What can I say?

I had such great plans for this post......Wednesday night Richard and I had just gotten back from a beautiful two day retreat at the Whidbey Island Institute for cancer patients and their caregivers. We felt so strong and so loved. We felt rested and were so excited to get home. Richard took some beautiful pictures while we were there and I couldn't wait to share them with all of you. It truly was two heavenly days of total renewal.

But......how rapidly things can change. I am so sad writing this to all of you tonight. I know how close you follow our journey. I feel you all sending prayers and positive thoughts. I feel all your wonderful support. I have watched you all hold us....embrace us with love and caring....and tonight.....I am overwhelmed and so sorry that I have to write this post. Please....after reading this....take a moment to breathe and get centered again in your world. This is hard and I want you all to be O.K. Then please hold my beautiful husband closely in your heart.

We arrived home last night at around 7:30 p.m. Emily, who is living with us now until the middle of November, met us at the door with such a huge smile and warm hugs. The three of us were so happy....just being home. After a quick dinner and a facial (I know...where does this fit it? It just seems important because Emily and I love doing them together) Emily, Richard and I had settled down to read e-mail......the fire was going, the dogs were asleep and we were just quiet....peaceful.....

At around 9:30 p.m. Richard didn't answer me when I was sharing something that I had read in my e-mail. I called his name....and looked over.....and........................I'm sitting here not even knowing what to say..........................I am at a loss for words........................deep breath..... Richard was having a terrible seizure!!!!! Every time I close my eyes...I relive the next 30 minutes in detail....and it is a total horror story. I am too tired and the details too painful and gruesome to describe what happened...but 911 was called, they arrived, and we arrived at St. Joseph's ER breathless and scared beyond words.....all of us.....Emily, Richard and I.

The story continues over the next seven hours. Right now, I want you to have the most important facts. Maybe more details will come later but I don't think this is going to be my best piece of writing. Please bear with me.

Seizures are part of brain cancer. I have been so grateful that, up until last night, we had not had to experience one. Through my own reading, more reading and even more reading....I knew that the possibility of this complication lurked out there. I was totally prepared to deal with it....and frankly I think I did O.K. My only regret is that I had not told our children of the high incidence of seizures with brain cancer. Emily was totally unprepared for this. You can only imagine how frightening it was for her to witness such a terrifying event....to have it be happening to her Father....and to have to play such an important role in the next 24 hours. She was amazing!!!! I am sosososo proud of her.

One of the common complications of the chemotherapy regime that Richard is currently on can be an increased chance of internal bleeding....usually in the brain or in the stomach. That was our biggest fear. The second fear was that new tumor growth and swelling of the brain could also cause a seizure. And the third fear.....was that we may not ever know what caused the event other than the trauma of the last year on his poor brain.

Quite soon I felt like I needed support in making some very crucial decisions that I knew were coming in the next few hours.My first call was to our dear friend Betsey (actually I called her as we headed to the hospital)...who has walked beside us through this journey, seeming to be beside me taking every step I have taken. She miraculously arrived at the hospital and took her post in the waiting room....helping me initially with calming Emily and then supporting me by making necessary calls as I was back with Richard and the doctors. I mainly felt like I needed Richard's sister and brother-in-law with me to help hear the doctors and to assist me in the process of getting Richard the best care possible. Betsey got hold of them and they immediately got in the car and drove from Everett in record time. After a while I encouraged Betsey to go home....I knew one of the front line needed sleep. Emily called her brother. I suggested that he stay in Seattle...because initially I didn't know if we were going to end up there right away or not.

I also made the decision not to call anymore family or friends until morning. I felt strongly that I would badly need a group of people to be clear minded later........ None of these decisions, at this point, are ever easy. I immediately start worrying about hurting people's feelings, insulting family members, etc. But during this past year I've gotten really good at quickly slapping myself around until I get out of that head space. All I could think of was immediate decisions....and clarity for what may come later.

It was quickly determined, after a CT scan, that Richard did not have a brain bleed. We were so thankful. But unfortunately other than that nothing conclusive was shown. The ER doctor did call our neurologist in Seattle and conversed with him about what needed to happen next. It was decided that immediately we needed to make sure that Richard didn't have another seizure. He was given a loading dose of dilantin (1000 mg. infusion) with a plan to start a daily dose given orally (300 mg) until we are able to meet with our Neurologist. Being given this amount of anti-seizure medication significantly reduces Richard's risk of having another occurrence in the near future.

