pain to bubble up and cover me entirely. I am surprised there are tears left. I will often find myself just sitting beside him, quietly on his bed....tears flowing quietly down a now familiar path....watching him sleep.

I have allowed myself some moments (about all I can handle) to try and imagine what it will be like to live in this house without Richard. I am so afraid.... He is so much a part of our home. All his treasures surround me. His smell is in our closet. His shaver, with little pieces of his hair in it, is lying on our bathroom counter. His favorite soap is on his side of our shower. I know these things will be comforting to me...but also I think it will all make me sad, painfully sad.

Richard is slipping away more every day. I tried to talk to him about the beautiful things he has given me and of how thankful I am. He has believed in me, my strength and goodness. He has given me the confidence to love myself. What a beautiful gift. I talked....trying desperately to get him to understand. I also assured him that when he was gone I would continue to believe in my best self. I promised that I would continue my own spiritual study. I told him I would find a way to not always feel afraid. I have a need to share my walk of abundant appreciation and thankfulness. I can't risk him forgetting for a moment what he means to me.

As he grows weaker, there is a need for me to grow stronger. I am doing it....finding it almost easy and comforting. He is dependent on us now for almost everything. We are all stepping up and learning to work together intuitively....all for Richard, our hero. There is a rhythm here now.....a focus. I believe our movements are the same ones that have been taken by our ancestors for generations before us. Somehow, even though so much is frightening, it all seems familiar. I have experienced a "knowing".....and so have the others that are doing this with me.

I can feel you all thinking about us. I know there are prayers being said, candles being lit, loving thoughts surrounding us. I am so thankful for all of our family and friends. This is a huge group effort. Believe me your thoughts, remembrances, prayers are an integral part of this journey. I know that Richard feels all of you. I know it is part of his acceptance and peace. Thank you.

Blessings,

Sherri

Reality

That isn's a very creative title...but it is the best I could come up with. I believe that all of us have entered a type of "time warp".... We often look at one another and say, "I can't believe that we are doing this." "I can't believe that we are talking about this." But slowly I believe that it is sinking in. It is horribly sad...yet I continue to feel as though it is such a gift to be caring for this wonderful man....the horror of it all can be diminwshed.

Richard grows weaker daily. He sleeps a great deal, now has a catheter and has had episodes of breathing problems. His voice is very quiet...a whisper and sometimes it is difficult to understand him. However, there are such beautifully tender moments...Dana and I giving him a bed bath, Jason stroking his cheek, him thanking me and telling me that he loves me and seeing flashes of his beautiful smile.

Dana and Emily are very close....I often see them holding one another, stroking each other's back, bowing their heads together....comforting one another as only brothers and sisters can do. It warms my heart greatly. Sometimes they include me in that tenderness....but I have learned to reach out and tell them what I need and they are always willing to give it to me. They are beautiful children....they are Richard's children.

My son is coming tomorrow....and I know for me that will be a comfort. I can feel his sadness over the phone lines and his worry about me, Richard and his step-brother and sister. I will welcome him here with open arms. I can't wait to have him hold me. He is a man now and he is a great hugger. I am thankful he is coming even if it is just for a few days.

My friends...we are moving through this holy time. We are very busy....hospice has supporter us beautifully and we move forward with caring for Richard under their compassionate guidance. While they keep us busy....I know their intentions are right and in the end the preparations will make things much easier.

I wish that everyone could be here and just observe the miracle of this experience. I believe it is golden. I feel honored to be part of it.

My love to evereyone. I wish this were longer.....but I am needed.

Love Sherri

To all who have loved Richard

I am very tired but I feel like I need to take a few minutes to let you all know what is going on. This will be short.....I'm weary and know that my sleep is crucial to face this next phase of our journey.

Richard had an MRI yesterday. The doctor (our angel....Dr. Gittle Goodman-Wilson) came to our home and shared the news with Richard and his children, Dana and Emily, and I. The cancer has aggressively spread throughout Richard's brain and no further treatment can be done. I didn't need an MRI to tell me this; however Richard wanted to go through with the test and so did his children. I am surprised that even though I felt like I knew what was happening....hearing it and seeing the report took away all of the denial that was still part of my deepest wishes that Richard would live with me forever. The news was devastating. Last night was very intense....but today, even though bleary eyed, we are all facing the challenge of meeting Richard's wishes in the best way that we can.

Hospice had been called in last week. We had to stop it....so that insurance would pay for the MRI....but the minute the results came in, we re-signed and hospice has started again. Family has gathered....lots of comings and goings....but I'm trying to stay centered and focused, knowing clearly what my job is at this point. My main focus is on providing Richard with as much comfort and love as I can as he faces this last stage of this journey that we have been on.

Richard has carefully taught us all how to proceed through this phase. We are all moving within his constant message of love and compassion and everything else has fallen away. We are all tireless in our mission. I believe that this is Richard's last lesson on this earthly plane....how to receive care from others instead of always being the caregiver. As expected, he is facing this challenge with grace and courage.

He has prepared me well and I know my role as his partner and wife. His children are totally amazing.....as is all our family and friends. Whenever we feel lost we look at him and the way becomes obvious. He is surrounded by glowing candles, pictures, amazing smells and tender hands. I believe we are all holding him up....standing beside him as he prepares to leave this earthly place. He is at total peace....he is calm, tranquil and shining with the assurance of a man who has lived within the pure light and understanding of how this Universe works. It is awesome to watch.

Yes, I am frightened...sometimes breathless about how fast it is all moving. But I know that we will all be O.K.. We will be sad, lost at times, totally forlorn....but yet strong in the knowledge that Richard feels so sure that he has reached a state of completion with this life and is ready to move on.

Please keep us in your prayers. The work we are doing now is true soul work. We all hear the true essence of a higher power directing our every move. We are thankful for all of you. You are giving us strength to find meaning in this most difficult time.

Love each other....that is exactly what Richard would want.

My love,
Sherri

Checking In

Hello my dear friends and family,

This past week and a half has been a total blur. Dana and I have decided that we have entered a "time warp".....a little microcosm of the real world. We have no sense of what day it is, what time it is or even of what normal is like anymore. But we are all moving forward in learning to care for a man who is at this stage of the brain cancer journey. I am so proud of Dana and Emily. They are amazing as they care for their Father. It is so touching to watch them interact with him.

Richard's decline over the past ten days has been absolutely stunning. I see him changing daily and feel him slipping away from me as time goes on. He is in bed most of the day. Now he can only transfer or walk with alot of assistance and even, at times, needs help changing position in bed. He is more confused and forgetful. Fortunately the cancer has prevented Richard from really understanding what is happening to him or to even be aware of the changes in his ability to do his daily living skills. I am so thankful for that.

Because of this....Richard is still talking about getting an MRI and possibly continuing chemotherapy. As he talks about the possibility of continuing treatment I believe our children are also needing to see and hear what is happening, medically, in their Father's brain. So I had pushed for an MRI. I've had to fight with the insurance company to get this to happen but we finally got it through and we're having the MRI tomorrow morning at 11:30. Our angel doctor will come to our home and tell us all the results and we will all make plans for what should happen next.

After being with Rick, pretty much non-stop for the last few days, I don't need a test to tell me that there have been huge changes. All of this tells me that something is drastically happening to my husband's beautiful brain. The pit in my stomach, the ache in my heart, the tears I have shed, the faces of our children.....all tell me that Richard is approaching a place of late stage cancer. I pray constantly that I am wrong and that this is just a little set back; however I must be realistic in order to truly be there for Richard and our family and friends.

We all are having the most difficult and important conversations of our lives right now. I have had to be brutally honest with Richard and with our children in regards to what I am seeing and what I believe is happening. I've had to stop and hold their hands and just be quiet; there's really nothing I can say to make this better. I know we all feel helpless.

The most important thing I want everyone to know is that Richard is experiencing minimal pain at this point. What he is feeling is either a headache (scary) or body aches from being in bed. He says that he is peaceful and assures us that he is not afraid. He is being a courageous man...even through this difficult time.

Caring for him is such a sweet honor. Each of us have our own strengths....but it all is so touching and loving. I love helping him, bathing him, feeding him, toileting him, etc. I know that this is a time where Richard is learning one of his most important lessons....how to be cared for instead of always being the one to take care of others. I thank him daily for letting us do this for him....

