I am sitting here still in awe of this word Cancer and of how less than two months ago it was not a part of my personal experience whatsoever! How can that be? How can this be happening to such a blessed man? How can this be happening to all of us? We haven't been married long enough. We have not been able to co-parent our children for long enough. OH MY GOD!!! I still have such a hard time believing that this is really happening to us. Isn't that amazing? I'm still in total shock and denial regarding this whole, awful thing.
This journey is so hugely painful for everyone. Tonight, as the darkness settled around us, I could tell that Richard wasn't feeling well. I could see it. I could feel it. I could even smell it. Not that Richard smelled bad....but his "not right" smelled bad. His voice was different. He moved differently. I've learned to just wait....and watch.....and move slowly and quietly.... Sooner or later, as I watch him struggle physically, he always comes to me and lets me know what is happening. It seems like it takes him a while to figure it out and then to put it all into words that I can understand. I'm able to wait for this now. I'm able to respect "his time". It's much different than "my time"....but I can wait.
Tonight we were at Fred Meyer. I could see that he was really tired but he really wanted to go shopping for a few things that we needed. I thought we should go early so we could get home before dinner and then settle down for the evening. He agreed. We shopped. We held hands. But then I got him a cart to hang onto, thinking maybe that would be less tiring. I still was doing all of this in my head, trying to just let Richard be. (I find so much comfort in just being with him. That sounds wierd....but just regular things like shopping with him feels like such an honor. Doing some of our normal things has begun to feel HUGE!!!)
Finally, after a while, he told me he thought we better pick up something for dinner because he was feeling shaky. Then he apologized (he apologized!!!) and said he thought we should get through the check stand and go home because he was feeling shakier. Poor guy...I put my hand on his, as he pushed the cart. We methodically went through the paying ritual and then went home.
It was hard not to scream at all the people who were motoring around picking up things after work....moving quickly and with great determination. Couldn't they tell that my beautiful husband had brain cancer? Couldn't they see how tired he was and how hard he was working? Couldn't they see him struggling to just do something as simple as shopping? God....I just wanted to scream at all of them....like a crazy, raging, mad woman......but I didn't. I moved calmly and carefully....holding Richard's arm the whole time! AMAZING!!!
We finally got home and he ate a little dinner and then just sat in his chair...looking totally lost. I asked him to tell me about how he was feeling. He tried to explain.....shaky, cold to the bone, so tired, so not himself. I covered him up. I rubbed his little shaved head. I took his temperature. I held his beautiful hand. I sat beside him and read a magazine as he closed his eyes. I read my e-mail....checking on him periodically. I sat and read some more. Then at about 8:15 he asked me if I thought it would be OK for him to go to bed. Oh my gosh...my sweet husband...yes.....you can go to bed.......and I helped him take the heavy comforter off the bed and put on a lighter blanket.
I don't think I can ever allow this to become real. I think as long as I treat the cancer as an unwanted visitor I can than keep it from overtaking our lives and taking total control. Richard and I have had to redefine our normal....but redefine it our way....so that cancer doesn't control who we are or who we will become when all this is over with. I know we are both incredibly strong and I know we will get through this....but I'm still in awe that we are the central players in this story...that Richard is the main character and that I am supporting him...using a new language, new props, new backgrounds, new rules. I really can't believe it!!!!
I've rambled on enough for one night. I can hear my family saying that it's time to wrap this one up....but this THING is so powerful.....I just needed you to know. We are totally prepared by the medical folks for nights like these. Richard can't be taking the chemo and radiation without avoiding some horrible side affects. We are ready....it's just the awful part of the journey. No matter what...we continue to be thankful and strong....together.
We love you all!
Blessings,
Sherri
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2 comments:
I love you, Sher. I don't know what else to say. I just love you.
xo
Sherri, Everything you are feeling is so normal after a brain cancer diagnosis. I honor and respect your emotions and your brillant way of expressng them. All of your readers appreciate this about you. A "new normal" can be OK and in time it will be OK. This was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. I was in denial. Every morning I remember waking up and thinking to myself that John would be better today. We would be back to doing our life activities the way we used to.For us this did not happen and as soon as I came to terms with the new adjustments I found an inner peace that I had not had before.Good things have come from this new attitude. I am not as hurried and I am not as anal about the small happenings in my life. I can say now it has been a good thing. A less structured, no planning way of life but it is a more peaceful, more laid back way . I still struggle at times with this but I just remind myself to take each moment good or bad and cherish it to the max. I must say I appreciate the good days so much more than I used to. Keep writing it is a way of learning about LIFE for so many. You and Richard are in my daily prayers. You will find your way through this journey and you will come out of it stronger and more aware of lifes everchanging routine. Love,Peace and Hope, Michele w/o John 46 yrs AAIII 3/04 www.caringbridge.com/visit/johnwebb
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