Chemo. tomorrow!!!

We just got home from a wonderful dinner out for Dana's birthday. There were seven of us in all and we had alot of fun. Dana turned 26....his girlfriend, Amy, Emily and Chris (a friend of Dana's) were with us, along with Lisa (Emily and Dana's Mom). I love listening to the twenty-somethings as they talk and laugh. They really are sweet. The three "aged ones" look on in fascination.....we are so blessed to have these young folks in our lives, looking so beautiful and happy and being willing to spend an evening with all their folks. It was a great night.

We are headed to Everett tomorrow for Richard's chemotherapy. We're both dreading it (I am at least....and I can feel that Richard is too). We just never know how it's going to go. The effects of the chemo seem to be different every time. I guess I feel like we're always ready for surprises and new symptoms..... Living on Edge! I guess that would be a good title for a book about coping with chemo. How depressing!

I woke up last night and couldn't get back to sleep. What I've noticed is that when I wake up now I don't have a moment anymore where I forget that cancer is living with us. I wake up knowing that it is part of our lives....almost like a constant drone in the background....no matter what we do to try to mask our awareness of it. Cancer will not be ignored....and as you live with it longer and longer it seems to never let up. It just gets comfy in your world and seems to settle in and sort of ooze everywhere throughout our lives.

I've learned to accept its presence....but I refuse to become O.K. with it totally taking over and becoming the main star in our lives. Our lives are about so much more than just cancer. Richard is so much more than a man with brain cancer. I will not let cancer define who we are and I will always fight the way it tries to make us forget our colors, our textures, our words, our joy. It's so easy to become complacent....and learn to sit companionably with cancer, letting it settle in, dulling us to what is outside...and actually dulling us emotionally until we are surrounded by nothing but gray. It sounds dramatic...but sometimes I feel like our home is covered by a shroud....a haze.....and that reaching through the haze is getting harder and harder.

I feel badly....because I think I've grown so tired and in some respects very weak. I've been whimpy....the fight has felt very hard for a few weeks and my caregiving has been less than satisfactory. I'm not putting myself down.....I know this must be part of the journey. But I badly need to refocus, rejuvinate and rededicate my spirit and energy to our fight. Richard deserves to be standing beside the best "fighting partner" that he can have. Neither one of us can afford to be in less than perfect fighting form.

I love my husband so much. I see him growing weaker, more listless, seemingly far away at times. Sometimes it's so difficult to know what the best "fighting" style should actually be. I try to listen and watch. I try to "feel" what Richard wants and needs. I never assume I know. I never take the power of this vicious beast for granted. I try to know when I should accept the changes but also know when I need to stand up and just try harder.

But I do get tired.....so tired. I can only imagine how tired Richard gets. Our lives have changed so much. It's easy to forget to laugh and to talk. It's easy to take things for granted. It's easy to push....without even really knowing what you are pushing against. It's as these times that I have to stop and breathe and take time to remember the sparkle and joy that comes when two people love one another. It's at these times that I need to just hold Richard's hand and kiss his lips and hold him and let our hearts touch.

I know we are strong and we are mighty. I also know that we are wise. Don't worry....the fight will continue after I get a better night of sleep.

To our angels, our families, our friends.....we feel your continued thoughts and prayers. We are both really focused on Dec. 16th and our appointment with Dr. Foltz and the MRI. We continue to imagine a brain......a beautiful brain that is clear of all tumors and all suspicious areas. We are thinking about Dr. Foltz coming in and telling us that things are good....I'm feeling my heart swell and my eyes moisten with relief and joy. Please join us in thinking the same.

Blessings,

Sherri