Betsy let me borrow the cutest little "day bed" that during the day we use as a couch, cuddle place and at night Jazzy and I sleep there. As I lay there I listen to the rhythm of Richard's breath and I watch him as he sleeps peacefully. The hospital bed has an air cover over it and when Richard moves the cover squeaks.....it always wakes me and I look over and see if he needs something or if he is just moving. There will be no more attempts at getting up by himself. I was always so fearful of the time when I would have to stop sleeping with him....but I am loving our little room and I am sosososo glad that he is more comfortable.

He continues to be precious. My love for him has grown even deeper....I like to think that it is growing deeper into my heart so that I will feel it there forever. He is my biggest blessing in so many ways.

The out pouring of help, prayers and love is immense. Thank you to all of you who have dropped off food. We are ALL enjoying it and it is so wonderful that none of us are having to cook. Thank you to the angel(s) who send periodic Trader Joe's gift cards. I'm not sure who you are but we are putting them to good use. Thank you to all the family who are supporting all of us daily. Thank you to all who are continuing to surround Richard and our family in light and who are praying for us. I feel your prayers and thoughts. That is often what is keeping us moving through this part of the journey with strength and compassion.

Love to you all!

Sherri

A changing Journey

My special friends,

Our journey has changed dramatically since I last wrote. I am heartbroken to report that Richard has declined tremendously. These past few days have been a blur. They have also been very painful for us all. But we are supporting one another. I believe things are progressing as best as they can at this point of our experience with brain cancer. I am sad and frightened for us all. But with Richard as our teacher and model I have faith that we will make it through this horribly difficult time with strength and courage.

In the wee hours of Monday morning, my once robust husband, took his first fall getting out of bed to use the restroom. Up until that time he was moving with stability (although his gait had changed to a shuffle) and requiring no help to do anything. Sunday morning he had gone out to breakfast with my Mom and all of our children. He walked into and out of the restaurant without assistance. We all were amazed as he ate six pancakes scrambled eggs and hash browns (no, his appetite has not changed!)!!!! The previous evening he had gotten himself ready for bed and climbed in as if it was another day.

Needless to say, this fall took he and I by total surprise. As I have written before, there were significant changes in gate and speech…also sleeping more…..and lots of cognitive decline…but something changed in those early hours that seemed to make everything drastically different.

We had to get up early on Monday morning because it was a chemo day and we have to drive an hour to get to the cancer center. My friend, Sheryl, was arriving at nine. When the alarm went off Richard stayed in bed which is very unusual. Up until that morning he had always gotten up to made the coffee while I fed our dogs…but that morning he didn’t move and I did the morning “get up routine” on my own. When I went back into the room he said that he was going to need help getting up but that then he thought he could take care of the showering himself. In getting him out of bed…his legs buckled and he fell again. He needed lots of assistance getting to a standing position. My arthritis has left my arms, neck and back so weak….but somehow the strength came and I was able to get him standing and with a considerable amount of help he got into the shower. After I got him dressed he wanted to lay back down in bed as I showered and got dressed.

When Sheryl arrived to drive us to Everett she helped me pack up our bags and I took care of the dogs. It took both her and I to get Richard out to the car, using his walker (Thank God I had gotten one as requested by the doctor during the week before). After a Starbucks stop we were on the road. Richard ate the breakfast I had packed and half of a scone and then he immediately feel sound asleep on our way to Everett. It was a difficult drive….knowing in my gut that everything had changed. I texted my sister-in-law angel, Pam, and she met us in the garage with a wheelchair. We unloaded Richard and got him upstairs to his appointment.

They put us in a private room, drew blood and then they wheeled him over for his appointment to see the doctor. Dr. Congdon met us with a very sad look on his face. After talking for a while, answering questions etc., the doctor told us that he feared that a small part of this sudden leg weakness may be due to the steroid increase, but that decreasing the steroids would put Rick at a higher risk for seizure. We decided to lower the dose to see if that had any significant change. He then told us that his biggest fear was that these symptoms were related to a sudden surge of tumor growth and once again he explained his on-going worry about continuing a round of chemo when he felt we were seeing tumor progression. Richard asked how we could tell if these symptoms were due to tumor growth and the doctor explained that we would need a new MRI. Rick stated that he wanted to continue with this chemo treatment. So we decided to proceed and then scheduled an MRI for the following week with a plan to go down to Everett on his next scheduled chemo day (Monday, January 26th) to hear the results of the
MRI.

After his treatment Pam and her husband, Scott, drove us back to Bellingham. When we arrived home, we put Rick to bed, Pam started dinner and Scott and I went to a medical supply store to pick up a wheelchair, a urinal and a shower seat that the doctor had ordered. It was obvious that I couldn’t take care of Richard by myself and so Dana (his son) came home from Seattle and has been by Richard’s and my side ever since. Our daughter and her boyfriend have also been here when she wasn’t working. They also have been an immense help.

During that night Richard fell again, even with using the walker and with me holding him up. His gate suddenly changed. He and the walker went flying in different directions and Rick landed on his face, hitting his left eye on our scale. I screamed for Dana and he came running, Richard is now sporting a frightening black eye.

The next morning I called our local doctor (Dr. Gittle Goodman-Wilson) and brought her up to date with what was happening. I told her my “take” on our meeting with our oncologist and Richard’s desire to continue chemo. but that I suspected that we were looking at tumor progression. That day she contacted the oncologist, called me back and we made an appointment to see her on the following day. The sweet woman called me again that evening, asking me about how things were going and offered to come to our house to check Richard out…but I felt like we could wait until the following day to see her.

That same day I also called Richard’s old place of employment (a wonderful care facility where Rick was a nurse and then the medical record’s director) and asked for some help. When I explained our situation the angel I spoke to (one of Rick’s dearest friends) said not to worry she would get on this and see us after work. That afternoon three angels arrived, one with a variety of medical supplies that filled our dining room table, one with a huge box of food and a physical therapist with more equipment. She taught Dana and I how to do safe bed adjustments and transfers. She asked Richard’s permission to bring in a commode to make toileting easier and he agreed (She later dropped one off), and made some adjustments to our current set up so that caring for Richard would be easier. It was an amazing hour and after they all left the three of us cried with appreciation and total love for these women and all the people at Mt. Baker. They totally embraced us and helped us all immensely.

Since we arrived home from Everett I have watched my husband weaken and change minute by minute. When we tried to get him up for the doctor's appointment it became obvious that he was way too weak to go and I called the doctor’s office and told them. Gittle called me back and said she would come to our home that evening. Pam came up so that she could be part of that appointment.

Richard fell again when I went to let the dogs in. I had left him on the commode and he fell trying to empty his own commode pan. He did get to the toilet (a total miracle) but then fell into our closet. When I found him his was laying flat on his back in our walk-in closet holding the pan proudly in the air. When I saw him I burst out laughing, went and got Dana and after the three of us got over our hysterics, we got Rick up, scolded him and put him back in bed. He spent the entire day sleeping in bed and begged us not to make him get up. It was so painful to watch.

When the doctor came she examined Rick and then sat on the bed with all of us and talked to Rick about our options. In the end Richard agreed to bringing hospice in so that they could help us. It was a heart breaking conversation but we all agreed that we needed help. I was already experiencing significant arthritis pain. Even with our strong 26 year old son helping me, lifting a two hundred pound man has been really hard.

I am so sad…heartbroken. I am watching my husband change right before my eyes. I know that tomorrow a hospital bed will arrive. Last night was so painful because I sensed that it may be my last night of sleeping with my husband and our comfy big bed. He was so restless and uncomfortable throughout the night that now, I can’t wait until we get the hospital bed. It will be so much easier to help him get comfortable and to move him safely.

My grief is immense for all of us. Watching our children (my son will join us soon) and both of our families as they slowly accept where we are headed has been excruciating. Feeling Richard’s deterioration has been awful.

I also know that this is a blessed, holy time for Richard, myself and our families and friends….and want to honor it with as much grace as possible. We have all become witnesses to a holy transition and we are assisting Richard by caring for him, loving him and just being with him. I know he is constantly surrounded by angels....actually I feel them all around us. If you listen real carefully you can hear their soft voices, their melodies, their on-going rituals as they help Richard face this part of the journey.

I keep thanking him for letting us care and love him. I keep assuring him that he has done well....we are all doing O.K. by using his example. He has helped us gain wisdom and courage to do our holy work in tending to him. We are all touching him, holding him, spending time with him in bed. I believe we are all being intuitive as to what exactly needs to be done as the time passes. Tonight we all got in bed with him, including all three dogs....and held him as he snoozed and we all got silly. It was wonderful and Richard was so peaceful and happy.
Please pray for Richard...that he may remain peaceful and protected at this time. Please pray for all of us as we love him and care for him.

