Another sleepless night!!!!

Again....I woke up and tossed and turned for a while and then gave up....and got out of bed. I walked around our little house. I've been doing this alot recently. Waking up and just looking at the treasures that we've collected and gathered. I spend alot of time gazing, with wonder, at Richard's rock and marble collections. What a perfect thing for Rick to collect....beautiful rocks in various forms and magical marbles; that when caught in the light shine and sparkle. I love to touch his books...you can glean Richard's spiritual core by looking at his many books. I believe you can truly know us by looking, carefully, at our home.

I am anticipating the MRI on Tuesday with dread....not that I believe the results will be negative....not at all. I have just come to dread the process of traveling to Seattle...waiting, waiting, waiting....then a stranger coming and taking Richard away from me as they shoot him full of dye and scan his beautiful head. I wait for him patiently (usually) trying to imagine what it must be like for him. Then we wait and wait and wait for the afternoon doctor's appointment. Richard's beautiful sister is with us...and we talk, laugh, eat hospital food, drink far too much Starbucks coffee and wait and wait some more. It is always an exhausting day for us...no matter what the results of the MRI are.

I have seen Richard grow more and more exhausted. At times he seems to enter a place that I can't be a part of. I imagine, in my own mind, that this is where he goes to learn how to cope with this amazing thing that is happening in his life. I honor his time of quiet and reflection. It seems a vital part of this journey he is on. But I also know that I can't join him there. It's almost as if this is a spiritual time where he gathers information that allows him to move forward in his daily world. I have to trust that at this time he is surrounded by spiritual beings that have already taken him into his arms and are slowly preparing him for what lies ahead.

He isn't moving away from me...we are as close as ever...but we are tired very tired...and our weariness is the kind that others cannot understand. Sometimes we fight it...with mighty force but it is usually much bigger than us...and it is often easier to give in. There are times when we have to talk about difficult things. It's come to the point where we are still fighting this cancer; but yet we have to talk about things...all the things that must be addressed and understood between us so that any rest that is to be had can happen in peace. It's so hard, so painful....so difficult....but we push through all that, knowing that it is vital to our continuing in a redsponsible way.

These sleepless nights are filled with unease and fear. I listen to his rthymic breath, I feel him totally relaxed and I rejoice for that time for him. I often reach out for him...just to touch softly, just to feel his warmth. I look at his little dented head and I am reminded of the miracle of him doing so well. But then I usually grow restless where the possibility of laying there is seems futile and I have to get up and hold the touchstones of the world we have created.

My heart is breaking, I believe, slowly. But it is happening in a way that is subtle and that leaves me with enough strength to hold my children, parent them and guide them that even at their ages is needed so much, I can still find my words of comfort for my Mother and Ricard's Mom. I can love them without holding back....touching them, hugging them and saying my "I love yous" with honesty and committment. I can still take care of business...the bills, the insurance, the phone calls, the many appointments and the rides. Thank God this process is kind at times....surrounding me with an assurance and clarity that is vital but I sometimes feel is just a facade.

Well, my nightly vigil must continue. I just wanted to check in and ask that everyone pray for my precious Richard as he faces the next treatment step in this journey. Take time to imagine Richard surrounded by light, a healing light. We have grown to understand the difference betwen healing and curing....we want to learn and understand all the information we are given, we want to make solid decisions and treatment choices and we want to remain peaceful and strong as we move through this process. Pray for a beautiful brain with no spots, hazes or suspicious areas. Imagine us remaining strong no matter what the outcome.

Thank you, my friends, for your continued support. We love you all deeply.

Blessings,

Sherri