Checking In

Hello my dear friends and family,

This past week and a half has been a total blur. Dana and I have decided that we have entered a "time warp".....a little microcosm of the real world. We have no sense of what day it is, what time it is or even of what normal is like anymore. But we are all moving forward in learning to care for a man who is at this stage of the brain cancer journey. I am so proud of Dana and Emily. They are amazing as they care for their Father. It is so touching to watch them interact with him.

Richard's decline over the past ten days has been absolutely stunning. I see him changing daily and feel him slipping away from me as time goes on. He is in bed most of the day. Now he can only transfer or walk with alot of assistance and even, at times, needs help changing position in bed. He is more confused and forgetful. Fortunately the cancer has prevented Richard from really understanding what is happening to him or to even be aware of the changes in his ability to do his daily living skills. I am so thankful for that.

Because of this....Richard is still talking about getting an MRI and possibly continuing chemotherapy. As he talks about the possibility of continuing treatment I believe our children are also needing to see and hear what is happening, medically, in their Father's brain. So I had pushed for an MRI. I've had to fight with the insurance company to get this to happen but we finally got it through and we're having the MRI tomorrow morning at 11:30. Our angel doctor will come to our home and tell us all the results and we will all make plans for what should happen next.

After being with Rick, pretty much non-stop for the last few days, I don't need a test to tell me that there have been huge changes. All of this tells me that something is drastically happening to my husband's beautiful brain. The pit in my stomach, the ache in my heart, the tears I have shed, the faces of our children.....all tell me that Richard is approaching a place of late stage cancer. I pray constantly that I am wrong and that this is just a little set back; however I must be realistic in order to truly be there for Richard and our family and friends.

We all are having the most difficult and important conversations of our lives right now. I have had to be brutally honest with Richard and with our children in regards to what I am seeing and what I believe is happening. I've had to stop and hold their hands and just be quiet; there's really nothing I can say to make this better. I know we all feel helpless.

The most important thing I want everyone to know is that Richard is experiencing minimal pain at this point. What he is feeling is either a headache (scary) or body aches from being in bed. He says that he is peaceful and assures us that he is not afraid. He is being a courageous man...even through this difficult time.

Caring for him is such a sweet honor. Each of us have our own strengths....but it all is so touching and loving. I love helping him, bathing him, feeding him, toileting him, etc. I know that this is a time where Richard is learning one of his most important lessons....how to be cared for instead of always being the one to take care of others. I thank him daily for letting us do this for him....

Betsy let me borrow the cutest little "day bed" that during the day we use as a couch, cuddle place and at night Jazzy and I sleep there. As I lay there I listen to the rhythm of Richard's breath and I watch him as he sleeps peacefully. The hospital bed has an air cover over it and when Richard moves the cover squeaks.....it always wakes me and I look over and see if he needs something or if he is just moving. There will be no more attempts at getting up by himself. I was always so fearful of the time when I would have to stop sleeping with him....but I am loving our little room and I am sosososo glad that he is more comfortable.

He continues to be precious. My love for him has grown even deeper....I like to think that it is growing deeper into my heart so that I will feel it there forever. He is my biggest blessing in so many ways.

The out pouring of help, prayers and love is immense. Thank you to all of you who have dropped off food. We are ALL enjoying it and it is so wonderful that none of us are having to cook. Thank you to the angel(s) who send periodic Trader Joe's gift cards. I'm not sure who you are but we are putting them to good use. Thank you to all the family who are supporting all of us daily. Thank you to all who are continuing to surround Richard and our family in light and who are praying for us. I feel your prayers and thoughts. That is often what is keeping us moving through this part of the journey with strength and compassion.

Love to you all!

Sherri