This has been a difficult post. but probably one of the most important. I love all of you. I feel you all embracing us...I can feel your warmth. Thank you for continuing to hold us close.

Blessings,

Sherri

Rain Rain Go Away!!!

We've had such a busy few days. Richard's dear Father has been here and I've absolutely loved having him. There is something about watching a Father tend to his chldren that absolutely touches my heart. I can see, easily, where Richard gets his tender touch and his strength. Leo is a very special man.

We spent our days being busy...doing chores, making soft blankies for my children, playing cards, watching T.V. and all the flooding, cooking together and helping Richard whenever we could. Richard is sleeping alot now....and so Leo and I had some precious talks and beautiful time just being together.

Leo's wife, Angie, is very sick over in Wenatchee. She has been in Wenatchee in the hospital after weathering two surgerys where parts of her small and large intestine were removed. When Angie got stronger after her operations the doctors told Leo to go and visit his son. They felt that Angie was on the road to recovery. Can you imagine? A sick wife and a very ill son????? How horrible for this man. Angie is still facing a third, very serious, surgery where they will try and fix a main artery leading to her stomach which is blocked and interfering with proper digestion. However, this can't occur until she is stronger from these current situations. They have a rough road ahead...but we are all hopeful and believe that Angie is going to get better and be dancing again, with her gorgeous husband, very soon.

Last night, when Leo called his wife, she really wasn't feeling very well and he made the decision to return to Wenatchee. However, now all passes are closed because of the rain and flooding. He was so frustrated (we all were) and he decided to leave this afternoon to at least get down to Pam's in Everett so that the minute the passes open he can scoot across. Hopefully, tomorrow he will be able to return to the bedside of his beloved.

Meanwhile, today, Alex (my son) came over here from Orcas Island to have four wisdom teeth removed. YUK!!!! My poor baby!!! Thank you to my brother-in-law for taking Alex and I to the oral surgeon. It was a treat to be able to spend some uninterrupted time with Richard (yes, another Richard) and just talk while they were yanking Alex's teeth. Richard and I shared a very tender moment together when Alex started throwing up on the way out of the doctor's office...I ran for help while Richard helped Alex to the men's restroom. I will say no more other then GROSS and ACHE for Alex's miserableness. As Richard loaded us into the car...he actually was laughing and informed me that that little moment absolutely was not part of the deal!!!! Bless him for hanging in there with us.

For the rest of the day I was playing Nurse to both Alex and Richard. It felt absolutely perfect to be taking care of both of these men. When you love someone as much as I love Richard and my children, taking care of them is so easy and wonderful!!!! It's been a long time since I've gotten to take care of Alex. He is a big adult now...but when he's sick I think he was glad his Mommy was there. He was very sweet!!!

However, my plate became a little too full when Jamaica, our old, little dog (who is in doggie diapers because of constant peeing problems but is otherwise the picture of health) walked in from outside with poop everywhere!!!! I did start to cry a little at this point...feeling very sorry for myself...but I slapped myself around, took a deep breath and bathed and dried our little dog. Phew!!! Life can be amazing sometimes. And Phew!!! We can handle a lot when we put our mines to it!!! And YEAH...this evening he is smelling like lavender and vanilla. That's very nice.

I've been so down in my last few entries that I wanted to share a few thoughts that I have had. Richard and I are experiencing something that is so unique. Yes, it is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced but at the same time I have learned so much and have been blessed in so many ways. Richard has chosen to keep fighting. That in itself is impressive. And I have the privilege of standing beside him in this fight. We treasure every moment. We touch, we hold hands...I'm never very far away in case he needs help standing or sitting or if he needs anything. I love helping him. I walk beside him as he moves through the house, making sure he's safe but also just loving the warmth I feel coming from his body. I watch him sleep. I watch him smile. I celebrate having him here with me and just our time together. This is blessed time. Even though he is sleeping more and more I treasure just being with him.

Tonight, after he went to bed, I stood outside with Mali, listening to the roar of our very full creek. It was beautiful out....I saw the moon for the first time in many days and I could sense the weather changing. As I stood there I felt this wonderful warmth melt all over me and I almost felt like I was glowing. It was an awesome moment...at first sort of scary/lonely but soon my heart and soul became very peaceful and I could take deep, nourishing breaths. It lasted for just a few moments...but it was very real. I don't know exactly what happened out there but I have my suspicions.

There are times with Richard when he feels very far away from me. He goes to a place that is totally separate from me. These moments use to terrify me. I would look at him and call his name and move in very close. I would touch him and ask him what he was thinking and usually he says either he doesn't know or that he was thinking absolutely nothing. Then I would jibber, jabber away....kiss him, hold his hand. He would be back with me and I would feel relief.

Well, I have learned and come to believe these moments are sacred time for Richard. I believe that it is at these moments that Richard (not consciously but on some plane) is surrounded by beautiful, loving angels. I think they are helping him, preparing him for the huge transition from this world to the afterlife. I've come to believe that these times are imperative and that this instruction from these holy beings is helping Richard gain wisdom, strength and courage for what lay ahead. I don't fear those times anymore and never try to bring him back to me. He must have this support now in order to maintain the immense peace that he has demonstrated throughout this whole experience.

Is it possible that tonight, as I let myself be quiet and still for just a moment, my own loving angels came and surrounded me and on some level gave me instruction, wisdom and courage to move through this experience also with peace? What a wonderful thought. I really don't know how to do this time now and I can't find clear instructions anywhere. But tonight I'm thinking that maybe I do it by allowing myself to just stop, be quiet and still and breathe. Maybe, just maybe, each of us will have our own holy beings that will be beside us, showing us the way........

Tonight I have found a little peace. It probably won't last for long and in my hyper-active way I may forget and I may feel frightened and horribly lost again. But tonight I have faith that remembering will come quickly. I will learn to just stop and be still and breathe and the way will become clear.

Love to all of you. Please continue to keep my beloved husband in your thoughts and prayers. He is still glowing and peaceful...I am so thankful for that.

Blessings,

Sherri

Hello Friends!

I find myself putting off posting because I don't know exactly what to say. It's been a very tough few weeks....I am sososo tired and I am so heartbroken. I want to be positive and upbeat...but I just can't be. I'm sorry that I have to come here with such a heavy heart...but I know that many of you want an update. I haven't found a chunk of time where I am breathing freely; where I can share hope and a positive spirit. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought that we would be at this place so soon...but I guess that this is an important part of the journey. When we started this experience I promised Richard that I would be faithful to this blog....I don't think I ever imagined that the time would come when it would become so difficult to share, with honesty, what this part of a very challenging road.

Richard had his first session of chemotherapy on Monday, December 29th. The infusion itself went smoothly. We reaffirmed with our doctor our desire to fight this monster called glioblastoma. Richard clearly stated that each additional day with his family and friends is worth this chemo regime. I agree totally with him. I am positive we are doing the right thing.

Richard continues to seem very weak physically. I don't know if it is the new chemo or if it is the tumor profression. I feel so powerless and frustrated at times. I can't make any of this better and my heart aches for him. He is in bed most of the day...He gets up for a while but tires quickly and needs to return to the comfort of laying down. He is shuffling badly and is having to have help getting up and down from a laying or sitting position. The doctor suggested that we get a walker for him (that was a hard day for all of us) and usually I am either walking with him or he is using his walker to move from one place to another. His speech is much quieter and is slurred...usually worse when he is tired. I think he is often confused...and when he is very tired he seems to slip into his own world. He often seems so far away.

He and I are handling the physical part without any problem. But for me the most difficult time is when I can't seem to reach him and when I realize that our partnership is changing rapidly. I get so frightened...almost panicky....eventhough I feel as though I have been prepared for this period in this journey....I never anticipated how badly it would hurt. I never knew I had so many tears to shed. I never knew how frantic I could feel...so powerless to change what is happening. And....sadly....I feel so alone. Eventhough we have so much support...no one can possibly understand my anguish unless they have traveled a road where they have lost a loved one.

Richard seems at peace with all that is happening. He has gotten to the point of total acceptance...his only distress that is expressed is when he sees me or his children struggling with our sadness. I always assure him that sadness is OK and that we are OK...and most importantly.....we will be OK. Struggling and sadness is a huge part of this journey and its important to let it happen. We are all learning to grieve and it is an essential lesson. Once we talk for a while he calms down and relaxes again. He continues to tell us, over and over again, that he is not frightened...and that he is giving the chemo space to work and yet accepting the seriousness of where his disease is at. He continues to be our hero in so many ways. His courage is absolutely amazing and gives us all such pride. His example gives us all such strength.

