He's SOSOSO cute!!!

Have I told you how darling my husband is with just a teeny weeny bit of hair? Oh my gosh! He is sososo handsome!!! Who would have thought? But I swear he should have been shaving his head a long time ago! And yes...this morning I rubbed his head and made a big wish!

He says his little noggin' is freezing! I think when he's at home he should wear a bandana or a soft, knit stocking cap...and when he goes outside he has always worn a hat!!! I hate him being cold. So I will be on the hunt for warm "inside" hats....(Oh boy!!! Something else to shop for!!!)

Anyway...I just had to tell you that I'm living with a very good looking man.... We are constantly discovering the "blessings" of this brain tumor experience!!!!

You are all in our hearts....as always!

Sher

New Doo

Decided that with the radiation making large bald spots, that I would just take it all off. I have a small beard trimmer that set on the shortest setting worked great. I would have used a blade, but worried about shaving off the lumpy incision line. Have to say that for a guy that was a real hippie in the 70's with hair down to the middle of my back, this is a real contrast! ;-) I kind of like it and I am getting lot's of compliments on it already.

This is Betsy, one of our dearest friends trimming the few spots that I missed after my audition. When you have a legally blind wife, it is good to have friends wit good vision! We had fun! Thank you Betsy!

I have only a few radiation treatments left with Dec 10th being the last. Should be a good cause for celebration! I am still working 4 - 6 hours, 5 days a week. Some fatigue, but generally the challanges there keep me moving and focused.

The Holidays!!!

Since Thanksgiving is over....I've found myself at a very puzzling place......... How do we do the Holiday Season with this brain cancer experience smack, dab in our lives? My feelings flucuate, dramatically, between thinking that all the hoopla is so trivial and stupid....to trying, desperately, to make this the most meaningful Christmas ever. Most of the time I just walk around in a total fog...looking at all the Christmas stuff in the stores, listening to the beautiful music, unpacking our favorite trimmings and feeling pretty numb and lost. I'm really trying...but I'm finding this all pretty difficult and I'm searching for a way to have it all make sense.

My usual pattern, when I am feeling confused, is to just move frantically....filling up every minute with activity, projects and plans. But brain cancer has been far too life altering for me to let myself get very far in my usual maladaptive solutions to "uncomfortableness". I tried today.....offering to work again, contemplating teaching a class, thinking I should join the "Y", getting many art projects lined up to begin.....but the minute I got home and got quiet I realized that "busy-ness" wasn't going to fix this situation at all.... That for once in my life, I could maybe run real fast....but I couldn't hide!!!! I'm very disappointed that the solution isn't that easy. Tears are very near tonight as I realize that this time I can't ignore what is happening in my life....and that nothing but "sitting with it" is going to fix it. DAMN!!!!!

The truth is....I'm really not doing very well here...and I'm worried that that seems selfish to all of you in comparison to the HORRIBLE things that Richard is going through. Please don't worry....I haven't forgotten, for one minute, the gravity of his situation and the tremendous courage he is showing. I know that he is awesome and amazing. But at this particular time I am finally feeling the subtle, damaging, difficult strain of this very emotional journey that we have been on. And though I look OK on the outside....I'm a trembling mess if you look really close. (Please don't look too close, however! I hate for my weaknesses to show!!!)

I don't really know what else to say about all this.....but it feels important to tell people what it is like. It's such a huge part of the experience.

In drastic contrast from the above.....We're doing Christmas, of course!!! We put up our village and our Christmas tree and it was so much fun. I kept telling Richard to stop and take in the "specialness" of our time together decorating. It was a perfect thing to do and we were both so happy. We were decorating for ourselves, for our children, for our family and for our friends.
And it looks so beautiful!!!! Richard was so happy while we were doing it and couldn't wait to show Emily. He was sosososo cute!!!!

This is a picture I've wanted to include of Richard's Dad, Leo and his Dad's wife Angie. I took it when they were visiting the week before Thanksgiving. Leo and Angie had just gotten done making some delicious peanut brittle (my very favorite thing)!!! I have the most wonderful in-laws.

Blessings to all of you! We love you!

Love Sher

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I've been trying to post all day.....but the preparations and fesitivities of the Holiday seemed to take precedent over everything else! Finally, Richard is snug in bed, sleeping away, and I have a free moment.

