Thoughts at the end of my day!

The days are moving so quickly....life seems to be somewhat of a blur. Richard is recovering at a miraculous rate. He's making healing from major brain surgery look incredibly easy. I'm constantly amazed as I watch him doing some difficult task.....fixing our computers, paying bills, listing items on e-bay, making decisions regarding what to do next, driving our car without any problem (yes....the doctor said it would be fine as long as he was seizure free!!!!) and walking over a mile. There are moments of struggle and change, which we have both noticed, but given that it has only been a week since his surgery he is doing great.

Sometimes I like to pretend that this all is a horrible dream....I can do that for maybe 30 seconds....but then reality lurks near....as I feel the catch in my throat, the tears behind my eyes, the awareness that I seem unable to breathe deeply and I have to move forward in my thoughts of what do I do now to support my husband, our children, our family, our friends through this horrid diagnosis of brain cancer?

Because Richard promotes such a strong message of the power of positive thought, I usually feel strong and sure about our future. I know the level of determination that this man has. I know how smart he is. I know how loving and caring he is. Through his example I have begun to see the power that we all hold. I only need to remind myself of the many miracles that have already occurred in both our lives that bring us to this place, to know that everything will be OK. I'm so willing to do whatever needs to be done to create one more miracle.

However, it is not my tendency to be ALWAYS positive and sure about the outcomes in my life. My beliefs are quite new in comparison to the years of practice and study that Richard possesses. I am still having to constantly remind myself of who I really am. I am always working on staying in the moment and moving toward light and sureness. It isn't easy. I struggle and I'm determined to be real here and everywhere throughout my life. I believe I owe that to this process. It is my way of honoring what is happening here to all of us.

I guess for tonight this is all. I'm very tired. Last night I slept on the couch. I couldn't sleep and I was very antsy. I didn't want to bother Richard with my thrashing and decided that the couch was the perfect spot to rest and yet be near to him. Tonight will be better. Thank you to Catherine (Richard's boss) for visiting us today. We were both touched by your warmth and compassion. And also thank you to Joe and Karen. They brought Stanello's pizza for dinner. Richard has been craving it and enjoyed every mouth full. We love you both very much. We are continuing to count our many blessings.

P.S. The nice thing about being told such a HUGE piece of information that seems so horribly devastating is that it is pretty mind blowing. You catch yourself doing the oddest things. And....if you have a "different" sense of humor like I do.....it all can be pretty darn hilarious in a pretty odd way. Thank God, as I get older, I have begun to accept the fact that I see the world through a very different screen and I have learned to sort of enjoy the quirks in my own reality.

Here is one hilarious thing that has happened so far.......I'm afraid that if I don't write it down I will forget it....and that would be awful to forget something so funny!!!

I call this incident the "Always check your jeans carefully before you put them on in the morning" caper. One morning, right after the diagnosis, Dana (my step-son) and I ran to the doctor's office to pick up some medication for Richard. In my haste to get the medicine that Richard needed as quickly as possible, I ran in our closet and slipped into the pair of jeans I had worn the day before. As we left the doctor's office with our medicine in tow, a woman passed Dana and I and she said, without making any eye contact, "I believe that you may of dropped something." There, laying on the floor in a little heap was a pair of my dirty underwear!!!! Right in front of my beautiful step-son lay my own "old lady" pair of dirty underwear that must have been stuck in the leg of my jeans!!!! What a moment....for sure!!!