I want you all to know that eventhough it is easy to look into the future, to worry and fret....We are all still focusing on living each moment to the fullest and remembering the preciousness of this time together. Our home is so full of love...everyone talks about how "homey and warm" it feels....we hug everyone, all of us sit close together and touch...hold hands, listen intently and look into each others eyes, take time to let our breaths come together in a strong rhythym. We laugh and we cry...but in an amazing way...it feels so real....and we all know that something special is happening here....our job has become one of witnessing.....and often standing in awe.

I have come to learn and believe that at those times when Richard feels so far away from me I am watching a "holy time" for him. I've read that it is at these times that people who are seriously ill are surrounded by spiritual guides or angels who are assisting them in their preparation to transition from this world to another. These guides are there to assure and comfort and to give understanding to something that is so difficult to grasp in our earthly world. This explanation has helped me to let this time between us just "be" and eventhough it is so hard....I fight trying to bring him back to a place of relating to me. It is horribly sad for me...but at the same time I find myself sitting in awe...wishing I could join him but knowing that this part of the journey is only for him...a very private time of comfort and faith.

One more thing....At night I find myself laying very close to Richard....spooning....with either my arm around him or with his arm around me, especially when we first go to sleep. I take time to feel the way our bodies fit perfectly together and I always hold his beautiful hand. I feel his breath and his warmth and I see us surrounded in a glowing light. My heart is full at these times and I often have tears in my eyes. I lay there for a long time...silently and perfectly still...soaking in these intense moments. I truly feel so horribly sad and frightened when my heart knows in such a deep way that laying with my beautiful husband will not go on forever. I'm already aching with the anticipation of not being held by him, It is such a deep loss..I didn't know I could "feel" so intently.

There's so many other things I should mention.....but for now this is enough. I must go and try to sleep. Thank you for all the wonderful support. We hold you all very close.

Blessinngs,

Sherri

It's Melting

The snow is melting....you can hear the drip, drip, drip of water as things begin to thaw. This is the part that I dislike....it seems like such a hard process to get rid of all the snow. I guess I'm always a little sad to see it go.

Richard is having a difficult day today. He is very weak and sleepy. He's been in and out of bed for most of the day....and he keeps asking me what I think is wrong with him. I think that it is the new tumor growth and swelling that is making him more tired. Sleepiness is one of the most prevalent symptoms among many. He also seems confused and agitated a little (which could be the increase in steroids). I guess this is how it is going to be for now. Acceptance is my mantra right now. I'm still numb....having a hard time believing that we are at this point.

Our insurance company did O.K. the new chemotherapy which is such a blessing. We go down for his first infusion on Monday and I can't wait to see Dr. Congdon so that he can assure me that this is what is expected. I hate feeling so alone in this...having to make decisions, assuring Richard and the kids and his Mom......trying to appear strong and unphased by all the new symptoms....when actually my stomach is shaking and I feel almost sick. The doctor has told me that there is an increased risk for seizure. I've told the kids and his Mom and it's like we are all just sitting and waiting.

As Richard's partner I have to accept where he is at. I have to go to where he is instead of trying, desperately, to drag him up to where I am. I have to accept the changes in him and stop expecting him to help me make decisions, deal with household stuff, help me take care of my own illnesses. His ability to empathize with me is very limited and that scares me alot. He's been my partner in my own disease care. I'm on my own now and I really feel afraid sometimes. This is just the beginning....I have so much work to do in order to accept what is happening.

Blessed things continue to happen. Richard, Emily, Dana and I had about three hours alone last night where we just talked. It was a miracle what happened. So much love and respect were shared. Misunderstandings that are part of all families were cleaned up, all the questions that the kids had were answered and Richard talked about his death and his sadness to leave us but his belief and faith that the transition will be awesome and that he is not afraid. We cried, we laughed, we told stories, the children asked questions. It was an amazing time.

Today Dana said that last night almost felt unreal....maybe like we went to a very different place for a few hours and learned a tremendous amount. I asked Richard alot of questions during this talk...especially about things that I knew had been confusing for the children...regarding the divorce between he and their Mother, when he began dating me, what it was like for them to initially meet me, how they are feeling now about all of this. He found out how deeply his children love and respect him...what an awesome thing for a Father to hear. He found out that his children held no resentments regarding his decision to leave their Mother. He heard that over their adult lives both of them have thought about taking on the Estes name....prompted by no one....just realizing that they wanted both their parents represented. We talked about things that we all wanted to happen. Emily wants us all to sleep in the same bed. Richard talked about what he wanted before he died. I talked about my fear of doing life without him. It was a beautiful evening for us all.

I will post our Christmas pictures later. Right now I don't think I can look at them. We did have a joyous Christmas and we had lots of fun. It was perfect....absolutely perfect...accept that Alex and my Mom (who got a cold) weren't with us. But today even that seems unreal and hard to hang onto. I just need to sit where I am......and be by Richard. Right now that seems like the most important thing I can do.

We love you all. Please keep Richard in your prayers and thoughts.

Love Sherri

Oncologist's report

We had beautiful drive back from Everett this afternoon. The way the snow hangs on the trees is just so beautiful! It was a nice ending to a difficult day. My Oncologist, Dr. Congdon after reading the MRI report, and going over the MRI scan with us, admitted that with all the new spread of the cancer, our course of chemotherapy does not seem to be working and that he feels it is time to weigh quality of life against quantity. There is another chemo agent that has a low (5%) success rate, that I will try if my insurance will cover it. It has a low incidence of side effects, so should not have too much effect on my quality of life. Even with the side effects I have had, I feel my quality of life has been good. Mostly due to my wonderful family and friends who continue to encourage and support me in this strange journey. I feel that stopping chemotherapy would be like just giving up on fighting this. I am definitely not at that point. Every extra day that I have left in this life, hearing the "I Love you's", and seeing your smiling faces is worth fighting for!

" All this joy, all this sorrow, all this promise, all this pain. Such is life, such is being, such is spirit, such is love."

From John Denver's song, "This Joy"

With love to ALL!, Richard

A Snowy Day!

O.K. This picture is a perfect example of what living with brain cancer can do to someone...all you caregivers out there will totally get this....all of you that have spent any time with me lately will also totally get this..... I put these boots on Friday afternoon and went shopping all over with Emily....then she and I picked up Richard and went out for a nice dinner....then we came home and just spent the evening together. I noticed that my toes were hurting a little and couldn't figure it out....until I looked down at the end of the evening and noticed that I had gone around all day with my silly boots on the wrong feet!!!! That is crazy!!!! Emily, Richard and I laughed until we cried......

It is still snowing in Bellingham and it is very cold. It is beautiful but I feel so sorry for all those folks who have to get around in this stuff. Richard and I have the priviledge of just watching the beauty and being in the quiet. We have plenty of food and our various activities and we are perfectly happy. Emily has been an amazing Snow Driver and she's been needing to be very close to her Dad. We are so blessed to have her with us. She makes us laugh, keeps us very busy and helps out in any way that she can.

After our appointment in Seattle last week, we met Richard's Dad and his wife, Angie, at his sister's in Everett. They brought us home and spent a short couple of days with us. It was wonderful to have them. I love both of them so much. My Father died many years ago. I feel blessed to have such a wonderful Father-in-law. And.....he and Richard are so close. It is beautiful, as I have said many times, to watch their tendernesss for one another.

Leo makes fabulous peanut brittle. He shared with us his recipe and we all made a batch together. Richard and I love peanut brittle. He makes it in the microwave and it only takes a few minutes...it's messy but boy it is delicious!!!! Richard has to hide it from me because I can't stop eating it. I literally hear it "calling my name".

Friday, while Emily and I were shopping, we both were feeling so awful....absolutely not in the Christmas spirit. We found ourselves wandering the stores, crying and boo-hooing together. Then we boo-hooed through dinner and then at home that night. Even Richard did his share of crying. It felt good to be honest about how we were feeling. We allowed ourselves release the pain and sadness that seems to build up so easily.

We hardly ever let this happen. Really...most of our days are spent in a very positive way. But I don't look at this "group cry" as a horrible thing to do at this point. I think this is just part of the journey. It is vital to be honest about how we are feeling and to allow our children the time to grieve with us. Being sad is another important skill that parents teach their children. It is just as important as courage, love, responsibility.

