Third Chemo Session!

Yesterday Richard had his chemo and he did great! We drove ourselves down and back and he did a great job. We brought some of our favorite CDs and were moved by the music and the views. We were reminded of the fact that we live in such a beautiful spot. During our drives back and forth I focus on that. It helps the time go by.

Dr. Congdon (no not condom....you silly) was so excited regarding how good Richard looked and by Richard's news that ALL his vision is back and perfect!!! That is our miracle right now....and hopefully a huge sign that that nasty tumor is shrinking, shrinking, shrinking!!!! The next MRI will be after Richard's next chemotherapy. Waiting for that is always a little nerve racking...but we believe that the tumor is loosing this battle....for sure!!!!!

Here is a picture of Richard during his chemotherapy. It's a huge place and very busy. We always sit by the window and get to watch a ball field down below and then also have a view of the Cascades. They do everything to make both of us very comfortable. We're getting amazingly good at the whole process. It takes about four hours total and we've learned what acitivities keep us busy....me....reading and crossword puzzles....Rick....reading and writing in his tumor timer.

Richard's tumor timer is a daytimer that his sister and I bought him during the first week of his diagnosis and it became known as his TUMOR TIMER. Since, at times, confusion is part of this whole journey....the tumor timer helps him keep EVERYTHING straight. He has worked for months to get it perfect....so that it covers all his needs (Phew!!!) He has incorporated a journal into it and writes often. I, mistakenly bought him a cool package of various sized sticky notes and the man is sososososo happy!!!! Those are meticuously glued into his timer. I find notes all over the house and special love notes in my own daytimer....but he is very busy making lists and more lists and more lists!!!! Grocery lists, to-do lists for me, for him, for us, project lists, etc....I never knew one person could have so many lists in his brain....and he doesn't even have a whole brain. It's just another example of Richard's giftedness!!!! I don't know what will happen if he ever looses the tumor timer. It will be a very sad day. I think some may say that he's a little obssessed with it...but I love it...and it really has helped both of us. Sometimes I have to giggle when I see both of our day timers laying side by side. They seem like very good friends.....maybe they're lovers....???? OK....now I've gone too far!!!!!

Yesterday we did find out that Richard's white blood cell count was low (a pretty common side effect of the chemo). It was so low that the doctor ordered an injection, to be given the day after chemo, that will spur the bone marrow to produce more white blood cells. OMG...we picked the medicine up today and we found out that it costs $3,900 an injection!!!!! Is that not absurd???? As we walked home from the store I really hung onto the package. I felt like I was carrying gold!!! He's already given himself the injection...now we wait for the side effects...... Apparently the marrow can grow at such a fast rate that his bones may ache pretty severly. YUK!!! My poor husband....what an amazing man.

After chemo we went to Pam and Scott's house for a delicious dinner. Pam is quite a cook. She always provides great meals and then a wonderful dessert!!!! We love our time with them. They have been so supportive. I feel very blessed to have them in my life. Richard truly loves his sister. It's awesome to watch and feel their closeness. I love it when we can all get together.

Im also including a picture of our new swing. Richard and I put the 1,000 pieces together this weekend and we had a blast. We are such a great team!!!! We actually had moments hooked together (maybe 15 or so) where we forgot about Richard being sick. It was amazing! I've teased him that maybe we should get a couple huge lego projects so that we could put them together to give our minds a rest!!!! Just kidding...TOTALLY kidding! Anyway...the swing looks great and I love just sitting in our yard swinging back and forth. It's so relaxing.

Well....I guess that's it!!! We're doing great! We walked 2 miles today, at a fairly peppy pace and Richard felt great! I'm so relieved that he is slowly feeling stronger. The doctor, yesterday, reminded Richard that healing is really hard work. For the first time he got no argument from Rick. We are focusing on our moments together......living life fully and with passion. Thank you EVERYONE for thinking about us.

We love you sosososo much!

Blessings,

Sherri

Hello to ALL our ANGELS!!!

Man....our days totally seem to fly by!!! I feel badly that I don't get to the blog more often but we seem so busy and by the end of the day when I have time....I'm often "spent" and drained. Such is life with a brain tumor (however we both feel like we are living with a much smaller brain tumor these days...ALLELUIA!!!! Our positive thinking has returned). Sometimes...well actually often....I feel like asking CANCER to move over just a little bit or at least squinch down to a more manageable size. Right now it feels like living with cancer is like living with the Good Year Blimp in your living room. It's just so huge...I sometimes wonder if there is room for Richard and I and it in our house. Cancer also seems to make clocks move faster. Our days are spent totally taking care of the details that cancer brings with it....and phew...it can be exhausting. But the good news....We ARE learning to LIVE with this horrible disease... slowly...one step at a time!

