This is not for light weights (wieghts)

Richard....my beautiful Richard....has been gone for one month today. One may ask, "What have you been doing since he's been gone?" I would honestly have to reply, "Learning how to live without my beloved husband." It has been a daunting task. Thank God I don't remember a lot of it. But what I know intimately is that I have never in my life experienced such heart break and pain. It is a roller coaster ride, for sure. Sometimes I'm O.K. and then boom....my eyes fill up with tears and I can't talk....I've come to accept that that is part of grieving. I'm just not use to being so vunerable and fragile.

The children are all back in their own homes and back to work. They are trying desperately to live their lives. They are so amazing....they march on....miss their Dad tremendously, but are moving forward. Again, I am touched by their awesome courage. Richard, I know, is so proud of them. They can't see it now....but I see a new wisdom about them....a gift that they have received during this experience. They are taking care of themselves and I love them so much.

There is a lot to do when someone dies. Some of the tasks are easy to walk through, but many of them are very difficult. All the paperwork, visiting the funeral home, telephone calls, visits to City Hall, going to our banks, talking to social security, learning where ALL the paperwork is, getting caught up on the bills that became unimportant during the last couple of months and, the worst of all, filing the dreaded taxes. It's kept me busy and it's made me "act" competent and required me to pay attention to details which takes up my entire brain. I've learned that it can surprisingly be a good break from the grief. Again....I just keep doing the "do". So far all the "to-dos" are going well but I'm not done yet.

I've tried to honor the pain and the process surrounding the loss of my life partner. For once in my life...I am sitting with pain....forcing myself not to run like crazy....but just sitting and being. I wear Rick's cozy shirts and his socks all the time. They bring me such comfort...he feels so close to me when I have them on. I spend a lot of crazy time in our walk-in closet...touching his treasures, smelling all his hats, lining up his shoes carefully, holding his stethoscope....all the things that bring him nearer to me. And I sob and sob and sob....a deep wailing, primal, cry that I'm sure has been done by others who have experienced loss for centuries before me. I know it sounds insane...maybe it is....but it feels like I have to do this and that someday...as time moves on I believe the need will not be as strong.

I've had a few horrible nights...long and very frightening...but just when I'm feeling like I can't go on...something miraculous happens. Last night was one of those nights....I was forlorn and very tired. I went into my art studio and I looked out the window....and there was the moon....huge, golden orange, hovering over the roof of my neighbors home. My breath caught...and my soul filled with peace and love and I believe...Richard. Later that evening I went out back with the dogs for our last ball playing. Out back my neighbors have these huge trees....huge...that have lost all their leaves...they are so majestic against the night sky. Last night as I looked at them through my tears, I saw our Omak star twinkling at me. Oh Richard, thank you for touching my heart. Everything became O.K.

Please don't send out the medics with a straight jacket. I'm doing fine. After those moments I actually feel the most calm and centered. I believe that Richard is orchestrating those special times...just so I will stop and remember how much he loved me and believed in me. At those moments I feel that I am the best I can be. I remember who I really am.

Richard, I believe, surrounds all of us as we move through our busy days. He is there when we see beauty. He is there when we care and comfort someone. He is there when we love honestly and openly. He is there when we become peaceful in our own beings. He is there when we let ourselves experience stillness. He is there when we experience each moment in our day to the fullest.

I love you all. Thank you for all your kindness. I continue to be touched by all the acts of pure love that surround me. Until next time....

Blessings,

Sherri