And time moves on...slowly

Before Richard died, Emily bought him a star and named it Omak. Omak is the name that we all called Richard...it's a long story but when it is interpreted it means (to the kids and I) Omak....the man of great wisdom and grace. Emily is the daughter of Omak, Dana is the son of Omak. Alex is the step-son of Omak. And I am Omak's wench!!!! Anyway we had so much fun over the past year and a half calling Richard Omak, bowing to Omak, naming his favorite chair the Omak Chair....and on and on..... Anyway he loved it that Emily bought him a beautiful star and that she named it Omak. Since the first night that he had the Omak Star paperwork we have called Venus....the Omak Star. We know it isn't really....but we pretend and we've seen it every night over the past few weeks.

These past few nights, when I've taken the dogs outside, I've seen the Omak Star. It has given me some wonderful "peace" and connection to Richard. Tonight (night two of being alone without Dana and Emily) the star was covered by clouds....but as I sat down and waited for the dogs....the clouds cleared and the star shone with brillance. I was feeling so lonely...and so full of pain....but then the star came out and I felt totally grounded. How blessed I am to have the star in my life.

Wednesday we went to Orcas Island to see Alex. We had a wonderful time...perfect!!! We hiked up to this little spot on Mt. Constitution and let off helium balloons....yelling that we loved Richard. The clouds parted and the balloons rose and rose, together, and went through this perfect opening in this white fluffy cloud. It was beautiful!

The three dogs went with us....(even Jamaica, who we carried everywhere). Alex took us to this beautiful beach and Mali and Jazzy swam while all of us drank an ice cold beer in tribute to Omak. Richard loved the salt water. He would have loved us all being together, jumping around, throwing the ball for the dogs and toasting the most amazing husband and father. It was a wonderful memorial. Alex was the perfect host....and it was a special time just being together.

Thursday night....we had more gut wrenching sadness as Jamaica started having trouble breathing. The breathing problems went on all day...but when Emily got home he was really struggling. She and I ended up taking him to the emergency vet...and we had to put him to sleep. Again, Emily and I held someone who we loved and helped them transition onto the next life.....I kept whispering to him that Richard would be there waiting for him.....I believe that...it made it easier for all of us. You know things are really bad when the vet. and her assistant are crying with Emily and I. It is another loss...but Jamaica had a long, wonderful life...we all know that he did, but it seems perfect that Richard has his "little buddy" with him.

My pain is touchable...I can smell it, feel it, taste it...but I know that paying attention to these feelings is in some horrible way paying honor to my beloved Richard. I spend alot of times looking at pictures of our family. It feels so good seeing him looking healthy and happy. We had so many magical moments together.....I am so thankful for every single one of them.

I'm still having trouble seeing people. It will get easier (won't it?????) but right now I am asking for patience from my many friends who want to help. I still feel as though I am recuperating...and tending to myself and my family. That feels like that's all I can handle.

I have treasured the cards and letters from friends, relatives and even people I don't know but who were touched by Richard somewhere during their lives. He touched many people....I know that....but hearing everyone's special words about him has touched me deeply.

I think of all my friends and family often throughout the day. I feel you all still praying for us. Thank you so much. This time is a difficult part of the journey. I definately don't know exactly what I am doing...but this time also feels so blessed and important.

Blessings to all of you!!!

Love Sherri

We just keep doing.....

Life is moving on....very slowly....and it feels like we are in a unchartered territory where everything is strange and activities feel different. I knew that life would never be the same without Richard but I never expected that my own body and skin would feel so foreign and unfriendly. Since the morning that Richard took his last breath, my own rhythm and breathing has felt stilted and shallow.

We are all still very aware of those last few days with Rick. I seem to be re-living every moment...but yet not recalling the sequence of things. It seems as though that week happened simultaneously...a flash here, a flash there...and a seering pain which at any other time would have knocked me flat.

My compass...or maybe my map....is all controlled by a constant reviewing of what Richard would want to happen....what would he expect....am I acting as he would want me to act. I ask myself constantly if I'm pushing myself enough while at the same time wondering if being quiet and just at home surrounded by Richard is the perfect thing to do. What I know for sure....nothing feels right yet.

Dana, Emily and I have hung on to each other over the past eight days. We understand the level of grief.....the level of pain. We accept where each of us are, support our attempts to do things....and then we're there for one another as we return to our safe haven. For me...they are Richard.....and being with them is being with a safe "me"...the mother, the lead in this experience.