I've been thinking about the many angels in our lives. This experience has brought me so many awarenesses...the most significant has been the awareness that my life is richly abundant with beautiful, compassionate, giving people. I am so thankful for our family and friends. We have been touched, over and over, by the generosity and love that has been shown to us. Often, I have felt such "awe" by the grace of all of you. You have truly taught me so much that I will carry with me for years. Mainly...you have shown me how to care and love people at times when they are struggling. I will never forget this gentle lesson that you have demonstrated for me....and I promise....I will "Pass It On".

Of course....I am thankful for Richard's amazing strength...both physically and emotionally. Eventhough he has struggled with his treatments....I am very aware that he is doing remarkably well considering the acuteness of his illness. To say I am proud of my husband seems so silly.... He truly is the most amazing person I know. He has given me so much and I am blessed to be able to stand with him through this experience. He, too, is a gentle teacher....very kind and patient. What seems particularly special, is that he truly sees only the "good" in me....and makes that part of me only stronger.

We were surrounded today by our beautiful children and our Mothers. It was a perfect Thanksgiving!!! I hope that all of you experienced a wonderful and yummy day.

I love you, always!!!

Sherri

Hair Doo

The radiation treatments are starting to catch up with the hair follicles at the areas of entry. This photo shows some of the obvious spots. Good news is that I am over half way through the treatments now. An occasional mild headache and some tiredness from the internal brain swelling are the only real noticeable symptoms from the treatments. Everyone is being so supportive and encouraging. THANK YOU. Have a nice holiday everyone! I have lost an appetite for sweets related to the chemotherapy, but thank goodness I still am loving the salty, fatty foods!.. Bring on the Turkey and dressing!

Love to All!

Richard

Day 12

Today was day 12 of the 40 radiation / chemotherapy treatment schedule. Starting to feel it's effects a little with some headache related to the swelling caused by the radiation and tiredness which comes suddenly. Sherri has been so great encouraging me to slow down, take a nap, rest.. I really love her an am so lucky to have her in my life and here at my side.

I have been working for 3 - 5 hours a day for the past couple of weeks which has been great as I have had time ti pull things together there. I have been there so long and I honestly feel like so many of the staff are practically family!

A Wonderful Weekend!!!

We had a wonderful weekend!!!! On Friday it was Emily's 21st birthday. That is a huge birthday for our young folks and one she has been waiting for for a long time. We started the celebration at her favorite restaurant. There were nine of us in attendance. The food was yummy and it was really fun to watch our "little girl" order her first margarita (mango!)!!! After dinner we came home and had Richard's famous chocolate cheesecake and opened gifts. Then the young people left to take Emily to all the bars in town.

Dana came up for the birthday celebration. I think it is so sweet that Jason (Emily's boyfriend) and Dana accompanied all these giggly girls on their night on the town. I see them as the Protectors!!! Dana reported that Emily had a BLAST!!! Phew....I'm just glad that it is over. As a parent....I really worry about the drinking thing....but so far everyone is safe!!!

For me, the most wondrous part of the evening was eating Richard's yummy chocolate cheesecake. It was delicious.....the kids told Richard that they thought it was the best one ever. He was beaming. It felt significant because he still has the magic touch...and was "able" to make the cheesecake with perfection. I was worried that maybe the cheesecake making part of his brain had been removed in the surgery....but it is still all intact. The cake was awesome!!! He continues to amaze me.

The rest of the weekend was spent eating breakfast with my Mom, spending lots of time with Dana, shopping, seeing Dana's friend Chris, watching TV (a Netflix sit-com that we had rented), and hosting my monthly art group!!! In amongst all this Richard was able to rest and nap and rest some more (he is requiring more resting time). There was a lot of laughter and love surrounding us all weekend.

It means so much to Richard to have his children around him. I, too, enjoy their visits. I love watching their total adoration of their Father. Richard has done such a wonderful job raising his children...and continues to be such a great role model for all our kids (including Alex!!!!). He is an unassuming teacher....very patient, kind, compassionate...yet such a strong leader.

I hope you all have a joyful week. We are beginning ours with a wild wind storm. It's been fun to watch it from our warm little house.