The big news this week is regarding our decision to apply for Social Security Disability. I've walked through this same walk with my own health issues (another "hit" that the Universe had been preparing me for this experience way long ago....hmmmmmm!!!) and I knew that it was a horrendous process. Our decision to apply came during the last three months of hospitals, doctors, bad news, Richard beginning a new chemotherapy regime and his worrying about returning to work and when. We decided that we needed to at least apply and give Richard some options. Applying for disability has felt like a part of the journey that we needed to responsibly do. Our goal remains to be that Richard will return to work as soon as the oncologist says that he can. Until then....He is practising patience and moving through the process (not an easy thing for this hard working man). The next MRI is scheduled to be in a few weeks. At that time, we will see how he is doing.

About two weeks after our interview we were notified by Social Security and told that Richard had been awarded full Social Security Disability. I guess brain tumors are an automatic for those folks (so is blindness......). It can't begin until five months after his last day of working.....so Richard has some time to think about what he is capable of doing. But NOW he has options and options feel good.

Even facing this decision regarding returning to work seems like such a possible loss for us. Richard absolutely loves his job and hopes that he will be able to return. We both love the people who work there and they've been Richard's support group for over 16 years. Initially he nursed nights and then currently he is working as the Medical Records Director. He finds all parts of his job fascinating and misses it horribly. I don't think he has even begun to figure out how to wrap his mind around the idea of not working. Thank God we have time on our side right now and no absolute decision needs to be made.

We were both very sad initially....but as the week has gone on we are trying to face this part of the journey without holding onto too much bitterness, anger and fear. That's the hardest part. Each new thing feels so horrifyingly strange. It feels like a huge gut wrenching shift in our reality and we become breathless and overwhelmed. But we are strong....and we are learning that grieving is O.K. and part of this whole thing. AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!

I wanted to share some family pics from last weekend...just to show you that everything isn't dark and serious around here ALL the time. Dana, Emily and Jason spent some wonderful time with us and we had a blast. Richard and I both love having our children near us. We miss Alex....he can't come off Orcas very often to see us......but he's always is with us in spirit. Friday evening we had a wonderful dinner and on Sunday we had our traditional peanut butter pancakes for breakfast. Sunday afternoon some of Dana's wonderful frends came to visit which was really great. Richard loves just hanging out!!!!

This other picture is of Richard and Alyn (a man who bought Richard's bike). Alyn's wife bought him the bike for his 60th birthday. We first met them a couple of weeks ago. When they first saw the bike they both got tears in their eyes. Richard truly loved that bike. He loved every trip he took on it....especially the ones with his Dad. His various rides were always special and gave him such enjoyment. Initially I was so sad about him selling this big toy....but he explained to me that it had very little to do with his brain tumor. He just felt like he was done with using it as much as he should. He wasn't nterested in doing anymore long trips....and so he felt it was time. After we met Alyn (a nurse) and his wife, Colleen....we just knew it was the right decision. It felt wonderful!!!!!

Well......that's it from our house. Thank you to everyone who has visited Richard and I this week. It means so much to us to have company....and it is so good for Richard to have people, physically, in his life. I'm darling and everything.....I can even be quite entertaining.....but he must get a little bored with just me all the time. We love company.....just call first to make sure that he's feeling O.K. We love you all.....all of you!!!!!! I feel your light shining all around us.

Until next time....blessings to you and yours!

Love Sherri

Nightly things.....

I remembered some things regarding my previous sermon that I had forgotten. I woke up remembering....don't you love that when your brain keeps working as you sleep...now that is a miracle!!!! I promise....this will be short(er)!!!!!

I don't think that we get the "why" this is happening thing until we have a true understanding or grasp of the huge picture. I suspect that that may occur after we have left this earthly place (gasp....breathless.....already feeling the huge loss). I think it takes the understanding of the beyond to even begin to see and truly understand why some of these horrible things happen to such wonderful people like Richard.