There are other things that are happening within our family that also have made us feel sad. Emily has just moved into her own apartment and has decided to change her relationship with Jason. It has been such a painful transition for her and for him. We love Jason. Richard and I feel sad and miss him horribly. He is a special man. Richard and I also really miss Alex and Dana. Alex is still working on Orcas but he won't be with us this Holiday time at all.....today is his birthday.....He will be working through Christmas. Dana has been in Mexico for the last week and we have really felt his absence. They'll both be with us soon but we really missed them on Friday night.

It is a hard time for us right now. We are in libo until we see Dr. Congdon tomorrow. What I know is that we still can't believe this is happening. Friday night we met at the end of our bed and just held each other. We had just gotten done brushing out teeth, etc.....our usual bedtime routine....and we just stood there, hanging onto one another. I said, "I still just can't believe that there may be a time when we are not doing this routine together every evening". Richard said he was struggling with that disbelief also. After a year and a few months....and so much in between....you think it would have sunk in. But it still seems so unreal.

However....it has been a year and some months of wonderful blessings and wonderful times. Richard and I have been together almost every day during this time....and we are continuing to make memories. I've gotten to know him so much better...his wisdom, his grace, his compassion, his love, his goodness. I have fallen so much more deeper in love with him. Any time that we spend with our children, our family, our friends is truly surrounded by a golden light. We are full of such joy just to be with all our loved ones. I believe we have learned what it means to be grateful for every minute. That is a wonderful gift.

We love you all so much. I will write as soon as I can after our doctor's appointment tomorrow. We are sending you love and blessings.

Love Sherri

The MRI

I'm taking a few moments away from Richard, his Dad and his Dad's wife in order to fill you all in on what we found out yesterday at the Doctor. I'm very sorry to report that the news is not good. The MRI showed two areas where cancer cells of infiltrated Richard's brain. In addition, there were two tumors that we could clearly see but that at this point seem to be inoperable. Richard, Pam and I were immediately in shock. We had all been working so hard on being positve and believing in our collective power of prayer.....but this type of cancer appears to be very cunning and persistent in its attack.

The Neurologist will call our oncologist and discuss these findings. We are scheduled to see our oncologist on Monday morning at 9:00. We are anxious for that appointment. The Neurologist indicated that there were other chemo. combinations that could be used and that he felt confident that one would be available to us. So we WAIT until Monday.

I will write more later.....but now I am needed to help plan our day. Please hug one another and know that we love you deeply.

Love Sherri

This is very to the point.....but I'm trying to stay in that mode for a while......protection I believe?

Another sleepless night!!!!

Again....I woke up and tossed and turned for a while and then gave up....and got out of bed. I walked around our little house. I've been doing this alot recently. Waking up and just looking at the treasures that we've collected and gathered. I spend alot of time gazing, with wonder, at Richard's rock and marble collections. What a perfect thing for Rick to collect....beautiful rocks in various forms and magical marbles; that when caught in the light shine and sparkle. I love to touch his books...you can glean Richard's spiritual core by looking at his many books. I believe you can truly know us by looking, carefully, at our home.

I am anticipating the MRI on Tuesday with dread....not that I believe the results will be negative....not at all. I have just come to dread the process of traveling to Seattle...waiting, waiting, waiting....then a stranger coming and taking Richard away from me as they shoot him full of dye and scan his beautiful head. I wait for him patiently (usually) trying to imagine what it must be like for him. Then we wait and wait and wait for the afternoon doctor's appointment. Richard's beautiful sister is with us...and we talk, laugh, eat hospital food, drink far too much Starbucks coffee and wait and wait some more. It is always an exhausting day for us...no matter what the results of the MRI are.

I have seen Richard grow more and more exhausted. At times he seems to enter a place that I can't be a part of. I imagine, in my own mind, that this is where he goes to learn how to cope with this amazing thing that is happening in his life. I honor his time of quiet and reflection. It seems a vital part of this journey he is on. But I also know that I can't join him there. It's almost as if this is a spiritual time where he gathers information that allows him to move forward in his daily world. I have to trust that at this time he is surrounded by spiritual beings that have already taken him into his arms and are slowly preparing him for what lies ahead.

He isn't moving away from me...we are as close as ever...but we are tired very tired...and our weariness is the kind that others cannot understand. Sometimes we fight it...with mighty force but it is usually much bigger than us...and it is often easier to give in. There are times when we have to talk about difficult things. It's come to the point where we are still fighting this cancer; but yet we have to talk about things...all the things that must be addressed and understood between us so that any rest that is to be had can happen in peace. It's so hard, so painful....so difficult....but we push through all that, knowing that it is vital to our continuing in a redsponsible way.

These sleepless nights are filled with unease and fear. I listen to his rthymic breath, I feel him totally relaxed and I rejoice for that time for him. I often reach out for him...just to touch softly, just to feel his warmth. I look at his little dented head and I am reminded of the miracle of him doing so well. But then I usually grow restless where the possibility of laying there is seems futile and I have to get up and hold the touchstones of the world we have created.

My heart is breaking, I believe, slowly. But it is happening in a way that is subtle and that leaves me with enough strength to hold my children, parent them and guide them that even at their ages is needed so much, I can still find my words of comfort for my Mother and Ricard's Mom. I can love them without holding back....touching them, hugging them and saying my "I love yous" with honesty and committment. I can still take care of business...the bills, the insurance, the phone calls, the many appointments and the rides. Thank God this process is kind at times....surrounding me with an assurance and clarity that is vital but I sometimes feel is just a facade.

Well, my nightly vigil must continue. I just wanted to check in and ask that everyone pray for my precious Richard as he faces the next treatment step in this journey. Take time to imagine Richard surrounded by light, a healing light. We have grown to understand the difference betwen healing and curing....we want to learn and understand all the information we are given, we want to make solid decisions and treatment choices and we want to remain peaceful and strong as we move through this process. Pray for a beautiful brain with no spots, hazes or suspicious areas. Imagine us remaining strong no matter what the outcome.

Thank you, my friends, for your continued support. We love you all deeply.

Blessings,

Sherri

Chemo. tomorrow!!!

We just got home from a wonderful dinner out for Dana's birthday. There were seven of us in all and we had alot of fun. Dana turned 26....his girlfriend, Amy, Emily and Chris (a friend of Dana's) were with us, along with Lisa (Emily and Dana's Mom). I love listening to the twenty-somethings as they talk and laugh. They really are sweet. The three "aged ones" look on in fascination.....we are so blessed to have these young folks in our lives, looking so beautiful and happy and being willing to spend an evening with all their folks. It was a great night.

We are headed to Everett tomorrow for Richard's chemotherapy. We're both dreading it (I am at least....and I can feel that Richard is too). We just never know how it's going to go. The effects of the chemo seem to be different every time. I guess I feel like we're always ready for surprises and new symptoms..... Living on Edge! I guess that would be a good title for a book about coping with chemo. How depressing!

I woke up last night and couldn't get back to sleep. What I've noticed is that when I wake up now I don't have a moment anymore where I forget that cancer is living with us. I wake up knowing that it is part of our lives....almost like a constant drone in the background....no matter what we do to try to mask our awareness of it. Cancer will not be ignored....and as you live with it longer and longer it seems to never let up. It just gets comfy in your world and seems to settle in and sort of ooze everywhere throughout our lives.

I've learned to accept its presence....but I refuse to become O.K. with it totally taking over and becoming the main star in our lives. Our lives are about so much more than just cancer. Richard is so much more than a man with brain cancer. I will not let cancer define who we are and I will always fight the way it tries to make us forget our colors, our textures, our words, our joy. It's so easy to become complacent....and learn to sit companionably with cancer, letting it settle in, dulling us to what is outside...and actually dulling us emotionally until we are surrounded by nothing but gray. It sounds dramatic...but sometimes I feel like our home is covered by a shroud....a haze.....and that reaching through the haze is getting harder and harder.

I feel badly....because I think I've grown so tired and in some respects very weak. I've been whimpy....the fight has felt very hard for a few weeks and my caregiving has been less than satisfactory. I'm not putting myself down.....I know this must be part of the journey. But I badly need to refocus, rejuvinate and rededicate my spirit and energy to our fight. Richard deserves to be standing beside the best "fighting partner" that he can have. Neither one of us can afford to be in less than perfect fighting form.

