The days and weeks go flying by. It's so hard to believe that it has been almost six months since Richard's diagnosis. It seems like yesterday when I was sitting in Dr. Goodman's office hearing that my beloved husband had a brain tumor. I think, maybe, just a little bit, I may be coming out of the shock of the news and the events that followed.
It has been such a hard time....so challenging in so many ways........... Yet....it has also been such a blessed time. How can that be? And is it those two extremes that make me often feel like I am not part of this world anymore....as if I can't relate.....as if I don't fit in? My main teacher has not been the brain tumor....or the removal of it....but my Teacher has been Richard and also my own inner heart....the tumor has only given me a reason to listen and pay attention to every detail.
Richard is a natural teacher. He teaches by example....always..... He moves and acts with an awareness of humanity that is absolutely amazing. He truly is always asking....what would love do in this situation...and given that parameter he moves, makes decisions, acts with "light". I am often standing in awe of his depth of compassion and sensitivity....and in the congruency between his beliefs and his actions. To say I love him seems like such an understatement.
I have learned, too, that I am strong and capable. I'm not afraid of loving anymore....not just Richard....but truly moving through my days taking risks, listening, looking people in the eye, letting myself feel their own struggles, triumphs, happiness and fears and trusting that I have an inner wisdom that I can trust and rely on. All my fears are slowly growing smaller....and my ability to be genuine seems to be taking over. It isn't easy.....sometimes I am so overwhelmed and frightened I feel totally frozen....but if I find my heart, my soul, my "being"...I find the way...just for me....no one elses way....but my own. And I have to believe that that is right.
My favorite times, of course, are times when Richard and I are together...feeling easy in our experience.....talking, laughing, telling stories, making plans.....but mainly I love listening to him and being moved by his wisdom, his true loving nature, his committment to creating a reality of love, nuturance and health.
There are always the moments where my breath is totally taken away by the thoughts that someday I may have to experience a life without this man. I become frozen thinking that I may not always have him beside me. The fear is huge, dark and cold.....and so intense. And I don't believe that those moments will ever grow easier or even lessen in their occurence. I'm coming to accept that they are part of this total journey that we are on.
Sometimes these thoughts make me afraid that I'm losing my focus, my strength....but I'm learning that it is because of the depth of my strength and love that I am led to these places and that I will be OK. I'm learning to let myself "feel" it all....the good and the bad. I guess I'm learning to believe that you can't have one without the other. My breath seems to get me through these times....I can't run fast enough to get away from these thoughts....but I've become aware that sitting with them is not all that bad.
I love "tending" to Richard....the little things....getting him water, helping him take off his shoes, bringing the covers up around his neck when he has the chills, pulling his little hat down over his ears so he stays warm. I need to touch him....just simply.....my hand on his cheek, reaching out and touching his arm at night...not to wake him....but just to feel his warmth and his presence, holding hands, sitting in the chair with him as we watch TV, nuzzling his neck with my nose taking in his wonderful smell, rubbing his little bald head, rubbing my foot along his leg. It's these moments that my hands are the most tender....loving, nuturing, speaking...saying I love you. I've never been aware of that language....I am thankful I am learning it now.
We are doing well as we become more familiar with this journey. We are learning how to live with chemotherapy, bloodwork, anticipated MRIs, antibiotics, lots of pills, wierd food cravings, a new quietness in our lives. We continue to be so thankful for all of you.....we feel you thinking of us....you are part of our strength.
My love, Sherri
3 comments:
My Dear Friend Sherri,
your words are so potent. They fill the empty space of silence when words are unknown to express the insatiable emotion, state of being called L-O-V-E. You have that special way of encapsulating the very essence of what some of us are fortunate to feel, yet most of us do not have a partner with the current challenges Richard is dealing with. I am experiencing LOVE with a healthy partner and yet your description of LOVE is so familiar and similar. I suppose what am trying to type here now is that LOVE is truly healthy for us all. blessings, love and light, Deb
Sherri, It is so good to read your update. I marvel at your ability to express so eloquently how you are feeling and getting through this BT journey.Personally it has taken me 4 yrs into this journey to even begin to feel how you are feeling only 6 mths into it. You are strong and good and doing a awesome job living in this BT world.One day at a time. I am really trying to focus on enjoying one day, one hour and even one minute at a time because that is all any of us have whether we are BT pt or not. We can never know when our time here on earth will end. I focus on that because for almost 4 yrs now all I dwelled on was losing John and trying to figure out how I would move along is this world without him. Not anymore. Now it is all about making the most of the time we have now ,all that other stuff will fall into place when it has too. Enjoy the awesome love that you and Richard have. Breathe it in every minute of everyday and focus on that great gift. I love your updates, you give me strength and renew my focus on what is most important right now. Thank you. Love, Peace and Hope, Michele
Sherri.. this is beautiful.. I think of you often and hope we will see each other this year sometime.
I know life seems up and down and very uncertain, but your friends are here and they are thinking of you and Richard.
Much peace and light to you dear one!
xo
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