And time moves on...slowly

Before Richard died, Emily bought him a star and named it Omak. Omak is the name that we all called Richard...it's a long story but when it is interpreted it means (to the kids and I) Omak....the man of great wisdom and grace. Emily is the daughter of Omak, Dana is the son of Omak. Alex is the step-son of Omak. And I am Omak's wench!!!! Anyway we had so much fun over the past year and a half calling Richard Omak, bowing to Omak, naming his favorite chair the Omak Chair....and on and on..... Anyway he loved it that Emily bought him a beautiful star and that she named it Omak. Since the first night that he had the Omak Star paperwork we have called Venus....the Omak Star. We know it isn't really....but we pretend and we've seen it every night over the past few weeks.

These past few nights, when I've taken the dogs outside, I've seen the Omak Star. It has given me some wonderful "peace" and connection to Richard. Tonight (night two of being alone without Dana and Emily) the star was covered by clouds....but as I sat down and waited for the dogs....the clouds cleared and the star shone with brillance. I was feeling so lonely...and so full of pain....but then the star came out and I felt totally grounded. How blessed I am to have the star in my life.

Wednesday we went to Orcas Island to see Alex. We had a wonderful time...perfect!!! We hiked up to this little spot on Mt. Constitution and let off helium balloons....yelling that we loved Richard. The clouds parted and the balloons rose and rose, together, and went through this perfect opening in this white fluffy cloud. It was beautiful!

The three dogs went with us....(even Jamaica, who we carried everywhere). Alex took us to this beautiful beach and Mali and Jazzy swam while all of us drank an ice cold beer in tribute to Omak. Richard loved the salt water. He would have loved us all being together, jumping around, throwing the ball for the dogs and toasting the most amazing husband and father. It was a wonderful memorial. Alex was the perfect host....and it was a special time just being together.

Thursday night....we had more gut wrenching sadness as Jamaica started having trouble breathing. The breathing problems went on all day...but when Emily got home he was really struggling. She and I ended up taking him to the emergency vet...and we had to put him to sleep. Again, Emily and I held someone who we loved and helped them transition onto the next life.....I kept whispering to him that Richard would be there waiting for him.....I believe that...it made it easier for all of us. You know things are really bad when the vet. and her assistant are crying with Emily and I. It is another loss...but Jamaica had a long, wonderful life...we all know that he did, but it seems perfect that Richard has his "little buddy" with him.

My pain is touchable...I can smell it, feel it, taste it...but I know that paying attention to these feelings is in some horrible way paying honor to my beloved Richard. I spend alot of times looking at pictures of our family. It feels so good seeing him looking healthy and happy. We had so many magical moments together.....I am so thankful for every single one of them.

I'm still having trouble seeing people. It will get easier (won't it?????) but right now I am asking for patience from my many friends who want to help. I still feel as though I am recuperating...and tending to myself and my family. That feels like that's all I can handle.

I have treasured the cards and letters from friends, relatives and even people I don't know but who were touched by Richard somewhere during their lives. He touched many people....I know that....but hearing everyone's special words about him has touched me deeply.

I think of all my friends and family often throughout the day. I feel you all still praying for us. Thank you so much. This time is a difficult part of the journey. I definately don't know exactly what I am doing...but this time also feels so blessed and important.

Blessings to all of you!!!

Love Sherri