I love my husband so much. I see him growing weaker, more listless, seemingly far away at times. Sometimes it's so difficult to know what the best "fighting" style should actually be. I try to listen and watch. I try to "feel" what Richard wants and needs. I never assume I know. I never take the power of this vicious beast for granted. I try to know when I should accept the changes but also know when I need to stand up and just try harder.

But I do get tired.....so tired. I can only imagine how tired Richard gets. Our lives have changed so much. It's easy to forget to laugh and to talk. It's easy to take things for granted. It's easy to push....without even really knowing what you are pushing against. It's as these times that I have to stop and breathe and take time to remember the sparkle and joy that comes when two people love one another. It's at these times that I need to just hold Richard's hand and kiss his lips and hold him and let our hearts touch.

I know we are strong and we are mighty. I also know that we are wise. Don't worry....the fight will continue after I get a better night of sleep.

To our angels, our families, our friends.....we feel your continued thoughts and prayers. We are both really focused on Dec. 16th and our appointment with Dr. Foltz and the MRI. We continue to imagine a brain......a beautiful brain that is clear of all tumors and all suspicious areas. We are thinking about Dr. Foltz coming in and telling us that things are good....I'm feeling my heart swell and my eyes moisten with relief and joy. Please join us in thinking the same.

Blessings,

Sherri

December.....Oh My!!!!!

I can feel the hustle/bustle in the air.....the hurry, hurry,, hurry pace that comes with the Holiday Season. And, as usual, I am fighting it with all my might. I am trying not to make any To Do lists, no HUGE meal plans, to shoulda, woulda, couldas. I am trying to hang on and just "be" with Richard, our family and our friends. This year it feels important to throw out all of the usual expectations.....and to bask in the glorious parts of the season.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. No matter how I do it....it always seems to be exhausting, but we had a great time with the Kids and the Mothers around us. I planned on Richard feeling sort of "icky" during the Thanksgiving week due to his chemo on Monday and was prepared to do most of the cooking by myself with Emily and my Mom's help....but he ended up being able to help and be part of the festivities quite a bit.

I think that we all knew that Thankfulness was not something that any of us would ever take for granted again. We knew that being together as a family was something to rejoice about. I loved the whole day. I cooked many new recipes that turned out delicious. I kept thinking, "This is a way to tend to my family. This is a way to love my family. This is a way to be a Mother to my children. This is a way to love my husband."

After I tucked Richard into bed on Thanksgiving evening, Alex and I stayed up and talked and talked and talked. That was probably the biggest gift he could ever have given me. My son is such a wonderful man....and I got a sense that he is making good choices for him right now. It was awesome to be able to sit there and listen and understand and not judge......but realize that my only responsibility is to love him with all my heart. It was an evening I will always cherish.

Richard and I are very aware of the next MRI on the morning of December 16th and then the subsequent appointment with Dr. Foltz on that afternoon. We are very anxious to see where we are at in this journey. We ask all of you to join us in creating an"improved" MRI that clearly shows that the chemotherapy that Richard is taking is working. We are picturing the two areas of suspicion to be smaller and less dense and that the defined tumor is still gone. Please take time to think of my beautiful husband and to help us design a picture of health. We both believe strongly that this can occur.

I wanted to let you know that our amazing Dr. Foltz has gotten a lot of "press" lately. I am including a site which has an article that was featured in the Seattle Times. I know you'll be able to understand just how special he is to us after you read this article. He, truly, is working miracles in the area of glioblastoma brain tumors.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2008431867_braincancer25m.html

I wanted to download pictures of our Thanksgiving....but my camera and computer are not getting along very well. I will have them for you for the next post. Until then....love one another and remember that you are always close in our hearts. Rest and find peace during these busy times.

Blessings,

Sherri

A Rainy Fall Day!

The perfect day for an entry!!!! Alleluia! Yesterday I saw the twinkle in my husband's beautiful eyes. It was a glorious day!!!

It's been a very long few days since his last chemo.....and of course I've been so worried. When you're in the middle of it (the days, usually about 9, after chemo.) it is so easy to forget that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...that there will be good days before we start all over again. But the amazing thing is....when he starts to twinkle again...we immediately forget the days of nausea, extreme fatigue and fogginess.... We begin to celebrate again...the beauty, the magic of our lives.

Richard and I have entered a cyclic pattern. I know it, I see it, I feel it I don't want to call it a rhythm because rhythms seem unable to be interrupted. I don't want this pattern to be a permanent part of my beloveds life. I am still very resistant to the power that this chemo therapy regime seems to have over everything we do. I don't know if its good or bad....but I am still battling with the suffering that I see Richard facing during those rough days. I refuse to become complacent with its becoming any part of our lives.

During the suffering...it's so hard to describe how Richard responds. I guess he "settles in to" the reality and tries to just "be" there. I see his response as incredibly courageous. He continues to show his amazing grace and strength. He seems to go to a place where I am not part of....very far away...maybe it is the "Land of Coping"... He seems comfortable there, almost as if he is willing to stay and rest and not be with me anymore. I know, in my head, that this isn't true...but I have an inkling that this is a Land where a special invitation is required.

I guess that that is my fighting spirit and yes, my fear. "Don't you dare make that place of coping more comfortable than the place I can provide!". "My place is much more loving (I hope) and full of the magic of marriage, family and friends". "My place is the place we have created together". "It's a good place". Why would he want to be anywhere else????? Why can't I provide him the place to rest? Why does he have to become part of this other world? Why can't I join him there? Why does he have to suffer at all?

I know why.... My love for my husband and my desire to fight this beast called brain cancer is way too much emotion and power during the times of physical struggling that comes with this journey. I am humbled....but....the fight is better set aside when the suffering is present...and it is a time when I have to "give care" and love and have that be all. It is a time when I have to stop trying so hard....and the worst....it is a time when I have to become quiet and stop talking. "Care Giving" does not mean fixing the problem.....it means sitting with the problem and trying to make it as comfortable as possible. It's the hardest, scariest thing I've ever done....but for absolute sure....I would not want to be doing anything else.

And I guess, that this is the blessing. I am learning to be quiet and just sit. To open my heart, to breathe, to pray.....most important....to watch and listen. And I am learning to stop trying to fix Richard. I am learning the lesson of just sitting beside someone as the struggle with core issues, beliefs and feelings continues on. And the most important.....I am learning to let it all be OK!!!! Oh my gosh...it is painful and hard...but it is a blessing.

Today it seems like a little of the suffering has waned and I see a twinkle, again, in his eyes. He's wearing my favorite hat...an African hat that I bought him last winter. He's organizing bills ( a sure sign that he is feeling better) and has his to-do list all lined up. My heart is open and feeling much more light and at ease. I guess this is the ebb and flow of this amazing journey we are on.

I don't think I've been appreciative enough regarding the continued thoughts, prayers, cards, meals and visits that keep coming our way. We love visits. With Richard not driving I believe that sometimes he feels really home bound.....even on his not so great days....visits are good for him. You are all our earthly angels. I include you in my thoughts and prayers too!!!! I'm trying to make quiet time a part of my day (self-care) and during those attempts (sitting, doing nothing is almost impossible for me), imagining all of your faces seems to help settle my mind. Thank you....for being such a huge part of my life.

Blessings to you all!

Sherri

Autumn

Walking, walking, walking. It is something I do for myself and our dogs. I do it often...maybe just to clear my mind....but mostly to clear my spirit. One day this week as I walked in the park across the street, the dogs running off leash, scampering everwhere, doing their doggie thing, I had a blessed moment. I looked up and I saw a beautiful maple tree....shining with a bright yellow glory. It's leaves were spread out perfectly so that they canopied over my head and I could see each individual one. This bright golden yellow lace was set in front of a huge everygreen tree. The contrast between colors caused me to pause and look up at the magnificence of the pallette that surrounded me.

I became breathless....and then the most amazing thing happened....I felt tears come to my eyes. I was so moved. For many moments I stopped and let the tears flow. I felt like I was being bathed in the wonder of nature. I could still experience the gentleness of it's finest stroke against the bolder stroke of the evergreens. I could still smell the beauty of the cool air as everything prepares for winter's coming. I could still feel my heart beat as I was surrounded by the wisdom of the changing seasons. I could still experience my own inner rythym that automatically matches that of nature. And I could feel my spirit soar as it danced with all the beauty.

Having illness always around me...all the time...sometimes I feel like being hopeful and tending to my family is all I can do right now. It's hard to find my own colorful pallette, my own warmth and whimsy. But, I learned during my walk, that all I need to do is pause and look. I can easily find the glory again.