The additional plan was for us to contact Richard's Oncologist and the Neuroscience folks at Swedish Hospital as soon as I could in the morning. It was decided that the most imperative thing was that we get Richard down to Seattle to have an MRI at Swedish and also have that MRI and Richard's physical health evaluated by his Neurologist, Dr. Foltz.

After the dilantin infusion and also a typical response to a gran mal seizure Richard was very shaky, woozy and extremely tired. He dozed on and off over the next seven hours, but also seemed to become a little more oriented as time went by. Thankfully he wasn't remembering any of the seizure or what happened immediately before or after (What a blessing that was for him!!!! I am praising the Universe for that!!!) but he was VERY puzzled regarding why this happened (quickly blaming the tomato soup we had for dinner!!!) and of course very afraid.

Pam and Scott left the hospital at around 3:00 a.m. and found a motel room for the night. Emily and I were able to take Richard home at around 5:30. Getting him in from the car was very interesting....but we made it. He immediately fell into a peaceful sleep. Emily was also able to sleep. Again, I said a prayer of gratitude. Of course I, Ms. Hyper-active, had a difficult time settling down. I think I slept about an hour and a half.

Today Richard has done fine. He's very tired and "wonky".....my term for walking real funny, slurring his speech and having hooded eyelids all due to the huge dose of dilantin. He is mentally intact....slowly putting time back together and remembering more details of everything as our day has moved on. He took naps but most of the time was with us...being his usual self...taking notes in his tumor timer, using his cool white out pen, and wearing his helmet again. This was a unanimous decision.....for now when he's walking the helmet is on!!!!

I've called all the doctors and so far it looks like Dana will take us to Swedish on Sunday evening where Richard and I will stay at the Swedish Inn (at the hospital). Monday morning at 7:15 we will check into the radiology department for an MRI. We will see Dr. Foltz at 1:30 that afternoon. Dana and Pam will be with us. That evening, hopefully, we will go to Everett with Pam and spend the night with her and Scott. Richard has his chemo on the next day. His Father is coming on Tuesday morning from Wenatchee to take us to Richard's chemo appointment and then he will drive us back to Bellingham that evening. He will stay with us for a couple of days.........which is wonderful!!!! Phew!!!

However....all of the above paragraph may change.....because the Oncologist's office called me back this evening to make sure that Richard was being seen immediately by the Swedish team. When I told them we couldn't get in until Monday they indicated that that was unacceptable. So........they are calling the powers that be and we may be heading to Swedish sooner than Monday. Poof!!!! Good planning shot to Hell!!!! Oh well!!!

Dana is on his way home tomorrow for the weekend. Alex has called and offered to come home......but I wanted him to wait.... His strength will be needed next week as we know more. Pam and Scott, my beautiful brother and sister, are tucked back into their lovely home in Everett after a long night and morning with us. Our parents are all safe. My sisters are waiting to help in anyway they can. Betsey has been calling the friends list, Janelle has been writing e-mails to everyone and helping with phone calls, my sister Jodee came by and made us lunch and gave her little sister big hugs and guidance, Jody McNamara delivered a wonderful Thai dinner from our favorite restaurant....and I know there are lots of other things going on in the background....other people who are helping and rallying. Please forgive me if I've forgotten anyone.

Richard went to bed around 8:00 p.m. and is sleeping peacefully. I just heard sweet Emily turn off her light so she is on her way to slumbering. And Jamaica and I are here........trying to relax and thinking about going to bed. So far sleep is not part of this girl's experience...but I trust it will come.

Well...My Word!!! You must all be exhausted!!!! This is VERY long. Sorry......but on little sleep and with high emotion running through my veins....I just couldn't be succinct. I promise that I will keep you all informed as things progress.

My gut feeling is that the Universe wants us all to experience the "full-meal-deal" of the brain cancer journey. A seizure is part of that. Now that it is over....we have done the WHOLE brain cancer thing and I'm sure the chemo is working, the enhanced, suspicious areas are shrinking, and soon Richard will join the ranks of "the long term survivors". None of us can give up Hope. Nothing can take Hope away from us. Hope continues to give us strength to continue this walk.

And Richard would want me to remind everyone....that one of the many lessons to be learned from our experience is that Love is it!!!! Loving each other, living in the awareness of love during every moment of our day....giving and receiving love....AHHHHHHH!!!! That is bliss. Please live in juicy, glowing bliss.....with us!!!!

Blessings,Sherri