Life is moving on....very slowly....and it feels like we are in a unchartered territory where everything is strange and activities feel different. I knew that life would never be the same without Richard but I never expected that my own body and skin would feel so foreign and unfriendly. Since the morning that Richard took his last breath, my own rhythm and breathing has felt stilted and shallow.
We are all still very aware of those last few days with Rick. I seem to be re-living every moment...but yet not recalling the sequence of things. It seems as though that week happened simultaneously...a flash here, a flash there...and a seering pain which at any other time would have knocked me flat.
My compass...or maybe my map....is all controlled by a constant reviewing of what Richard would want to happen....what would he expect....am I acting as he would want me to act. I ask myself constantly if I'm pushing myself enough while at the same time wondering if being quiet and just at home surrounded by Richard is the perfect thing to do. What I know for sure....nothing feels right yet.
Dana, Emily and I have hung on to each other over the past eight days. We understand the level of grief.....the level of pain. We accept where each of us are, support our attempts to do things....and then we're there for one another as we return to our safe haven. For me...they are Richard.....and being with them is being with a safe "me"...the mother, the lead in this experience.
I know they need to get back to their "normal" lives. Emily went to work today....I am so proud of her. Dana has plans to leave for Seattle tomorrow...but if that doesn't feel right for him we both have agreed that he can come back without judgement. They're both worried about me....but I've assured them over and over.....that I'm going to have really hard times, but that I'm going to be O.K. I know that this pain will change...and that remembering the bad things will diminish over time and then the good memories will become part of my daily experience. I am anxious for the memories of the week before his death to stop flashing in my mind....I never know when these episodes will hit and the safest place for me to be is here at home in the safeness of the place Richard loved most.
I want to move through this with awareness and love. I believe that I have grown tremendously....but testing this growth seems way too scary now...just little steps. The scariest moments is when I can't feel richard within my soul....I panic that I may be losing him...but then I can stop, breathe and get in touch with his shining essence. So much of that can help me move forward.
Your prayers and special thoughts have brought such warmth to all of us. Thank you for the way you have all continued to support us. It is amazing to see how many people can be touched by the sweetness of one blessed man. I truly believe he is with us all.
Love Sherri
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5 comments:
vathanks so much for your note! i long to help you & of course there is nothing i can do right now. i think of you & your kids so often. we continue to burn your candle EACH evening & sent up prayers for comfort, healing, & hope. Please know that you are SOOOOOO loved!!!
Thank you Sherri for continuing this journal. For some of us it is how we remain close to you, from afar. You seem to still be walking with grace as you always have. And we all "feel" Richard, just as you do, in our own special ways as we came to know and love him. love and light, Deb
Sherri,
I have not been following this blog since last summer, but I was compelled to see if you had written anything after hearing from the kids about your day on the Island.
I don't need to read it to know that you have managed to meet pain and anguish with love and courage. The time we've spent together has been inspiring to me on so many levels.
I am so grateful to you for being like a second mom to my kids. I don't know if I would have been able to walk through their dad's death with them if you were anyone except who you are. Even though they're technically grown up ,without the love & support you've given them I would feel like a single parent, alone in the ache in my heart for them. The fact that you are going through your own grief, and are still able to be there for them is amazing . They are fortunate to have the benefit of having the love of "two moms."
Even before Richard got sick, you treated them as if they were your own. Not everyone is capable of that. I feel so fortunate that you are who you are.
I also have to say how happy I am that Richard found true love in his relationship with you. While I always loved Richard, we were not "soul mates". I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that because of you, the final chapter of his life was one filled with love and the knowledge that he was appreciated for the amazing man he was.
I hope that we can continue to turn to each other for support in matters surrounding my kids. I will always have a shoulder and/ or an ear available for you.
Sherri,
You continue to amaze me as you walk through this next stage of your life, always filled with grace and dignity. My heart aches to help you and yet don't want to be intrusive at this most private and sacred time. Please know I am but a phone call away.
love to you all
Joanne
Sherri-
Been thinking about you and wondering how you are getting thru. It was so nice to hear that you are doing fine and that you will be okay (exactly what I had thought). Grief is dealt with in so many stages and it seems to go back and forth between them. I agree that soon you will be able to put the bad visions to bed and only remember the good ones.
Take care and when you are feeling up to it...please email me as I have an idea for you, that maybe you have not thought of. Not urgent but kind of cool if you haven't already thought of it.
Take good care,
Kim (an old friend of Richard's)
kaydeescorgis@msn.com
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