A toothy kind of day!!!

Hello my beautiful friends!!!!

You would think that someone who has had three craniotomies and two chemotherapy regimes in the past year would be safe from anything else bad that lurks in the world....but my poor Richard has a horrible tooth ache and I just can't believe it!!!! Dentists aren't real excited about working on people who are on chemotherapy....because of how susceptible they are to infection....but...... On Monday when we were down in Everett for Richard's chemotherapy he spoke to his doctor (yes, Dr. Congdon-no not Condom) about his suspicion that he had a bad tooth. Dr. Congdon gave him the go ahead to see a dentist since his blood work looks so good (his white blood cell count is normal!!!!). I immediately called our dentist and she saw us today (fnally...since the pain seemed to be getting worse daily). After x-rays and an exam we've decided to pull one tooth (since it already has had a root canal and a crown) and fill a big cavity on an adjacent tooth. YUK!!!! So tomorrow we are seeing an oral surgeon and after the tooth is pulled and somewhat healed then our dentist will take care of the cavity.

It's such an amazingly normal thing to happen to someone our age (don't you hate that!!!) but I really think that people who are dealing with cancer, especially brain cancer, should be exempt from needing dental work at all. I mean a tooth ache happens in his head....close to his blessed brain....and I ask you how much more can one little head handle?

What I must tell you is how sweet Richard was with all the staff at the dentist office. He just shines...glows....and you can tell that people see his specialness immediately. Whenever he meets someone he gently takes their hand and just holds it and then really looks at them. I stand back and just watch. People, who are usually so busy and hustling around, just stop and look at him....it seems like a pause in time. I am awed by his spirit and of how he envelops people in his warmth. He is such a blessing to so many.....even so many who he hasn't met yet.

Sometimes I wonder how such a beautiful man came into my life. I have to admit....initially I didn't see the glow...but I had a yearning to keep seeing him....that was clear to me....very clear. As time has gone on I have slowly learned of his many gifts. When we decided to live togather I knew that there were many differences between us...but I sensed and had experienced that with him beside me I could truly discover "my best self". It was a clear expectation that we both were done making relationship mistakes.....we were sure of that. I knew that Richard truly loved me and that I truly loved him.

Cancer has deepened my awareness of the miracle that "he and I" are. Cancer has given me the moments to stop and just watch. It has taught me to be quiet...to listen...and to observe. These have been struggles for me before...now they are my blessings. Richard is truly my teacher. Watching him elegantly travel through the maze of serious illness has been an awesome experience. I watch people pause....in his genuine warmth. It's really beautiful....really, really beautiful.

I rubbed his head today as we waited for the dentist to come in. He closed his eyes and leaned into my arm and just let me touch him. I never knew that that would be enough....that that few moments could speak volumes in my heart....and that that would be love. I am so blessed.

Blessings to all of you,

Sherri

A HUGE sigh of relief!!!!

I'm sitting here with Richard and his Dad.......listening to Emily chat, chat, chat on the phone. All is well here at our house.

Yes....the last few days have been very hard in so many ways. I know that witnessing my husband going through a seizure is very traumatic. I lost alot of sleep for the next few days and it seemed like everytime I closed my eyes I would see Richard's eyes.....his stare and lack of focus during the seizure and his intense fear when he started coming around. I cried, cried, cried and then cried some more...I think my world was so shook, finally, everything that I have been stuffing and keeping in check for the past year (most of the time) came pouring out.
Also I was so afraid regarding what caused the seizure. It was a frightening few days....I lost my way for a while...set my strength aside for a while...and I guess, looking back, it was good for me to be whimpy for just a few days.

Two friends....Betsey and Christy....told me not to lose HOPE!!!! When they said that it hit me hard.......I had lost my hope....and I really needed to sit back, pray, open my heart and ask the Universe to help me. It's so true....when I lost hope and my focus...it became so difficult to "live" with cancer. That's horrible...but so easy to fall into.......so much during the past year has been hard....so much has made me feel powerless....so much had been taken away.... I lost the warmth in my heart, all the lessons I have learned, all the blessings that have come our way.

Sunday night we stayed in The Inn at Swedish Hospital because Richard had such an early MRI appointment on Monday morning. Dana, Richard and I went out to dinner and then Richard and I spent some quiet time in our room just relaxing and thinking and "being" together. I shifted, took very deep breaths and tried to find "my spirit" again. I also asked Richard to join me in finding our hope.

I can't tell you how wonderful it was on Monday afternoon when Dr. Foltz walked in and told us (Richard, Pam, Dana and I) that Richard's MRI looked absolutely free of tumor. I jumped up and hugged the man and let out a little squeal "how embarrassing" and then hugged Richard...held on for an extra long time....just basking in the good news. He took us out and showed us the beautiful MRI pictures.....I had no idea, really, what I was looking at....but I could tell and feel that there was nothing "icky" in there....especially with Dr. Foltz taking us on a tour of pictures of slices of Rick's precious brain. It was awesome.

The next day we walked into the Cancer Partnership building in Everett and proudly handed over copies of the MRI....so that the amazing Dr. Congdon (no silly, not Condom) could see Richard's amazing brain. He was at his other office in Woodinville that morning.....but I know when he looked at the discs....he sat back and took a deep breath and smiled from ear to ear. The chemo is working!!!! Believe me....it made yesterdays chemo session totally different than the ones before.

We will see him in person during Richard's next chemo. appointment. We will ask what lies ahead in terms of continuing the chemo and future plans. Until then, Richard continues to struggle with the chemo side effects....along with the effects from the anti-seizure medication that he was initially put on (we are currently weaning him off that and starting a new one), but we are not worrying....not waiting for the "other shoe" to drop....we are basking in the glow of a tumor free brain.

Thank you.....everyone for your prayers and kind thoughts. The food that was delivered has been wonderful.....yummy......and your words of encourgement have helped us find our strength again.

Blessings to you all!

Love Sherri

A Full Pot of Relief!

Great news! Monday took us from a early morning MRI to a afternoon appointment with Dr. Foltz. He greeted us with congratulations, and showed us the last two MRI Images, Mondays, and the last one done 6 weeks ago side by side. Mondays Image showed "NOTHING!! Dr. Foltz marched into the room and whizzed through the newest image saying "There is nothing there! No sign of tumor" He explained that the seizure was related to the past trauma, radiation, and chemo that my brain has endured over the past year. We celebrated tonight with a pot of Remedy Relief tea and My Dad's Carrot cake. I an restricted by law because of the seizure from driving for 6 months! And will be taking Keppra, a anti-seizure med indefinitely.



I do want to thank everyone for the support given during this last horrible and scary episode in this journey. Our refrigerator and freezer has swollen with wonderful food which helps sooo much with all the company here.

My Love to ALL!

Richard

What can I say?

I had such great plans for this post......Wednesday night Richard and I had just gotten back from a beautiful two day retreat at the Whidbey Island Institute for cancer patients and their caregivers. We felt so strong and so loved. We felt rested and were so excited to get home. Richard took some beautiful pictures while we were there and I couldn't wait to share them with all of you. It truly was two heavenly days of total renewal.

But......how rapidly things can change. I am so sad writing this to all of you tonight. I know how close you follow our journey. I feel you all sending prayers and positive thoughts. I feel all your wonderful support. I have watched you all hold us....embrace us with love and caring....and tonight.....I am overwhelmed and so sorry that I have to write this post. Please....after reading this....take a moment to breathe and get centered again in your world. This is hard and I want you all to be O.K. Then please hold my beautiful husband closely in your heart.

We arrived home last night at around 7:30 p.m. Emily, who is living with us now until the middle of November, met us at the door with such a huge smile and warm hugs. The three of us were so happy....just being home. After a quick dinner and a facial (I know...where does this fit it? It just seems important because Emily and I love doing them together) Emily, Richard and I had settled down to read e-mail......the fire was going, the dogs were asleep and we were just quiet....peaceful.....

At around 9:30 p.m. Richard didn't answer me when I was sharing something that I had read in my e-mail. I called his name....and looked over.....and........................I'm sitting here not even knowing what to say..........................I am at a loss for words........................deep breath..... Richard was having a terrible seizure!!!!! Every time I close my eyes...I relive the next 30 minutes in detail....and it is a total horror story. I am too tired and the details too painful and gruesome to describe what happened...but 911 was called, they arrived, and we arrived at St. Joseph's ER breathless and scared beyond words.....all of us.....Emily, Richard and I.

