On Our Way!

Well.....Today is the day for the MRI!!!! We're leaving at about 1:00 since our appointment isn't until 4:00. We are going all the way down to Swedish so that the MRI is done on the same machine as the last one in order to compare results more accurately. This is always a difficult time for people in the cancer world. So much rides on these results.

As I've said before, we call this time Pre-MRI Syndrome (PMS) since stress levels for everyone seem to increase. It can be seen in a variety of behaviors...eating way a lot before you know it, having two glasses of wine instead of just one, inability to remember one's name, moving from one task to the next without finishing the first, asking your beloved every five minutes, "How are you feeling?", and having difficulty staying away from scary thoughts. It's difficult, but like everything else on this journey, we get through it.

Unfortunately we probably won't hear the results until our next chemo appointment on Tuesday, September 2. That seems like forever away!!!!! I've deliberately left many chores for the next four days in order to keep myself busy. That seems to be the best way for me to get through the stress.

Richard is just incredible with this whole thing....or maybe he's just good at not letting his worries show. He's still suffering with side effects from the chemo. so I believe that is in the forefront of his mind right now. He's very achy and has frequent chills that are almost immobilizing. The muscle and joint pain make walking very painful....and he seems the most comfortable sitting in his chair with all his books, daytimer, phone and T.V. available. He is able to handle all of this with such beautiful grace. He hasn't lost his beautiful light....it still surrounds him.....letting me know that his soul is at peace with what is happening...reminding me that his faith is unfaltering. He continues to be my teacher. I often stand in awe!!!!

We know that we are surrounded by angels.....angels on this earthly plain and angels that surround us that we cannot see. We believe that somewhere this challenge makes sense...... All of our angels help us with the "how" of living with this disease. We are touched daily by so many acts of kindness.... Our hearts are full of love and thankfulness for all that we have. Thank you for continuing to keep Richard in your thoughts and prayers.

Love, love, love,

Sherri

It's raining....it's pouring!!!!

I am up early....again. Sleeping has been difficult for me.....but....duh....I have A LOT on my mind.

I woke up this morning (3:55 a.m.) having a dream-nightmare-horrible thought. I woke up seeing Richard lying in bed, looking across the room....And he said, "Oh-oh....I can't see!!!!". Oh my God...my mind began moving quickly and my heart beat raced as I started going through all the things it could be, the thing it probably was and exactly what we should do. It all worked quickly....the phone calls that needed to be made, the people who have volunteered to drive for us, our support people (OMG my sister is leaving for a trip....should I even tell her or just wait until I knew for sure what was going on?), how would I tell the kids, remember ALL my medication this time and take enough.... All this immediate planning was done in less then 60 seconds as I sat up and looked at my beautiful husband. My heart was heavy with sadness and fear....and that, now familiar, "here we go again"!

But then the AHHHHH came!!! He's not awake, he's snugly cuddled in the blankets and is breathing with a slow, steady rhythm....his eyes are closed and he is calm...thankfully sleeping away. Oh....I am also lying snuggled in our bed and Jazzy is safely tucked behind my legs, settled in our warmth. OMG!!! I was having a dream. It wasn't real. AHHHHHHH...breathe deeply and rejoice.

And then, as always, instead of going back to sleep like I wish I could, my mind went to those scary places. I began to see images....horrible, scary images....but the worst was one where I clearly saw myself standing with our three children. The four of us were all alone in a dim room. My arms were stretched around the three of them, holding these beautiful treasures, trying desperately to protect them from all this fear, sadness and darkness. All of our heads were bent together, our bodies trembling with emotion. I could see my helplessness. I could not stop their pain. We were bent over, sobbing, letting our tears gather together as only family can do. I looked up to grab a breath and I saw so clearly the four of us.....and as I looked up I saw my face bathed in light and warmth......the light continued down to the tops of my arms...down to the tips of my fingers..... as I embraced these three beautiful, young adults.

The image left me....as my unsettled mind moved to something else......but as I sit here now I am still holding that picture in my mind......seeing everything else with that image as a backdrop. No, I won't go back to sleep for a while. No, I won't take any medication to help me do so. That is because I have learned that this is all part of the journey.... The fear, the agony, the feelings of sadness and unfairness are part of the whole thing. I have learned that by walking through it...sticking with those feelings....I am honoring what is happening here. I'm not running or frantically trying to fix all the many things that are part of it....but I am sitting, breathing, letting the process "be" rather than fighting with what energy I have left. This seems like a kinder, gentler way right now.

The truth is that we've had a very tough 48 hours....mentally.... We've again been forced to unfairly have to do some financial shifting of funds to help us continue paying doctor's bills and some other expenses. I've begun my research about going back on full Medicare coverage with some supplemental insurances to cut down on our medical insurance costs. I didn't sleep last night as I entered the tangled web of Medicare (which brings up HUGE, SCARY issues for those of us who have two expensive, chronic illnesses). And we found ourselves huddled together, holding on tightly as we face the next looming MRI and results which will happen soon. It's been a lot. But you know..........I think we're O.K.........I know we're O.K.

I feel your warmth and love. I know that all of you continue to hang in there with us. Thank you so much. I am so touched by all of your kindness and prayers. You are all beautiful points of light. Shine on!!!!

