Inside I'm SCREAMING!!!!

I've had a very quiet few days after a very busy but wonderful weekend. The dogs and I have been alone....we've had few phone calls, I've made few phone calls and we've been moving slowly except during our walks. There were many moments where I didn't really know what to do.....but I did alot of resting and thinking, thinking way too much, trying to remember to focus on the here and now not behind or forward. Deep breaths helped, relaxation sometimes loosened me up, house cleaning kept me busy.....but that nasty "critic" came forward way too often.

I have these old tapes playing in my head. I believe that the messages from these tapes are horrible and incorrect, however, it is easy to hear them running when I let my guard down. Who knows where they originated from....it doesn't matter....what matters now is getting rid of them for good and replace them with new messages that are empowering and good. Richard hated those old tapes. He felt, at times, that they were stronger than either one of us and he hated how limiting they made things for me. He hated tha anguish that they brought me and one of his biggest wishes was that I could whole heartedly believe him when he said I was a beautiful person, creative, smart, strong, compassionate, intuitive, graceful, lovable, etc. Of course our relationship helped me move forward in minimizing those tapes...but still sometimes I would forget and slip back into the evil messages and let them be stronger than anything else.

My biggest regret is that Richard died without me ever totally turning off those old tapes and that brought him great sadness. I am so full of sorrow that he could not see me totally free of those old messages, that I did not live totally free of fear and unsureness and that I couldn't always see my best self. Our happiest times were when I was full of love for myself and others....especially him. His diagnosis whacked me in the head and I realized that now was the time to get "over it" and I believe I made alot of progress, but every once in a while those tapes would still play. My beloved died without feeling that I had won the battle with my negative thoughts...and my heart rips open every time I think of that.

I miss Richard so much. Widowhood is not at all what I imagined. My "wanting" is so strong sometimes I am driven to the ground. I can't believe, still, that I will never see his eyes, touch his face, watch him build something. It is still unbelievable when I think of what we have all been through. I often feel him and I hear him reminding me of little things like when I'm walking in Cornwall Park he reminds me to look down, when I don't close the door on the laundry soap cupboard I hear him remind me to close it so I won't hit my head, when I leave the dishwasher open I hear him remind me to close it so that I won't accidently walk into it. I also hear him telling me he loves me and every night I say, "Goodnight Honey, I love you" and look at his picture (that was one of our nightly routines) and I swear I hear him say, "Good Night Honey, I love you too"!

But then I remember that his being gone is forever...for all of us.....he isn't going to come home from this long trip and just walk through the door, this wasn't a horrible nightmare that I just need to wake up from. The pain that that thought causes is different now....not as sharp and debilatating. The fog that I've been looking through has cleared a little. I know I'm making progress in learning how to live without him.

The road is a challenge and I am constantly working on it. I am determined to shut off the negative tapes forever and to live within the realization of my own goodness, compassion and strength. I am always reflecting on living with awareness and with love. I want to show Richard that his energy and love did make a huge difference in my life. That the work couldn't be done completely while he was on this earthly plain but that I am continuing to grow within his guidance even though he is gone. I believe he is watching me and I believe that he is proud.

So now I have to show him that those tapes have permanently been turned off. Oh how I wish I could just press a button and turn the machine off...but the voices are strong and when I am weak, sad, fragile the tapes are louder than ever.