The story continues over the next seven hours. Right now, I want you to have the most important facts. Maybe more details will come later but I don't think this is going to be my best piece of writing. Please bear with me.

Seizures are part of brain cancer. I have been so grateful that, up until last night, we had not had to experience one. Through my own reading, more reading and even more reading....I knew that the possibility of this complication lurked out there. I was totally prepared to deal with it....and frankly I think I did O.K. My only regret is that I had not told our children of the high incidence of seizures with brain cancer. Emily was totally unprepared for this. You can only imagine how frightening it was for her to witness such a terrifying event....to have it be happening to her Father....and to have to play such an important role in the next 24 hours. She was amazing!!!! I am sosososo proud of her.

One of the common complications of the chemotherapy regime that Richard is currently on can be an increased chance of internal bleeding....usually in the brain or in the stomach. That was our biggest fear. The second fear was that new tumor growth and swelling of the brain could also cause a seizure. And the third fear.....was that we may not ever know what caused the event other than the trauma of the last year on his poor brain.

Quite soon I felt like I needed support in making some very crucial decisions that I knew were coming in the next few hours.My first call was to our dear friend Betsey (actually I called her as we headed to the hospital)...who has walked beside us through this journey, seeming to be beside me taking every step I have taken. She miraculously arrived at the hospital and took her post in the waiting room....helping me initially with calming Emily and then supporting me by making necessary calls as I was back with Richard and the doctors. I mainly felt like I needed Richard's sister and brother-in-law with me to help hear the doctors and to assist me in the process of getting Richard the best care possible. Betsey got hold of them and they immediately got in the car and drove from Everett in record time. After a while I encouraged Betsey to go home....I knew one of the front line needed sleep. Emily called her brother. I suggested that he stay in Seattle...because initially I didn't know if we were going to end up there right away or not.

I also made the decision not to call anymore family or friends until morning. I felt strongly that I would badly need a group of people to be clear minded later........ None of these decisions, at this point, are ever easy. I immediately start worrying about hurting people's feelings, insulting family members, etc. But during this past year I've gotten really good at quickly slapping myself around until I get out of that head space. All I could think of was immediate decisions....and clarity for what may come later.

It was quickly determined, after a CT scan, that Richard did not have a brain bleed. We were so thankful. But unfortunately other than that nothing conclusive was shown. The ER doctor did call our neurologist in Seattle and conversed with him about what needed to happen next. It was decided that immediately we needed to make sure that Richard didn't have another seizure. He was given a loading dose of dilantin (1000 mg. infusion) with a plan to start a daily dose given orally (300 mg) until we are able to meet with our Neurologist. Being given this amount of anti-seizure medication significantly reduces Richard's risk of having another occurrence in the near future.

The additional plan was for us to contact Richard's Oncologist and the Neuroscience folks at Swedish Hospital as soon as I could in the morning. It was decided that the most imperative thing was that we get Richard down to Seattle to have an MRI at Swedish and also have that MRI and Richard's physical health evaluated by his Neurologist, Dr. Foltz.

After the dilantin infusion and also a typical response to a gran mal seizure Richard was very shaky, woozy and extremely tired. He dozed on and off over the next seven hours, but also seemed to become a little more oriented as time went by. Thankfully he wasn't remembering any of the seizure or what happened immediately before or after (What a blessing that was for him!!!! I am praising the Universe for that!!!) but he was VERY puzzled regarding why this happened (quickly blaming the tomato soup we had for dinner!!!) and of course very afraid.

Pam and Scott left the hospital at around 3:00 a.m. and found a motel room for the night. Emily and I were able to take Richard home at around 5:30. Getting him in from the car was very interesting....but we made it. He immediately fell into a peaceful sleep. Emily was also able to sleep. Again, I said a prayer of gratitude. Of course I, Ms. Hyper-active, had a difficult time settling down. I think I slept about an hour and a half.

Today Richard has done fine. He's very tired and "wonky".....my term for walking real funny, slurring his speech and having hooded eyelids all due to the huge dose of dilantin. He is mentally intact....slowly putting time back together and remembering more details of everything as our day has moved on. He took naps but most of the time was with us...being his usual self...taking notes in his tumor timer, using his cool white out pen, and wearing his helmet again. This was a unanimous decision.....for now when he's walking the helmet is on!!!!

I've called all the doctors and so far it looks like Dana will take us to Swedish on Sunday evening where Richard and I will stay at the Swedish Inn (at the hospital). Monday morning at 7:15 we will check into the radiology department for an MRI. We will see Dr. Foltz at 1:30 that afternoon. Dana and Pam will be with us. That evening, hopefully, we will go to Everett with Pam and spend the night with her and Scott. Richard has his chemo on the next day. His Father is coming on Tuesday morning from Wenatchee to take us to Richard's chemo appointment and then he will drive us back to Bellingham that evening. He will stay with us for a couple of days.........which is wonderful!!!! Phew!!!

However....all of the above paragraph may change.....because the Oncologist's office called me back this evening to make sure that Richard was being seen immediately by the Swedish team. When I told them we couldn't get in until Monday they indicated that that was unacceptable. So........they are calling the powers that be and we may be heading to Swedish sooner than Monday. Poof!!!! Good planning shot to Hell!!!! Oh well!!!

Dana is on his way home tomorrow for the weekend. Alex has called and offered to come home......but I wanted him to wait.... His strength will be needed next week as we know more. Pam and Scott, my beautiful brother and sister, are tucked back into their lovely home in Everett after a long night and morning with us. Our parents are all safe. My sisters are waiting to help in anyway they can. Betsey has been calling the friends list, Janelle has been writing e-mails to everyone and helping with phone calls, my sister Jodee came by and made us lunch and gave her little sister big hugs and guidance, Jody McNamara delivered a wonderful Thai dinner from our favorite restaurant....and I know there are lots of other things going on in the background....other people who are helping and rallying. Please forgive me if I've forgotten anyone.

Richard went to bed around 8:00 p.m. and is sleeping peacefully. I just heard sweet Emily turn off her light so she is on her way to slumbering. And Jamaica and I are here........trying to relax and thinking about going to bed. So far sleep is not part of this girl's experience...but I trust it will come.

Well...My Word!!! You must all be exhausted!!!! This is VERY long. Sorry......but on little sleep and with high emotion running through my veins....I just couldn't be succinct. I promise that I will keep you all informed as things progress.

My gut feeling is that the Universe wants us all to experience the "full-meal-deal" of the brain cancer journey. A seizure is part of that. Now that it is over....we have done the WHOLE brain cancer thing and I'm sure the chemo is working, the enhanced, suspicious areas are shrinking, and soon Richard will join the ranks of "the long term survivors". None of us can give up Hope. Nothing can take Hope away from us. Hope continues to give us strength to continue this walk.

And Richard would want me to remind everyone....that one of the many lessons to be learned from our experience is that Love is it!!!! Loving each other, living in the awareness of love during every moment of our day....giving and receiving love....AHHHHHHH!!!! That is bliss. Please live in juicy, glowing bliss.....with us!!!!

Blessings,Sherri

I promised.....

I promised everyone some pictures of our past couple of weeks..... Here they are!!! Enjoy!!!

SAILING

Emily and Jason took Richard sailing around Bellingham Bay. It was an event put on by the Bellingham Yacht Club. They really had fun!

CAMPING IN OUR LITTLE TOY HOME

These pictures are from a short camping trip that Richard, I and the dogs took to Deception Pass. We had a wonderful time. We met our new RVing buddies, Helen and John there.

SILVER LAKE

The most excitiing part of our camping trip was that Richard got to put his new canoe in the lake. He loved it and it was a blast watching everyone enjoy going around the beautiful lake. Richard was grinning from ear to ear as he rowed his two kids in the canoe. The last photo is of Alex and his girlfriend, Brianna.

Everyone enjoyed their time on the lake. Jazzy and Mali got to swim!!!! That is their favorite thing!!!

Of course the most fun was the time around the campfire....just talking. It was surprisingly cold at night.....and we needed the fire to keep us warm. We have such a wonderful family. This was such a celebration.....a celebration of just being together.

Here they are! The whole gang!!! Jason, Alex, Emily, Brianna (Alex's girlfriend), Dana and Amy (Dana's girlfriend)!!! Aren't they amazing?!? It was so awesome having the whole gang together. Guess who staged the kissing shot?

Of course......I can't let the chance for a kiss go by!!!!