Blessings to all of you,

Love Sherri

The Machine

I am feeling better this afternoon. I worked for 5 hours today which felt good, but a feeling of shakiness continued to follow me around for most of the day. Difficult to describe the feeling.. weak, tired, fuzzy... shaky. I went home at 1:30 and took a nap which helped a lot, then off to my daily encounter with The Machine. This is what I have come to call the radiation machine at the cancer center. It really is am amazing marvel of modern technology that is able to target a radiation beam of prescribed dose and density to an area within a millimeter to the inside of the body. I have also compared it to what it might be like to be captured by the BORG from the television program and movie, "Star Trek". I cannot see with the mask on, but can hear the Machine moving around my head with lots of buzzing, and whirring of micro motors, laser beams crossing my closed eyes, the smell of ionized air.. a very strange experience. I am thankful that the Machine is killing any residual cancer cells that may have been left behind in the area of inflammation around where the tumor was located. I was told though that the treatment would have cumulative side effects.. probably what I was feeling today.

Love to all!

Richard

I still can't believe that CANCER has become part of our world!!!

I am sitting here still in awe of this word Cancer and of how less than two months ago it was not a part of my personal experience whatsoever! How can that be? How can this be happening to such a blessed man? How can this be happening to all of us? We haven't been married long enough. We have not been able to co-parent our children for long enough. OH MY GOD!!! I still have such a hard time believing that this is really happening to us. Isn't that amazing? I'm still in total shock and denial regarding this whole, awful thing.

This journey is so hugely painful for everyone. Tonight, as the darkness settled around us, I could tell that Richard wasn't feeling well. I could see it. I could feel it. I could even smell it. Not that Richard smelled bad....but his "not right" smelled bad. His voice was different. He moved differently. I've learned to just wait....and watch.....and move slowly and quietly.... Sooner or later, as I watch him struggle physically, he always comes to me and lets me know what is happening. It seems like it takes him a while to figure it out and then to put it all into words that I can understand. I'm able to wait for this now. I'm able to respect "his time". It's much different than "my time"....but I can wait.

Tonight we were at Fred Meyer. I could see that he was really tired but he really wanted to go shopping for a few things that we needed. I thought we should go early so we could get home before dinner and then settle down for the evening. He agreed. We shopped. We held hands. But then I got him a cart to hang onto, thinking maybe that would be less tiring. I still was doing all of this in my head, trying to just let Richard be. (I find so much comfort in just being with him. That sounds wierd....but just regular things like shopping with him feels like such an honor. Doing some of our normal things has begun to feel HUGE!!!)

Finally, after a while, he told me he thought we better pick up something for dinner because he was feeling shaky. Then he apologized (he apologized!!!) and said he thought we should get through the check stand and go home because he was feeling shakier. Poor guy...I put my hand on his, as he pushed the cart. We methodically went through the paying ritual and then went home.

It was hard not to scream at all the people who were motoring around picking up things after work....moving quickly and with great determination. Couldn't they tell that my beautiful husband had brain cancer? Couldn't they see how tired he was and how hard he was working? Couldn't they see him struggling to just do something as simple as shopping? God....I just wanted to scream at all of them....like a crazy, raging, mad woman......but I didn't. I moved calmly and carefully....holding Richard's arm the whole time! AMAZING!!!

We finally got home and he ate a little dinner and then just sat in his chair...looking totally lost. I asked him to tell me about how he was feeling. He tried to explain.....shaky, cold to the bone, so tired, so not himself. I covered him up. I rubbed his little shaved head. I took his temperature. I held his beautiful hand. I sat beside him and read a magazine as he closed his eyes. I read my e-mail....checking on him periodically. I sat and read some more. Then at about 8:15 he asked me if I thought it would be OK for him to go to bed. Oh my gosh...my sweet husband...yes.....you can go to bed.......and I helped him take the heavy comforter off the bed and put on a lighter blanket.

I don't think I can ever allow this to become real. I think as long as I treat the cancer as an unwanted visitor I can than keep it from overtaking our lives and taking total control. Richard and I have had to redefine our normal....but redefine it our way....so that cancer doesn't control who we are or who we will become when all this is over with. I know we are both incredibly strong and I know we will get through this....but I'm still in awe that we are the central players in this story...that Richard is the main character and that I am supporting him...using a new language, new props, new backgrounds, new rules. I really can't believe it!!!!