Blessings,

Sherri

5th Chemo

Today was my fifth infusion of the Avastin / CPT-11. The Oncologists office has made the appointment for the next MRI for August 28th in the afternoon. A little scary.. Sherri call's it PMS (Pre MRI Syndrome) It will tell us how well the Chemo has worked so far. It was also nice hearing Dr. Congdon say that the severe chills and joint pain that I have had the last 2 weeks are "classic text-book symptoms of the Avastin" Feels a lot like Flu / Fever to me. Thank God for Ibuprofen which helps.

Sherri and I had a small private infusion room this time which allowed me a 2 hour nap in the recliner and Sherri a opportunity to finish "A Change of Heart" A book she has been reading.

With Love a ad Thanks to All of you.

Richard

O.K......I know.....it's an interesting look for me...but we were working around the house and I thought I needed to see what we really looked like on a day that we PRAY that no one stops by. I mean.....I'm trying to get my hair a little longer and phew...in this heat it drives me nuts and sometimes I have no other choice but to tie it up in a rag! Very interesting!!!! So now I've posted it to all of you so if you accidently stop by when I'm all a mess...I won't scare you off!!!! But...the important thing is that I think you can see our happiness and love for one another. I LOVE THAT...it even shows when I'm not too attractive!

Well.....it's been a long time since I have come here to write. I guess this past two weeks have been a little more difficult than others for us......not horrible....we've just been sosososo busy with family events and then this past week neither one of us has been feeling great. Time keeps flying.....I'm having a hard time prioritizing and getting things done.

Last week was my beautiful Mother's 90th birthday!!!! My niece, Kamee, her husband and three of their six children came up for the week. Kamee is only four years younger than me and we're very close. We always have packed weeks when she is here.....visiting, going to the beach, eating way too much, shopping, sharing, laughing. We ALL had a great time!!!!

We had my Mom's birthday party at our house and it was really fun......very hectic....lots of people....but lots of loving too!!!!! My nephew and his wife and their little girl Ruby were able to join us....all of my sister's and their husbands were here, a friend of my Mom's also came....it was a full house. But it was so joyful to see ALL the generations together and we all loved watching the kids playing and laughing. It was a celebration!!!! Thank you to both of my sisters for helpng sosososo much.

Richard's "feeling crummy" from chemo has worsened this past week. His joints and muscles are aching so badly he can hardly walk. He's also been experiencing terrible episodes of "chills" that make him so uncomfotable. So far ibuprofen has been the best thing for all of these "ickies" and lots of rest!!!! He hates having to take little naps all day.....but we are learning to go with it. It's been very hard on him for sure!!!! I feel so helpless and of course worried. When I see him shuffle in pain I get scared that it's something beyond chemo effects...but I do alot of "self-talking" and stay as calm as possible. I don't think either of us will ever get use to this walk we're doing. Everything....every ache, bloated feeling, lapse in memory, moment of agitation....all feel scary and out of control for both of us.

I hate to complain....but my own health issues have flared up this past week too!!!! I get these horrible mouth sores as a result of some of the medication I take for my rheumatoid arthritis. They are so incredibly painful.....I just can't even explain it!!!! They are huge and make everything very difficult...like talking, eating, drinking, smiling, breathing......you get the point!!! Anyway it's been a very difficult few days with these and I'm still struggling. I use a mouth rinse that has been suggested by my doctors and pain medication but it just wears me down. I still struggle with how to "do" my own illness while living in the middle of Rick's horrible illness. We're quite a team....that's for sure.

In spite of all of this we went camping for a couple of days. We decided that we could feel horrible in our motorhome just as well as we could here and that maybe a change of surroundings would be a small diversion. We went to Deception Pass and we had a wonderful time. Our friends, Helen and Jon Campbell met us there for one night and then we had one night alone. It was beautiful!!!!!!

See Mali being a camping dog. They love going on our trips. I love having them although it is like having three two year olds around!!!!!!!!!!! Look at that motorhome/toy house!!!! It's so cute!!!!!

Jamaica is actually the best little camper we have.....just put his bed down and he is cozy and ready for a nap!!!

My gosh!!!! I love this man so much!!!!!!

Well I hope that this post finds you all happy and peaceful. Rick and I know that we are surrounded by angels. Thank you for sharing your light with us. We LOVE you!!!

Blessings,

Sherri

Love and Angels

It has been a rough week for me as I have been experiencing some chemo effects combined with side effects of the Nulasta and a minor infection in my throat I picked up somewhere. It has moved into my ears and given me a few difficult nights feeling chilled and feverish.. But, now that I am nearly a week out from the Avastin and camptosar, the symptoms of lethargy and aching muscles are fading and I am finding more energy to do things around the house.

I have been visited by my Angels several times recently and been given WONDERFUL gifts of healing energy. The first was from two Dear ones from my work who delivered a light quilt covered with words, poems, and words of encouragement and love from most of the staff and some residents. When I wrap up in it for a nap, I can Literally FEEL the love and healing energy that was intentioned in it's making.. Here is a photo of me napping that Sherri got.

My white blood cell counts were boosted successfully with the Nulasta after the third session. I am scheduled again for Aug. 18th for chemo, then will be sent to Swedish for a MRI..

We have had also had a busy and fun week helping Sherri's Mother celebrate her 90th Birthday! She is a wonderful woman who still lives independently and drives herself to Seattle. Being with her and her family is a Joy. We've had visits from family from out of state. Today will be the final big party honoring Nana!!!

I thank you everyone again for the food, cards and gifts I have received. It is my belief that what you give out to the world, you receive back again and again and again! Your joy and giving are your true gifts to the world.

With Love to All

Richard