Tonight I woke up with a start at about 1:00. After laying there with my thoughts I decided to get up and read for a while. After an hour, I reminded myself that tomorrow is another HUGE day for us...and wandered back to our bedroom to try to find sleep once again. As I got back into bed I listened carefully for Richard's familiar breathing, which is so comforting to me. As I lay there...I couldn't hear it....and so turned on my side, toward him, and reached my hand out to gently rest it on his rib cage. Soon I felt the rise and fall of his breath...and then he did our silent signal that everything is OK...he took one very deep breath...before returning to his usual rhythmic rise and fall. Comfort and relief washed over me. I stayed there for a while.....feeling so connected, so in love, and so safe.
Earlier in the evening I was feeling so horrible. Selfishly, after a very long day, I started missing Richard's way of nurturing me through difficult parts of my own chronic illnesses. He has tried lately....but really lacks the strength and attention to stay with me when something comes up....like painful joints, nausea or high blood sugars. I found myself so weary of carrying that all by myself...and I let myself feel resentful and frustrated....I guess angry at this whole thing that is happening to us. Then....as I looked at my precious husband laying there so weak and so tired....the familiar, immense hit of guilt took over and I immediately was faced with the ugliness of my own selfishness. I was ashamed of where my thoughts had taken me and felt so badly. There was nothing I could do to relieve the heaviness and pain surrounding my shallowness. I just had to sit with these thoughts and try to soothe my weak spirit.
This, too, seems to be an all too familiar part of this walk with Cancer. I've learned about my own strength and also a lot about my ugly parts.
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6 comments:
you are a wonderful human being.... with faults, with fears, with wit, with wisdom and with incredible strength and courage....
if you did not have bouts of tremendous pain and loss and yes, even selfishness, you would not be the wonderful, honest and true human creature that you are....
your path right now is incredibly hard and challenging, you must continue to love and honor yourself.....
as the rest of us do......
How amazing you are and how loved you are. Tears came to my eyes when I read your entry - of how much love you and Richard share and how tender and precious that is - I love you both and pray for you both so much throughout each day - Through this journey you have both been so much in my heart evey day - Sher, you give the term "with grace" true meaning - I am here (maybe quietly) but I am here.
Remember my dear sweet friend I'm only a call away if ever you need vent. I'm here for you ANY time of day or night. Love to you both!
Joanne
Sometimes it sucks to realize that we are human. You have so much more love and strength than you give yourself credit for.And like Di said, "continue to love and honor yourself"
sending hugs-
Dear Sherri,
This time is awfully hard on you and on Richard. I lost my father to pancreatic cancer when he was 52 years old. This was about 19 years ago. The stages of grief for someone who is ill or dying include anger... This is an awful stage but it is our way of dealing with this event that has occurred to us. It is human and what is more it is unavoidable. Do not feel bad about it but look at it as a wave that you are riding on and it will take you to another wave that will be different and have yet another challenge. Remember that the anger is part of your healing process and part of the way you can cope. You are human with all our faults but from what I read... from your blog... you are blessed with someone who may not have the strength to show it right now but definately has the love that understands that... I wish you well and although I am a stranger.. I think of you two often and you have my good wishes and prayers. Rene
Oh Sherri, You are not alone in these feelings of selfishness. I have been there many times and will continue to go there. I do think it is part of the process. Traveling to and from Duke flying, wheelchairs, delays, weakness, fatigue, has made me go through these feelings to frequently.Everything is my job, making the plans ,loading luggage, rebooking delayed and cancelled flights. Where is my man? The guy who always took care of everything, thought ahead ,was able to plan, dropped me off and went to park. Pity party for me. I have been there and will probably go there again. It does not feel good. It is a weak, vulnerability that I have never felt, but I remind myself that I have been blessed with 29 yrs of this great man being there for me, taking complete care of ME, our children, and I cut myself some slack for feeling a selfishness/guilt for the situation that we are now facing.Take it easy on yourself, feel the pain so you can get through it, but remember together you two can do anything. Sending strength, positive thoughts and energy, keeping you both close in my heart, praying for peaceful days and nights. Sherri, remember sleep has to be had, one way or another. Emotionally it is so hard to deal with this journey without enough good sleep. Much love to you both. Strength and Courage my girl, STRENGTH AND COURAGE. Love, Peace and Hope, Michele
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