The morning after!

We've just had our morning cup of coffee and spent some lovely time talking. It was a rough weekend for me...full of "everything". That sounds dramatic (which some of you would expect no less from me) but by "everything" I mean that this is really such an emotional rollercoaster....I seem to be hanging on with all my might....as my thoughts move up, down, around sharp corners, over huge hills, dipping deep into valleys. I've cried, I've laughed, I've sat numbly, I've hugged fiecrcely, I've watched like a hawk, I've protected with awareness and I've loved like I never have loved before.

Richard and I just had a discussion about what to do next??!!! It's such a huge question...but it seems like there are daily decisions that we should be making...but that neither of us feel quite ready to even approach. What is so apparent for me is that this event has changed us forever, and that what once seemed like "givens"....working, teaching, friendships, family...all of a sudden have new significance and meaning.

For many of the decisions...When should Richard go back to work? What should that look like? When should I start teaching again?...it has been difficult to even look at them. We are so anxious about the answers...but we really don't have all the information needed to make good decisions at this point...and finally decided that we were being premature in even attempting to begin designing what any of that should look like. We need to meet with the radiologist and the oncologist before any future planning occurs. For us, that is hard. We are two very capable people...waiting is such an effort because we are so responsible and ready to get back to normal.

But I realize that "normal" for us does not exist anymore and that even with all the horror of the past weeks....there have been so many wonderful lessons and blessings that have led to changing our "normal" forever. I have a new "love" for my husband and for our relationship. In a short time...it has become so strong and deep. I am filled with passion for this man. I have learned more about his spiritual depth and his goodness. I cherish him and I cherish the magic that is our relationship. We have something very special here. My new awareness only makes me want to treasure our moments together even more.

My priorities have changed. What I deemed as important just a few weeks ago has shifted...not dramatically...but enough so that, at times, I feel as though I have lost my footing. Or maybe it's just that I have come to appreciate the meaning of each single foot step. I want to notice each moment wth a new clarity. I have, for so long, known that I was missing the details in my life...but I didn't know how to approach the change that was needed to bring them into focus. Now the change has occurred and I am thriving on the quiet, the being, the tiny fragments that lead us to our "whole".

And...today I am aware of a new "opening" to the other people in my life. Through the many blessings of our family and friends I have learned that being vunerable and loving isn't scary; but seems to be a necessary part of my breath. Service to others, putting to rest the differences, letting go of the turmoil seems like the pulse of where I am now. That makes everything look very different.

Our life is so strong this morning. The thread that weaves between us and reaches out to all of our loved ones is so golden and sparkly. It is with a new found amazement that I am finally seeing the importance of the "now" and the need to live it fully. We are so "living" with this new challenge....it truly is all a miracle.