An Early Morning!!!

Yes...it is 4:45 a.m. and I am up....I guess for the day??? I've been tossing and turning since 3:00 and decided that that was stupid and have gotten up and layed on the couch, listening to the weather outside.....rain, rain, rain....and the comfoting house noises that you can only hear deep into the night. Often. having trouble sleeping (it's a family issue...my Dad had difficulty sleeping and I have one sister who also struggles) I have learned to LOVE the little house noises that happen only during the darkness of night...it's almost like our little home sighs with ooohs and aaahs....finding joy in the simplicity of watching over it's family...keeping us safe and protected. Sometimes I know our house is truly alive....with such a strong purpose...to keep us warm and sheltered.

After a tough couple of days, with increased pain levels, I decided to resume my weekly injections for my rheumatoid arthritis. I got my injection earlier this evening. It was a difficult decision....there are some troublesome side effects...but when I "heard" myself complaining outloud about my aches and pains it became apparent that I needed the medicine. I'm disappointed that I had to do this...feeling the side effects may complicate things here a little...but I'll just have to see how things go. My own illnesses are very complicated....one tends to feed off the other...when one flares, everything seems to go crazy (increased pain levels.....then high blood sugars and all that goes with that). So back on the medication wagon again!!! A note here.....I know I have to keep healthy....in order to be strong during this somewhat critical time in Richard's treatment....also....I know that there has been a HUGE change here...life isn't just about me anymore (SLAP!!! Hello Sherri....welcome....finally....to how it should be). My own medical decisions that I am making are made with all of that in mind.

As I lay there tonight....I keep going to the radiology appointment that we will be having this morning. I am dreading it!!! I think it is another step in making this whole horrible experience more of a reality. The radiation part feels very unknown to me. It feels very scary for Richard. It feels HUGE. It feels potentially dangerous. It feels dark. And I picture myself watching my husband through a window, laying there helplessly as modern medicine "looms" over him, around him, through him. I am imagining that both of us are going to experience such a helplessness. I'm questioning whether I can bear it...but knowing deeply that the only place I want to be is right there, as close to him as I can be.

My poor husband!!! This is so awful. I watch him sleep (even that has changed....he sleeps deeper... It feels like he goes "far away" from here as he sleeps. Sometimes I just have to wrap my arms around him so that he doesn't disappear all together) and feel so sad that this is happening. The tears often come as I watch him sleep. He seems vunerable then...and I become the sentry on patrol. It can be bad...really bad!!! But in an odd way it can so perfectly intimate and beautiful. My purpose, at these moments, seems very clear.

I know....I probably shouldn't put this "icky" stuff here....Richard reads my entries...I don't want to make him feel bad...but we made a committment to one another that we needed to tell our WHOLE story. He wants that...in some ways more than I do...... This is my truth...I really don't know how to walk through this without sharing this part too!

I believe that all of this...ALL OF THIS...is leading us to that place of a long life together. I believe that we will achieve that. I see us watching our children mature, dancing at their weddings, tending to our Grandchildren, traveling to our dream locations, creating a beautiful yard together, eating really good food, being with our families, continuing our spiritual walk together, laughing with one another, making photo albums and more photo albums of all of our wonderful experiences together....I know it will happen....I believe to my core that it will happen. And I know that what we are doing now, all the things, are leading us there.

But part of what we are doing to get there is having to walk through these terrifying moments of discomfort. It's part of it...DAMN!!! Tonight what keeps going through my mind are the words, "I am strong and capable" and "What would love do?" These mantras seem to be my best tools right now.

I honor my angels out there. I feel your light. I know you are struggling with me and sharing my pain. I couldn't continue this journey without your support. I know, way down deep, that this is hard, unbelievable, for all of us....ALL of us. I'm just so sorry that this has to be part of our experience together.

OK...it's 5:30...one more hour until Mali and Jazzy wake up Richard and we get started on our day. I can't wait to give him a big, old bear hug and tell him how happy I am to have him in my life.....I am sosososo blessed.

Love, love, love Sherri