Too Many Thoughts!!!

It seems as though we are all always thinking.....not in a steady stream but all over the place...patches here and there...no conclusions, no solutions, only worry, fear and the unknown.

Sleep for me is very difficult. I just know there will be lots of time for sleep later. I feel, now, like every moment is precious. I sleep enough. Don't worry, I am remembering that I have to remain strong and well for Richard, our children, our families and friends. But I'm constantly thinking about the next thing, the list of to-dos, the memories that I am learning to hold dear. It's all O.K....necessary parts of this journey maybe....or possibly a distraction.

Tonight all the kids are gone, Richard is asleep and I find myself feeling empty and somewhat numb. But then I will remember...and my breath stops....allowing a wrenching pain to bubble up and cover me entirely. I am surprised there are tears left. I will often find myself just sitting beside him, quietly on his bed....tears flowing quietly down a now familiar path....watching him sleep.

I have allowed myself some moments (about all I can handle) to try and imagine what it will be like to live in this house without Richard. I am so afraid.... He is so much a part of our home. All his treasures surround me. His smell is in our closet. His shaver, with little pieces of his hair in it, is lying on our bathroom counter. His favorite soap is on his side of our shower. I know these things will be comforting to me...but also I think it will all make me sad, painfully sad.

Richard is slipping away more every day. I tried to talk to him about the beautiful things he has given me and of how thankful I am. He has believed in me, my strength and goodness. He has given me the confidence to love myself. What a beautiful gift. I talked....trying desperately to get him to understand. I also assured him that when he was gone I would continue to believe in my best self. I promised that I would continue my own spiritual study. I told him I would find a way to not always feel afraid. I have a need to share my walk of abundant appreciation and thankfulness. I can't risk him forgetting for a moment what he means to me.

As he grows weaker, there is a need for me to grow stronger. I am doing it....finding it almost easy and comforting. He is dependent on us now for almost everything. We are all stepping up and learning to work together intuitively....all for Richard, our hero. There is a rhythm here now.....a focus. I believe our movements are the same ones that have been taken by our ancestors for generations before us. Somehow, even though so much is frightening, it all seems familiar. I have experienced a "knowing".....and so have the others that are doing this with me.

I can feel you all thinking about us. I know there are prayers being said, candles being lit, loving thoughts surrounding us. I am so thankful for all of our family and friends. This is a huge group effort. Believe me your thoughts, remembrances, prayers are an integral part of this journey. I know that Richard feels all of you. I know it is part of his acceptance and peace. Thank you.

Blessings,

Sherri