But we both can see how our entire lives....things have happened which have prepared us for this moment. There seems to have been a gentle hand guding us in so many ways toward this experience. I don't believe we chose this moment....NO WAY....but I do believe that in such an loving way....we've been acquiring the necessary tools to possibly get through the "how" of this part of the journey....(me being challenged by my own health issues my entire life has given me an unique understanding of the medical end of all of this ...hospitals, talking to doctors, understanding medications, procedures, caregiving..., meeting one another when we did and coming together with a strong yearning for a deep, meaningful relationship, having our wonderful time in our magic house on the hill...but being able to sell it when we did and finding our true wonderland here on East Maplewood, coming together and co-parenting with a strength and love that I believe has given all of our children a solidness...a strong core, our similar beliefs and spiritual foundations....arrived at in totally different ways....and mine is still developing...but our beliefs are strong.....etc.......). Richard told me once....that whether I understand it or not my entire life has prepared me for this moment. As Cancer unfolds in my life I'm beginning to see that I am prepared for what it brings. I may be kcking, screaming and crying all the way....but I am ready.

And lastly....the only way that I can believe any of this is because of trust and faith. I trust my spiritual being and my beliefs because I see them working throughout every moment of my day. It is only with trust that I can hold Emily in my arms as she cries with sadness about what is happening to our family that I can promise her that we will make it and that we will be OK (I'm still learning about the "how" we're going to make it....but I believe we will be OK). It's only through faith that I am able to hold my husband, feel the way our bodies fit together, feel his heart beat with mine, and believe that we will make it through this. It is only through trust that we have decided to face this horrible thing head on. Through trust and faith we have begun to, during our sane moments, that we have begun to let go of the "why" of all of this.

OK...ENOUGH.... Now maybe I can go crawl back into bed for a few more moments of sleep beside my beautiful husband. Thank you for hanging in there with me.

Things to be said.....

Tonight....like many times.....I was struck by this thought that totally rocked my world. "Richard!!!! Oh my gosh!!! You have cancer!!!!! Can you believe it?". He responded like he always does....."God.....I know!!! Isn't this a trip?".... This is followed by moments of silence where we just stare at one another.....sometimes reaching out for each other...most times just staring. This is still so hard to believe. Brain cancer has left us breathless...totally breathless. It is making us walk through experiences that we were not ready for. We have been given no specific training in our lives that has even begun to prepare us for how to do this; but we are being forced to march forward and "live". How overwhelming is that?

I've talked with so many of you about the "why" of this experience. Initially I was desperately trying to figure out why this would happen to us. Why were we hit with this? What did I do wrong to bring this upon us? Why is this happening when the two of us have finally found one another and when we have just begun to create our life together? Why is this happening when we have just begun to create a family for our children? Why? Why? WHY? Through talking, through listening to Richard, through talking some more, through thinking so much, so hard for so long.....I still don't know why......And what I've decided is that I probably never will!!! But what I've noticed is that the "why" seems so much more less important than it use to. It's amazing but the diagnosis hasn't changed our core beliefs or our spiritual essence. If anything....maybe we have both become even more sure of what we believe. What we struggle with now....is the "how"....and daily we are learning all too well about "how". The "how" , I believe, is inevitable.

What we've come to believe....what we together have figured out.....through our spiritual beliefs, past experiences and our "truth" is this...... Our vision of our world here, at this place, at this time, is very small. Our idea of the big picture is in reality teensy compared to all that encompasses what is The Universe. We here can't begin to understand the vastness and the scope of all that is. That is why in our experience here when bad things happen it is almost impossible to truly see the "why"..... We are unable to see the big picture as it truly is. We are unable to see all that we need to see to make any sense of some of the things that happen during this earthly experience.

What Richard and I believe, though, is that within this new reality that has been given to us...the challenge is really about the "how". The challenge becomes how to live within this set of circumstances that has been handed to us....and to create what life looks like as we are faced with Cancer.

We are not powerless. We feel powerful....because of many reasons...but mainly because we are choosing to live surrounded by peace, love, compassion and respect. We are loving each other, our children, our families, our friends with intense passion. We are paying attention to details and moments....and breathing deeply. We are continuing to make memories. We are continuing to count our blessings and constantly finding moments to celebrate and rejoice. We are living "full" and "huge" and for now that is our "how".

What I know...is that I love Richard so much. I am such a better person because I met him, fell in love with him, have learned so much from him, married him and continue to create such a beautiful life with him. He has been tender with me and has always expected only the best from me. He believes in me. He sees my goodness. And he has given me the gift of being able to begin to believe in myself and my own worth. He has truly loved me. And I have truly loved him.

We will continue doing this for as long as we can. I want years with this man.....YEARS. I will continue doing this "how" for as long as it takes....because I believe in "us" and I don't want to do this life any other way.

Thank you for being here, at night, in the dark with me. You'll really think I'm crazy....but it's at times like these that I feel such a connection with all of you. The quiet of night helps me see so much clearer. I know you are all walking with us. Thank you!