I've rambled on enough for one night. I can hear my family saying that it's time to wrap this one up....but this THING is so powerful.....I just needed you to know. We are totally prepared by the medical folks for nights like these. Richard can't be taking the chemo and radiation without avoiding some horrible side affects. We are ready....it's just the awful part of the journey. No matter what...we continue to be thankful and strong....together.

We love you all!

Blessings,

Sherri

Sometimes it feels like our days get away from us....and by the time that I sit down to write in the blog I realize that I am all "thought" out and that I can't "think through" one more thing. The bottom line is that this chemo/radiation schedule that we are on seems to keep both of us busy and at least I am a little stressed and so writing often doesn't happen. I know there are many people who want to hear about how Richard is doing....I'll try to be more up-to-date with my blog entries. I promise.



It should be no surprise to any of you that Richard is doing fantastic on his chemotherapy and radiation regime. He is feeling great so far (since he started taking Zofran), still has his hair, so far doesn't have any burns or even red skin from the radiation and isn't struggling with fatigue or lethargy. He continues to be smiling, laughing and amazing everyone with his attitude and faith. He is back to work for at least four hours a day and seems to be flourishing with all those supportive, loving people surrounding him.


We both continue to feel blessed by the support of everyone. We have been moved to tears many times as people's kindness touches us. It's hard to believe, sometimes, that so many people care and and are so willing to help us in such beautiful ways. We know that the loving vibrations that continue to surround us will help Richard remain cancer free. We are so thankful for all of our angels.

Thank you Zofran!!!

What a difference a day can make.

Yesterday....poor Richard was sick again with his chemotherapy and was getting no relief from the compazine that had been prescribed for the nausea. We met with Dr. Thompson and he agreed with our research, stating that Zofran was a marvelous drug, but it was VERY expensive ($50 a pill!!!) and often wasn't covered by insurance. He told us that he would ask his nurse to call our insurance company and see if they would cover a month's worth of medication and that she would let us know. Later that afternoon I was able to walk up to Rite Aid and pick up a new script for one tiny Zofran tablet, every day, for a month. Alleluia!!!

Richard had already taken compazine for that day so we decided to begin the Zofran today. Last night was miserable for poor Richard. To put it bluntly....the only thing he ate all afternoon was an apple......and he preceded to throw up that one apple for about six hours. He was horribly sick and angry....and I was horribly aching for him...

But today.....was total heaven!!!! First, Richard returned to work finally after seven weeks. He was warmly welcomed by balloons, presents, his favorite chocolate chip cookies and lots of hugs and well wishes. When he got home he was all smiles...... So happy...... So relieved to be able to do something normal like working for a few hours..... And mostly sosososo touched by all the beautiful angels that he has worked with for many years. He was like a little boy who was sososo proud of a HUGE accomplishment.... And it was huge after everything he has been through. He was at work for just a few hours but it symbolized so much for him...and for me.... It was a step in his recovery and it was wonderful!!!

Soon after he got home we had to begin preparing for the schedule of our chemo/radiation regime.....and frankly.....even after just three days of it.....we were dreading it with very heavy hearts. But I told him, as he took the Zofran, that this was going to make everything totally different and that we had to expect that today was going to be a wonderful day....and guess what?????? It was!!!! He took his chemotherapy, we went to radiation and he did his treatment and he has felt marvelous throughout our entire afternoon and evening. We're both so excited....we just can't believe the difference. We are both doing the Zofran dance!!!! We LOVE this new medication!!!!!

We are feeling very happy tonight. We spent part of the evening with our daughter, beautiful Emily. Richard was so present with us, so tender and sweet. I was so thankful that he was feeling well enough to lead us in a beautiful conversation. The specifics of the conversation isn't important.....but what is awesome is the depth of feeling and love that was shared by the three of us. In the end....we stood together and just hugged for moments....way past normal...and it was a precious time for all of us. Another blessed moment...that maybe without cancer having happened to us...may have just been skimmed over.

Today my sister pointed out to me something very important....She told me that through this experience we all have to remember that it's imperative to make every moment count...... Thank you Jodee for reminding me of that. You were my Buddha....my teacher!!! I love you!!!!!

I love you all!!!!

Blessings,

Sherri