Amazing

I know that most of you have read Richard's post from this morning...but all morning I've been hearing our blog calling out and I felt like I wanted to post...but also felt a little frightened to post. Right now, I'm trying desperately to keep my wits about me because I know that we will be continually analyzing lots of information over the next two weeks....and I have to be clear and organized. Also...I know that I want to take loving care of my beautiful husband...be totally present with him, savoring every moment of our time together. That will take alot of emotional energy...energy well spent....believe me....it's an honor to stand beside this man through this experience...but I have to remain strong.

The news, yesterday, was truly devastating for all of us. Listening to the grim details of this recurrence was difficult but the worst part was, of course, telling our children, our families and our precious friends. We were able to move through it....together and we are doing O.K....one step at a time.

As we lay in bed last night....we finally cried. It was so wonderfully horrible.....so perfect. We had kept it together until we were safe...and then finally we were able to hold one another and let our hearts open with the pain and agony that has to be controlled most of the time as we march forward in this war against brain cancer. I don't know if my heart, my mind, my soul, my spirit has every hurt that badly. Now as I write this I really don't know if this pain can even be described at all. But laying, safely, in my husband's arms...I knew that I wanted to be no where else on earth. Even though the pain and sadness was horrible, I knew that by doing this I was going to be fine.....

Humorously....I know I am strong and capable...amazingly so....and I try to be BIG and TOUGH. Sometimes I can get pretty cocky about my strength through difficult situations. But I always have these barometers in my life that seem to keep me in check. I just went in to check my blood sugar before I eat lunch and it was over 400 (normal is 75-100)....oops. In my haste to get to the cancer center this morning...for our last appointment with the clinical trial nurse.....I forgot to give my long-acting insulin injection.....that and the stress make my blood sugars very brittle. HMMMMMM....I can pretend....but I always have reality smacking me in the face. I guess that on some level that is good.

My love today is so very close....love for Richard, my family, my precious friends, my dogs and the cat that really doesn't like me much.....I'm just full of love. I am touched by the care and warmth that is being sent our way....I can literally feel it, deep in my soul. Please take a moment and touch the ones you love this weekend....do it for us!!!! Let our experience remind all of us about the importance of love.........

I am holding you all very near.

Blessings,

Sherri

MRI report , new challenges

It was a difficult day. The 4/22 MRI does show findings consistent with recurrence. Dr. Congdon is hopeful and says there are some good options for treatment. His office is setting up appointments with Cyber-knife and neuro-surgical offices at Swedish in Seattle. I will need different chemo-therapy and will be dropped from the RTOG 2025 clinical trial. It apparently was not working anyway.. The Temador does prevent tumor growth in some people, but apparently not all.

We thank you all for your continued prayers and support and will keep you posted on developments as they arise.

With Love

Richard

Today is MRI day!!!

I have been suffering from a horrible case of PMS (pre-MRI-syndrome)....which means...not sleeping well, having trouble with motivation, very emotional, craving fish-n-chips, spending long moments staring at Richard, spending long moments doing absolutely nothing and participating in lots of household wandering. I know it will be over soon....but right now soon can't come fast enough. Richard's MRI is at 3:30 followed by some more bloodwork and then an evening, home together staying as busy as possible.

What a ride!!! That's all I can say. This past month has been more difficult than the others which I know is due to the "enhancement" on the last MRI and the concern that has followed. Richard has been, I believe, feeling more down.....well.....I know he has because he has said so. Maybe we have come to a place of acceptance...especially the acceptance of what a "long" journey this is going to be and an acceptance of the challenge to keep moving forward in the manner that we both want to. Looking back....it has been absolutely exhausting for both of us....but especially for Richard.

I wish that "loving" was enough....if that were so...we both would be sailing through this with ease. But sometimes the fear, the lack of clarity, the inability to make plans, the way this has made us sosososo different from other's....sometimes our love isn't enough.... I've come to accept that nothing will make these moments of struggle easier.....just trusting that it will pass is what gets us through.

Richard is so tired...from the effects of the chemo, the radiation and even,,.still...the brain surgery. He is weak, has lost weight, is mentally weary...and seems to cherish those moments of quiet. But yet I feel his frustration with his lack of stamina...his inability to do all the things he use to do. I try, desperately, to help pick up the slack...so that maybe he won't notice the things that have gone "undone"....but I, too, seem limited these days in the area of energy. He still remains such a teacher.....He sighs...and then reminds me how important contentment is as part of this journey. We've done enough, we have enough, we are enough.......

Pray for Richard today....as he travels into that scary machine....and has his picture taken. I feel you loving us....that is what truly is giving us strength to continue. We love you all....so much......

Love Sherri

La la Monday, Monday!!!!

Look at these precious pictures. My nephew Christoper and his beautiful wife Kim stopped by on their visit to see my sister in Blaine. They brought Nevia...our great niece...and Emily, Richard and I ooooohed and aaaaahed all over her. It was a magical visit. My nephew and his wife are such awesome people. I am very proud of them. I know how busy they are. It meant so much to have them take the time to bring Nevia to see us. My heart was so full the entire time they were with us. Watching my nephew tend to his family was quite moving and his wife is a tender, sweet Mommy who so is refreshing, calm and confident.

And the baby...I cannot tell you how magical it was to have a beautiful, wise baby in the house. She is amazing (I know...all babies are amazing...but this one is pretty special). I can't even begin to share with you the emotions I felt when Richard picked her up and began playing with her. It was as if I was watching one wise soul speaking to another. She saved all her grins and giggles for Uncle Richard and we all watched in awe. Emily was the photographer....and I think she caught the absolute miracle of the moments with Nevia. It was a blessed afternoon with them.

As most of you know....I spent four days away at an art retreat called ArtFest! This is a huge event (600 in attendance from all over the world) and I had made reservations to go way before Richard got sick. I won't write about the details of the time there (Maybe I will write all about it on my other blog) but I must tell you about "the going", my reasoning and my feelings while I was away.

I am learning the importance of taking care of myself as we progress through this journey. To that end I felt like it was almost mandatory that I go to ArtFest. I felt like I needed to immerse myself into something totally different than what has been going on in our lives recently. The decision to go was not an easy one.......and up until we left I still was feeling unsettled.....but at the same time I knew it was important for Rick and I to spend some time apart. The message to Rick was such an important one...."I believe that you are well....and that you can take care of yourself, our home, the animals, etc..... I see you as capable and strong." That message was equally as important for me.

I had a blast at ArtFest. I was surrounded by loving friends the whole time and I met many amazing people. But....whew.....I missed Richard, our home and our family. Dana and Emily were with their Dad (thank you guys....I love you both so much!!!!) and when I spoke to Richard I could tell that he was having a great time.....but oh my gosh....I missed him, them!!!! I loved my time away. ArtFest is known to be life changing and exhausting. I came home very tired but very anxious to put my arms around my husband. The homecoming was heavenly.

I will write more later.....lots to share....but for now the sun is shining.....Jamaica is barking at the door and I want to get this posted.

I love you all! Blessings!

Sherri