Things to be said.....

Tonight....like many times.....I was struck by this thought that totally rocked my world. "Richard!!!! Oh my gosh!!! You have cancer!!!!! Can you believe it?". He responded like he always does....."God.....I know!!! Isn't this a trip?".... This is followed by moments of silence where we just stare at one another.....sometimes reaching out for each other...most times just staring. This is still so hard to believe. Brain cancer has left us breathless...totally breathless. It is making us walk through experiences that we were not ready for. We have been given no specific training in our lives that has even begun to prepare us for how to do this; but we are being forced to march forward and "live". How overwhelming is that?

I've talked with so many of you about the "why" of this experience. Initially I was desperately trying to figure out why this would happen to us. Why were we hit with this? What did I do wrong to bring this upon us? Why is this happening when the two of us have finally found one another and when we have just begun to create our life together? Why is this happening when we have just begun to create a family for our children? Why? Why? WHY? Through talking, through listening to Richard, through talking some more, through thinking so much, so hard for so long.....I still don't know why......And what I've decided is that I probably never will!!! But what I've noticed is that the "why" seems so much more less important than it use to. It's amazing but the diagnosis hasn't changed our core beliefs or our spiritual essence. If anything....maybe we have both become even more sure of what we believe. What we struggle with now....is the "how"....and daily we are learning all too well about "how". The "how" , I believe, is inevitable.

What we've come to believe....what we together have figured out.....through our spiritual beliefs, past experiences and our "truth" is this...... Our vision of our world here, at this place, at this time, is very small. Our idea of the big picture is in reality teensy compared to all that encompasses what is The Universe. We here can't begin to understand the vastness and the scope of all that is. That is why in our experience here when bad things happen it is almost impossible to truly see the "why"..... We are unable to see the big picture as it truly is. We are unable to see all that we need to see to make any sense of some of the things that happen during this earthly experience.

What Richard and I believe, though, is that within this new reality that has been given to us...the challenge is really about the "how". The challenge becomes how to live within this set of circumstances that has been handed to us....and to create what life looks like as we are faced with Cancer.

We are not powerless. We feel powerful....because of many reasons...but mainly because we are choosing to live surrounded by peace, love, compassion and respect. We are loving each other, our children, our families, our friends with intense passion. We are paying attention to details and moments....and breathing deeply. We are continuing to make memories. We are continuing to count our blessings and constantly finding moments to celebrate and rejoice. We are living "full" and "huge" and for now that is our "how".

What I know...is that I love Richard so much. I am such a better person because I met him, fell in love with him, have learned so much from him, married him and continue to create such a beautiful life with him. He has been tender with me and has always expected only the best from me. He believes in me. He sees my goodness. And he has given me the gift of being able to begin to believe in myself and my own worth. He has truly loved me. And I have truly loved him.

We will continue doing this for as long as we can. I want years with this man.....YEARS. I will continue doing this "how" for as long as it takes....because I believe in "us" and I don't want to do this life any other way.

Thank you for being here, at night, in the dark with me. You'll really think I'm crazy....but it's at times like these that I feel such a connection with all of you. The quiet of night helps me see so much clearer. I know you are all walking with us. Thank you!

Blessings,

Sherri