It's Melting

The snow is melting....you can hear the drip, drip, drip of water as things begin to thaw. This is the part that I dislike....it seems like such a hard process to get rid of all the snow. I guess I'm always a little sad to see it go.

Richard is having a difficult day today. He is very weak and sleepy. He's been in and out of bed for most of the day....and he keeps asking me what I think is wrong with him. I think that it is the new tumor growth and swelling that is making him more tired. Sleepiness is one of the most prevalent symptoms among many. He also seems confused and agitated a little (which could be the increase in steroids). I guess this is how it is going to be for now. Acceptance is my mantra right now. I'm still numb....having a hard time believing that we are at this point.

Our insurance company did O.K. the new chemotherapy which is such a blessing. We go down for his first infusion on Monday and I can't wait to see Dr. Congdon so that he can assure me that this is what is expected. I hate feeling so alone in this...having to make decisions, assuring Richard and the kids and his Mom......trying to appear strong and unphased by all the new symptoms....when actually my stomach is shaking and I feel almost sick. The doctor has told me that there is an increased risk for seizure. I've told the kids and his Mom and it's like we are all just sitting and waiting.

As Richard's partner I have to accept where he is at. I have to go to where he is instead of trying, desperately, to drag him up to where I am. I have to accept the changes in him and stop expecting him to help me make decisions, deal with household stuff, help me take care of my own illnesses. His ability to empathize with me is very limited and that scares me alot. He's been my partner in my own disease care. I'm on my own now and I really feel afraid sometimes. This is just the beginning....I have so much work to do in order to accept what is happening.

Blessed things continue to happen. Richard, Emily, Dana and I had about three hours alone last night where we just talked. It was a miracle what happened. So much love and respect were shared. Misunderstandings that are part of all families were cleaned up, all the questions that the kids had were answered and Richard talked about his death and his sadness to leave us but his belief and faith that the transition will be awesome and that he is not afraid. We cried, we laughed, we told stories, the children asked questions. It was an amazing time.

Today Dana said that last night almost felt unreal....maybe like we went to a very different place for a few hours and learned a tremendous amount. I asked Richard alot of questions during this talk...especially about things that I knew had been confusing for the children...regarding the divorce between he and their Mother, when he began dating me, what it was like for them to initially meet me, how they are feeling now about all of this. He found out how deeply his children love and respect him...what an awesome thing for a Father to hear. He found out that his children held no resentments regarding his decision to leave their Mother. He heard that over their adult lives both of them have thought about taking on the Estes name....prompted by no one....just realizing that they wanted both their parents represented. We talked about things that we all wanted to happen. Emily wants us all to sleep in the same bed. Richard talked about what he wanted before he died. I talked about my fear of doing life without him. It was a beautiful evening for us all.

I will post our Christmas pictures later. Right now I don't think I can look at them. We did have a joyous Christmas and we had lots of fun. It was perfect....absolutely perfect...accept that Alex and my Mom (who got a cold) weren't with us. But today even that seems unreal and hard to hang onto. I just need to sit where I am......and be by Richard. Right now that seems like the most important thing I can do.

We love you all. Please keep Richard in your prayers and thoughts.

Love Sherri