I miss Richard. When I write that it cuts to my bones. It seems like such a trivial little sentence....yet it holds such weight in my world right now. My task, so I am told, is to create a new me without my husband, without me being a wife, without our routines, without our usual activities, without the kids bringing their friends over, without cooking for two, without sleeping next to him, without holding his hand, without, without, without. It is a mighty task. And for the first time....I am at a loss as to how to do that.
I'm doing everything I can to try and get through this. I've joined a bereavement group on-line, I'm back doing a little art, I'm walking everyday, I'm eating OK, I'm not drinking myself drunk, I'm not smoking, I'm keeping in touch with a few friends who have stood by me from the very beginning, I'm setting healthy boundaries, I'm getting lots of rest...... I'm working really hard doing all the "shoulds" of grief 101. But even after all of this....it seems just my skin is learning to live without Richard.....you take that away and I am totally loss.
I've been more quiet about it....realizing that I am probably boring people and that some may be thinking I'm off my rocker. I've learned that it is a solitary journey. I can attempt to share it with others, but they have to leave, or I have to go home and then the depth of the pain surfaces once again. I also feel fragile and weak which is so different for me. It's all new....It is ALL new.
I guess that's enough for now. Everytime I write anything I believe it sounds stupid and I erase it.....so I must be done. I am just "doing it" and for now that is enough. This experience has left me raw....it will take time to heal. I have to be patient.
Blessings,
Sherri
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4 comments:
Dear Sherri, Time truly is the best healer possible. Your description of loss feels so familiar, and I promise you, the pain will certainly ease with T-I-M-E. Be patient with yourself, allow the healing to be natural. Just be.
sher: when my sister died i got this advice and i believe it helped save me. the suggestion was to give myself
5 minutes a day to grieve-formally
grieve...i scheduled my 5 minutes and then if i needed took 5 more and 5 more. i always did this at the same time every day, just before little house on the prairie came on t.v. it meant i acknowledged every day that empty place. every day i filled it with new awareness. i was still in the role i had before whether or not my sister was physically here. You are still Richard's darling wife. I believe you still hold your love in your hand. I send your way a comforting embrace. love
karen
It's ok to be where you are now, that will allow you to heal on your own time and embrace the furture on your own terms.
Love Sherry
Hi Sherri. You don't know me. I was part of the 'men's group' with Richard, Carl and Richard Gale and Craig. It was a small group that men regularly every Tuesday night in the garage for quite a few years. I've just found out about Richard's passing and have been reading your blog.
I see/hear/feel what you are going through in missing Richard so much. He was such a sweet and gentle and intelligent and spiritual man. It's made my cry.
I was diagnosed with terminal cancer 2 and 1/2 years ago and have been living with it ever since. It has been a wild, adventurous, rich journey that I would have loved to have shared with Richard. Just to chat and laugh at ourselves and talk story about spirit and her curious ways.
I am so sorry for your loss and I'm sorry that earth lost such a great man. I know he's doing fabulous work in his new home. I can feel him right here. I went through the photo albums online as well.
I wake up every day and ask God what to do with that day. In fact I try to do that with every breath. In this breath, I'm supposed to be writing to you.
I'm unable or maybe uninterested in working for a living and have no source of income, but somehow my needs are provided for.
I've been living in Northern CA for some time now, but may sell my little place for the money and before the banks and hospitals take what little there is. I may become a nomad in my RV.
Right now I'm in Bellingham visiting my daughter and grandson for a few weeks, then I THINK I"m going back to CA, but who really knows?
Sending you lots of love. My email is danj@jondron.com if you care to write. I hope posting it here doesn't increase my spam. :-)
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