I know they need to get back to their "normal" lives. Emily went to work today....I am so proud of her. Dana has plans to leave for Seattle tomorrow...but if that doesn't feel right for him we both have agreed that he can come back without judgement. They're both worried about me....but I've assured them over and over.....that I'm going to have really hard times, but that I'm going to be O.K. I know that this pain will change...and that remembering the bad things will diminish over time and then the good memories will become part of my daily experience. I am anxious for the memories of the week before his death to stop flashing in my mind....I never know when these episodes will hit and the safest place for me to be is here at home in the safeness of the place Richard loved most.

I want to move through this with awareness and love. I believe that I have grown tremendously....but testing this growth seems way too scary now...just little steps. The scariest moments is when I can't feel richard within my soul....I panic that I may be losing him...but then I can stop, breathe and get in touch with his shining essence. So much of that can help me move forward.

Your prayers and special thoughts have brought such warmth to all of us. Thank you for the way you have all continued to support us. It is amazing to see how many people can be touched by the sweetness of one blessed man. I truly believe he is with us all.

Love Sherri

Sadly

It is with deep sadness that I am writing this entry. My beloved husband, Richard, passed away early this morning at 1:10 a.m. surrounded by his loving family. There is so much that I want to say....but now just doesn't seem to be the time. I do want everyone to know that the last 30 minutes of Richard's life was amazingly beautiful. I believe that he was totally at peace.

I love Richard deeply. He was a courageous warrior until the end.

Thank you for including us in your thoughts and prayers. I promise that I will write more later when I feel more rested.

Until then....as always....my love,

Sherri

What day is it?

Richard continues to stay with us....after many days of a grueling fight. His heart is strong...but he is growing so very weary. We gather around him, as a family, tending to his needs and taking care of one another. The depth of sorrow is intense...deeper than any of us imagined. But we are a strong force....insuring that Richard is comfortable and full of peace.

Today, David, our blessed Hospice Nurse, had to remove Richard's wedding ring because his hands are swelling. My heart broke as I sobbed with tears from my deepest, darkest place. I ran from the room and Dana found me, then lifted me from the floor and held me quietly, reminding me that we were all going to make it through this nightmare....somehow....together. He assured me that Pam had placed the ring on a special necklace that Richard has been wearing around his neck.

This afternoon I went to give Richard a kiss on his forehead......time stopped for me.....as I noticed that my beautiful husband had his hands around his necklace...holding his wedding ring in his beautiful fingers.

Blessings and miracles continue to surround us.

Tenderly,

Sherri

How can it be time to say Good-bye?

We have been told by Hospice that it will not be long before this journey is over. I knew that we were at this point...but hearing it brought it deep into my being. I am afraid and yet I feel determined to remain strong for Richard. My only wishes are for him to be totally comfortable and for our family to have the closure that everyone needs. I feel as thought Richard and I have said all there is to say between us on this earthly plain...I know how he feels about me and I know he feels my love and committment. I also know that this will not be the end of our communication....it will be different but we still we feel each other's love forever more. I know I will see him often....in the beauty around me, in his children's eyes, in the sunshine, in the dahlias that we grew together...and I believe he will be a part of me forever....guiding me, believing in me, proud of my accomplishments.



I have been blessed in many ways in my life....but my biggest blessing will always be the time I have spent with Richard A. Estes. He has helped me become a better person. He has tenderly shown me my best self. And he has believed in me totally and without hesitation. He has loved me as I have never been loved before. I feel honored to be his partner....it truly has been my most meaningful role.



Richard has slipped into a place that I believe is between two worlds. He has said that it is a fuzzy place.... I know that he is prepared to move from this world to another. I know his transition will be warm, peaceful and full of light. He will be surrounded by those who love him and are waiting to stay by his side as he moves into a new reality. I believe, and I know he does to, that he is about to find his true spiritual essence. God will come to him and he will be whole.



This is excruiating for me and for all of us. The pain is intense...so real and massive that I often question whether I can bear it. This is the hardest thing I have ever done....but I know that I must open my arms, take a deep breath and let him go...with love and gratefulness.



How will I make it? I truly have no idea. Will I be able to bear the pain? I'm not sure. But my beliefs tell me that this is all part of my own spiritual journey. I need to honor Richard's and my time together. I must take time to pay deep attention to my heart, to love and to my own compassion. Only then will healing begin.



Please pray for us. There are many of us...all trying to do something that is very foreign and do it with grace, love and respect. Pray that we can all find the way to join together and gain strength from our unity. Pray that we can remember Richard's love for us and his peace and courage. His light shines over us all.



Please take care of yourselves and your loved ones. You are all important pieces of the puzzle that is Richard's life.



Blessings,



Sherri