I've had a very quiet few days after a very busy but wonderful weekend. The dogs and I have been alone....we've had few phone calls, I've made few phone calls and we've been moving slowly except during our walks. There were many moments where I didn't really know what to do.....but I did alot of resting and thinking, thinking way too much, trying to remember to focus on the here and now not behind or forward. Deep breaths helped, relaxation sometimes loosened me up, house cleaning kept me busy.....but that nasty "critic" came forward way too often.
I have these old tapes playing in my head. I believe that the messages from these tapes are horrible and incorrect, however, it is easy to hear them running when I let my guard down. Who knows where they originated from....it doesn't matter....what matters now is getting rid of them for good and replace them with new messages that are empowering and good. Richard hated those old tapes. He felt, at times, that they were stronger than either one of us and he hated how limiting they made things for me. He hated tha anguish that they brought me and one of his biggest wishes was that I could whole heartedly believe him when he said I was a beautiful person, creative, smart, strong, compassionate, intuitive, graceful, lovable, etc. Of course our relationship helped me move forward in minimizing those tapes...but still sometimes I would forget and slip back into the evil messages and let them be stronger than anything else.
My biggest regret is that Richard died without me ever totally turning off those old tapes and that brought him great sadness. I am so full of sorrow that he could not see me totally free of those old messages, that I did not live totally free of fear and unsureness and that I couldn't always see my best self. Our happiest times were when I was full of love for myself and others....especially him. His diagnosis whacked me in the head and I realized that now was the time to get "over it" and I believe I made alot of progress, but every once in a while those tapes would still play. My beloved died without feeling that I had won the battle with my negative thoughts...and my heart rips open every time I think of that.
I miss Richard so much. Widowhood is not at all what I imagined. My "wanting" is so strong sometimes I am driven to the ground. I can't believe, still, that I will never see his eyes, touch his face, watch him build something. It is still unbelievable when I think of what we have all been through. I often feel him and I hear him reminding me of little things like when I'm walking in Cornwall Park he reminds me to look down, when I don't close the door on the laundry soap cupboard I hear him remind me to close it so I won't hit my head, when I leave the dishwasher open I hear him remind me to close it so that I won't accidently walk into it. I also hear him telling me he loves me and every night I say, "Goodnight Honey, I love you" and look at his picture (that was one of our nightly routines) and I swear I hear him say, "Good Night Honey, I love you too"!
But then I remember that his being gone is forever...for all of us.....he isn't going to come home from this long trip and just walk through the door, this wasn't a horrible nightmare that I just need to wake up from. The pain that that thought causes is different now....not as sharp and debilatating. The fog that I've been looking through has cleared a little. I know I'm making progress in learning how to live without him.
The road is a challenge and I am constantly working on it. I am determined to shut off the negative tapes forever and to live within the realization of my own goodness, compassion and strength. I am always reflecting on living with awareness and with love. I want to show Richard that his energy and love did make a huge difference in my life. That the work couldn't be done completely while he was on this earthly plain but that I am continuing to grow within his guidance even though he is gone. I believe he is watching me and I believe that he is proud.
So now I have to show him that those tapes have permanently been turned off. Oh how I wish I could just press a button and turn the machine off...but the voices are strong and when I am weak, sad, fragile the tapes are louder than ever.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Six Months......
Sometimes it feels like time is standing still and then sometimes it feels like it is rushing by. I feel stronger these days...less fragile...and less like I might burst out crying if someone stares at me. I miss Richard even more, I think. The permanence of him being gone forever seems to go deeper every day. I'm still often lost, not sure if I can find my way. I feel Richard near me alot. I feel him encouraging me and reminding me of my strength, my love and my compassion. He is still teaching me and loving me. It is comforting to know that no matter what, I will always be married to him...forever...... I also know that Richard doesn't want me to be in pain or to not get back into "life"....but believe me....this is hard.
Richard believed in the power of creative energy and thinking. He believed that, simply, in a world that often makes us feel powerless, using our creative minds is the most positive way to promote change. I use to tell him about the energy of my "play art classes" and how when I had six people playing, smiling and making beautiful art I felt such a power. Often I would comment that when working in my own studio I sometimes felt like I was connecting with others who were creating at the same time. He believed in the collective consciousness and he wanted to do something to add to the worlds creative energy.
So....we finished the outside art studio. It's a beautiful place and he worked so hard on it. He wanted to run classes out there...spiritual, my art classes and also let other's use the space to teach their own classes. It was a dream of his.....one that was on track..... But then Brain Cancer hit and well....you know the rest of the story.
