Yesterday was Richard's birthday.....and it was a "you can do anything you want" kind of day...where we mainly took care of business, took the dogs swimming and then ended with dinner with Emily, Jason and Betsey. It was the perfect day.....the sun shining, warm, easy to be outside.....
This weekend promises to be a big one for our family. Everyone is gathering to formerly celebrate Rick's birthday on Saturday afternoon. We're planning a barbecue.....and it looks like most of our family will make it.....even his sister, Pam, and her husband from Everett are coming and also Rick's Dad from Wenatchee will be joining us for a few days. All the kids will be home too!!!!!!! And.....I can't forget our Mothers.....they will both be in attendance. Richard is really looking forward to it. I'm wondering, a little, how we're exactly going to handle the whole thing but I think we'll be OK. I know we will be OK.
Of course....everyday seems to bring new issues, challenges, and, thankfully, some beautiful blessings. Honestly....I see my husband struggling a bit and that is horrible to watch. The helplessness I feel and also the fear, at times, can be so intense....breath taking in a way.....He seems to move away from me....very far away.... Yesterday afternoon he got very tired and he stopped talking pretty much....just looked at me as if he had something to say.....but he couldn't collect it all together to put it into words. He'd mumble, "tired" or "hurting", and then just stare at the TV as if that was about all he could muster. Even dinner out seemed exhausting and when we got home I put him in bed, took his temp. (normal), rubbed his little head, and began my prayers to the Universe.........then I called my dear sister and she helped me sort it all out. Phew!!!! This is such a damn trip!!!!! Brain tumors, surgery, cancer, chemotherapy, brain trauma....none of it is easy for the patient. It is a shame....such a horrible shame.
What I know is that we have more moments of grandeur then we do of being lost. What I know is that together we are amazing. What I know is that we are learning to "live" with ALL of this, maybe not fighting it as much, but learning to live with it in a wierdly peaceful sort of way. What I know is that my husband is beautiful and grand. He still is surrounded by such a golden hue...twinkling as he walks, emitting love, joy, compassion. What I know is that he is gathering it all into a very deep space.....to his spirit.....and that he is healing and trying desperately to remain present for this part of the journey. What I know is that we love each other and that it is that love that we are giving others....opening to others....it is way big love....way beautiful love!!!!
Sometimes I know that we are grasping at each other and at the world....hanging on with a fierceness that is exhausting. I'm learning that it isn't necessary to do that.....that lightly touching the world is enough right now. We won't fall away and go to scary places. We are surrounded by hands that are holdinng us, warm that is protecting us from falling away forever. I am sad. I am still in awe that this is happening. I am aware that I am part of a miracle somehow.
Happy Birthday my beloved. You are loved by so many. People are out there watching you in total amazement.....wanting to sit by you and just be with you.
My love to all,
Love Sherri
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2 comments:
Dearest Richard,
I celebrate this event of your birth, for I am so grateful you were born that I can come to know you, and also you are the Angel that was born to shelter my dear friend Sherri with your strong wings of love. Deb
It has been so cold and wet this spring. Finally some good weather, perfectly timed for Richard's birthday. Wishing you both a beautiful day spent with your loved ones.
Lisa P.
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