So long.......

Every time I sit down and attempt to write on our blog...I begin to feel all weepy.....and I'm so afraid that people are going to find me a bit boring and self indulged. The fog continues to be there but on some days I can see much more clearly than on others. My heart aches when I think of everything all of us have been through. I am still amazed that Richard isn't going to pull up on his "manly" motorcycle and yell for me and announce that he is finally home. I'm still waiting..... I guess it isn't going to happen. That is devastating.

I have begun an eight week grief class......there are about ten of us and two facilatators. There is a book and a journal that goes with the class but mainly we just talk and talk and talk and cry and cry and cry. It's a safe place to talk about all the struggles of grief... This group distinguishes the differences between grief and mourning (I thought they were the same). They believe that grief includes the internal feelings, emotions, fears, etc. and that mourning are the actions we do externally to show our grief. That was an amazing distinction for me....

I see where I've been continuing the "strong Sherri" show and not really allowing myself to mourn my loss. I'm uncomfortable with people seeing me weak and out of control. It's important to feel strong and capable. And I'm learning that that may not work in this situation. I am trying to be aware of the real actions I am taking in mourning the loss of my husband....and I'm trying to be real about it all the time. It's exhausting but as one facilatator put it so perfectly...."Grief is not like a fine wine...it does not get better with age....it just stays bottled up". To express my sadness is a task I haven't been willing to take.

Now don't worry friends.....I'm not going to express all over you.....blubbering and crying our time away. What it means is that I am going to be more purposeful in how I express my grief.....especially privately. That expression is going to be my priority for a while and I think it will help me become more functional and will help me see more clearly. Richard deserves me to honor him with a mindful purpose. I deserve to be able to express how tired I am and how forlorn I feel. My own life feels foreign and I guess I have to become more comfy in it.

Speaking of honoring Richard.....we opened the Sparrow's Nest Studio this weekend with a three day retreat. We had eleven women in all and the three of us.....and believe me....magic was made. Richard was right there with us....and every woman stood beside me as we officially started his dream of providing a place for wonderful creative energy to form. I wanted everyone to know Richard....so I told some horribly silly stories about him and some of our escapades.....I talked about his tenderness and gentle spirit. Many of the women who came to the retreat spent a great deal of time with Richard during this brain tumor journey....I believe we all had time, this weekend, to grieve our loss...and to create in honor of him.

I can't figure out how to download my pictures.....but when I can figure it out I will post them for sure. The work that the participants did was amazing. We had snacks and wine Friday night for them and then on Sunday we served them all brunch (even with mimosas). I felt truly wonderful and amazed throughout the entire weekend. The power of women creating could be felt by all.

I will post again soon.....as soon as I get the picture part working. I want to share them with all of you!!!! Until then....we have a website: www.sparrowsneststudio.com. Go take a look at our Fall class line up. It's going to be fun!!!

I hope that these ending days of Summer have been full of love and joy for you.

Blessings,

Sherri