I've been thinking alot about that space. I've been thinking about ways I could honor Richard's memory.....And I've decided to fulfill his dream of using the studio for teaching art. Since I'm not really ready to take on such a huge project....I've asked two other artists to join me. We are calling the space the Sparrow's Nest (Richard used sparrow in alot of his passwords) and our kick off celebration will be on September 18-20 with a women's retreat. It's exciting and it feels so right.
After our first meeting, one of the women that I am working with, Deborah, and I were going to dinner. We parked her car and started walking to the restaurant. She told me to look down and there walking on the ground beside me was a little bird. It walked with me to the restaurant and then flew away. I asked Deborah what kind of bird she thought it was and she replied, "A Sparrow"!!!!!! We both got cold chills. I don't need anymore clarification that Richard thinks this endeavor is a fabulous idea.
So......these next few months will be the creation of this program. I'm feeling excited and a little scared....because it feels huge. Tracy Vandermay and Deborah Moskowitz are the other two artists who are joining me. Tracy works primarily in the area of bead weaving and bead embroidary....but she also does alot of work with fiber. Deborah teaches "soul collage" and also teaches decorative goard making and basket weaving. They are two fabulous artists and two wonderful friends. They both are willing to help me make this happen and for that I am eternally grateful.
See....I haven't just been sitting around crying all day....I've been doing some of my own art, planning and dreaming about the Sparrow's Nest, walking the dogs, going to my usual bizillion doctor's appointments, going our a little and learning, in small tiny steps, how to live "onely". My heart is full and that feels wonderful!!!
Blessings,
Sherri
P.S. My step-daughter, Emily, just told me that I had counted wrong. The first title said seven months.....but its really only been six months. Sometimes I'm still acting pretty nuts. I've learned not to get scared when I do whacko things....I guess its part of the process!!!!! On Aug. 11th Richard will have been gone six months....it feels like forever. I miss you so much!!!!
Richard believed in the power of creative energy and thinking. He believed that, simply, in a world that often makes us feel powerless, using our creative minds is the most positive way to promote change. I use to tell him about the energy of my "play art classes" and how when I had six people playing, smiling and making beautiful art I felt such a power. Often I would comment that when working in my own studio I sometimes felt like I was connecting with others who were creating at the same time. He believed in the collective consciousness and he wanted to do something to add to the worlds creative energy.
So....we finished the outside art studio. It's a beautiful place and he worked so hard on it. He wanted to run classes out there...spiritual, my art classes and also let other's use the space to teach their own classes. It was a dream of his.....one that was on track..... But then Brain Cancer hit and well....you know the rest of the story.
I've been thinking alot about that space. I've been thinking about ways I could honor Richard's memory.....And I've decided to fulfill his dream of using the studio for teaching art. Since I'm not really ready to take on such a huge project....I've asked two other artists to join me. We are calling the space the Sparrow's Nest (Richard used sparrow in alot of his passwords) and our kick off celebration will be on September 18-20 with a women's retreat. It's exciting and it feels so right.
After our first meeting, one of the women that I am working with, Deborah, and I were going to dinner. We parked her car and started walking to the restaurant. She told me to look down and there walking on the ground beside me was a little bird. It walked with me to the restaurant and then flew away. I asked Deborah what kind of bird she thought it was and she replied, "A Sparrow"!!!!!! We both got cold chills. I don't need anymore clarification that Richard thinks this endeavor is a fabulous idea.
So......these next few months will be the creation of this program. I'm feeling excited and a little scared....because it feels huge. Tracy Vandermay and Deborah Moskowitz are the other two artists who are joining me. Tracy works primarily in the area of bead weaving and bead embroidary....but she also does alot of work with fiber. Deborah teaches "soul collage" and also teaches decorative goard making and basket weaving. They are two fabulous artists and two wonderful friends. They both are willing to help me make this happen and for that I am eternally grateful.
See....I haven't just been sitting around crying all day....I've been doing some of my own art, planning and dreaming about the Sparrow's Nest, walking the dogs, going to my usual bizillion doctor's appointments, going our a little and learning, in small tiny steps, how to live "onely". My heart is full and that feels wonderful!!!
Blessings,
Sherri
P.S. My step-daughter, Emily, just told me that I had counted wrong. The first title said seven months.....but its really only been six months. Sometimes I'm still acting pretty nuts. I've learned not to get scared when I do whacko things....I guess its part of the process!!!!! On Aug. 11th Richard will have been gone six months....it feels like forever. I miss you so much!!!!
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