On the road again!!!

This morning we are getting ready to go to Seattle for an appointment with Dr. Mayberg. The plan is to have him look at Richard's surgery site and also to have him go over the pathology report in detail with us. We are hoping that we walk away with a plan for radiation and chemotherapy. I'm feeling anxious about getting started with this next step as soon as possible. It feels like it is "looming" out there....again....another unknown.

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. Being in the "caretaker" role (which I feel honored to be caretaking my wonderful husband) I am struggling with how to also take care of my own chronic illnesses (Type 1 diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis). At this point, my illnesses seem rather insignificant; however I know how imperative it is to stay strong and healthy myself in order to keep things going smoothly.

Tuesday was my monthly chemotherapy infusion for my arthritis and it is not unusual for this medication to make me feel very tired, a little nauseated and probably (honestly) a little grumpy. Richard woke up yesterday morning feeling wonderful and he began making his "to-do" list that included errands and many little chores around the house. I took a deep breath and began the errand running with him, trying to hang in there and be a "trooper". It seemed like the better he felt.....the more tired I felt....until finally I had to tell him what was going on with me and I had to lay down to nap and rest for a couple of hours. I felt so bad!!! This time is about Richard.....and what is going on with him; however my body was not going to cooperate.

The good news is that after my rest I was able to get up and be fully ready for action; but I did have to marvel at the change in our relationship since Cancer has become part of our lives. Richard has always taken care of me.... I am the one that was suppose to have the critical health occurence in our lives. It seems like every plan, every decision, every step we have taken in our marriage so far has been made with the possible consequences of my illnesses in mind. The tables have sure turned and I know that this change has added to the stress of this situation. And frankly and humbly....it has slapped me around a little in terms of realizing that this is NOT all about me.....but that it is about Richard.....it is about us, our family, our friends. This has been one of the biggest lessons of these past three weeks.

Last night as we said our "Good Nights" and as he reached for me....moving us into our favorite "spooning" position....I felt that now familiar lump in my throat and tightness in my stomach. These first few moments of "bedtime" always seem to take my breath away. This is probably the time when I get the most frightened about our future. Often, as I feel him sleeping, I get so overwhelmed that I have to get out of bed and find a way to get away from the darkness. I cherish sleeping beside him....and am always anxious to return...but until I can calm down my mind....there is no way I can contain my feelings. It is getting better.....I am quickly learning ways to cope.

I am learning, in depth, the art of living in gratitude. When I get afraid I move to a place of thankfulness and my agitation shifts to a feeling of wholeness and peace. I continue to marvel at my many blessings. I have love, faith, warmth, and truth in abundance. This journey is full of moments of awe.

Love and light to all of you!

Sherri