A Rainy Fall Day!

The perfect day for an entry!!!! Alleluia! Yesterday I saw the twinkle in my husband's beautiful eyes. It was a glorious day!!!

It's been a very long few days since his last chemo.....and of course I've been so worried. When you're in the middle of it (the days, usually about 9, after chemo.) it is so easy to forget that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...that there will be good days before we start all over again. But the amazing thing is....when he starts to twinkle again...we immediately forget the days of nausea, extreme fatigue and fogginess.... We begin to celebrate again...the beauty, the magic of our lives.

Richard and I have entered a cyclic pattern. I know it, I see it, I feel it I don't want to call it a rhythm because rhythms seem unable to be interrupted. I don't want this pattern to be a permanent part of my beloveds life. I am still very resistant to the power that this chemo therapy regime seems to have over everything we do. I don't know if its good or bad....but I am still battling with the suffering that I see Richard facing during those rough days. I refuse to become complacent with its becoming any part of our lives.

During the suffering...it's so hard to describe how Richard responds. I guess he "settles in to" the reality and tries to just "be" there. I see his response as incredibly courageous. He continues to show his amazing grace and strength. He seems to go to a place where I am not part of....very far away...maybe it is the "Land of Coping"... He seems comfortable there, almost as if he is willing to stay and rest and not be with me anymore. I know, in my head, that this isn't true...but I have an inkling that this is a Land where a special invitation is required.

I guess that that is my fighting spirit and yes, my fear. "Don't you dare make that place of coping more comfortable than the place I can provide!". "My place is much more loving (I hope) and full of the magic of marriage, family and friends". "My place is the place we have created together". "It's a good place". Why would he want to be anywhere else????? Why can't I provide him the place to rest? Why does he have to become part of this other world? Why can't I join him there? Why does he have to suffer at all?

I know why.... My love for my husband and my desire to fight this beast called brain cancer is way too much emotion and power during the times of physical struggling that comes with this journey. I am humbled....but....the fight is better set aside when the suffering is present...and it is a time when I have to "give care" and love and have that be all. It is a time when I have to stop trying so hard....and the worst....it is a time when I have to become quiet and stop talking. "Care Giving" does not mean fixing the problem.....it means sitting with the problem and trying to make it as comfortable as possible. It's the hardest, scariest thing I've ever done....but for absolute sure....I would not want to be doing anything else.

And I guess, that this is the blessing. I am learning to be quiet and just sit. To open my heart, to breathe, to pray.....most important....to watch and listen. And I am learning to stop trying to fix Richard. I am learning the lesson of just sitting beside someone as the struggle with core issues, beliefs and feelings continues on. And the most important.....I am learning to let it all be OK!!!! Oh my gosh...it is painful and hard...but it is a blessing.

Today it seems like a little of the suffering has waned and I see a twinkle, again, in his eyes. He's wearing my favorite hat...an African hat that I bought him last winter. He's organizing bills ( a sure sign that he is feeling better) and has his to-do list all lined up. My heart is open and feeling much more light and at ease. I guess this is the ebb and flow of this amazing journey we are on.

I don't think I've been appreciative enough regarding the continued thoughts, prayers, cards, meals and visits that keep coming our way. We love visits. With Richard not driving I believe that sometimes he feels really home bound.....even on his not so great days....visits are good for him. You are all our earthly angels. I include you in my thoughts and prayers too!!!! I'm trying to make quiet time a part of my day (self-care) and during those attempts (sitting, doing nothing is almost impossible for me), imagining all of your faces seems to help settle my mind. Thank you....for being such a huge part of my life.

Blessings to you all!

Sherri