Some Moments in Time

I just have to tell you about some beautiful things that I experienced today. They felt very significant and amazing. I love it when things like this happen.

I was walking home from a doctors appointment today. It was beautiful and sunny. It had rained earlier so the sun was a surprise for me. I didn't have the dogs with me because I had gone to the doctor. If they were with me this probably never would have happened. The Universe works everything out....it always does.

It had been a "missing Richard" morning. I've been having less of these but today my heart felt broken and the tears were just laying on my eyes...ready to spill over at any moment. I miss him for so many reasons; but on days like today it is the little things I miss....the daily living that we did together....like drinking coffee together, like talking quietly in the morning, like getting showered and dressed together. I miss those moments of normal living a great deal. Now I do it alone...and some days it is really hard.

Anyway on my way home I was still missing him deeply. Walking through the park I had remembered some special times we had spent there. I missed hanging onto his arm or holding his hand. I always use to point out little things and he would act all excited....I don't know if he was but he always acted that way and it made me so happy. He always warned me about the roots on the trails so that I wouldn't trip. Poor guy...he hated it when I fell. Now I do my own root watching....

I guess I was talking about all this in my head....aching....but continuing to move forward in my "onely" march. All of a sudden I looked up and there were two big beautiful butterflies fluttering toward me. They looked like they were dancing. It was truly amazing. They twirled around each other, silently, moving their wings. The sun hit their majestic colors and they twinkled as if glittered with magic. I stopped and just stood and watched and the butterflies danced around me for moments, showing me their abilities to so show their wonderful performance. Obviously they had been practicing together for a long time because they anticipated each other's moves. They were partners, dancing and loving in the sun.

I knew that Richard had sent me those beautiful butterflies. They demonstrated, so eloquently, a very precious love. The love was obvious, yet it was quiet and sure. That's how our love was.....obvious....but quiet and sure. I was deeply moved by the moments and felt so grateful to be part of that magic. I knew Richard was standing beside me, watching with a matching wonderment.....I felt him there.

Tonight as I let Mali out I stayed on the deck. She's become weird about going outside alone so I often just stand on the deck and listen and watch the happenings of the approaching night as she scouts around for the perfect place to pee :). Tonight my eyes immediately went to the beautiful, huge trees that surround our property. With the silver sky of dusk the trees appear very black....giant silhouettes. Tonight all seemed still but as I stood there, one huge tree began to sway with the wind....back and forth, back and forth. The other trees seemed to stand still....but this one beautiful tree kept up its rhythmic movement. Then I heard the sound of the wind blowing through the tree's leaves and branches. It was like a soft whisper, a tune, but one just for me. It was an awesome few moments.

Again....I believe that Richard was letting me know that he is still with me...always.... I just have to pay attention. He was always a subtle man....he moved softly and when he played his guitar it always sounded so beautiful....similar to the sound of the wind blowing through the leaves of the tree. He was such a gentle man....just like the movement tonight that I saw in that one tree. I feel so thankful that I payed attention to these special moments.

Happy Father's Day Richard!!!

I woke up today thinking of Richard and of Father's Day. He loved Father's Day because that is when his children were always around him. It was a tradition that they would come over for breakfast and we would all have peanut butter pancakes and eggs. Richard and his kids loved peanut butter pancakes. Initially, I was skeptical but as the years went on I began to enjoy them too. It's one of those meals that has a very pungent odor.....and either the smell can make you sick or you have to be eating right along with everyone else. I was pleasantly surprized at how yummy the combination of peanut butter, pancake and syrup are!!!! It became one of my favorites too!

Richard's primary role in his lifetime was that of "Father". He loved being a Dad. He loved doing things for his children. And they loved being around him. I miss that activity and commotion that was always part of our household. We always laughed and laughed and laughed....but also had some very deep, meaningful discussions.

That is one of the adjustments I am making in my life without Richard. It is natural and something I expected....but I miss the gathering of all the kids and their friends here at our home. It was so fun listening to them and being part of their story telling. Sometimes I would just sit and watch Richard glow in their presence. He was a proud Father and I believe that his children knew this. His pride and pure love made visiting him so attractive.

