It's raining....it's pouring!!!!

I am up early....again. Sleeping has been difficult for me.....but....duh....I have A LOT on my mind.

I woke up this morning (3:55 a.m.) having a dream-nightmare-horrible thought. I woke up seeing Richard lying in bed, looking across the room....And he said, "Oh-oh....I can't see!!!!". Oh my God...my mind began moving quickly and my heart beat raced as I started going through all the things it could be, the thing it probably was and exactly what we should do. It all worked quickly....the phone calls that needed to be made, the people who have volunteered to drive for us, our support people (OMG my sister is leaving for a trip....should I even tell her or just wait until I knew for sure what was going on?), how would I tell the kids, remember ALL my medication this time and take enough.... All this immediate planning was done in less then 60 seconds as I sat up and looked at my beautiful husband. My heart was heavy with sadness and fear....and that, now familiar, "here we go again"!

But then the AHHHHH came!!! He's not awake, he's snugly cuddled in the blankets and is breathing with a slow, steady rhythm....his eyes are closed and he is calm...thankfully sleeping away. Oh....I am also lying snuggled in our bed and Jazzy is safely tucked behind my legs, settled in our warmth. OMG!!! I was having a dream. It wasn't real. AHHHHHHH...breathe deeply and rejoice.

And then, as always, instead of going back to sleep like I wish I could, my mind went to those scary places. I began to see images....horrible, scary images....but the worst was one where I clearly saw myself standing with our three children. The four of us were all alone in a dim room. My arms were stretched around the three of them, holding these beautiful treasures, trying desperately to protect them from all this fear, sadness and darkness. All of our heads were bent together, our bodies trembling with emotion. I could see my helplessness. I could not stop their pain. We were bent over, sobbing, letting our tears gather together as only family can do. I looked up to grab a breath and I saw so clearly the four of us.....and as I looked up I saw my face bathed in light and warmth......the light continued down to the tops of my arms...down to the tips of my fingers..... as I embraced these three beautiful, young adults.

The image left me....as my unsettled mind moved to something else......but as I sit here now I am still holding that picture in my mind......seeing everything else with that image as a backdrop. No, I won't go back to sleep for a while. No, I won't take any medication to help me do so. That is because I have learned that this is all part of the journey.... The fear, the agony, the feelings of sadness and unfairness are part of the whole thing. I have learned that by walking through it...sticking with those feelings....I am honoring what is happening here. I'm not running or frantically trying to fix all the many things that are part of it....but I am sitting, breathing, letting the process "be" rather than fighting with what energy I have left. This seems like a kinder, gentler way right now.

The truth is that we've had a very tough 48 hours....mentally.... We've again been forced to unfairly have to do some financial shifting of funds to help us continue paying doctor's bills and some other expenses. I've begun my research about going back on full Medicare coverage with some supplemental insurances to cut down on our medical insurance costs. I didn't sleep last night as I entered the tangled web of Medicare (which brings up HUGE, SCARY issues for those of us who have two expensive, chronic illnesses). And we found ourselves huddled together, holding on tightly as we face the next looming MRI and results which will happen soon. It's been a lot. But you know..........I think we're O.K.........I know we're O.K.

I feel your warmth and love. I know that all of you continue to hang in there with us. Thank you so much. I am so touched by all of your kindness and prayers. You are all beautiful points of light. Shine on!!!!

Blessings,

Sherri