My usual pattern, when I am feeling confused, is to just move frantically....filling up every minute with activity, projects and plans. But brain cancer has been far too life altering for me to let myself get very far in my usual maladaptive solutions to "uncomfortableness". I tried today.....offering to work again, contemplating teaching a class, thinking I should join the "Y", getting many art projects lined up to begin.....but the minute I got home and got quiet I realized that "busy-ness" wasn't going to fix this situation at all.... That for once in my life, I could maybe run real fast....but I couldn't hide!!!! I'm very disappointed that the solution isn't that easy. Tears are very near tonight as I realize that this time I can't ignore what is happening in my life....and that nothing but "sitting with it" is going to fix it. DAMN!!!!!
The truth is....I'm really not doing very well here...and I'm worried that that seems selfish to all of you in comparison to the HORRIBLE things that Richard is going through. Please don't worry....I haven't forgotten, for one minute, the gravity of his situation and the tremendous courage he is showing. I know that he is awesome and amazing. But at this particular time I am finally feeling the subtle, damaging, difficult strain of this very emotional journey that we have been on. And though I look OK on the outside....I'm a trembling mess if you look really close. (Please don't look too close, however! I hate for my weaknesses to show!!!)
I don't really know what else to say about all this.....but it feels important to tell people what it is like. It's such a huge part of the experience.
In drastic contrast from the above.....We're doing Christmas, of course!!! We put up our village and our Christmas tree and it was so much fun. I kept telling Richard to stop and take in the "specialness" of our time together decorating. It was a perfect thing to do and we were both so happy. We were decorating for ourselves, for our children, for our family and for our friends.
And it looks so beautiful!!!! Richard was so happy while we were doing it and couldn't wait to show Emily. He was sosososo cute!!!!
This is a picture I've wanted to include of Richard's Dad, Leo and his Dad's wife Angie. I took it when they were visiting the week before Thanksgiving. Leo and Angie had just gotten done making some delicious peanut brittle (my very favorite thing)!!! I have the most wonderful in-laws.
Blessings to all of you! We love you!
Love Sher
5 comments:
Sherri: I always have a tough time remembering that there is always a middle ground...John Cougar Mellencamp said once that he knew there was a middleground he saw it
"everytime I swung by!".
I think ritual can be healing, and anything we do with awareness raises our knowledge in some way. It sounds to me that you are doing just that.
I am sure this is extra difficult because there is no road map or instructions and hard to know when your instinct is leading you, or your pain...I believe in you. and
though you might feel alone and lost on these days, I assure you-
you are not alone. Remember that connectness though at times it is not as tangible as you need it to be. Love from me, the goddesses, the fairy kingdom, the journal artists of the world, and every sound that walks the earth and feels... miss you, Karen
Thank You Sheri,
For the love we get to see you live !
Tracy
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Sherri, Keep your face to the sunshine and you can not see the shadows. -Helen Keller You are stronger than you thnk and in time you will come to realize this. Do not feel bad for recognizing your weaknesses right now. This is the hardest, hardest situation to come to terms with. It is so unbearable at times. I think the holidays bring about the vulnerabilities also. Johns tumor is progressing and of course his prognosis is questionable right now. Our daughter is in Flordia, graduates from college 12/15 so we are going down for that, now she is struggling with not coming home for Christmas this year because of course it could be Johns last. Our son Andrew and John go deer hunting every year same weekend same routine. Andrew is struggling because he has recognized that this may be the last year that John will be physically able to go, and John is also recognizing all of this. I feel like I am holding everybody together right now. Once again I have a strength I never knew was in me. You will find the strength and the power and the positivity that you need to carry you through. Feel the feelings Sherri. My focus is gone I cannot finish a simple task, no multitasking for me anymore. What an adjustment. Just do what you can do for the holidays and enjoy every moment. Thinking of you and praying for you both. Sending vibes of strength your way, catch them quick. Love, Peace and Hope, Michele w/o John 46 yr AAIII 3/04 Fighting hard to Stabilze this Beast...................
Sherri~
You are doing a wonderful job! Words can't express the gratitude and appreciation I feel to have you in my life, and I know my Dad feels the same....
Thank you for everything.
Love,
Dana
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