There are so many changes now, yet I had a year and a half to anticipate them and I think I thought about this adjustment with a realistic mind. It isn't easy...but I get most of the changes. I can't say I like them all....but I get why they naturally happen. Even though I have wonderful relationships with both of Richard's children...the fact remains....I am a step-Mother who was married to their Father. I love them very much and they love me....but without their Dad here it is very different for all of us. It's almost like the main attraction has left the building.

It's a beautiful day here....sunny but not too hot. Emily and Adam took Mali on a hike and my friend Cheryl and I took Jazzy on a two hour walk. Both dogs are resting now in pure happiness and contentment. I am glad that we all got exercise. Now I am off to do my Sunday chores.......new chores that have become mine since Richard has been gone.....mainly.....the world of the garbage and re-cycling. That is a huge job.

Keeping everyone in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings, Sherri

What to do with myself?????

I miss Richard. When I write that it cuts to my bones. It seems like such a trivial little sentence....yet it holds such weight in my world right now. My task, so I am told, is to create a new me without my husband, without me being a wife, without our routines, without our usual activities, without the kids bringing their friends over, without cooking for two, without sleeping next to him, without holding his hand, without, without, without. It is a mighty task. And for the first time....I am at a loss as to how to do that.

I'm doing everything I can to try and get through this. I've joined a bereavement group on-line, I'm back doing a little art, I'm walking everyday, I'm eating OK, I'm not drinking myself drunk, I'm not smoking, I'm keeping in touch with a few friends who have stood by me from the very beginning, I'm setting healthy boundaries, I'm getting lots of rest...... I'm working really hard doing all the "shoulds" of grief 101. But even after all of this....it seems just my skin is learning to live without Richard.....you take that away and I am totally loss.

I've been more quiet about it....realizing that I am probably boring people and that some may be thinking I'm off my rocker. I've learned that it is a solitary journey. I can attempt to share it with others, but they have to leave, or I have to go home and then the depth of the pain surfaces once again. I also feel fragile and weak which is so different for me. It's all new....It is ALL new.

I guess that's enough for now. Everytime I write anything I believe it sounds stupid and I erase it.....so I must be done. I am just "doing it" and for now that is enough. This experience has left me raw....it will take time to heal. I have to be patient.

Blessings,

Sherri

What to do?

It's been such a long time since I have posted. Honestly I haven't known what to do with this blog....should I continue this journey? Should I go back to my old blog....where I tried to me my artistic self? Is this journey completed? Do I have anything of value to say?

Today I went to the Farmer's Market and a dear woman came up to me and held me in her arms with wonderful warmth. When we moved apart she looked into my eyes and I looked into hers for a long silent moment. Where I am right now, it is dufficult to look people in the eyes; however doing so seems like part of the healing process. I am only going to heal from a soulful wisdom...it is difficult to find that in myself or through others without a connection....a true meeting. Lately I've been trying to see the little dots in the pupil of people's eyes, often right around the iris....When I see those little specks of darkness I know I am close to their soul, there true spirit. I know I am present and paying attention...and that I am taking the time to connect. Anyway...she thanked me for our blog and told me how much it meant to her. I was deeply touched...deeply.... I admitted to her that I really didn't know what to do with the blog at this point. I heard myself tell her, with clarity, that by no means do I believe that Richard's and my journey with brain cancer is over. The words amazed me....but I said them. And then I said that this part of the journey seems worthy of sharing however at times it is very dark and grim. She commented that it seems so important.

I guess that the answer came to me then. The blog must continue for a while longer. Our story is not done yet. These last four months have been as huge as the months of dealing with chemo and radiation...different... But still part of the same journey. I feel like this part is important. This part bears witness to the entire experience of cancer and of losing someone whom you love so deeply. For these reasons I will continue....

There are many reasons that I have hesitated, but the main reason is the dark places in my mind where those horrible negative tapes keep playing. Who would want to hear this part? Why whine here in public? Why expose such a private time in my life? You are so dramatic....always thinking that it's about you....well it isn't.....it's about Richard? Why are you choosing to do it this way? Other's will judge this as self-indulgent. Those tapes are vicious....and in the midst of pain it is difficult to control the off button. But you know....for all of us who hear similar tapes....I believe that they must be turned off in order to grow and, for me, in order to love.

So, my friends....here we go..... The next chapter..........

Blessings for now,

Sherri