Of all things....I have a chest cold!!! I can't believe that something so normal like a cold has entered our house. In a huge way I am relieved....however....of course....I'm panicking about Richard getting it but we're being sosososo careful and today I'm feeling much better. Phew...could it go away without another catastrophe??????? I'm praying that it does.
I've been keeping some of the strangest sleeping hours....and so has Richard. For the first time in his life he is having difficulty sleeping!!!! He is so use to routine that nights of tossing and turning have really upset him. I'm sure that it's a combination of the medication he is on (steroids!!!) and everything he has been through. But....the darkness, the quiet, the space that night brings...it seems to give him room to think, to worry, to ponder...and I believe it's very frightening for him...like driving a stagecoach with a team of wild horses pulling it...wanting to take off and run forever..... When I get up with him, during these sleepless bouts, that is the feeling I get....he looks at me and I hear his mind saying, "Honey....do something.....I can't stop my runaway thoughts.....I'm scared....I don't know if I can hang on.....". All I can do is sit there and listen...and I'm listening hard, making mental notes of things he wants to happen in the future, assuring him when it's needed, opening my heart to his fears and his worries. As difficult as it is to sit there with him and not try to solve all his problems......As hard as it is to watch him mentally suffer.....I am aware that this is one of the gifts of being his partner through this journey. I am aware...that sharing these moments with him are truly priceless.
It is a fact now, however....I HATE BRAIN CANCER!!!!! Watching him deal with the chemo side affects, watching him face this abyss of deep thought, watching him change a little bit each day.....I HATE IT!!!! I realize that he is a very sick man. I know that now it is about making him as comfortable as possible and it's about surrounding him with love, compassion and tenderness. It's about giving him space when he needs it...and moving close when it is necessary. I'm on alert...but yet I'm learning to trust my inner spirit in terms of knowing exactly what to do and when.
We talked to the oncologist's nurse on Friday and she ordered some medication to help with sleeping, however, when we went to pick up the prescription...Walgreens had forgotten to ask how many pills they wanted in the script. By the time they noticed that....the doctor's office was closed for the weekend.....they called the emergency number....but no call back yet..... Another medical glich...that in the end doesn't give my husband any relief. I walked out of there totally disgusted............ Now I hate WALGREENS too.... It is time to change pharmacies. Well this paragraph wasn't very spiritual, was it????? Sorry!!!!
Well....I must get moving.....the day is beautiful, Richard seems steady right now....and I have to brush my teeth.....yes....self-care is important!!! I love you all....if you only knew how much. Thank you for your prayers and support. You give me so much energy and hope.
Love Sherri
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8 comments:
You are a beautiful, strong, loving Spirit. Brave, beyond measure. I love you. Deb
Hi Sherri,
No matter what pharmacy you go with they should provide you with a couple pills from your prescription to tide you over till they can fill it. It is just a pain but ask them for a few just till the script gets filled. See what they say. Actually, screw that... DEMAND that they do that! It is thier fault you dont have them so they can make small amends. I think of you often. Rene
you are both constants in my mind and heart....
i send you brave and loving thoughts....
i send you warm and soft thoughts....
i send you calm, peace and joyous thoughts....
and i think of you both with love and strength... every day.....
Thinking of you both. Praying for more restful, peaceful nights. I HATE BRAIN CANCER TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Peace and Hope, Michele
My darling friend,
Your frustration is most warranted! Spiritual or not your feelings are truthful...what is more spiritual than truth?
Our heartfelt thoughts are with you both to get the well needed sleep you need.
Loving healing light being sent your way!
love you both
Joanne
I hope by now that Richard is getting that much needed sleep--he needs to be able to "turn off" the thoughts that forever go through his mind and have a respite. I hope you too, Sherri, are getting the rest you need. I am very glad that you are voicing your true feelings about this awful, awful cancer. You need to vent and what better place than where your friends and loved ones can share their prayers, good thoughts and care with you. Brain cancer definately SUCKS BIG TIME!! You are both always in my thoughts and prayers and I'm sending buckets of love to you both.
Lisa A.
You are such an amazing person and walking through this difficult journey - you have touched so many peoples hearts with your courage, honesty and grace. You are so much in my heart.
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