Blessings,

Sherri

Great Weekend!

As you might tell, mostly due to Sherri's wonderful focus on what brings me Joy, I have had an amazing weekend with all the comforts that I could dream of. Like She said, the extreme heaviness that I get from the chemo has come less often over the past 3 days and I spend some time each day feeling close to normal..!.. Tommorow morning, it's back dowm to Everett for my secong treatment of Avastin / CPT-11. (Article about it in the Bellingham Herald today) No web link, article on A8, "Costly Cancer Treatmant Raises Questions". I continue to believe that as Dr Foltz told us, he has seen Avastin make these brain Tumors "dissappear".

We are looking forward to a quiet Sunday today , maybe dinnner out, and have re-dedicated to walking outdoors everyday which seems to help the fatigue. .

Thank You everyone for being in out lies! Cheryl for the Chemo ride tommorow early to Everett, Mark, for the most delicous blueberry pie I have ever eaten, Richard, Jodi, Don and Barbara for the Lunch and help in the yard yesterday. Lee for your sharing of the Motorcycle trip, and everyone who wrote and called. You are alll making this Journey so much easier for us. We have Angels All Aroud US! YOU!

LOVE TO ALL

Richard

What Will Make Him Happy?

Richard and I have had a wonderful weekend. We've done very little actually...but every moment, even the bad ones, have seemed to be wrapped in gold. Friday I asked Richard what would make him happy....He sat for a moment and then gave me a verbal list. I was determined to make those few simples requests happen for him.....and it was fun watching his beautiful face smile with joy as each little "event" happened.

He wanted a cheese omelet and hashbrowns for one of our breakfasts. Yesterday my Mom joined us and we went out for a yummy meal! The hashbrowns were perfect and the omelet was stuffed with lots of cheese and mushrooms. To top it off the waitress suggested that we try their bisquits instead of toast. OMG!!!!! They were delicious!!!!! Richard almost squealed when she brought him marionberry jam.

He wanted, badly, to feel well enough so that he could ride his "big man" riding lawn mower and mow his own lawn. I was really nervous about this request. He has been so weak...I just really didn't think we were going to be able to pull this off. But I hand mowed all the tight spots and the front yard and Richard was able to mow the rest on his riding mower. Amazing!!!!! He was determined...so determined.....and he finished and did a great job. I was a wreck....but I worked in the garden beds and kept my eye on him. Mowing a yard seems like such a simple task....but for Richard, right now, it is huge!!!! Yipee!!!!!!

I think today was the finale to his wish list. My sister Barbara and her husband Don came up from Seattle and they took my Mom, Richard and I out to Hearthfire for lunch. Richard had been wanting fish-n-chips forever and today he had them....and he said they were absolutely delicious. We all shared strawberry shortcake for dessert. As I watched him carefully eat a piece of shortcake, with the perfect strawberry, topped with the rich, homemade whipped cream....well.....I think the look on his face looked like true bliss.....Oh...my man was so happy.

When we got home my other sister Jodee and her husband Richard were busy working in our yard...pulling our eternal pile of weeds. My Richard went and layed down and my Mom went home.....but the rest of us worked in our flower beds together. That was amazing!!!! Our yard looks so beautiful and we actually had a great time. My family has been so supportive through this journey. I am thankful for their love and compassion. They truly see what a special man Richard is......they want to help as much as they can and they've known exactly what to do. I love them so much.

Anyway....I think Richard has had his "happy list" met this weekend. His requests were simple....but he enjoyed every moment and I loved being with him.

As time away from his last chemo session gets longer he seems to feel better, stronger, less confused and rattled. This chemo and everything before the treatment seems to have left Richard with an extreme fatigue that is almost intolerable for him. He tries, desperately, to explain to me how he is feeling...."lead in my blood", "like I can't even lift my arm".... It must be horrible. I try to encourage him....and tell him that the chemo is doing exactly what it should be....it is taking all of his bodily energy and it is attacking the brain tumor with a vengence...his body is working so hard at the attacking that there just isn't anything left. His job is to listen to his body, imagine the attack and the hardest part....let go and let it happen. His patience is being tested. It is so hard for him because he is such a hard worker.....always busy....strong. To feel so badly at times is so difficult. I'm learning what being a warrior really means. RICHARD IS A WARRIOR!!!!

Late at night....when I can't sleep.....I think of all our friends, family and loved ones. I imagine each one of you as though you are little stars in my spirit...... I hold you all in my special thoughts and prayers.

Blessings,

Sherri